


And All The Children

by somanyfeels



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brainwashing, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes-centric, Cesarean Section, Child Abuse, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Tony, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, Kid Tony, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Pre-Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Premature Birth, Protective Bucky Barnes, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2018-04-27 15:09:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 63
Words: 116,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5053543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Soldier's mission was to deliver Howard and Maria Stark's child to his handlers.  He did not know what they wanted with the small baby, or what complications he would encounter on the way, but he was going to complete his mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Still working on my other fics but I have no self control so here's another one that no one asked for. Whoops

 

The woman was not a necessity, his handlers did not make her a requirement to complete his mission.  Maria Stark was of no value.  The child that she carried inside of her was the reason The Soldier was here, it was important, it was the objective.  It was what was demanded of him, bring them the child.  The woman, who cradled her swollen belly gently as she threw him a hesitant, terrified look, did not seem to be aware of how little she mattered.

“If you let me go, my husband will reward you.”  She said, one of the few statements that she repeated over and over.  The Soldier gave no response.  “He could… find you a job.  A better one.  He knows a lot of powerful people.”

It was the same, every time the woman opened her mouth.  Bargaining, people were all so similar when faced with danger.  They thought they could beg and bribe their way out of it.  The Soldier didn’t listen to her, neither did the other men sent with him on his mission.  His escorts.  They continued to carry the limp bodies of the woman’s bodyguards further into the forest. 

The woman’s hands were shaking as they reached down to wipe at the blood on her dress, it did nothing but smear further into the ruined fabric.  Her hands were stained a deep red as they returned to her stomach. 

“My husband.  He is a powerful man.”  She said, her voice soft as she spoke.  “If you just let me go, he’ll make it worth your while.  All the money you could ever dream of.”

The Soldier did not answer her, he did not move from his post by her side.  If she ran, he would catch her.  If she tried to attack, he would restrain her.  Those were his orders at the moment, keep her calm and placid until they were able to deliver her to his handlers.  Once they had the child, she would become irrelevant.

There was silence when the other men climbed into the van and closed The Soldier and the woman in the back.  He could feel the engine start and the bumpiness of the road as they drove from the scene.  It would be a long journey, The Soldier had already calculated the distance and how long it would take them to arrive.  A few days at their current speed, it would take far longer to get from one end of the country to another if he had to walk.

“You’re not going to let me go.”  The woman said, her voice shook.  Her hands were steady.  “Are you going to kill me?”

The Soldier didn’t answer her.  He wasn’t permitted to know what would happen to her once they had what they needed.  He kept his eyes on his hands, the metal fingers of his left curling slowly.  His right hand stayed on his gun.  The Soldier glanced up quickly, the woman had pressed herself into the corner of the van.  If not for the steady rise and fall of her chest and the hands tenderly stroking her stomach, The Soldier would have thought she was dead by how still she was.  Her eyes were closed, her lips moving as she muttered silent words.

The other men were talking in the front seats of the van, laughing at a joke The Soldier didn’t quite understand.  The van rocked as they went from gravel road to concrete, it would be a steady journey from now on.  It was still light outside, hardly even past noon, they would know she was gone by nightfall.  They had to be long gone by then.

“Hey, Maria!”  One of the men said.  “What did you do to get a husband like Howard?  Must be pretty talented, perhaps you could demonstrate your skills.”

They laughed again, another joke he didn’t understand as they muttered to each other and hollered.  Whatever meaning behind their words was causing the woman’s head to fall, her chin tucked up against her chest and her shoulders rising protectively.  She didn’t answer them.  Instead, she turned her attention back to him.  He expected her to start begging again, offering him things that were of no use to him.  The mission was all that mattered.

Maria Stark was an attractive woman, the kind of person with the right looks to be useful in manipulating others.  The Soldier had met several female operatives, some he had commanded and most who commanded him.  His eyes lingered on the dark curls of her hair, the bright blue of her eyes, and the delicateness of her facial features.  If she were a spy, no one would think of it.  They would be too distracted.

They crossed the county lines, only a few more hours until they leave the state.  Once the mission was complete and the package was safely delivered, they would decommission him until he was needed again.  A rest, hopefully a long one.  The safety of that cold box they would shove him in was always an odd comfort, there was no blood in there, no electricity, no pain, no orders.  The sooner the woman was handed over the better.

“Do I know you?”  The woman said, her voice steady and almost void of all fear.  A near perfect sounding calm in her tone, forced and almost nearly hiding the nervousness.  She was still curled into the corner, her body language protective and cautious, but she no longer sounded as frightened.  “I swear, I’ve seen you before.”

The man in the passenger seat turned around and took them in, his eyes studying Maria before glancing over to take in The Soldier.  He was being watched, his response would be important.  He had not been trained for this line of questioning, when they briefed him on the mission they had not told him that communication was vital.  If he answered wrong, there would be punishment, if he said nothing then the woman would inquire further.

“There are never witnesses.”  He settles on.  The man in front seemed satisfied and turned away to face forward and pass jokes with the other man.

The woman hummed.  “Are you going to kill me?”  She was looking away when she asked.  “I don’t think so.  Not yet at least.  But Stark Industries, and by extension the Stark Family, doesn’t pay ransoms.  I’m of no value politically.  The people who would come looking for me are dangerous, so whatever it is you want has to be worth the risk.”

He heard the shift in her voice, from a forced calm to a low and horrified devastation.  Her hands cupped her swollen belly, moving in small circles as she closed her eyes.  The woman must have realized what they wanted her child.  She pressed herself further into the corner and began whispering to herself.

They were out of the state within a few hours.  No one came for the woman, they were clear.  The woman seemed to be aware of this as well, she gradually stopped the begging.  The Soldier wasn’t bothered, the targets always begged until they realized there was no point.  He couldn’t clearly remember what any of them had said, what they had offered or were willing to sacrifice in exchange for their lives, but it was probably the same as what the woman had to offer.  Her whispers was more distracting that the begging, The Solder couldn’t stop staring at her.  The woman’s body language had changed as well, her back turned towards him as she curled around herself in the corner of the van separate him from her stomach.

The whispering was soft, not quiet enough to go unnoticed to him but enough so that the men in the front did not turn to look at her.  She was talking to the child, muttering reassurances to it.

“Safe.”  Her words no more than a breath.  “I promise Anthony, daddy is sending people to come get us.  You’ll be alright.  I won’t let them hurt you.”

False words of comfort.  The Soldier had killed children before, some in front of their parents, some after they had witnessed the death of their families.  It was nothing new.  Mother’s always promised protection they couldn’t offer.  He wondered if the woman would be put at ease if she knew that they wanted the child alive.  It didn’t matter, it wasn’t his place to tell her.

The van pulled over to the side of the road.  The sun was setting now, half a day of traveling had put enough distance between them and where they had grabbed the woman that it was unlikely for them to catch up and find them anytime soon.  It was the perfect time, strategically acceptable, to rest and take stock of the situation.  They had to evaluate the woman, The Soldier needed to report in on his status.

They separated, one of his escorts taking him off to the side of the road, the other man sitting beside the woman in the van and speaking in hushed, harsh tones.  Threatening her, most likely.

“Who are you?”  The man in front of him asked, monotone and bored.

“The Asset.”  The Soldier said, the information burned into his brain, one of the few truths he constantly knew.

“What are you?”

“A weapon.”  His answered satisfied the man.

The man nodded and stretched, pulling his arms above his head as he eased his muscles.  “Health Status?”

“Perfect condition.  No injuries sustained while apprehending the package.”  The Soldiers voice was cool as he spoke, calm and uninterested.  The mission was complete, they just had to get the woman back to his handlers.  “The woman’s guards were of little threat, disposal of them was quick.”

The man hummed in approval.  No punishment was necessary, no further reports.  He was directed back towards the van, told to sit in the grass on the side of the empty street.  The road they had taken was not often travelled, few if any people were to come across them.

The woman wasn’t speaking, the other man kept speaking angrily, but she refused to answer.  He had questions, she did not speak back to him, and that would constitute a punishment.  The Soldier waited, either to be directed to punish her or to stop them from hurting the child inside her.  Maria Stark was not a necessity, they did not require her to be unharmed.  The child was different.

The man reached out to her, curled into her hair and ready to tug it.  Punishment it was, as long as no harm came to the child then it was no business of his. Except, the woman’s head snapped forward, faster and harsher than the tug on her hair, and her head crashed against the man’s nose, blood gushing out as she reached for the gun on his hip.

The Soldier was on his feet, ready for orders or to preserve the mission.  The woman was fast, quicker than he had expected, and her hand swung up to put a bullet in the man at the Soldier’s side.  He closed the distance, wrapped a hand around the woman’s wrist, and squeezed until he felt the bones crack.  As a reaction, the woman shouted and pulled the trigger of the gun, a bullet embedding itself into The Soldier’s shoulder.  He let go, the woman dropped the gun, and started to run, sprinting off towards the forest on the roadside.  She wouldn’t get far, there was nowhere for her to go.  It was just a desperate attempt to escape, the last struggle to survive in a doomed creature.

The man, the one with a broken nose who was currently not bleeding out on the ground, growled angrily.  He pulled the gun off of the body and swung it up, the shot sounding out before The Soldier could stop it.  The woman fell to the ground, The Soldier dug his knife into the shooter's chest.  He was a danger to the mission, emotional and compromised.  The Soldier now had two dead escorts and the package was wounded.

He ran up to her, watching her curl in on herself as she wept on the ground.  Her arms were folded over her stomach, blood pooled around her from the wound in her chest.

“Anthony.”  She whispered.  Her eyes caught The Soldier’s.  “Please.  Not my baby.  Don’t take him.  Don’t let them hurt him.  Anthony.  Tony, darling.”

She was delirious, hysterical.  Maria Stark wasn’t important, he reminded himself as he knelt down into the dirt next to her.  She wasn’t a requirement.  She took several more shaky breaths before going completely still.  He reached for his knife and roller her over onto her back.

It was messy.  The Soldier had little experience cutting a child out of its mother’s womb, but it was a priority.  The child had to survive for a successful mission.  He did not know how deep to cut, but he was careful.  It was covered in slick and blood when he pulled it out, wiggling in his large hands and not uttering a sound.  It was small, too underdeveloped to be so harshly pulled into the world.  It wasn’t crying.

Perhaps its lungs were not functional just yet, if the infant couldn’t cry then it couldn’t breathe.  He carried it to the van, grabbed a water bottle, and rinsed off the child.  Wisps of dark hair appeared from under the grime, bright blue eyes opened and closed.  It was too small, it would not survive.  A failed mission would be punishable.  Two dead escorts, a dead woman, and an undelivered package.

The Soldier’s steady hands did not shake at the idea of the chair, of whatever his actions would bring about.  Instead he held the fatty parts of the infants arm and squeezed, pinching softly.  He was about to give up, just leave them all and return to base and report his failure when it opened its mouth and let out a shrill shout.  It was breathing, which was satisfactory.

He still had to deliver it to his handlers.  The base was on the other side of the country, the mission was supposed to be short, no need for a more permanent camp to be set up near the city where the woman had lived, two escorts were deemed suitable.  That had been a mistake.  There was blood on the outside of the van now, and no place to safely put the infant. He would have to walk to the nearest town, steal a vehicle.  The Soldier tucked the crying child close to him, offering it his body heat to preserve its health, and began walking.


	2. Chapter 2

The child cried.  It didn’t stop for some time, the shrill sound of its voice drowning out most other noise.  If they were about to be ambushed, The Soldier would not hear it until it was too late.  The child, as noisy as it was, had to make it to his handlers.  That was the mission and The Soldier would complete his mission.  A failure would bring about punishment, likely the chair, the fuzzy feeling it left in his head, and what they would make him do before they locked him away in the safety of a frozen sleep.  Eventually, the rocking of his body as he walked down the street and entered the nearest town had soothed it.  The silence was preferred.

There was blood covering The Soldier’s uniform and the infant, enough to ensure that they had to remain hidden.  They would have to be cleaned if they were going to fit into civilian crowds.  Blending in would ensure safe passage across the county to where his handlers were expecting him.  It would be less alarming for when the infant’s loud screams brought attention to them that they weren’t covered in blood.

The large store he broke into had minimal security, the cameras and alarms were easily disabled.  It was late, no one was around to witness him.  The lights stayed off, his vision adjusted accordingly. 

Cleaning and changing was the priority, gathering supplies would come next.  The bathroom room light was harsh, florescent bulbs blaring down on them as the child squeezed its eyes closed and screamed.  Briefly, The Soldier considered leaving it in the bathroom and abandoning it.  The staff would be by at dawn to collect it.

He dampened a paper towel with warm water and began to properly clean it off.  Pink skin became visible under the sticky coating of dried blood and other substances.  It had been bleeding.  A cut on the side of its neck, easily hidden under the dried blood and bodily fluids of its mother, had scabbed over.  It was no longer a threat to cause massive blood loss, the main concern being the slight heat to indicate an early infection.  He did not know if antibiotics would be well received.  He did not even know if they made antibiotics appropriate for someone so young.

Once clean, they went back out into the main part of the store.  Signs hung every few yards, indicating which aisle held which products.  Food was on one side of the store, material goods on the other, a pharmacy in the back, everything else was unimportant.  He placed the infant in a shopping basket near the registers, it fit perfectly inside and the loss of contact between the two of them had caused its screams to return in full force.  Having both of his arms back was a relief, full range of movement was preferable to only having use of one arm with the other holding the mission close to his chest. 

The screams echoed off the walls of the store, The Soldier would be satisfied in knowing that the child was alive as he walked away.  He changed his clothes first, his uniform and protective gear peeled off of him and put aside to be carefully discarded.  Civilian clothes felt strange on his skin, an odd sense of unfamiliarity and relief in wearing them.  The tension in his limbs melted away as he shoved his uniform into a bag to be disposed of as soon as possible. 

He grabbed another backpack and walked towards the brightly colored section labeled as ‘Babies & Newborns’.  If it didn’t eat, it would not survive long enough to be delivered to his handlers.  If The Soldier didn’t feed it correctly, it would not survive.  If he failed to fulfill its basic needs, it would not survive.  A successful mission depended on the survival of the infant.  It needed to be warm, so he grabbed blankets and estimated what size clothing to get.  He needed more than that, surprisingly.  An incredible amount of supplies was needed in keeping an infant alive it would seem.  Bottles were needed to feed it, a pacifiers packaging promised to soothe a distressed baby’s cries, diapers and wipes.  The Soldier stopped in front of the formula, the child’s screams could still be heard from the front of the store.  Several of the canisters were labeled to indicate that they were suitable for premature infants, instructions on how to prepare a bottle neatly printed on the side.

His final stop was to the pharmacy.  If the child died of infection, The Soldier would be punished.  It was simple to pick the locks that barred him from the medications and walked through the shelves.  He paused, listened to the frantic cries of the baby, and looked at the dozens of bottles that filled the room.  Medications had to be given in proper amounts due to weight and severity of illness.  The Soldier did not know the child’s weight, the infection was not severe just yet.  He turned back and walked to the front of the store.  It was still in the basket, wiggling wildly and screaming until he reached down and held it in his hands.

The cries lessened, it didn’t stop but it was no longer as loud.  He carried it over to the scales near the fruit and vegetable sections, metal baskets hanging every few feet for customers to weigh their selections.  He reached out and placed the baby on it.  It was small, he knew that.  The scale said it was just over four pounds.

When he took it back into his arms and pulled it close to his chest, the cries died down into a series of rapid huff of breath.  Small fingers curled weakly against the fabric of the shirt.  Its mouth opened against the metal of his arm in a silent yawn.  They returned to the pharmacy and with the new information of the baby’s weight, The Soldier selected the correct dosage of antibiotics suitable for children.

Before finally leaving the store, he found the office.  A safe was tucked into the wall, several thousand dollars inside for the store’s expenses.  He shoved several handfuls into the pockets of his stolen jeans and left.  They had already been there too long and they needed to find a safe place to rest before sunrise.  He wrapped the baby in a plush blanket to keep it warm and walked out into the cool night.  The street was still empty.  Dawn was a while off, he had more than enough time to find somewhere to hide.

Motels were the easiest.  All that needed to be done was find an empty room and climb in through the window.  If he kept the lights off, no one would come looking for them.  It was clean, sparsely decorated, with a single bed and a cushioned chair.  An old tv set sat on the dresser.

“Don’t.”  He said as he placed the child on the bed, it opened its mouth to resume crying.  “You’ll draw attention.”

It didn’t listen.  He took the pacifier out of its packaging and practically shoved it into the infant’s mouth, sighing in relief as silence returned.  It was hungry, the child was hours old and still had not had its first meal.  He filled a bottle with hot water, carefully measuring it and then adding the appropriate amount of formula.  A small feeling of dread sprang inside of him as he mixed it.  Everything could be wrong, the child could not be ready, its digestive system not prepared for it.  It would die if it didn’t eat, it could die if it did.

The baby was once again getting fussy, its small arms and legs moving rapidly back and forth as it spat out its pacifier.  “Do not die from this.”  The Soldier said as he bent to take the child into his arms.  It didn’t die, not at first.  It drank, greedily accepting the entire contents of the bottle.

He had to hold it while he fed it, not moving so that the bottle would stay in its mouth.  He decided to take stock of the situation.  He was roughly two thousand miles away from where he had to deliver the package, no transport and no escorts, just The Soldier and a newborn.  His weapons were limited, easy to hide but not preferable with such a distance to cover and with the threat of detection.  People would come for them, The Soldier would not fail his mission.

He turned on the tv.  The news was reporting the death of Maria Stark, who had been found in the woods with several unidentified bodies.  The program on the old television would not give him most of the information he needed, like who exactly were looking for him and how far off they were, but it meant that they knew she was dead and that the child was gone.  Howard Stark, the father, was making a statement.  He swore that he would not rest until the child was returned.

The Soldier was not concerned about him.  He was old, a weakening body that would break apart if he was to fight him face to face.  He looked down at the child, slowly finishing its bottle with drooping eyes.  He could see the resemblance, the dark curls and the shape of the eyes.  The man would probably not make a good father, the reporters had already moved on to discuss how Howard Stark would handle being a single parent in the event that the child would be returned.  They spoke of nothing but his excessive drinking and dedication to his company.

The Soldier did not think of what would happen to the infant when it is handed over to his handlers.  It was the mission.

Howard was an odd looking man, with the same angry, dangerous look in his eyes as his handlers.  His arms tightened around the bundle he held and the baby wiggled.  Perhaps his handlers would send him to kill the man next.  When The Soldier looked down again, the child was asleep. 

Its breathing was steady, through his hands he felt the smoothness of each breath.  The lungs wouldn’t be a problem.  The heart might be.  The beat was irregular, which could pose a risk to the baby’s health.  Going to a medical facility was out of the question, too many witnesses likely to report him.  Whoever Stark sent looking for them would find them soon if they weren’t careful.

He dressed the child delicately, careful not to wake it.  It would only start screaming again, The Soldier was hoping for a peaceful, quiet night.  The clothes were too large, hanging from the short limbs loosely, but it would do.  It would be warm.  It was fed.  Vital signs were stable, a dosage of antibiotics had been administered, and the child was deep in sleep.  If it survived the night, The Soldier would be hopeful about the outcome of the mission.

It stayed asleep when he put it back down on the bed, far from the edges where it might accidently roll off.  Once in the bathroom, he stripped out of his fresh, civilian clothes, and stepped into the shower.  His hair needed to be washed, if the connection between the metal of his prosthetic and the flesh of his shoulder wasn’t regularly washed outside of stasis, then infection was likely, and the hot water absorbed into his skin and overused muscles wonderfully.  It melted away the tension and eventually, The Soldier felt relaxed.  They would be fine for the night. 

A shrill cry startled him from his temporary peace.  The child had woken up and demanded attention, completely uncaring of the consequences of bringing attention to them.  The Soldier quickly stepped out of the shower wrapped himself in a towel.  The bundle on the bed was moving around, arms and legs stretching as far as they could.  The pacifier, which would hopefully make good on its promise to soothe a babies cries, was retrieved from the bag and placed in its mouth.

The baby was quiet.  The Soldier returned to the bathroom and began drying.  The water dripped from his long hair and clung to the unevenness of his scarred skin.  The arm was fine, The Soldier could not recall ever having a problem with the prosthetic having contact with water.  A quick glance in the mirror, The Soldier was dissatisfied.  He was too pale, his hair uneven in places where his handlers demanded it trimmed but no one took much care in it.  Blending in with the civilian population as they journeyed towards base would be difficult if his appearances were going to bring attention.

There was not much that could be done.  He did not have his handler’s permission to cut his hair, changing his appearance without guidance from them would bring punishment.  He left his reflection.

“Stop.”  The Soldier said, the baby’s returned cries forcing him out of the bathroom.  “We must be silent, no one can know that we’re here .”

The child did not care for what he had to say.  It kept on screaming.  The Soldier sighed as he stepped close and picked it up, pulling it close to his chest with his arm carefully supporting its fragile head and neck.  The cries stopped.

“Demanding.”  The Soldier muttered.  The child wanted to be held, would scream if it wasn’t.  Better for safety and the preservation of their temporary hiding spot if the child did not cry.  “If I hold you, you will be silent.  Behave, or this will be more difficult for both of us.”

It did not listen, simply opened its mouth and yawned.  The infant stretched out a small hand and rested it on the cool metal of his arm.  The Soldier sat down on the bed and made himself comfortable, propping up pillows behind his back so he could sit up and hold the child while he tried to rest as well.

“Just be quiet.”  The Soldier said.  “We will be gone in the morning.”

It was silent as the child drifted off back to sleep.  Their mingled breathing the only sound for some time, occasionally a car could be heard driving past.  The Soldier adjusted himself so the child would not fall from his arms if he fell asleep.

“Do not die.”  He said as he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER KINDA: *Bucky calls Tony 'it' because he still sees him as his mission and not an actual person. I do not condone calling children 'it' and Bucky will soon stop doing that*


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! It all means so much, you guys are fantastic!

The Soldier did not know what his handlers were planning on doing with the child.  It was useless.  It didn’t speak, didn’t listen, couldn’t understand.  All it did was lie wherever he left it and scream.  Now, after he realized how difficult travel would be with a newborn, they were still in that motel room, that The Soldier had begun paying for extended use, the child was shouting.

“Be quiet.”  The Soldier muttered.  He held it close to the warmth of his chest, he had cleaned it, fed it, and was now running his hand gently over the expanse of its back in an attempt to comfort it.  Nothing worked to soothe the shrill cries.  “What do you want?  Tell me what you want, just stop.”

Speaking to it didn’t work either.  The Soldier was not often permitted to speak, but there was no one to give him his punishment and as long as the child was delivered they would excuse the behavior.  Speaking at this point seemed vital to the success of the mission.  The child didn’t seem to listen, but perhaps if he spoke to it enough it would understand that it needed to stop screaming.

“Please.  I will give you whatever you want, just stop crying.”  The Soldier pleaded.  It was drawing too much attention, the pounding on the wall from the people in the room next to his.  “We will be discovered, they will find you and take you away.  I will not fail because you cannot be quiet.”

He turned on the television, hoping to drown out some of the noise.  The news was on, the investigation into Maria Stark’s murder still going on as well as the search for her missing child.  The program was pointless, it did nothing to stop the baby’s loud screams and the reports would reveal nothing in the search.  If agents were about ready to storm his room and take the package from him, he would have no idea.

A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts.  The Soldiers hand immediately went to the gun tucked into his waistband and used the feeling of the sheathed knife in his boot to ground him.  He pulled the child closer to him with his flesh arm, holding it against his chest to protect it while freeing up his metal hand in case it was needed in combat.  He opened the door.

The woman was short, her build not of a fighter.  Her hair was a dark curly mess around her head, easy to grab if she attacked him, and her clothes were tight fitting, constricting her movements.  She was not likely an enemy, threat level low, but he kept his guard up.

“I swear, you need to shut that baby up before I call management or the police or someone because this is ridiculous.”  She said quickly.  “Feed it, put it to sleep, put it in a basket and send it down the river.  I don’t care.”

The Soldier waited, unsure of how to respond.  There was a difference between giving orders of silence to a screaming infant and communicating with civilians.  If he didn’t respond properly, they would be suspicious.  He would have to kill her, dispose of all evidence of his presence, and then flee.  The child was only a few days old, The Soldier wanted to put off travel until he was sure it was stable.

“I don’t know what it wants.”  He said.  “I fed it, cleaned it, what else should I do?”

The woman rolled her eyes.  “New father right?  What’s his name?”  She said.  The Soldier waited.  “The baby.  His name.”

He furrowed his eyebrows, the child did not have a name.  It would be suspicious for him to tell her so.  The child was nameless, The Soldier could not think of one to give it except the closest thing to a name it had.  “Anthony.”  He said.  The woman, Maria, had called it that when it was still protected inside of her swollen stomach.

The woman in front of him rolled her eyes.  “Okay, take Anthony and hold him higher.  Don’t press his face into your shirt, you’re gonna suffocate him.  Rest his head on your shoulder.”  Clear orders, The Soldier relaxed as he did as he was told.  “Good, now bounce him softly and sing him a song.”

She turned and left, slamming the door as she went.  The child seemed content with its new position, it was still crying, but the screams were no longer as loud as they could be.  It opened its mouth and yawned between cries, the fingers on its small hands curling and uncurling on his shoulder.  In this position, it was easier to feel the beat of its heart.  Slow.  Its chest moved as it breathed, no rattling or jerkiness in its breaths.  Just slow, frequent breathing.

The Soldier did not know any songs.  He started humming random tunes, hoping the child would find is sufficient enough.  It didn’t work.  He tried bouncing it, not moving it from his chest but gently bouncing on the balls of his feet to simulate the movement.  Gradually, the child’s screams died down.  Relief and pride spread through him.  He did it, with some simple guidance from a civilian he was able to soothe his infant.

Anthony, a strong enough name.  It would definitely be easier to complete the mission.  Anthony.  Perhaps his handlers would be angry, The Soldier taking it upon himself to let the mother name her child.  It would have to do, he needed an identity for if they were successfully going to make it to their destination.  The Soldier did not have a cover, no identity.  It was not necessary in his mission briefing.  He had not been instructed to be anyone but The Soldier.

He rocked the child until it fell asleep.  Its breaths were slow against his neck, he counted the seconds between them.  It has only been a few days, he has no medical equipment, so many things could be underdeveloped or failing in this small child and he needed to observe it.  An inhale, exhale, repeat.  He could still feel the slow heartbeat under his hands.  He did not know what the normal heart rate for a child was, he could not tell if it was healthy or not.  As long as it kept breathing, and its heart kept beating, The Soldier would not worry.

“We must go soon.  After you rest.”  He said, gently placing the child onto the bed.  He covered it in plush blankets to keep it warm.  “You have brought attention to us, too many people know we are here now.”

It was bad enough that the frailty of the baby delayed their travel, forcing him to speak to the manager of the motel so they could rent out the room and avoid suspicion, but now the woman knew he was there as well, knew the baby was with him.  If people came looking, it would be problematic.

“Why do they want you?  What use are you?”  The Soldier muttered.  The child didn’t answer, it continued to sleep.  “You can’t speak, can’t move or walk.  All you do is scream and demand, constantly needing food and wanting to be held.  What strategic value are you?”

The Soldier was not expecting a response, but the questions seemed to weigh him down.  He wasn’t supposed to question, he had his orders and he was supposed to follow them.  If they wanted the child, he would give it to them.  But it didn’t explain a thing.  The child could do nothing to help them, couldn’t fire a weapon or answer an interrogator.  It could do nothing but scream at them.

The child was essentially useless, but perhaps it was not about him.  The Soldier could faintly recall their handlers demanding other children, carefully picked out from all the other children in the world simply because of the influence of their parents.

“They’re going to hurt you.”  He said.  Visions of the woman came to the front of his mind, her trembling and constantly asking if they were going to hurt her.  If they would harm her baby.  She wasn’t important, Maria Stark was expendable.  This was about the father.  “He’s a powerful men.”  The Soldier said, echoing the woman’s words.  “This is because of him.  You don’t understand, this is not your fault, but you should know that it’s a likely outcome.”

Anthony was young, too young to understand the world around him.  He didn’t know what The Soldier was saying to him, didn’t know that his mother was dead, and could not comprehend the part his father is playing in this turn of events.  It certainly won’t understand why any of it is happening.  If his handlers decide to hurt the child, it would just know that it was in pain, not how or why.

There was the possibility that The Soldier was wrong, which he hoped he was.  They could just want the child for a future investment.  It wouldn’t be the first time they raised children to become agents.  He shook his head.  It was not his place to think of the intentions of his handlers.  He understood almost as little as the child did.

He packed quickly, the sooner they could leave the better.  They had already stayed in that town for far too long, giving whoever their potential pursuers might be a chance to catch up to them.  Enough food to last them until they could reach the next city, even with Anthony’s constant need to be fed.  He’ll replenish his supplies once he got there.  Once everything was packed away in his backpack, he wrapped the blankets more securely around the child and lifted it off the bed, pulling him to his chest.

“Stay asleep.”  The Soldier said, pleased that the child didn’t stir.  “You have to be quiet now, no more drawing attention.”

It was night, the dark outside would be sufficient cover for them to get a vehicle and leave.  Something dull, inconspicuous.  Stealing a Ferrari would be dangerous, that alongside an infant with a tendency to scream would draw too much attention.  It didn’t take long for him to find the perfect one, a soft beige color, older model, parked on the side of a quiet street.  The surrounding homes were all dark, late enough for suburban families to be off to sleep.

He dropped his backpack onto the ground and gently placed the sleeping baby to rest on top of it, taking care to make sure it had room to rest and not fall off.  Picking the lock was easy, stealing cars was a simple thing he had learned long ago, a lesson he didn’t recall being taught.  Once the door was open, he retrieved his pack and the child.

There was no place for the infant.  The Soldier sat down in the driver’s seat, tossing his backpack into the passenger seat, and froze as he held Anthony in his arms.  Car seats, small children, especially those as small as a newborn baby, were supposed to be in special seats to protect them from the jerky movements of the vehicle.  With a resigned sigh, he climbed back out of the car.

“Too much trouble.”  The Soldier said.  “You better be worth it, kid.  Just stay quiet, more work needs to be done.”

The baby wiggled, but didn’t open its eyes.  He held it close, its head resting on his shoulder, and left the car with their supplies.  The Soldier would walk to the nearest city if he had to, but driving would be quicker.  The more he delayed the completion of his mission, the angrier his handlers would be.  There would already be punishment for the death of his escorts, even though they were the ones who put the mission in jeopardy.  He would be punished for the attention brought on by the woman’s death as well.  He did not want to add punishment for a late delivery of the package as well.

The Soldier stopped, his body freezing suddenly.  He was holding his breath, his mind counting as he waited.  The baby had been breathing, its heartrate slow from sleep, and when it exhaled it did not inhale again.  He counted, seconds ticking by as he waited. The Soldier tapped on the baby’s back, willing him to breathe again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops.  
> Please, feel free to leave kudos or write a review. I'll post the next chapter soon, thank you all so much.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the support this is getting! You're all fantastic.

The Soldier did not know how long the child was in the womb for, how far along in its development it was before he took it out.  All that he knew was that the child was having issues breathing.  The lungs were strong, The Soldier could feel their constant movement with each deep inhale, the problem was that sometimes they stopped.  A constant rhythm of inhale, exhale, breathe in, breathe out, and then the child would go still, broken by a few second period of nothing.  Fifteen seconds later, when the child started breathing again, The Soldier was sitting on the pavement shaking.

He shifted the child in his arms, moving its head so it was in a position where its airways would be more open and rubbed gently across its back.  He could feel the lungs expanding under his hand, steady and smoothly.  The breathing wasn’t rattling, wasn’t gasping and shaky.  He didn’t know why this was significant, but feeling the easy breathing under his hands helped calm his nerves.

“You did that on purpose.”  He whispered.  The child didn’t move, still sound asleep in his arms.  “If you do that again, I will leave you.”

It was a lie, the child’s likelihood of survival on its own was close to nothing and his handlers demanded that it be alive.  The soldier couldn’t help the feeling of guilt, small and nagging in the back of his mind that told him that if he hadn’t have taken the child out of its mother’s womb so early in its development this wouldn’t have happened.  It could have been the lungs, but they felt healthy and strong from what he could feel.  It could be the heart, which had a slow and steady beat.  The brain might be an issue, and the soldier could not tell if its behavior was normal or not, couldn’t find any clear issues with how it acted.  Without a proper medical facility there was no telling what was happening in Anthony’s too small body.  It could be dying and neither of them would know until it was too late.

“Hospitals are not an option.”  The soldier muttered, standing up slowly to continue looking for an escape vehicle.  “We’ve been here for too long, I will not risk capture because you decide not to breathe properly.  You will survive.”

He was walking quickly now.  It was still late, the town still sleeping peacefully without a single care for the soldier and the baby.  Once again, there was no one at the supermarket.  Closed for the night, the soldier’s previous robbery changed nothing.  The security was still easily deactivated and the locks were simple to get past.

Once again, the soldier left Anthony in a shopping basket and made his way to the sections he needed.  Food was a necessity, first aid supplies.  He shoved object after object into his pack until he reached the infant section.  Anthony would need more formula, so far it seemed to not have any negative side-effects.  A car seat was the most important thing at the moment.  Without it, they couldn’t leave in a vehicle.  He had to preserve the child’s health and the best way he could do that is by preventing further injury.  There were several on display, each for a child at a different stage in growth.  The soldier grabbed the smallest one and moved on.

The child was screaming now.  The soldier sighed and quickly made his way back to the front of the store.  There it was, wiggling around fussily after waking up to find itself abandoned.  “Stop crying.  It is unnecessary.”  The soldier said to it.  “They will find us.  They will track us because you require to survive, because you scream too often, because we can’t hide in a secure location because you need too much.  I have your seat and now we must go before they catch up to us.”

It did nothing to soothe the child’s screams.  The soldier bent down to pick him up from the basket, its cries quieting slightly once it was in his arms.  It demanded attention, more often then it demanded to be fed or cleaned.  Anthony wanted to be held, he wanted to be warm, and it wanted to stay in the soldier’s arms at all times.  It was bothersome.

“The sooner we get you to base, the sooner I can finally have peace.”  The soldier muttered.  He carried the child back to the van parked on the side of the road, the perfect vehicle to steal and once they get out of the town no one will look twice at them.

He put the seat in the back and went to work strapping Anthony in, trying to get squirming limbs into the straps and snap them together to keep him in the chair.  It should keep it secure and safe as they drove away.  The rocking of the car wouldn’t harm him.

It screamed, it didn’t want to be let go, but the soldier was already risking too much.  The child was several days old, that whole time spent in one place while the murder of the mother and its kidnapping was being investigated.  So far no one had come for them, perhaps no one was looking at all, but the soldier was behind schedule and he wasn’t going to risk it.  He could handle a child’s cries.

The noise was surprisingly tolerable.  The soldier was able to drown it out and focus on the road, his mind drifting away from the mission and the dead woman and the child desperate to be held in the back seat.  The streetlights lining the road as they left the town passed by in a steady rhythm, a gradual increase and then decrease of light.  Anthony’s cries a constant presence in the back of his mind.

For a moment, he thought the shouts changed, louder and rougher.  Out of breath cries of fear.  They rung in his head, rattling around until it was all he could hear.  Terrified screams of children.  His foot slammed on the breaks, his mind sorting through women begging, men weeping, and children crying.  Crying.  Children always cried, it meant nothing.  He still had a mission, the soldier always completed his missions.

He didn’t realize his face was buried in his hands until Anthony’s cries died out.  He didn’t realize how badly he was shaking until he tried to get himself out of his seat.  It was happening again, he was sure of it.  Anthony’s too small, too fragile body could not keep itself going.  He wasn’t breathing.  The soldier rushed to get out of his seat and threw open the back door.  It was looking at him with wide, blue eyes.  Not a care or worry as it stared at him.  The soldier reached out slowly, placing his hand onto the infant’s chest and felt the steady rise and fall.  The beating under his fingers.  It was fine, just silent and relaxed.  Anthony had finally decided to listen to reason and be quiet.

“You will survive.”  The soldier said.  “I will not fail my mission because you’re ill.”

He didn’t move.  His hand stayed on the child’s chest as it breathed.  Eyes stared at him before drifting off to look at something else.  It couldn’t see, not well enough to understand what it was looking at.  Curiosity just capturing its attention from one blurry item to the next.  It opened its mouth and yawned.  The soldier allowed the tension to bleed out of his muscles and backed away.

Once they were back on the road, putting distance between themselves and the town they had spent too long in, the voices in his head quieted down.  No more invisible children screaming in fear or parents pegging for mercy.  Just the soft sounds of huffed breath and kicking legs from the car seat in the back.

For the first time in as long as the soldier could recall, he felt like he had to fill the silence.  If he spoke, there was no one to issue punishments.  It was safe to speak.  “I hate the name ‘Anthony’.”  He whispered to himself.  “It’s not my place to name you, it’s what the woman wanted, but it annoys me.”

The child gave no response. The soldier hadn’t been expecting once.  It was still too quiet, no orders being shouted at him, no crying infant to fill his head, nothing.  Just the hum of the car’s engine and the breathing, steady and continuous.  If it stopped, the soldier would hear it.

“I would have killed you if they told me to.  If they told me now, I would do it.”  He said.  An odd topic for discussion, but the soldier found truth and comfort in the words.  “You should be more frightened than you are.  Instead of demanding that I hold you, demand it to be quick.  Order me to let you go.  If they tell me to, I will kill you.”

The breathing slowed, not by much, not enough to be worrying.  Only enough to indicate that the child was going back to sleep.  “You don’t care at all.”  The soldier said.  “Two thousand miles, just over two thousand miles and I’ll hand you over.  They will likely hurt you.”

The soldier tightened his hold on the steering wheel.  Perhaps he should have just left the child inside of its dying mother.  It would have been a quicker death than whatever his handlers had planned.  Or he could have abandoned it in the bloodstained van that they had held the woman in.  The authorities would have picked it up.  There were dozens of possibilities.  The soldier could have done any number of things and the child would have been better off.  But he had a mission, they wanted the child alive.  The soldier would complete his mission.  The child meant nothing.

A soft snore.  It sounded healthy enough.  There was no reason that he could think of to cause the child to stop breathing.  It could have just been a fluke, a random occurrence that was unlikely to happen again.  He reached behind him, his arm stretching out and turning awkwardly until he could rest his hand on the child’s chest again while still continue driving down the road.  Breathing normally, a slow heartbeat.

“I remember…  You’re sick.”  The soldier said, his mind jumping from one idea to the next.  He didn’t know what he remembered.  “Perhaps it is the infection.  It was going down, but it might be an issue.”

His fingers trailed up to gently brush over the scabbing cut on its neck.  It wasn’t warm, the last time he had checked it the injury didn’t appear inflamed.  It had been healing fine.  The infection had been fought off with early doses of antibiotics.  That shouldn’t be a problem, but he didn’t know.  The soldier had been trained in killing, becoming an efficient weapon to take a life.  The soldier could not recall a time he was sent out to keep something alive, to nurse someone back to health and protect a small fragile thing from injury.  He had no memory of it, no training, but he would do it regardless.  It was his mission, he had to remind himself.  The child would live.

The child wiggled against his touches and he pulled his hand back.  “Sleep.  You’re quiet when you sleep.”  The soldier said.  “I’m beginning to prefer the crying.  I don’t have to talk as much when you’re crying.”

It was coming easier now, the words.  He was never allowed to speak out of turn, but with no one to punish it he felt no desire to stop.  Speaking was better than the fear of the child’s health that was brought with the silences, worrying that it was once again no longer breathing, and the ghosts of dead people’s voices haunting his head.  He didn’t mind talking, but he didn’t know what to say and he didn’t want it to become a habit for when he returned to his handlers.

A city was coming into view, large buildings brushing against the night sky and signaling the way.  This would be a better place to hide.  Not for long, they were expected at the base soon.  They would stop here just long enough to get themselves situated.  He needed to make sure their supplies stayed stocked, that the child was healthy, and he would feel better knowing that no one was following.  He would look into it in the morning, after he got sufficient rest.

If people were sent after them, he would find out who and how far away they were.  If they were following them, the soldier needed to know how close they were to catching up.  They would not take the child, the soldier had a mission.

As the buildings grew closer the child began to stir again.  Shrill cries filled the car, it was probably hungry.  Once it ate, it would probably sleep again.  It could wait, just a little while until they reached the city and found a place to lay low.

“Hush, just a little while longer.”  The soldier said.  “Then I will hold you again, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've all enjoyed the first few chapters of lovely assassin child care. More characters will be entering soon, bit of conflict that hopefully going to work out alright for our poor baby.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One final chapter of cute assassin and baby bonding time. It's cute, they connect. Yay.

He wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing.  They were making good progress.  By the time Anthony was three weeks old they were over halfway there.  The vehicle meant they were travelling further distances, with brief periods where they would stop for a few days to gather more supplies and tend to the child’s needs, Anthony needed a lot and he needed it frequently.

The past few days they had been hiding out in a motel on the edge of town.  He wasn’t stealing anymore, with the money he had taken he decided to buy everything he needed.  No police reports saying that infant care items were stolen meant there would be less of a trail to follow.  They had everything they needed to get them out of the state.  They were almost there.  The soldier should no longer delay.

They should be leaving, but the soldier couldn’t get up off of the bathroom floor.  He had pressed himself into a corner, his body trembling, and he wasn’t entirely sure why.  His breathes came in desperate gasps, his hands shook as he curled them around his shoulders, and the metal of his arm burned in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time.  It was too heavy, cold and hot all at the same time, like the nerve endings that connected to the metal wiring were on fire.  He thought for a moment that it was damaged, but that was unlikely.  Use of the appendage was casual, not aggressive or overwhelming.  Wear should have been low to nonexistent, it hadn’t taken any hits or breakable force.  It was fine, it had been operating normally.  But it was painful, uncomfortable, and the soldier couldn’t stop his fingers from curling into the point where it met his shoulder and attempting to dig it off.

He kept trying to claw at it, terrified screams filling his ears.  Women begging for their lives, men pleading and bargaining.  Children, so many children, calling out to their parents in fear.  Blood, so much blood that the soldier could feel it dripping from his hands and filling up the room.  He was going to drown in it.  Bombs dropped in the distance, loud booms of destruction echoed in his mind.  It was a war, always a war, and he killed everyone.

Anthony started screaming, the soldier’s head snapping up and looking at the bathroom door.  It wasn’t that loud, not a cry of hunger or fear.  Probably simple discomfort, the soldier considered just letting him cry.  He wasn’t needed, the child would be fine.  He did not want to admit that his legs did not feel stable, that his body was still shaking too wildly to be helpful.  The crying didn’t stop.

“Why are you like this?”  The soldier whispered to himself.  “Why won’t you stop?  What is wrong with you?”

The child cried.  That’s what it did, constantly when it wasn’t given what it wanted.  It cried.  The soldier was tempted to just go in there and shake it until it stopped, until it was quiet and easy and did what it was supposed to do.  His handlers had short tempers, they would not be kind to a crying infant.  Something had to be wrong with it, for it to just cry constantly.  It would cry, its breathing stopped occasionally, it was too small.

“Broken.”  He said.  The child’s screams were starting to mingle with the terrified shouts in his head. “You’re damaged, I broke you.”

The child wouldn’t have been like this if the soldier was more careful.  If he controlled the woman better his escort would not have gotten angry and shot her.  Then things would have been fine.  They wouldn’t have had to stop so often, he wouldn’t have had to abandon the bloodstained van they originally had.  The child would probably not even be born yet and if he was he would have been fully developed and healthy.  But the soldier ruined it, he would be punished when he finally delivered the child.

He took a deep breath and pushed himself up, ignoring the shakiness of his body as he rushed into the bedroom.  Anthony was in the center of the bed, a plush blanket wrapped around him loosely.  He should be warm, comfortable.  What did he want?  The soldier did not know what he wanted.  It was fed, safe.  It needed something, otherwise it wouldn’t be crying.  He bent down and picked the child up, holding him at arm’s length while still trying to support the head.

The crying stopped.

“That’s what you want?”  The soldier said softly.  “That wasn’t necessary.  You need to stop crying.  I don’t have time to hold you.”

He put Anthony back down on the bed and walked away.  He didn’t make it back to the bathroom, to the calm white room where he could sort out what was going on in his head.  Anthony was crying again, louder this time.  The soldier looked back and frowned.  He wouldn’t listen, wouldn’t stop.

There was blood.  He was surprised he hadn’t seen it until now.  Covering his hands and dripping down his shoulder, streaks of it on the bathroom floor and now on the baby.  He had dug too deeply into his skin in his delirious, panicking state.  It was already healing, the bleeding slow and will likely stop within a minute.  The soldier sat down on the ground, his head spinning.

Useless, he had made another mistake.  Blood everywhere, it would need to be cleaned so that no one is alerted.  The child will need to be bathed.  He didn’t know why he did it, just that the arm felt wrong suddenly and he needed it off.  Idiotic.  A defective machine that couldn’t do his job without a thousand mistakes.

He went to the bathroom and turned on the water in the tub.  Warm, but not hot.  As it slowly filled he worked on scrubbing the smears off of the tiles.  They came out easily, but the rags would have to be disposed of properly.  They could be found if he just tossed them into the trash can.  Anthony was still crying when he went out to get him.  Small arms and legs swinging around as he demanded attention.

The clothes were ruined, stained and would have to be thrown out with the rags.  Smears of blood were drying on the child’s face and arms.  The soldier tucked Anthony close to his chest and walked back to the bathroom and shut the water off.  It wasn’t very high, but it wasn’t necessary to be.  He quickly stripped off his soiled shirt and sat down next to the tub, he sat the child down against his legs.  It was content with that contact.

Taking a handful of water, the soldier reached up and rubbed it into his shoulder to wash away the blood.  He scrubbed his hands, arm and shoulder, and the bit of his chest where the blood had ran.  When he was satisfied that he was clean he picked up the child and slowly lowered it into the water.  He kept a hand on Anthony’s back, careful to be sure that the head stayed above the water so he could breathe.

“I hate your name.”  The soldier said as he watched the baby.  Anthony was calm and sedated.  Silent as he stared up at him through wide eyes.  “Anthony, your mother was bad with names.”

He began washing the child, pouring small handfuls of water over it and lightly scrubbing the area with soap.  Anthony made a noise, something close to a gurgle, and wiggled at each splash of water.  The soldier continued, the nerves still shaking his hand but he was feeling calmer at the easy and delicate mission of cleaning the baby.  It was simple, he could get this done without ruining it.  As long as it kept the child happy and silent, he would relax.

“You need to behave.”  The soldier said softly.  “If you’re too loud, if you’re not how they want you to be, then you will be punished.  The handlers, they are smart.  They give out orders, we follow them.  That’s how it’s supposed to be.  If you misbehave, if you’re too loud, they’ll punish you.  They know a lot of ways to hurt, you belong to them know so you have to do what you’re supposed to.  Be silent.”

Anthony seemed unconcerned, just stared up at the soldier as he gently washed him.  Silent, lax, and completely pliant in the soldier’s hands.  A thought popped into his mind and it was gone almost as soon as it arrived.  If he drowned the child, his handlers couldn’t punish it because the soldier had forced it into life too soon and was thus unhealthy.  If Anthony died, he wouldn’t be harmed.  The baby yawned and the soldier lifted him from the water to wrap him in a dry towel.

“We’ll leave tomorrow.  There will be no more stops.  It took us three weeks to get this far, nearly half the distance, and that is unacceptable.”  The soldier mumbled.  “I intend to be there by the end of the month.  I’ve already taken far longer than I was scheduled to.  The sooner we get there, the easier it will be.”

He held the child, his head resting on his shoulder and eyes slowly drifting closed as the soldier rocked back and forth.  He hummed a few random tunes, the senseless melody working its magic and dropping the child off to sleep.  Not wanting to risk waking him and causing him to cry further, the soldier kept holding him and relaxing at the soft breaths that hit his neck every few seconds.  He was breathing.

“Your mother called you ‘Tony’ once.  I like that.”  The soldier said.  “Easier than ‘Anthony’.  But it doesn’t matter.  They will most likely rename you once I deliver you to them.  You will be what they want.  Behave.  Please.”

The breathing stopped.  The steady gusts against his neck dying and the pattern broken. The soldier patted Tony’s back until it started again.  Nine seconds.  Too long of a time for someone so small to not breathe.  He would have to stop, his handlers would not be pleased if Tony continued to have these problems.  They would be angry and when they’re angry they punish.  The child was too young to learn.  They would punish an infant and they would know perfectly well that the child would just continue on.

“You need to stop.  Behave or I’ll leave you here.”  The soldier whispered his hollow threat.  “I am a murderer, a weapon.  It would be easier to just kill you now than keep you alive.  I am not trained to keep people alive.”

A snore.  The soldier smiled softly as the breathing tickled his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I thought it was a cute chapter, all things considered. It's going to get really sad soon, but then better! More people coming into the story. Also, this is going to be long, I didn't realize how long I planned it to be until now. So be prepared for a long story.


	6. Chapter 6

The soldier couldn’t just walk into the base with the baby in hand.  They weren’t expecting him, they would shoot first and although the soldier would survive a bullet wound it was unlikely that the child would.  Calling wasn’t possible, the base changed phone numbers regularly, the soldier did not know the new one.

He hid in a building a few blocks away and sent a radio signal.  The numbers may change, but the radio didn’t.  The message was sent, now all he had to do was wait.

“You’ll be alright.  Do as you’re told and you’ll be just fine.”  The soldier muttered.  Tony was sleeping, wrapped in a plush blanket against the soldier’s chest.  “Everything will be over soon.”

The child was breathing fine, a steady rhythm.  It was good, maybe he had grown out of whatever was causing the problems.  If Tony was as healthy as he was supposed to be, then his handlers wouldn’t find a reason to punish.  There was a very real chance that damage had been done when he cut the child out of the womb too early.  Underdeveloped, unhealthy, defective.  It had survived the first month of life so he hoped that meant whatever problems there could be weren’t life threatening.

“Be good.  You can’t speak, but promise me you’ll behave.  It’ll be easier if you do.”  The soldier whispered softly.  Tony stayed asleep.  “Trust me, kid.  If you do what they want it will hurt less.”

He heard the vehicles before they pulled up onto the street.  Several cars, heavy, driving slowly.  They stopped in front of the building.  The soldier held his breath, pulling the baby closer to his chest.  Tony wiggled, stretching out his tiny fingers as he stirred at the movement.  He could run, climb out the window and take off.  It had never crossed his mind before, to disobey orders and never go back.  To hide away where his handlers would never find him.  All the soldier ever used to care about was completing his mission.

He didn’t move.  The mission was almost over, his objective was to deliver the child and now he was finally doing it.  The soldier didn’t realize he was shaking until he heard soft footsteps coming up the stairs and heading down the hall.  They were here, it wasn’t too late to run.  He had travelled over 2000 miles, kept a screaming infant alive for a whole month, and for the first time in as long as he could remember, he considered abandoning his mission.

Tony gurgled, a soft little sound that captured his attention.  He was still tired and groggy, but he was blinking slowly as he looked up at him, calm and relaxed.  The soldier smiled, running a metal finger over the healing scar around the baby’s neck and up his pale face until he was able to brush the fluffs of dark hair away from his forehead.  Tony was perfect, he may not be as children should, but the soldier couldn’t find a single thing wrong with him.

“I’m sorry.”  He whispered.  Then the door burst open.

Soldiers, dozens of them with their faces covered and weapons drawn.  He could kill them all easily enough, but he would have to put down the baby to do it.  They were waiting, checking over the room for traps or weapons.  The soldier didn’t move from his seat.  He heard it, the confident click of leather shoes against the linoleum.  Pierce, his handler.  Come to retrieve him in person.  He didn’t know if he should be honored or terrified.  The guns pointed at him didn’t lower as they stepped aside to make a path for him.

He was young, early thirties at the oldest.  Blond hair cut short and he smiled as if he had won some rigged bet that was always in his favor.  Familiar, yet completely different all at once.  “You’re late.”  Pierce said as he stood in front of the soldier.  “Mission report.”

“Tony’s sick.”  The soldier said.  “He’s not breathing right.  The baby.”

“You named him?”  Pierce asked, raising an eyebrow.

The soldier shook his head quickly.  “No, sir.  The mother did.”

Pierce frowned, but nodded.  “Mission report.”  He repeated.

“The mission went well.  We retrieved the target without incident.  The escorts decided to stop, the woman tried to escape.  She killed one, the other shot her.  I shoved a knife into his chest.  The child had to live, that was the mission.”  The soldier said, he looked down.  He couldn’t look at his handler, he couldn’t stop the trembling if he maintained eye contact.  Instead he looked at Tony, who was reaching out to him and trying to curl his hands into the soldier’s long strands of hair.  “She was dying, I had to ensure the survival of the infant.  The vehicle was covered in blood, I had to abandon it.”

As he spoke he shifted his hold on the baby, moving him so that the head rested against his shoulder.  Tony’s fingers curled into his hair and held strongly, making a soft groaning sound that didn’t mean anything.  If Tony was uncomfortable or hurt, he would be louder.  Pierce straightened up as he listened, putting his hands on his hips as he watched them intently.

“Give me the baby.”  He said finally.  The soldier froze.

He shook his head.  “No.”

“No?  I gave you an order.”  Pierce said.  Still, the soldier didn’t move.  A hand shot out and slapped him, the force behind it surprising and painful as it nearly knocked him to the side.  The soldier had a good hold on the baby, he wasn’t even disturbed by the movement.  “It doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to Hydra.  Now hand it over.”

The soldier didn’t.  He straightened himself and held Tony as close as he could without smothering him.  He was the only one who had ever held him, knew how Tony liked to be held, and no one else had ever touched him before.  He looked at Pierce’s hands, they were sharp and strong.  The grip would be too tight, he would move Tony too forcefully.  The soldier could not recall a time when those hands were ever gentle.

Pierce crouched down in front of him.  “You did a good job, you kept him alive.  Now your mission is over.”  He said, reaching out to take the child.  “He’ll be better off with trained medics than with you.  Now hand him over.”

The soldier didn’t fight back when Tony was pulled from his arms.  He remained seated as Pierce frowned down at the wiggling child.  Tony was uncomfortable, making soft whining noises that would no doubt turn into screams within a few minutes.  He was passed off to a nearby soldier who took him into his arms and left the room.  The soldier froze, he couldn’t see Tony anymore.  No matter what, Tony was always either in the next room or in a place where he could be seen or heard.  Now he was being taken away.

There was screaming, when Tony was awake he was crying most of the time.  The soldier had learned to live with it but the sound of those screams getting quieter and fading as they took the child outside and into a vehicle caused him to tense.  Alarms were going off in his head knowing that they were separated, that they had taken Tony away.

“Heath status?”  Pierce said.  He walked up to the window and looked out.

“The mother shot me.  In the shoulder.  It healed, no further complications.”  The soldier said slowly.  He didn’t hear the vehicle drive away, the baby was still close.  “Tony stops breathing sometimes, usually when he’s sleeping and just for a few seconds at a time.  It’s not his fault.  He needs to stay warm as well, loses body heat too fast.”

“That’s not your concern any more.  He’s being sent to people capable of keeping him alive.”  Pierce said.  “When we get back, you’ll be evaluated.  Answer every question and follow every order, we’ll get around to discussing the past month once things are settled.”

This was fine, all he had to do was follow orders.  This was what he was familiar with, if he did what he was supposed to do then things would be fine.  “Don’t punish him.  He cries, but don’t get angry at him for it.”  The soldier said softly, pleading as he looked down at his hands.  “Please.”

No one answered him.  They all just continued to keep their weapons pointed at him as they instructed him out of the room, down the stairs, and into one of the waiting vehicles.  It wasn’t the one with Tony, but the soldier kept a close eye to make sure the other cars didn’t change direction and break away from the convoy.  He had come too far with that little boy to be comfortable putting any more distance between him.  It was ridiculous, the mission was complete, there was no reason to care anymore.  The soldier did anyway.

It took them just a few minutes to get back to the base, it was the same as it had been when he started his mission.  The abandoned building was a decoy, the complex system of floors underneath it served as the facility.  The layout was the same, hallways leading into the correct rooms and the soldier could navigate it with his eyes closed.  They were probably taking the child where he could be looked at by the doctors on staff, which would be on the second floor down in the large room at the far east.  The thought of Tony, small and defenseless in that room with those doctors terrified him.  His hands would not be still and when he closed his eyes he could see the needles and scalpels, the faceless doctors with their white masks who wouldn’t listen when he begged them to stop.  That’s not where they were taking the soldier, they took him to the bottom floor, the center most room.

The chair sat in the middle, lifeless and cold.  He was instructed to sit.  They didn’t strap him in, didn’t even turn it on.  They just sat him down and started examining him.  The arm mostly, a month without a proper scan, there could have been damage or decay.  It was fine.  As often as he used it there was never an instance over the past month where it had seen heavy combat and it ran smoothly.  The attachment was at his shoulder, deep enough to be connected to his nerves.  If there was something wrong, he would have felt it.

“You’ve always been difficult to track, we were about to issue the order to take you out since you didn’t return.”  Pierce said.  “We couldn’t find you, why didn’t you try to contact us?”

“The baby needed to be handled delicately and quickly.  There wasn’t time to think of anything else.”  The soldier answered.  “He had to live.”

Pierce nodded.  “It doesn’t take a month to travel the distance between the Stark home and here.”  He said.

“Tony needed constant care.  He needed to stay warm and fed, if he wasn’t held he would be fussy.  He would cry, loud and frequent.”  The soldier said.  He wondered what was happening now, if the doctors were being delicate or if Tony’s screaming was frustrating them.  It was unlikely that they would be gentle, the soldier could not remember a time when they were ever willing to show mercy to begging and crying.  “He doesn’t understand.”

They were all silent as they listened to him, Pierce’s features hardening as the soldier tried to explain.  It wasn’t Tony’s fault that he was like this, he was too small, born too early.  If he had a temper, if he wasn’t healthy enough, if the soldier had somehow broken him trying to save him by bringing him out too early, then it wasn’t Tony’s fault.  He shouldn’t be punished for it.

“Kill it.”  Pierce said firmly, his voice steady and uncaring.  The soldier looked up and frowned.  “Go kill the child.”

He didn’t move, didn’t breathe.  “But my mission was to bring him here alive.”  He said slowly.

“Yes, and you completed your mission.”  Pierce said.  “Now I want the child dead and I want you to do it.”

“Is that my new mission?”  The soldier asked. 

“Yes.”

He could do it, it would be better if he did.  Tony wouldn’t be punished if he was dead.  The soldier could make it quick, painless.  If it was his mission, he had to do it.  There had never been a moment when he disobeyed orders, his missions were to kill people and that’s what he did.  Whole families, mothers, fathers, and children dead at his hands.  This infant wasn’t any different, the fact that his previous mission was to keep him alive changed nothing.  He could kill him, it meant nothing.

The soldier couldn’t open his mouth to speak.  His handler was waiting for a response that he couldn’t give, but he nodded anyway.  The mission was most important, the soldier would do as he was told.  The soldier would do as was expected of him.

Pierce seemed satisfied, instructing him to stay seated.  The child wasn’t a concern, he was to leave it be.  A test, it was just a test.  The soldier let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.  Testing his loyalties.  They had done it a thousand times before, as long as a real order didn’t come in for the child’s death, it would be fine.  He would do it, but he didn’t want to.  The soldier would complete his mission.

He continued to sit there as they looked him over, noting the long healed bullet wound that the woman had left on him the night she died.  It wasn’t a problem anymore.  It was just another scar.  There were more doctors in the room, not the kinds with needles, but the ones that asked too many questions.  A month long mission was cause for concern, they had to make sure he was still useable.  Things were fine, he could fall back into the position they expected him to.  He could be what they wanted.  It would be better if things returned to the way they were before he was issued this mission.  Everything would be alright now.  He would be punished for the delay, for the damage to the child, and the death of his escorts, and then he could try to forget about the child and just follow orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked the chapter. Things aren't looking up but hopefully it won't be too terrible. He's in an interesting place right now where he wants to fall back into the habits Hydra forced onto him but he also wants to protect Tony, but we'll see how that works out for him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay!!! I hit a rut where I didn't write much at all. This is just a short chapter before things kick back into gear so it's not much of an apology but I'll try to get the next one out sooner.

Something was missing.  His arms felt empty, his ears were ringing from the overwhelming silence, and the soldier knew that there was something gone that needed to be here with him.  It was wrong.  The soldier was not supposed to miss the child.  He wasn’t supposed to think about him anymore, Tony was delivered safely to his handlers and the mission was complete.  The baby meant nothing.

“Status report?”  Pierce asked, standing in front of him.

“Operational.”  He said.

Pierce seemed satisfied.  He stepped back and smiled, instructing everyone else to leave the room.  The soldier didn’t move, he didn’t flinch or fidget.  He waited.  His hands resting in his lap as he tried to present himself as open and vulnerable.  His handlers did not like it when the soldier was defensive.

“You have grown close to the child.”  Pierce said once everyone left the room.  The technicians were needed just long enough to determine the soldier was in working order, no lasting damage to his body or the arm.  He had yet to be analyzed for his mental state, that was usually one of the first things checked after a mission.  “Tell me about him.”

It was a trick.  There was always some trick to these things.  They wanted the soldier to bring the child in, then they wanted him to kill him, and now they want him to talk.  Still, the soldier could not disobey orders.

“He is small, too small.”  The soldier said slowly.  “I had to cut him out too early.”

“Because the mother was shot, it is an understandable issue.  We did, however, ask for the mother alive so that we could get the child in perfect condition.”  Pierce said.  He pulled up a chair so he was now sitting in front of him.  He didn’t seem angry, his hands were resting on his lap, his body language relaxed.  “But, sadly, the woman was shot.”

“She attempted to escape.”  The soldier said.  “She killed one of my escorts and attacked the other.  He shot her as she ran.”

Pierce hummed.  The corners of his mouth pulled down in thought.  The soldier tensed as the silence went on.  He had done something wrong, surely.  The child was not healthy enough, it had been a mistake to cut him from the womb when he was not healthy enough to be useful.  Perhaps it would have been best to let him die.

“And then you killed your other escort?”  Pierce asked.  The soldier nodded.  “That will be punished.”

“He was a threat to the child.”  The soldier said.

Pierce moved quickly, one moment relaxed in the seat in front of him and the next he was leaning forward, his hand slapping the soldiers face with enough force to nearly knock him from his seat.  He didn’t fall though, his balance was just thrown off.  The soldier readjusted himself in his seat and looked back at his handler.

“It will still be punished.”  Pierce said, his voice cold.  “Now, about the child.  Do you think he is in suitable condition to be of use?”

“He’s sick.  Doesn’t breathe right.”  The soldier said.  The side of his face hurt.  It throbbed for a few moments, then stopped.  Pain never lasted too long.  “He is sick, correct?  Will he live?”

“You ripped him from the safety of his mother’s womb.  Do you think he is well?”  Pierce asked.  He sounded annoyed, the soldier did not know what to do.  He wanted to know what had happened to the child but he couldn’t help feeling reprimanded for asking.

This was a test.  Pierce was encouraging him to ask about Tony, but only to see if he would.  The mission was over, the child was no longer important.  He looked away, letting his head fall and his gaze going down to the ground in what he hoped was a submissive gesture.  His handler would be pleased.  Or he should be at least.  The soldier just didn’t know what he wanted anymore, how to follow orders perfectly like the obedient weapon he had to be.

“The child’s heartrate is too slow.  It’s causing issues with the lungs, though nothing fatal.”  Pierce said.  “It will never be healthy enough to be a suitable field agent, but if the child turns out to be as intelligent as his father then we might still have a use for him.  If not then he’ll just be more trouble than he’s worth.  A waste of time.”

“Why are you telling me this?”  The soldier asked.  He was surprised he wasn’t being punished for speaking out of turn, but he wanted to know.  “Are you going to kill him?”

“No.  He’s too much of an asset at this point.  I’m telling you this because I want to see what you will do.”  Pierce said.  “You’ve been distracted the past few days.  Because of that child, you’re unfocused.  So, to see if it will be a problem I’ve decided to send you out on another assignment.  You wouldn’t want the child to be in any more trouble because you are not useful anymore, would you?”

The soldier shook his head.  Tony would not be harmed because of him.  If the child behaved, was quiet, then he would be fire.  The soldier would not put that at risk.

“There’s a woman, she’s your next target.”  Pierce said.  “High-priority, skilled in hand-to-hand combat.  Long distance weaponry is recommended.  She runs an organization called SHIELD, they’ve been attempting to track down the child and take him in.  Are you willing to let them take the child away?”

“No, sir.”  He said.  He had spent a month trying to complete this mission and bring Tony to his handlers, no one was going to take him away.  “If I kill her.  Can I see him?”

That was probably asking too much.  He wouldn’t be allowed to see him.  But he wanted to make sure he was alright, that he was still breathing even though he kept stopping just to scare him.  The soldier had to be sure that no one was hurting him, even though he couldn’t do anything if they were.  The baby was on the medical floor, the soldier did not know the doctors to be kind and gentle.  The soldier wanted to see him, to hear him cry because it was so silent without him.  If he was lucky, maybe he would get to hold him again.

Pierce didn’t answer his question, instead he just started listing variables.  Where the woman was, what her daily routines were, and when and how he was supposed to kill her.  It would keep the child safe, Pierce told him.

“Failure would invoke punishment.”  Pierce said calmly once the soldier was prepared for his mission.  “We will wipe you and start again.”

“Understood.”  The soldier said.

It didn’t feel right, leaving the facility on another mission.  He was leaving Tony alone with these people, but he had no other choice.  He wouldn’t fail.  Tony would be safe.  The soldier couldn’t think straight, he couldn’t focus.  Seeing Tony again would clear his head, get him to stop worrying.  The soldier could go back to following orders and forget about this mission.

As long as Tony was safe and the soldier wasn’t forced into the chair, than killing one woman would be fine.  He could do it.  It’s just a mission, just one more mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor guy, he's all over the place. One moment he wants to forget Tony and the next he wants to protect him. Things are falling apart. I hope it works out for him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I am trash.

The soldier was in an empty apartment across the way, lying near the window with his rifle aimed at the building across the way.  His target was in the kitchen, staring down at dozens of papers laid out over her table.  She seemed frustrated, angry.  Whatever she was looking at was causing her stress and the soldier watched her every move as he waited for the order to take the shot.

He had been there for several hours now, the comm in his ear silent as he waited.  His orders were clear, to not engage until told to.  She wasn’t doing anything, just studying the papers in front of her.  The target didn’t appear to be much of a threat.  She was a small woman, a few strands of grey in her brown hair with lines around her mouth and dark circles under her eyes.  His handler said that she was skilled, the soldier could see careful balance in the way she walked, but other than that he didn’t understand.

A baby was crying somewhere in another apartment.  The soldier could easily make out the sound of its harsh wails.  They weren’t cries of pain, which were sharp and forceful.  No, these were simply cries of discomfort, a needy child demanding to be held.  He heard the soft sound of a woman’s murmuring and then the crying died down.  The soldier continued to listen, he wondered if the baby’s mother was singing to it or rocking gently from side to side.

“We got someone coming in.”  One of his escorts said into his ear piece.  The soldier didn’t move.  “Do not engage.”

The target was still at the table, angrily circling passages on one of the papers in front of her.  She looked up for a moment, her eyebrows raised in confusion, and she glanced over as her front door opened.  The soldier saw the quick movement, her hand darting under the table in a gesture the soldier recognized.  She was going for a weapon.

The man who walked through her front door didn’t seem at all concerned with the gun she had pointed at him.  Instead he just walked further into her apartment and into her kitchen, the soldier couldn’t get a good glimpse at his face to analyze his expression, but his body was tense.  The woman lowered her weapon and turned to speak with him.

“Wait for orders.”  The voice in his ear said slowly.  The soldier continued not to move.

The two of them were talking, angrily, the woman gesturing towards the papers and then pointing a finger in the man’s face.  He reached out and grabbed her wrist, the harsh and the woman’s other hand went flying, her fist connecting with his cheekbone.  The soldier couldn’t help but smirk, it was a solid punch.

“Kill them both.”  The orders came.

The soldier raised his rifle slightly, the woman had retreated further into her apartment but the man had turned to face the window.  He was looking down at the street and rubbing his cheek.  The man at the window was familiar, his hair dark and delicately trimmed hair and mustache.  The soldier knew this man, he recalled seeing him several times on the television on those late nights when Tony would cry and demand attention instead of going to sleep.  The news would be on and he would watch for reports, just any idea of how the investigation was going and if anyone was looking for them.

Howard Stark had made several press conferences, the soldier had watched them with the baby curled up against his chest.  The woman, Maria, had said he would come save her, that he was a powerful man who would save their son.  The soldier took aim, a thousand thoughts running through his head.

“I said, kill them both.”  The man said over the comm, his voice impatient.

The soldier held his breath as he lined up the shot.  This man did nothing, he was supposed to come save them.  Now his wife was dead and his son was with his handlers because he didn’t do enough.   The baby in the other apartment was crying again and it was quickly followed by more of the soft, muffled voice of the mother.  Desperate for attention and too young to comfort themselves just yet.

He dropped his gun and quickly backed away from the window, shouts and voices in his head screaming at him from all directions and he curled up the moment his back hit the wall.  He couldn’t stop thinking of that mother who didn’t get to be a mother and the baby he cut out of her.  He remembered each small child, each mother and father and every other person he ever put a knife or bullet into.  He was a monster, he had killed a woman and stolen her infant and now he was about to kill the father.

“Report.”  His escort said, practically growling in his ear.  “Soldier, your orders are to kill the targets.”

He took the comm out of his ear and crushed it, silencing the voice that was shouting commands.  It wasn’t quiet enough just yet.  He could still hear the baby’s gurgling from the other side of the wall, the mother cooing softly.  Tony was locked away in the facility, with the doctors or scientists or agents looking after him.  Was he warm enough?  Did they hold him and feed him and pat his back to get him to breathe?

He could do it, just shoot the man and then the woman and once both targets are killed he could go back.  Things didn’t have to change at all.  He didn’t have to worry about the baby any more.  Tony wasn’t his problem.

“What am I doing?”  He whispered softly to himself, burying his face in his hands.  He didn’t want to see any more, didn’t want to look at that empty apartment he was hiding in or the people in the one across the street that he was going to kill.

He crawled back to his rifle, picking it up off of the ground and aiming it across the street.  Howard was sitting at the table now, his head in his heads as Peggy casually patted his back.  There was broken glass on the floor and the papers had been thrown around.  Peggy was…

Peggy.  Peggy Peggy PeggyPeggyPeggyPeggy.  He put the gun back down, he wasn’t supposed to know her name.  When given the mission he had not been informed of it.  How did he know what the woman was called?  Her name ran over and over through his head, he knew her.  He didn’t know how he knew her but he could recognize the bright red of her lips and the way she carefully styled her hair and could now clearly see the muscles hidden under her clothes and the skills required to kill a man.  He knew her.

He knew her because she knew Steve.  And Steve was… no one.  He didn’t know who Steve was.  He was just a name locked somewhere inside his head.  No face, no memory, just a name.  He had the odd feeling that something in his body was breaking apart, but the arm was still functioning perfectly and he had not sustained an injury during the mission.  He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, so much was hitting him all at once and he couldn’t stop the shaking in his body.

“Soldier.”  One of the escorts said.  They were there to make sure he completed his mission, that was their job.  They walked into the apartment with guns raised, slowly stepping closer and staring at him as if he were a rabid dog about to lose control and rip them to shreds.  “Status report.”

He didn’t move.  He could hardly breathe.  His whole body felt like it was about to shake apart because he couldn’t do it.  He couldn’t be the man that killed both of Tony’s parents, orphaning the child before he even got a chance to do a thing in the world.  He had already turned him over to people he knew would hurt him, but he couldn’t kill Howard Stark.  And Peggy.  He didn’t know what to do with Peggy.  He didn’t know what to do at all.

The people walked further into the room, their guns still aimed straight for him.  “Soldier!”  One of them snapped.

“Don’t _call_ me that.”  He said.  “I’m not… I’m not.”

“Stand down.”  One of them said, taking another step closer as their finger slid over the safety and turned it off.  His whole body twisting as he grabbed the barrel of the closest gun and yanked it to the side, forcing the person holding it to turn and he slammed his metal fist into their chest.

It wasn’t difficult.  They had only sent three people along to make sure his mission was completed successfully.  He took them all down without issue, not even looking down at the bodies when he was done.  His targets were still in Peggy’s apartment, steaming mugs in front of them on the table as they talked to one another.  They would be fine.

“What am I doing?”  He said softly to himself.  His head kept jumping from one thought and memory and emotion to the next.  A part of him wanted to go back to his handlers one his knees and beg to be put in the chair.  It would hurt, but things would be the way they should.  Another part of him wanted to go across the street to Peggy and Howard and figure out what was happening to him.  He wanted to know where he wanted to know how he knew Peggy, whether it be from an earlier mission that his memory didn’t stretch far enough back to recall.  Mostly he wanted to go find Tony, to hold him and soothe him and make sure he was warm and alive and breathing.  He wanted to find his little baby, he never should have handed him over in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor guy is falling apart, hopefully he can figure out a sense of who he is and what he needs to do to fix things. He's so confused, memories are pouring through the cracks and he's just so lost in it all.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Chapter!! This was fun to write, I feel like it came together alright. I hope you like it.
> 
> Also, for no particular reason I changed the warnings to 'graphic depictions of violence' but that's nothing to worry about.....................

He didn’t know what he was going to do.  He just knew where Tony was and that he needed to get there.  There was so much going through his head, images of people he couldn’t quite remember.  Voices talking and screaming and crying and laughing.  There were places, a small bedroom with a view of the city, a hot desert that smelled like ash and fire, a dirty trench filled with tired soldiers.  He didn’t know what was going on inside his head, but it didn’t matter.

He was across the street, watching the building carefully.  They had increased security since he killed his escort team and ran off, but he could still get in if he could think of a plan.  But he couldn’t.  Absolutely nothing came to mind on how to get in and safely get Tony out.  He felt so stupid, so goddamn useless that he couldn’t even save this one baby.

Tony was probably with the doctors, second floor down in the medical wing.  He remembered the doctors.  He remembered their needles and scalpels.  He remembered being strapped down and begging for them to stop.  He remembered a pain in his head and a fuzziness in his thoughts as they evaluated him over and over again.  He had a lot of memories, of pain and fear, of all the faceless doctors with their white masks and cold gloves.  And Tony was with them.

Guards were wandering around the outside of the building, looking entirely like a small group of civilians.  They weren’t in protective clothing and if he wanted to kill them he could do it without having to get too close.  But that would raise the alarm and ruin his chances of getting to Tony.  The guards walked by, all of them scanning the area carefully.  They were looking for him.  He slipped into the building after they walked past, moving quickly to avoid being seen by any nearby groups.  Taking the elevators was out of the question, they would alert anyone in the security rooms immediately of his presence.  The ventilation shafts were probably his best bet to move down the facility and through the floors until he found Tony, it would be a tight fit but at least no one would know he was there.

He had no idea what was going on with him, his body was shaking and felt like it was falling apart, his mind jumped from broken memories to past missions to the overwhelming desire to either run away or kill everyone in this building until he got his kid back.  He kept moving, it felt like the only thing he could do at this point.

It was surprisingly easy.  Even as he hid in the ventilation shafts he thought there might be at least some difficulties, but not a single person raised an alarm, not a single guard raised their weapon in suspicion.  It was odd, but he wasn’t going to start questioning good things now.

He heard the crying before he even got to the room.  The medical wing was basically two areas, a lab and an operating room.  There were a few more rooms, like the rooms where they tie people down for their tests, or let wounded agents rest after injury, but these three were the most important ones.  These were the three rooms that he knew best.

The doctors were in the lab, each at their own machine or computer.  One was standing over a large, clear box and tapping loudly against the sides.  Tony was inside, lying on his back and wiggling as he cried.  He kicked his legs and swung his arms as he screamed for attention, for someone to hold him.

“Just shut up already!”  The doctor said as she hit her hand again against the side of the box.  If anything, the loud and forceful tapping and rocking of the box made Tony just cry louder.

He quickly opened the vent, just as the doctor had opened the box and reached in to grab the baby.  She wrapped a large hand around Tony’s arm, her grip tight, as she started to pull Tony towards him harshly.  There was a knife in the doctor’s hand before she was able to take the baby into her arms, the blade digging into a nearby table and pinning her down.  He was crying louder now, his shrill calls piercing the pained cries of the doctor.  He had been yanked, a red mark growing on his arm in the shape of the woman’s hand, and he was upset.

“Shh, it’s alright.  I’m here.”  He said as he started to peel off all the sensors and wires on the baby.  Sticky ones were attached to the chest that led to a machine that beeped slowly, it stopped once all the pads were off.  There was another tube, this one deep up Tony’s nose as liquid dripped into it.  All of them were simple enough to remove and once they were gone he picked up the baby.  And just like that the crying stopped, replaced with a soft gurgling sound as he held the baby close to his chest.  “Yeah.  You remember me, don’t you?  I take care of you.”

He knew how to hold Tony, close to his chest with his small head resting on his shoulder.  Tony’s hand went up to curl into his long hair and hold tightly.  This was right, this was how things were supposed to be.

“Put the child down.”  The doctor said, her voice shaking as spoke.

He turned to look at her.  All the other doctors had ran the moment he had stabbed her and taken the child into his arms, but she was pinned down with a knife.  He turned away from her, she didn’t matter anymore.  Now that Tony was free of the monitors and machines he looked so small and frail, his skin pale and several deep bruises appeared on his arms and legs.

“What did you do?”  He asked slowly.  He turned to look back at the doctor, who had moved as far from him as possible without moving her hand.  She was afraid of pain, it seemed.  Most people would have ripped the knife out by now and run, he certainly hadn’t been too focused to follow if she did, but she stayed.

“I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t touch him.”  She said, shaking her head.

“Then why is he hurt?”  He asked, pulling the baby closer and walking towards her.

His focus was on the knife, the doctor saw that clearly.  “No!  No, leave it!”  She said quickly, putting her free hand out in front of her.  “I didn’t touch him, I swear.  There are other doctors, other agents that come through, I didn’t touch him.”

He ripped the knife out of the table, he only saw a flash of her blood on it before he shoved it back down and this time stabbing straight through her wrist.  Her shouts caused Tony to start crying again, but he was too angry to leave this woman and too determined to put him down.  He let go of the knife and grabbed her hair.

“You grabbed him.”  He said slowly.

“I just wanted him quiet.  All he does is cry.”  She said quickly, her voice trembling.

“Then you hold him!  He just wants to be held.”  He said loudly.  He let go of her hair and stepped back, moving his hand to rub soothing circles into Tony’s back.  He was angry, his body shaking with energy and he didn’t know whether to run or attack.  Instead he turned around to look at the room.  They had been keeping Tony in the lab, with all of their vials and machines, the scalpels and needles and various other tools made to hurt and change and defile.  He pointed at one of the machines that Tony had been attached to.  “What does this do?”

The woman looked at him, her eyes wide as she looked between him, the door, and the machine.  She wouldn’t run, she would have to pull her hand free and she was scared of pain.  He could see it in her eyes, she didn’t want to be hurt.  A strange trait for someone so dedicated to torturing others.  That’s what these people did, every single day.

“It monitors heartrate.  We’ve been having issues with his heart, so far none of it seems fatal but it is causing issues with his oxygen levels.”  She said quickly when he took a step closer to her.  “Okay, I’m not in charge of his care!”

It didn’t matter.  She was here, she didn’t want to get hurt, and she knew the answers.  Tony seemed alright, calm and placated by being held close and comforted.  There were too many machines, too many tools, Tony had been left alone with these people and they could have done who knows what.

“And that one?”  He asks, pointing to another machine.

The woman nodded quickly.  “It feeds him liquid nutrients.”

Before he got the chance to ask why they had to give Tony liquid nutrients, probably from the tube he had pulled from his nose, instead of just giving him a bottle the door opened and dozens of guns were aimed at him.  He pulled the baby close, turning his body to shield him from the weapons.  It was pointless, his body wouldn’t stop a shower of bullets.

“Stand down, soldier.”

His body tensed as he looked away.  It wasn’t smart to put his back to the enemy, but he wanted nothing to do with Lukin.  He didn’t want to look at him and he definitely didn’t want that man looking at his baby.

“Don’t call me that.”  He said quickly.  “I’m not that anymore.  I’m not.”

“You’re not the soldier?  Then what are you?”  Lukin asked.  He sounded calm, he always sounded calm when he destroyed everything.  “You are nothing.  Hand over the child.”

“No.”  He said.  “You won’t… hold him.  He likes to be held.”

No one moved, not from what he could hear.  He just looked down at Tony as he carefully cradled the baby in his arms.  He had certainly grown in the time he’s been alive.  Still far too small, but bigger than the little bundle he had been in the beginning.  He was perfect.

He would kill them, each and everyone one of them if it stopped them from taking Tony back.  They would just hurt him, they already have.  They turned him into just another experiment, connecting him to their machines and getting angry when he called out.  He wouldn’t let them do that to him.  He wouldn’t let them ruin his baby.  He reached over and grabbed the knife still sticking out of the woman’s wrist.

“No!  Wait!”  She said loudly before he yanked it out.  He didn’t have much time, he tucked the baby close to him and rolled out of the way.  He didn’t feel bad about the death of the doctor, she was one of them.  The cold masked people that kept popping into his head with the dozens of memories.  She was shot and killed almost instantly, Tony was safe in his arms.

The odds didn’t look good.  He had one arm holding a child which meant he had to fight off a dozen armed guards with one hand.  It wasn’t impossible, he was still in his armored uniform from the abandoned mission, but there was only so much that could do.  He had to think of something.  He had to get Tony out of here and run far away until they were both safe.

“Sputnik!”  Lukin called out, his voice breaking through all other noise.

He went still, his whole body going slack and his mind slowing down.  He couldn’t move.  The gunfire had stopped, all the guards were walking up to him now without fear.  No, this wasn’t good.  They needed to get away, they needed to run.  One of the guards walked up and took Tony, now screaming loudly and wiggling, from his arms and started to move away from his field of vision.  He wanted to turn his head to see him, to get up and go after him, but he hadn’t been given permission to move.  Without that, he couldn’t do a thing.

A hand landed on his shoulder and another cupped his chin, carefully lifting his head up so that he had to look Lukin in the eyes.  “Look at you, you’re pathetic.  Can’t even pull yourself together enough to save a single child.”  Lukin said coldly.  “You’re a soldier, that’s all you are.  You kill, you don’t protect.”

He wanted to fight, he wanted to scream and kick and attack each and every person there until he could get Tony back and take him somewhere safe, somewhere far away.  He could still hear Tony, he was still in the room and crying loudly.  They didn’t know how to take care of him.  They didn’t know how to make his bottles, or how to hold him.  They didn’t know how to keep him warm and quiet and happy.

“We thought having the child here would make you more willing to cooperate, reduce the need to wipe you as often.  Clearly we were mistake.”  Lukin said as he stood up and turned to face someone on the other side of the room.  “Ready transportation.  The child cannot stay here any longer.  Take him to Zola.”

He whimpered at the thought of Zola, of Tony being with what was left of that man and the cruel people under his command.  He was good at one thing and that was turning good people into tools and weapons.  He would do the same to Tony and that thought broke something inside of him.  It wasn’t enough to get his body moving, to get Tony back as save him.  He could just feel it crumbling away and dying.

There were footsteps, a door opened and then closed, and he couldn’t hear the crying any longer.  He had been so close to getting Tony back, but he failed.

Lukin turned back to him, still sitting at his spot on the ground.  “Pierce will not be pleased.”  He said, before he began to walk away.  “I want him wiped by sundown.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so many comments last chapter and they were all basically shouts of displeasure and pain and I appreciate every single comment. Thank you.

The soldier was cold, the after effects of the cryo chamber still sitting deep in his bones.  He wasn’t quite sure what had happened, just that he had been ordered not to move while the technicians look him over.  One of the doctors came forward to shine a light in his eyes, looking them over as he held them open with his firm fingers.   They kept touching him, looking him over as his body adjusted to life awake after who knew how long in a frozen chamber.

There were guards, several of them just floating around the edge of the room.  They were standing at attention, their weapons in hand and prepared in case they needed to put him down.  The soldier didn’t move.  He didn’t do anything.  He just had to wait for orders.

“There’s a woman.   She has been causing us quite a bit of trouble for some time.”  His handler said.  Everything about him was familiar, the way he walked, the tone in his voice, even the strong jawline and sandy hair.  So familiar but the sight of him made his stomach curl.

He stood in front of the soldier as he explained the mission, kill the woman, do not raise suspicion, do not draw attention.  There was an endless list of things he could and could not do while out on his mission.  He recited it all in his head effortlessly, knowledge of those rules as natural to him as breathing.  He knew what he was supposed to do.

They were slowly prepping him to kill this woman, the soldier didn’t even pay attention when they mentioned her name.  It didn’t matter.  The mission was the important thing.  His escorts were already prepared, fully armed and watching him carefully as they got him ready.  There was a dull ache in the back of his head that wouldn’t go away and a chill still running through his body, but he was deemed healthy enough for the mission by the doctors that had stopped examining him.

It was too quiet.  His handlers and his escorts all discussed his mission, but overall there was a sense of silence in the room.  They discussed the plan as people started attaching the weapons to his uniform, the buckles were tightened, the ammo stored away in the separate pouches, and he was soon ready for his mission.  It was unnecessary, he didn’t need so many weapons to kill a single woman, especially when they wanted him to do a long-distance shot to avoid detection.

“You are to not go to the New Jersey base.”  His handler said.  He knew his name, the soldier could have sworn all the answers were lurking around in his head but were locked away somewhere and guarded by the throbbing pain in his temples.  The soldier did not know why it this information was important, but at least he now knew it.  “Usually on missions requiring you to travel we would have you stationed at the nearest base, but the closest one to your target is the New Jersey base.  Under no circumstances are you allowed to go there.”

It was not his place to question it.  If they had him sleeping in the van while his escorts did recon then that was part of the mission.  He didn’t know what was in the New Jersey base, it didn’t matter.

He climbed into the waiting van with his escort team as they headed out.  The soldier did not know if the mission was time sensitive or not, he did not know if he was going to be out there for a few days or a few weeks, but he didn’t understand why it was necessary to tell him that he was forbidden to go to the base in New Jersey.  Perhaps they were hiding something, or it was just too far out of their way.  It wasn’t his place to ask, the soldier just sat down quietly and waited as they drove out of the building and towards the mission.

The ride was smooth.  It was late, the only visible light came from the dozens of street lamps they drove past.  No one else was around, no traffic and no pedestrians.  One of his escorts was sitting across from him, their hands fidgeting over their weapons as they watched the soldier carefully.

The soldier didn’t know if he was permitted to ask questions.  There was still a throbbing in his head and the thought of speaking seemed to make it ache worse.  The whole world still felt fuzzy, he knew what his mission was and how to complete it, he knew who his handlers were and whose orders to listen to, but it all felt faded and distant.  He shook his head, the man in front of him tightening his hold on his weapon, and tried to forget about everything going through his head.  There was nothing there, he was empty, a weapon.

There was something wrong.  He was certain of that.

“What’s her name?”  The soldier asked.  “My mission.”

He didn’t know what her name was.  He could have sworn that his handler had told him, but he didn’t know the name.  He didn’t know any name.  Suddenly it became the most important thing in the world, he had to know his mission’s name.  Why did this woman deserve death?

Something was missing.  Someone wasn’t there that should be.  It was hard to understand because as far as the soldier knew, this was it.  This was his life and he didn’t know what was so wrong with it now.  There was just something.

“Director Carter.”  The one driving said.

The soldier frowned.  He did not know if he knew a ‘Director Carter’.

“No, there’s someone else.”  He said slowly.

All of the guards in the van with him shared a look, the driver glancing in the rearview mirror.  They were nervous, fidgety.  The soldier’s body tensed, his own hand itching for a knife as the man across from him opened one of the supply boxes.  There was someone else, he remembered there was someone, but he couldn’t quite figure out who.  They were important, they were a mission, but it wasn’t Director Carter.

“I have to kill them.”  The soldier said.  That was what he did, he killed people. That was all he was supposed to do, but someone was alive who shouldn’t be.

“I’m gonna cuff him.”  The man across from him said.  He pulled out a large, thick pair of cuffs from the supply box and looked over to the soldier.  “You read the report, he’s unstable.  At least until we’re in position I want him cuffed.”

The man in the passenger seat turned, weapon ready and in hand as the cuffs came closer.  The soldier waited, not moving a muscle.  He tried to remember, he had to complete his mission.  He didn’t notice the metal wrapping around his wrists securely, or the man returning to his seat across from him, or how his bound hands shifted slightly towards a weapon.  He had to get away, he had to find his mission.  They were there, thinly veiled inside his head but he couldn’t find them.

His whole body hurt, the seam of his shoulder where metal met skin felt like it was burning.  It wasn’t supposed to be there.  It wasn’t supposed to dig into his body and feel like fire against his flesh.  The arm burned while the rest of his body felt ice cold, frozen wall wrapping around him and locking him away.  Too many feelings were taking over now, the soldier couldn’t fight them off.  There was an incomplete mission.  Someone he should have killed.

Zola, they were with Zola.  He remembered that because the last time he tried to get to them they had invaded his mind, a single word breaking into him and shutting him down.  He couldn’t let that happen again, he couldn’t let them stop him from getting to the mission.  Little things were slipping through, just enough information to know what he had to do.  More would be revealed if he could just get away, but right now this little thing would be enough.

He can’t recall a time he ever tried to kill his escorts.  There had to be some, but none came to mind, his memories not reaching back far enough to know for certain if the people sent to watch over him had ever died by his hand.  The soldier was good at killing people.  He wouldn’t be surprised if he killed his escort team.  He wanted to kill these ones now.

He had to think.  These men were obstacles, stopping him from completing a mission.  He could kill them easily.  He had to figure out why this mission was left incomplete, why he knew they were there without actually remembering them.  He would figure out why his body felt wrong, why his mind felt foggy, and why he had to kill his escorts.  There were too many questions in his head and not enough answers, but he had to get away.

“He’s mine.”  The soldier said softly.  He didn’t know why he said it.  His mind and body were working on separate frequencies and too few bits of information passed through the barriers of his memory, but as long as he found who he was looking for it would be alright.  Nothing else mattered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter doesn't make a lot of sense but that's okay because for him right now nothing makes sense. Don't worry, I know you guys are waiting and it's coming very soon.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise Chapter!! That was fast but mostly because I'm trying to put off writing my essay. Here you go.

The soldier was covered in blood.  He didn’t quite know what had happened, all the events were blending together in his head and he was sure he had run away but he couldn’t tell if he stabbed them or crashed the van first.  Or at all.

He wasn’t even sure how long he had been walking for, if it had been a few minutes or a few days.  He was almost afraid that if he turned around he would still see the burning wreckage behind him.  Just a display for the men he had killed and the mission he had just abandoned.  He couldn’t do it, not yet.  There was someone else.

Everything hurt, there was a throbbing in his head that would not die down and an ice cold chill that burned along his skin.  He wanted to hide away, find a deep dark hole where no one would find him or touch him or hurt him ever again.  His hands were trembling.  There was something going on with him and he couldn’t figure it out.  He felt like he was falling apart, like something was tearing through his skin to break free, and he didn’t know how to stop it.

He should go back.  His handlers would fix this, they would make him right again.  They could make the pain stop and they could get his mind working right again.  He needed to think.  His mind wasn’t working the way it was supposed to, he didn’t know what he was doing or what had happened.  Did he kill his escorts with a knife or did he crash the van?  Are they actually dead?

He needed to hide, he could already hear the sirens in the distance coming closer and closer to the billow of smoke that was their destroyed van.  He turned off the road, heading east.  He had to find his mission, the one that should be dead but wasn’t.  He had to kill them, things would be better if they were dead.

Time kept escaping him.  Months or minutes, weeks or seconds, he didn’t know which was which.  How long had he been awake?  How long had he been alive?  He wasn’t sure how long it took him to walk to the nearest town, but it felt like no time at all.  The whole time he had spent travelling had turned into nothing and he was here.  It wasn’t right, there was something wrong in his head and he didn’t know what it was.

He found a narrow alleyway to hide in and pressed himself as close to the wall as he could, safely hidden in the shadows.  His body was shaking as he tried to bury his face in his hands.  The blood had dried and stained his hands and arms, it burned and itched and he wanted to just wash it all away.  He wanted to be rid of it.  He killed them, he had to have killed them for there to be so much blood.  There were three escorts for this mission, two in the front of the van and one in the back with him.  They had been nervous, the soldier didn’t know what there was to be afraid of, it was just a mission. 

It didn’t occur to him until he snuck out of his safe corner in that alley to wash off the blood in a gas station restroom that they must have been afraid of him.

He had to think of something, he couldn’t stay hidden away forever in a random dark shadow in an alley no matter how much the idea appealed to him.  The soldier was nothing, he should be allowed to disappear.  Either he does that or go back and let his handlers fix whatever was wrong with him.

The soldier found himself walking again.  East still, he had to go east.  There was a woman in Washington DC he had to kill and a base in New Jersey he was forbidden to go to.  If he killed the woman he could go back and they would fix him.  If he killed the woman the mission would be done and they would let him sleep.  He just wanted everything to stop.  He was feeling too much.

He could steal a car, he would definitely get there faster.  Something small, neutral colors and an inexpensive model.  It would be reported stolen but it wouldn’t stand out as he left.  There were plenty to choose from, no one in the area of town he was hiding in decided to go overboard with their vehicles.  They were all perfect, average looking cars.  He didn’t need anything fast, just something to get him away from here.

Something was definitely going wrong in his head.  He didn’t know how long he had been driving, couldn’t remember the color or model of the vehicle he had taken, couldn’t get his mind to focus as he went in a specific direction, turning when he needed to turn and stopping when he needed to stop.  His body seemed to know where to go, but the soldier hadn’t the slightest idea.  He still had his weapons, all of them secured to his uniform, so wherever he ended up going he would be prepared.  He had to do something, someone was supposed to be dead.  That was his purpose, he had to kill people.

“What am I doing?”  The soldier whispered softly.  His mind was going blank, nothing but dark spaces where memories should be as he tried to think back on when exactly he had crossed the state lines or why his body relaxed more and more the closer they got.  “I don’t…”

He gripped the steering wheel tighter and kept going and until he stopped just a few miles from his destination.  He wasn’t sure how he got there, his mind had stopped as he just kept driving until he safely arrived in New Jersey.  He was in there.  Zola was in there.  The soldier could see him whenever he closed his eyes.  A face hovering over him, a voice whispering into his head as they carved into him and ignored his calls for mercy.  The solder didn’t remember much, but he remembered Zola.

“Turn back.”  The soldier said as he looked down at the fence that surrounded the abandoned military camp.  “Whoever is in there isn’t worth this.”

He didn’t move.  His body still hurt, waves of pain pulsing through his head every few minutes and his left arm felt like it was too tight and clamped too hard around his shoulder, the metal edges digging too far into the skin.  He didn’t know what was happening and he didn’t have time to think about it.

There was a shaft on the far north side of the facility, there was always one that led to the medical and lab areas. It was always important for them to get fresh air.  If he entered from there he would have to be careful not to be noticed by the sensors and filters stopping contaminates from getting in, but he would also have more maneuverability than if he took the air vents near the elevators, although those led to the entire facility he just had to make it to the medical wing.

This was good, he was slowly forming a plan.  He couldn’t let himself be captured in Zola’s facility, not before he can get to his target.  He didn’t even know who he was looking for, but he had to find it.  The need to find this person pulsed through him.

He would have to avoid detection.  He could hide in the air shaft until it was clear, or if there were just a few people around they could be handled without raising alarm.  He just had to get to the target and then get out.  They had to be in the medical wing, they just had to be.  The soldier had stopped questioning the bits of information his mind supplied him, there had to be a reason but he didn’t have the time to figure out what it was.

He had a plan.  The soldier climbed out of the car and walked the rest of the way, staying in the more dimly lit areas in case of cameras or patrols on watch.  He couldn’t be seen, these people knew exactly what to say to get into his head and stop him.  He had to be careful.

Once he made it to the air shaft he lifted off the grating and gently placed it aside, slipping in easily. He kept himself braced against the wall to stop himself from sliding all the way down.  It was slow going, the soldier took care in placing his hands and feet, moved only a few inches at a time, but he was safe.  The sensors wouldn’t be easy to avoid, little lights were flashing on the side taking measurements every few seconds to test air quality.  It would sense a shift in heat, slightly higher levels of carbon dioxide, but if he got past quickly enough they wouldn’t alert anyone.  He watched them, counting each flash to see how long there was between measurements. When he had an opening, he let go and dropped past them, slipping by between the sensors when they weren’t processing the air, and then shot out his arms and legs to halt his fall.

It was silent, no sounds of alarms or warnings.  Just the sounds of his heavy breathing and the rapid pounding of his heart.

Once he made it to the vents that led into the labs and medical rooms he stopped to peer inside.  There were a few of them, hovering over their files and machines, but the soldier didn’t see the person he was here for.  He didn’t even know who he was looking for but he had come this far on instincts alone so he was hoping they would take him the rest of the way.

The next room was the same, a small and empty lab with nothing but sharp tools and frightening equipment.  The room after that, however, was almost completely bare.  It was the last room before they left the labs and entered the medical area.  There were no pictures, no files or cabinets, just a clear box surrounded by a few machines.  They were all pressed against the wall with numerous wires and chords attached to a small lump inside the box. The soldier climbed out and took a step closer to it.

There he was, sleeping inside the box with a wire up his nose and another hooked into the inside of his arm.  The soldier recognized the dark fluff of hair, the mother’s cheekbones, and the faded scar on his neck.  This was the boy, the child he came here for.  The soldier almost collapsed in relief, if not for how very wrong the situation seemed.  This wasn’t the same child as he had been when he last saw him, even though he couldn’t remember how he was supposed to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have finally gotten to the happy reunion. >.> Or have we? >.>  
> Something is wrong, a lot of things are wrong actually. Hopefully he can figure out what's going on with him and get Tony away as well. I guess we'll see.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no self control and got re-sucked into this story I'm writing so here's another chapter because I'm writing non-stop

“Behave.”  The soldier said.  He didn’t know why he kept saying it, the toddler on his hip hadn’t made a sound since he had taken him.  He couldn’t quite recall exactly how they got away, it would have been difficult to carry a sleeping child up through the air shaft.  As long as his instincts knew where to take him, the soldier could let his mind drift off.  “Be quiet.  We must be quiet.”

It was still late, everyone in the town asleep and in their homes.  The soldier had been careful to get the child out as quickly as possible, any delay would have risked detection.  It was worrying, how easy it was to get out without trouble.  He had been trained to be able to sneak in and out of secure buildings to get to a target, but for some reason this situation didn’t feel right.  His body was tense as he made his way through the empty streets, the plan had been to abandon their vehicle in the nearest town and find another one.

The soldier didn’t know where they would go, what they would do.  The child wasn’t speaking, still sound asleep as he carried him away and he told him over and over again to be silent.  He didn’t move either, besides curling his hands into his own shirt and leaning slightly into the soldier’s chest he was far too still.  There was something wrong, but they didn’t have time to worry about what it might be.

He found a car quickly enough.  It was a cheap looking vehicle, at least a few years old based on the look of it and painted a dull beige color.  It would pass through someone’s attention as if it wasn’t even there.  He opened the door and placed the child in the back seat.

“Stay.”  The soldier said as he closed the back door and took his spot behind the steering wheel.  They had to get away, far away from this place as quickly as possible before they noticed that the child was missing.  He would be killed for this, he had been forbidden to go near the New Jersey facility, but he had gone and stolen a child.

The car was simple to start, just a few crossed wires and it roared to life.  The soldier picked the direction opposite of the one they were leaving and kept going.  The more distance between them and Zola’s base the better.  It was had been a miracle the soldier hadn’t seen him while he was there, he wasn’t sure he would survive it if he had.  His shoulder ached at just the thought of the man, with the memories of saws and machines the soldier couldn’t identify.  He was a bad man, the child would have been better off dead than with him.

Perhaps that was why he needed to get the child.  He had been a mission, hadn’t he?  Why else would he know him, go so far just to get him if not to finish something he had failed to do?  It would certainly be better than whatever they were doing to him there.  No one could hurt the child then, this had to be why he had been so determined to go get him.  Then he could go back to his handlers, fall to his knees to accept any punishment they might give him, and then they would let him sleep.  No more pain, the pounding in his head would stop, the cold gripping his bones would disappear, and the burning feeling across his skin would vanish.  If he was in the chamber then the whole world stopped for him until he was ready to be used again.

That was all there was in his world, that was all he was meant to do.  Now he just had to dispose of the child.   Perhaps if he found that woman in DC they would be quicker to forgive him.  He would have come back with a completed mission.  It would be alright.

The soldier had lost time again.  He didn’t know how long he had been driving for, but the sun had started rising and a quick glance in the rearview mirror showed the child awake.  He continued looking back at him, glancing to the mirror as he continued driving.  The child was staring out the window, wide eyes looking out at the world as they drove past with his lips moving slight but not a single sound coming out.  The soldier slowed down the car, watching carefully both the road and the awe stuck look on the child as he looked out the window.  Suddenly, the child looked up at him, his eyes widening as if he had just been caught doing some unholy crime and pressed his mouth closed.

The child fixed himself so that he was sitting correctly against the seat, his back straight and his hands in his lap. It was unnerving.  Not the behavior, the soldier had seen this sort of training in other agents, taught to be still as they wait for orders.  The silence was what bothered him.  The child hadn’t made a single sound, not a whisper or a hum.  Not even a soft sigh.  The boy was completely silent as he waited.

“How old are you?”  The soldier asked.  The child looked fairly young. He was small, all slender limbs and seemed barely two and a half feet tall.  He seemed far too small, too thin, but the soldier couldn’t guess his age.

The child didn’t answer, instead pressed his lips tighter together and waited.  The soldier frowned but decided to ignore it for now.  His main priority was getting as far away as possible.  They wouldn’t be safe as long as they were anywhere near a Hydra facility.  All thoughts of killing the child were forced out of his mind, it was something he knew he couldn’t do.

They didn’t stop until they had passed the state lines and then traded cars again.  With the new vehicle he changed their path north, he could only go west for so long until they reached the end.  To the north was Canada, it would be easier to hide if they weren’t so close to the numerous Hydra stations hidden across the United States.  From there they could disappear, perhaps find safe passage off the content to somewhere far away enough to not have to worry about capture.  It was an impossible dream.  They would find them and if they were lucky they would be killed before they could be taken away again.

No one seemed to be following them yet, but it wouldn’t be long now.  Surely they have noticed that the soldier had abandoned his mission and that the child was missing.  It was only a matter of time now.

The child had gone back to looking out the window.  Perhaps this was his first time seeing the world.  The soldier was only ever allowed out when he was useful and if there was no reason for the child to be outside then he would have stayed locked away.  It sounded like one of Zola’s plans, the man was good at turning people into tools.  If Tony had never been outside he would never know there was a world he could run away to.

He glanced in the mirror again, the child's mouth continued to move in a show of talking to himself.  No words came out, not even a sound.  Whatever he was saying was completely lost, his head was turned to the side so the soldier couldn’t get a clear view of his lips to read them.

Once the day was over and they had driven as far as they could he pulled the car over on a side street set apart from the main highways.  The doors were locked as he reclined his seat slightly, no one would find them here, no one would break in and get them.  The child moved for the first time, scurrying away from his own seat to press himself into the other corner of the car, as far from the soldier as he could get without leaving.

The soldier noticed the tears dripping down the child’s cheeks.  Once again there hadn’t been a single sound.  “What’s wrong?”  The soldier asked.  The child was most likely frightened, his normal routines abandoned as some stranger takes him through a place he didn’t know existed.

The child tried to turn away from him, his little arms wrapping around his middle and his knees pulled up to his chest.  He held himself, rocking slightly back and forth and stared at the soldier.  His mouth was still pressed together tightly and his lips quivered, but he made no further movements, and still no sound.

“You’re hungry.”  The soldier said.  The child was holding his stomach in pain.  He hadn’t eaten all day, of course he would be hungry.  He reached into one of the pouches of his belt and pulled out a small ration pack, holding it out for the child.  “Eat.  Next time let me know if you are hungry.  You’re supposed to cry.”

The child reached out slowly and took the meal pack.  The food inside of it probably wasn’t good, but it was still a meal.  The soldier watched as he slowly opened the package and looked at the bits of food inside, the child’s eyebrows coming together with a frown.  He made no move to eat it, just watched it carefully and waited as if he were expecting it to do something.

“Eat.”  The soldier said again.  Still the child made no move to eat it.  He reached out, sitting up slightly, and took the package from the child’s hands.  He ignored the way he flinched away and gripped his shirt to hide his hands away and instead grabbed a bit of food from package and held it out to the child.  “Eat.  Go on, open your mouth.”

The child didn’t eat, it was as if the soldiers attempt to help only terrified him more.  Tony leaned away, his eyes widening as his lips pressed together even tighter.  He looked like he wanted to press himself into the car seat until he disappeared.

“I will not hurt you.”  The soldier said, holding the food out to him still.  “Open your mouth.”

The child did respond to that, just a silent shaking of his head as he pulled his shirt up to hide into.  With his face hidden he kept one arm around his stomach as he continued his gentle rocking back and forth.  The soldier sighed, he could force the child to eat.  Just open his mouth and force the food into it, holding his mouth shut until he swallowed, but that idea made the cold feeling in his stomach clench tightly around him and it was a feeling he didn’t like.

So he left the package open in front of the child, if he was really hungry he would eat.  For now, the soldier needed his rest so they could continue on their journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go. They're together again, but Bucky's not doing to well and Tony's a bit older than he was last time. Both of them are confused and scared and hopefully they can make it. Let me know what you think.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am garbage and have another chapter. Someone make me stop these constant updates. I'm just so motivated for this story right now it's really weird. Hopefully I can keep this up.

Once the adrenaline and fear of being captured had died down and they eventually found a safe place to sneak across the border into Canada, the child had gone back to sleep.  The soldier noticed things now, his mind was no longer constantly occupied with the need to run away and disappear.  One thing was the bruises that circled around his small wrists and along his jaw.  Some of them were fresh, others were old and fading.  They were not gentle with the child.

Another thing the soldier noticed was that he didn’t eat the ration he had given, the food instead smashed up and dropped on the ground or squished together like clay in several odd shapes.  He hadn’t eaten a single thing, when he woke up again he would be starving.  The soldier was expecting, almost hoping, for crying and screaming and noise.  The child should have been louder than he was.

The last thing he noticed was that while the child was asleep he was uncomfortable, nervous almost as he silently listened to each breath the boy took.  The tension rose with every pause until the soldier found himself looking in the mirror to the child more often than at the road.

He reached into the backseat where the child was curled up tightly and sleeping.  “Wake up.” The soldier said, placing his hand on the child’s chest and shaking him slightly.  “It’s time to wake up.  You have slept enough.”

That was when he heard the first sound from the child, a combination of a hum and a groan as his face scrunched up in annoyance and he started rubbing his eyes.  It was so soft the soldier almost didn’t hear it, but it was there.  The child lifted his head into the air and looked at him, his eyes still drooping with the desire to sleep.

“You need to be awake.”  The soldier said.  “I can’t think while you sleep.  I need to think.  Something is wrong.”

A lot of things were wrong, the soldier just couldn’t fit his mind around any of it.  Everything was fine.  Tony was alright, he was alive and breathing and not crying or screaming but now staring out the window and clutching stomach.  The child buried his face into his knees and the soldier saw just a flash of a deep frown and watery eyes.  They had to find something for him to eat soon.

It was the middle of the day, they would continue driving for now and once it got dark and the stores closed they could stock up on supplies.  They just had to wait, until then the child would just have to be patient.  The soldier didn’t like it.  The child was still small and he needed to eat.  If they were going to successfully avoid capture than both of them being healthy was mandatory.

“Here.”  The soldier said, clipping his canteen off of his belt and handing it to the child.  “Drink.”

He watched in the mirror to see what would happen.  The child refused to eat, but he had to at least drink water.  If he wouldn’t then he wouldn’t know what to do, he couldn’t keep a child alive if it refused to eat or drink anything.  Fortunately, the child just glanced up at the soldier for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he looked at him, and then unscrewed the cap.

He tipped his head back and drank from the canteen until all the water was gone.  So he would drink, but refused to eat. The soldier could work with this.  If the child continued to refuse to eat then they could stop by a store and grab all sorts of drinks to keep the child healthy and his energy and weight up.  Right now, the child needed more than just water.

There were a few stray dollars in the glove compartment and in the car’s coin holder.  Probably enough to buy a something more substantial to drink if he could find a store somewhere.  Convenient stores and gas stations often had snacks and drinks ready for purchase, the soldier simply had to find one.  Tony had gone back to staring out the window, watching everything that passed by with a look of confusion and amazement that didn’t seem to die down.  At least if they were captured, he was allowed outside for this short time.

“Too quiet.”  The soldier said slowly.  “You need to be louder.”

He wasn’t sure why it bothered him.  It was peaceful, the child didn’t scream or cry or even talk.  It was a nice, still quiet.  But it was wrong, this child shouldn’t be so quiet.  He had no memories of this child, but he knew him.  He knew how he looked, how he was supposed to act, and everything seemed wrong.

“Do you speak?”  He asked.  The child didn’t move, he simply glanced over to him briefly before turning back to the window.  “Are you allowed to speak?”

The child looked back at him, shifting to sit straight in his seat with his back straight and facing forward.  He was the perfect image of a well-disciplined child, quiet and respectful as he sat without even fidgeting.  The soldier hated it.  There was a short pause before the child shook his head from side to side, not looking at the soldier as he did. Perhaps this was him answering, if he wouldn’t speak then maybe at least he could understand.

“We’re not with those people anymore.”  The soldier said.  He tried to find the right words.  He didn’t want to say something along the lines of ‘we’re never going back’ or ‘they won’t find us’ because it didn’t feel true.  If he said something like that it almost felt like a confirmation that they would be found, he couldn’t promise Tony something like that and then fail.  “As long as you’re with me, you’re allowed to talk.”

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, the child to magically start speaking, for this all to seem alright and a sense of safety to come forth, anything really.  Nothing happened.  The child simply turned back to the window and started tracing his finger over the window.

That was alright, the child liked looking outside.  If he wanted to do that all day then the soldier would let him.

After driving for a while they found a gas station.  He didn’t have much money, enough for a few gallons of gas and a decent sized bottle of some brand of fruit smoothie.  He could have gotten more gas, gone farther, but the child needed nutrition.  Besides, they would have to trade cars soon anyway.  There was a large empty field near the gas station, nothing but tall grass and a few scattered bushes.  It was a nice place, they could stop here for a little while.

He opened the back door of the car and reached in to get the child.  Tony scurried away, flinching away from his hands as if they were going to strike him.  Once he had gotten away, however, he only seemed more afraid.  Pressed against the far side of the car, he held his hands close to his chest and pulled his knees up close to him.  The next time the soldier reached for him, the child kicked him.

“I’m not going to hurt you, I just want you to see it.”  The soldier said quickly.  The child’s eyes were wide with fear, his body shaking as he tried to get as far away from the soldier as he could.  His head was ducked down, not daring to look at him.  He almost looked ashamed.  “Why are you always so difficult?  I will not hurt you.  Tony, just come here an-“

He stopped, the words dying in his mouth.  His head hurt, a constant throbbing that now seemed like too much.  He took a step back and turned around, walking up to the field and leaving the door open.  If he wanted to then the child would follow.  Tony.  It had been almost natural.  Has he called him that before without realizing it?  Had the word been lurking around in his head until he finally said it?  Why?  Why would he know this child’s name if he couldn’t even remember if he had seen him before?

He sat down on the edge of the grass, watching the clouds drift over the sky and the wind blow through the grass and the leaves of the far off trees.  They would have to leave soon.  Hydra would be following, they couldn’t stay for too long.  It wouldn’t be safe for them to stay.

The soldier turned slightly to look behind him.  The child had gotten out of the car and was now sitting in the dirt right next to it, not even letting go of the door as he waited.  He smiled to himself, watching as Tony looked up at the sky and in every direction he could, still holding onto the car.  The soldier wondered if this was it, the first time he had been outside.  It wouldn’t have been surprising if it were true.  Best not to think too hard on all the bad things that might have happened, it wouldn’t change a thing.

“It’s time to go now.”  The soldier said, standing up and walking back to the car.  Tony looked up at him, watching him carefully as he tensed and waited.  He didn’t try to get away this time, but his grip on the car door tightened and his mouth pressed together once again in a thin line.  The soldier didn’t like this either.  He wasn’t sure what he hated more, the child scurrying away from him in fear or being completely still as he awaited punishment.  He didn’t know why he ran one moment and didn’t the next, the soldier didn’t know what the child was thinking.  It didn’t matter, not anymore.

He crouched down slowly and held out the bottled smoothie, waiting as Tony looked it over and eventually took it.  He still didn’t move, just continued to wait for something.

“It’s time to go.”  The soldier said again as he walked around to his side of the car and climbed in behind the steering wheel.  He started the car and watched in the rearview mirror as Tony climbed into the seat and tried to pull the car door closed behind him, but failed.  The soldier watched as he tried, his small arm not doing a thing to close the door.  He only watched for a moment before getting out to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed yet another update because I can't stop right now. I'm just so excited to share this with you and you're all my friends now so feel free to tell me what you think.


	14. Chapter 14

Tony was almost old enough to drink without assistance.  He would open a bottle of juice or milk that the soldier had gotten for him and could drink most of it just fine, but there was always spills running down his face and shirt.  He became a sticky mess, it was uncomfortable looking and Tony didn’t seem happy in the slightest.

“Be still.”  The soldier said.  They had a few hours before the store would open again, that was plenty of time to wash up and get what they needed, but he still wanted to be in and out as soon as possible.  Tony was being difficult, wiggling out of his grasp as he tried to get his sticky and ruined clothes off of him and set him on the counter to wash in the sink.  “Stop it.”

Tony didn’t listen, he just kept trying to get out of the soldiers hold.  He was making noise now, loud whines that quickly turned into cries as he tried desperately to get the soldier to let go of him.  It wasn’t worth the fight. 

“You’re filthy.  You’ll get sick if you are not clean.”  The soldier said calmly.  He managed to get Tony out of his stained shirt and kept a hold on his arm as he tried to pick him up.  “This will only take a moment.”

Tony’s face was covered in dried juice, the different colors sticking to his skin and once they washed it off the child would be more comfortable.  If only he would stop wiggling.  “I will not hurt you.”  The soldier said, again and again in hopes that Tony would finally listen and relax.  He didn’t, he just kept trying to tug away, almost screaming when he tried to pick the child up.  It was a close thing, to hear Tony’s cries and shouts, but he still stayed mostly silent besides soft whines and grunts as he tried to get away.

Trying to get Tony clean would have done nothing but make the child more scared of him.  He set the child back down and frowned as he scurried to the other end of the bathroom.  This wasn’t good, the child was clearly terrified.  Tony sat down on the cold tile floor of the restroom and pulled his knees up to his chest, tears streaming down his face as he stared at the soldier.

“Fine.  But you’re filthy.”  The soldier said.  He stepped out of the bathroom and looked out over the empty, quiet store.  He grabbed the nearest box he could find and set it down in front of the sink.  Tony was small, he wouldn’t be able to reach the faucet on his own.  “If you won’t let me wash you, then do it yourself.  I will go pack supplies.  Don’t go anywhere.”

He took a deep breath and left Tony alone in the bathroom.  He wouldn’t run away.  Tony had had a dozen chances to run off, especially whenever they stopped to rest.  Either he would use the box to reach the sink and clean himself up or he would stay crouched down against the wall and wait.  Either way, they needed supplies.

The soldier did not want to leave Tony alone.  In the bathroom, he could not hear or see his child.  Anything could happen to him if they were separated.  They could be attacked, the child could fall and hurt himself, he could wander off and get lost.  The soldier did not want to leave the child alone.  But they had to leave as soon as possible with enough supplies to get them west.

He grabbed the backpacks first, two of them.  A large one for him and a smaller one for Tony, they would keep their emergency supplies in these in case they had to run immediately and leave everything else behind.  Non-perishable food, a change of clothes, blankets, spare money.  They needed a lot of emergency provisions for just in case.  Just the few and barest essentials for survival if they have to run off.  The larger things they would leave behind if they had to make a quick get away.  Nothing too large, just the non-essentials.  Tony needed a seat, something to put in the car so the seatbelt could fit him easier.  He would need the special cups they made for toddlers to reduce spills.  They definitely needed to find something for the child to eat.  If he had to survive off of juice and smoothies for a while, he would prefer he could get both the nutrients and the calories he needed.  The child would have to stay warm, clean, and fed if he was going to remain healthy.

He packed everything he could, filling up the backpacks with the essentials and then everything else in a small pile by the front door.  The soldier liked these large stores, the ones that sold everything he could possibly need.  It reduced the need to stop more than once.  They had to leave soon, they had already stayed too long.  He double checked the supplies, made sure he had everything he needed, and went to go collect Tony from the bathroom.

The child was still there, standing on the little box like a stepstool and splashing his hands in the sink.  He was clean, his face cleared of all the sticky grime and he was mouthing something, his lips moving quickly as he didn’t utter a sound, as he ran his hands through the water and clapped at the buildup in the sink.  The soldier glanced into the mirror, catching a clear view of Tony’s face and looked at his lips.  The soldier was good at this, had trained in this.  If he ever needed to know what a target was saying from a distance, he was prepared.  But Tony wasn’t saying anything.  Not even when James read his lips did it turn into anything that made sense.  It was all gibberish and nonsense.  Tony wasn’t mouthing words he wanted to say, he seemed to just be mimicking the act of speaking.

When Tony finally caught sight of the soldier watching him through the mirror, he froze.  His whole body went still and his eyes widened as if he had been caught doing something horrible.  After a brief moment of nothing, the child looked down and stepped off of the box, turning and heading for his discarded shirt on the ground.  The soldier stepped forward to stop him, carefully taking the shirt from Tony’s hands without being so forceful as to scare him further.

“No, this shirt is filthy.”  The soldier said.  Tony’s hands jerked back and he continued to look at the ground.  He was pressing his lips together tightly, his jaw clenched as he waited.  Tony was completely still.  Once the soldier had the shirt he tossed it aside and grabbed one of the new ones from the bag he had prepared.  “Put this on.”

The soldier wasn’t actually sure of Tony’s sizes.  He found the children’s clothes that looked about right and packed them.  As Tony looked up at the shirt, a slight frown on his face, he worried that it would either be too big or too small.  He took the shirt, stepping back from the soldier and turning around so he was no longer facing him.  Tony pulled the shirt on over his head, it was too large but only slightly so, and then turned around to look at him.

“Good.  Let’s go.”  The soldier said.  “We have been here too long already.”

Tony followed as he turned to leave.  A safe distance behind.  If the soldier wanted to turn around and grab him then Tony would be just out of arms reach, he couldn’t help but wonder if it was a conscious decision on the child’s part or just an accident.  It had to be purposeful.  The child was still terrified of him, having known no one in the world who wasn’t Hydra.

Their small pile of supplies fit easily into the car, everything they didn’t need right away into the trunk, the money from the safe went into his pocket with some going into the pouches of the backpacks, and a booster seat into the back of the car for Tony.  He kept pulling away whenever the soldier reached out to help him into the seat, but got in when he was instructed to.

When the soldier tried to buckle the seatbelt around the child, he whined loudly and froze up completely.  It clicked as the buckle snapped into place, the soldier’s attention went to the tears welling up in Tony’s eyes as his small hands wrapped around the strap.  It was nice to actually hear the child make noise, he had spent the last few days expecting him to scream and cry whenever possible and had been oddly disappointed when that didn’t happen.

“What?”  The soldier asked.  “You are allowed to speak now.  What is wrong?”

The child didn’t answer, not that the soldier expected him to.  He sighed and turned away.  Tony was in distress, but at least he was open enough now with his discomfort to make some noise instead of none at all.  This had to be an improvement, a small step towards the child realizing it was alright now.  He was allowed to be noisy.  He could speak.  The soldier knew the child could speak, his vocal chords seemed to be in working order based on the few soft grunts and whines he had heard recently, and it was only a matter of time before he actually said anything.

The soldier sat down in the front seat and listened carefully to the quiet, but still there, whines and huffs from the crying child behind him.  They had to go now, move on before people realized things were stolen and their pursuers got closer to catching up with them.


	15. Chapter 15

“That’s a tree.”  The soldier said, his eyes following everything Tony pointed at.  The child didn’t look at him or acknowledge him in any way, just kept pointing at the tree until eventually moving on to the next thing.  “That is a park.”

He wasn’t sure if the child was listening, or even pointing at things to get answers, but the soldier identified everything that captured Tony’s attention. He noticed how his eyes lingered on the playground of the park, half a dozen children running all over it and screaming with joy as they played.  Tony stayed by the window, the curtains mostly drawn to keep people from looking into their motel room.

They had gone as far west as they could, now they had to wait as the soldier tried to find a way to get them across the water and off the continent.  He was ready to leave this side of the world behind and everyone in it.  The soldier would have to be careful with where they go, but at least they were leaving the largest portion of Hydra agents.  They would have to avoid a large part of Europe, their best bet might just be to either stay in Asia or head to Africa, both were better than being anywhere near a single Hydra base.

It was a small town, very little tourism and traffic.  They hid in a motel room, no one knew they were there and the soldier would not risk speaking to the manager to actually purchase the room.  He memorized the cleaning schedule and make sure they were gone and no trace of them would be left behind by the time the maid was expected the next day.  It would be plenty of time to find a way out of the country.

Tony moved to sit up higher and get a better view outside of the window.  He pointed at something else.  “That’s a dog.” The soldier said.  Tony didn’t answer, didn’t even look at him as he continued to point.  He probably wasn’t looking for explanations, it could just be the child’s way of pinpointing something he finds interesting.  Like how he would trace the world outside on the car window with his finger their first few days of freedom.

He could probably break into a smaller airport and steal a private plane.  The soldier knew the mechanics, knew how to operate the more common models.  He had flown jets before, helicopters too.  He could recall dozens of warzones that had no context in his mind other than the fact that he had flown something or killed someone.  The soldier could steal a small aircraft and get both him and the child out of the country permanently.  He’ll have to wait, he would need to know how many airfields were in the area and which ones had which kinds of planes. 

“Oh.”  Tony said, tapping at the glass.  His attention was ripped from the window as he stared at the shoulder with wide, fearful eyes as if that one sound was the most terrible thing he had done.

The soldier was startled by the voice, the most sound the child had ever consciously made.  Something must have stirred that reaction, the child had gone to great lengths to be completely silent.  The soldier walked over to the window to see where he was pointing this time.  There was a man across the street, dressed casually with a hood up to hide most of his features.  The soldier recognized him easily enough.  He was dangerous, deadly.  The soldier looked him over, trying to find where his weapons might be hidden.

They had actually caught up with them.  They had been too slow in their escape and now Hydra was here.  The man wasn’t looking to them.  He was looking out over the park, watching the children shout and run in circles as he walked up to one of the parents and held up a piece of paper.  The soldier could only imagine what was on it.  Certainly not a photograph, he doubted Tony would have had many good photos taken.  He was thin, pale, his hair was a shaggy and uneven mess and he was still bruised from his stay with them.  He bent down and picked Tony up.  He carried him away from the window, ignoring how he kicked and wiggled for just a second before going completely lax.  Tony wanted to fight him away, but had decided against it.

“Don’t do that.  If you want to fight me then fight me.”  The soldier said.  He could kill the child easily, he wouldn’t stand a chance.  Still, it was unsettling just watching Tony give up so quickly.  He wanted the child to cry.  It was an odd desire that he couldn’t quite understand, but for some reason if Tony would just cry and scream then everything would make sense.

He set Tony down on the motel bed, held onto his shoulders, and crouched down to try and look him in the eyes.  Tony wasn’t making it easy on him, his head was lowered with his chin resting against his chest as he waited.  It was a position of absolute submission, Tony’s arms and legs completely limp as he waited for the soldier to do absolutely anything.  The child was still terrified of him, how long would they have to keep on like this until the child stopped worrying that he would strike him.

“Tony, look at me.”  The soldier said.  The child didn’t listen.  He hooked a finger under his chin and tilted his head up.  Even then, Tony would not look at him.  The soldier only had to wait a moment for the child’s eyes to finally meet his.  “I will not hurt you.  Stop being frightened of me.  We’re leaving now, he’s not going to get us.”

He didn’t wait for an answer, he wasn’t likely to get one.  The soldier stood up and walked towards the bathroom.  He was hurting again, his head pounding and his metal arm suddenly felt as if it was on fire, burning into his skin.  This was bad.  They had caught up to them, they were going to go back.  The soldier should not have abandoned his mission, certainly not for this child.  Not for this child; he wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t speak.  The child was useless.  He had thrown away his mission and abandoned his handlers because of this child and it was nothing.  Tony was simply terrified and nothing more.  He shouldn’t have done this.

The soldier dug his fingers into his shoulder, trying to get the burning to stop.  He didn’t like it, why did it seem he constantly felt like he was in pain.  This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.  The best thing he could do is give the child back, accept his beating and punishments, and go back to that cold place where he got to sleep and that painful chair where he could learn to follow orders again.

Something tugged at his shirt and the soldier hadn’t realized he was huddled in the corner of the bathroom, his face buried in his knees and his fingers digging painfully into the skin of his left shoulder.  Tony was holding onto his shirt, pulling at it and pointing back into the main room.

“What do you want?”  The soldier said.  Tony kept a hold on his shirt and kept pointing towards the door.  “I won’t know what you want unless you tell me.”

Tony tugged harder and kept pointing to the door.  The soldier was shaking, his whole body still in pain.  He felt cold, a stark contrast to the searing heat in his shoulder.  Something was wrong with him, he wasn’t injured.  Why was he in pain?

He stood up, Tony let go of his shirt as it was pulled out of reach by the movement.  The soldier followed Tony back into the main area of their stolen motel room and walked up to one of the open packs.  He dug around inside for a few minutes before pulling out a small packet.  It was a drink mix, one high in calories and nutrients.  All that needed to be done was to blend it in water and put it in the little cups Tony needed and he would have everything he needed.

“This would be easier if you just ate.”  The soldier said as he took the packet.  “If you’re hungry just tell me you are hungry.”

The child smiled and went back to the window.  He barely opened the curtains to peer outside, a quick glance told him that the Hydra agent was still across the street talking to people passing by.  They were so close, had tracked them to this one small town.  They had to leave immediately.

“Here.  Drink, it’s time to go.”  The soldier said as he handed the cup to Tony.  The child got up from his spot and followed him around the room.  Nothing was really unpacked, all their supplies still secure in their packs and they just had to make it to the vehicle without being seen.

The soldier’s hand landed on the doorknob when the glass broke and a sharp pain erupted in his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	16. Chapter 16

The bullet buried itself deep into the soldier’s side.  As soon as he was able to process what had happened he grabbed the child by the shirt and forced him down onto the ground.  He rolled for the nearest cover there was.  It was just the bed, not sturdy enough to protect them very well if the shooting continued, but good enough to get them out of sight.

There were no more shots.  They had already wasted their chance.  If they wanted to take the child back they should have killed him, but they failed.  He still had the packs and quickly pulled the smaller one up onto Tony’s shoulders.

“They will come in for us.”  The soldier said quickly.  “I will distract them and you will run as soon as you find the chance.  Don’t stop running, I will find you once it’s over.”

Tony didn’t look at him, didn’t try to run, he just stayed completely still with his hands curled tightly into the soldier’s shirt.  His breathing was heavy, his small body was already shaking wildly, but he was unharmed.  The soldier could hear them approaching, the pounding of boots on wood getting louder with each passing second and then there was the sound of glass crunching under someone’s feet.  He jumped up then, making sure Tony stayed down on the ground, and pulled the gun from his waistband.

He didn’t have much ammo, most of the firearms and his combat uniform were tucked away in the trunk of their current vehicle, but it was still enough to take out the agent climbing in through the window.  The soldier could hear more coming up the stairs as another shot fired through the broken window.  Both exits were blocked off, the soldier would have to take out the team heading through the building to give Tony a chance to head downstairs and also get rid of the people on the fire escape to ensure they wouldn’t follow the child.

They were all converging on them now.  The front door burst open and the bed didn’t block them from that, they had to face their attackers head on, just as the rest of the outside team climbed in through the window.  Decades of training had turned into instinct, killing was second nature, and the soldier had no trouble jumping into the fight.  He pushed the child to the ground, making sure he was out of the way in case anyone started firing again, and grabbed the nearest guy.

There were roughly eight men, one already had a bullet in his head and was bleeding out near the window so that left seven to deal with.  He let his body go on autopilot, he knew what to do to get rid of them.  He felt the jaw of the man shatter as it connected with his fist, his own handgun raising to fire at the man behind him and then dropping down to shoot the man on the ground.  Five more to go.

He saw Tony get up and make a run for the door, trying to weave through the legs of the last two men standing near it.  He wasn’t fast enough, one of them grabbed onto the child’s arm and yanked him from the ground.  The child didn’t make a sound, but his face grimaced in pain and the soldier shot the man in an instant.  The body and the child fell to the ground with a thud and the agent closest to the soldier forced his gun hand down.  He ducked as his arm was forced down and dropped the gun, going instead for the knife in his boot and digging it into the man’s chest.

Three agents left, coming in from the window and up behind him.  Before he had the chance to turn another bullet lodged itself into his shoulder, causing him to nearly fall forward onto the ground.  It hurt. A gunshot was always painful, but he couldn’t let that stop him from completing the mission.  He charged at them, knife ready.

There was more gunfire, sirens in the distance that were steadily growing louder, and by the time all eight agents were dead on the ground he was a mess.  The soldier’s body was shaking with energy as he scanned each person for any signs of life.  He was shot twice, a bullet in his left side and another in his right shoulder.  A cut on his forehead was bleeding slowly, already healing and in less than an hour it would be a scab.  It would be a faded scar in at least a week.  He would have to dig out the bullets before those wounds closed.

The man from across the street was not among the dead, hadn’t come to attack them but that simply meant he could still be lurking around with more teams to take them down.  They needed to leave.  The child was no longer in the room.  Not hiding under the bed, or in the closet, or in any other places children usually hid.  He wasn’t under one of the bodies, not trapped by the agent who grabbed him.  The door was still wide open though and the soldier grabbed the rest of their supplies and walked out. 

He also wasn’t lurking in the hallways or under the desks in the reception area.  The woman behind the counter was staring at him, wide eyed and shaking. 

“Have you seen a child?”  The soldier asked.  “Dark hair.  Small.”  He held up his hand to indicate the height.

The woman didn’t answer and instead started to beg, tears streaming down her face and her legs giving out for her to fall to the ground.  She was in hysterics, useless now.  Her words were a jumbled mess as she pleaded for mercy, for him to spare her life, for anything.  The soldier turned and walked out the door.   Their current vehicle was parked just a few blocks away, it was steadily growing darker as the day ended.  All the children and parents who had been in the park across the street had vanished, either sent home by how late it was getting or ran from the sound of gunshots.

He should have heard them coming soon.  Should have heard the sound of their boots on the metal of the fire escape.  Just by seeing the agent across the street he should have known the rest were not far behind.  He had been distracted, it could not happen again.

He found the child huddled next to the car, his head down and his face buried in his knees.  The pack was still on his back, secured around his shoulders and it made the child seem so much smaller.  He was too young to carry so much, the soldier would have to reduce the load.

“Time to go.”  He said, stopping in front of the child.

Something was wrong.  The child’s body was trembling and his breathing came in desperate gasps.  Could he breathe?  The soldier dropped to his knees and put one hand on the child’s back and took Tony’s face with the other one, moving him so he was looking up at him.  Blood had splashed onto the side of his face and down the front of his shirt, but the child didn’t seem harmed.  His eyes widened at the sight of the soldier and quickly tried to push him away.

“Are you injured?”  The soldier asked, reaching out for the child again.  Tony laid down on the ground and rolled over so his back was to the soldier, his breathing harsh and quick.  He put a hand on his back again and felt the uneven rhythm of his heart.  “Can you breathe?”

The child was breathing, it seemed to be a struggle but he was still getting air.  The soldier did not understand what was happening, what had set off this reaction in the child.  He went to pick up the child, but he rolled away and kicked at his outstretched hands, eyes full of fear and pain.

The soldier caught a glimpse of himself reflected in the cars window.  Blood was everywhere, covering his face and clothes, most of it wasn’t even his.  He looked like a monster, a killer.  His eyes had a wide, feral look to them and his body was still tense and shaking from adrenaline.  The child was scared, of course he was.

“I will not hurt you.”  The soldier said. He reached out to take the child again, ignoring how he tried to get away and push at his hands.  “I know you are scared, but I will not hurt you.  We must go now.”

He pulled Tony close to his chest, letting the child curl his hands into his ruined shirt and rest his head on his shoulder.  The child was clearly frightened, struggling to catch his breath and his heart was beating out of rhythm, but he latched onto the soldier and refused to ease the hard grip he had on his shirt.  The child was crying, his gasping breath not giving him air to sob, but tears were streaming down his face.  The soldier held him tightly as he tossed their bags into the back seat and slid in behind the steering wheel.

He had to let go of Tony to drive, they had to get out of town and find safe passage across the pacific as soon as possible, but Tony stayed curled up in his chest.  They needed to change, clean up, and the soldier had to dig out the bullets as soon as possible, but for now they had to get away from the building before any other agents or police officers showed up.  He kept both hands on the wheel, fully expecting the child to climb into the backseat to get far from him, but Tony’s head was turned to the side, his face pressed against the soldier’s neck, and his hands still curled around the soldier’s shirt to hold on as they drove away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, I told you guys everything will be fine.  
> :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot of you guys seemed mad at me because last chapter wasn't considered 'fine'.

The first bullet was easy to take out.  It hadn’t gone too deep into his side and he had both hands to work the skin and tweezers.  The soldier braced one hand on his hip as he went for the bullet.  He wasn’t thoroughly versed in field medicine, but if he got the bullet out and cleaned it then it should heal within a few weeks.  It took a few minutes to get the larger pieces and he had to stop every few seconds when the pain became too much.  He didn’t have the adrenaline to keep him going, he could handle a gunshot wound in a fight but when it was over the pain came in full force.  Once the bullet was out he bandaged the wound and dropped it into the sink.  The one in his shoulder was far more difficult.

Tony was curled up on the floor a few feet away, wrapped in a plush towel and his hair still dripping from his bath.  The house they had broken into was empty, the pile of newspapers on the porch and the teenager who came by to water the plants indicated the family was out of town.  The soldier had watched the place for nearly twelve hours just to make sure it was safe.

Tony had clung to him the entire time, shaking and gasping for air he couldn’t get.  He could feel the unsteady beating of his heart clearly as he held the child close for hours as they disappeared.  They drove until they ran out of gas and then the soldier carried all of their supplies to the next town and continued to hold the child close to his chest.

Things had settled down now, they found this empty house to hide in and once they were rested they would continue on.  The first thing he had done was wash the blood from Tony, putting him in a warm bath and holding him up as he nearly dropped off to sleep several times.  He washed away the blood and the grime, let Tony splash around in the bath for a few minutes, and then wrapped him in a plush towel and sat him down.  Tony had fallen asleep almost immediately.  Once the child was cared for the soldier tended to his own wounds.

They had started to close, it took quite a bit of digging to get the bullet in his shoulder out. It had gotten him from behind and he had to bend himself and reach behind him to get the tweezers in.  Logically it would be best to just leave the bullets in, he would probably cause more damage pulling them out than if he just left them in, but he felt the need to get them out.  It was cleansing almost, he was leaving Hydra behind and now it was time to get rid of the metal they had put into him.  He would get rid of the arm too, if he could.

They were out, blood was once again dripping down his shoulder and side, but he quickly patched himself up.  The soldier worked quickly to stop the bleeding and bandaging the wounds.  Once the blood was cleared away and he was clean he picked the child up off of the ground.  Tony stirred slightly, groaning as he turned his head to rest against the soldier’s chest and curled his hands into his hair, tugging at the long locks.  They left the bathroom and headed back out into the living area, keeping all the lights off so as to not alert the neighbors.

Tony muttered something unintelligible as he was laid out on the couch and the soldier carefully pulled him into fresh clothes.  He didn’t open his eyes, but one hand did move up to his hair and the other fell to his mouth as he started to suck on his thumb.  Tony seemed paler than usual, the dark circles under his eyes standing out as he slept.  It had been a long day, no doubt it had taken its toll.

“Sleep here.”  The soldier said softly.  The child did not wake up to hear, but he continued to speak anyway.  He grabbed the afghan from the back of the couch and pulled it over his sleeping child.  “I will be on the floor.  You rest, I won’t be far.”

The soldier put his backpack on the ground and used it as a pillow.  They wouldn’t sleep in the beds, it felt like too much of an invasion to sleep in the empty beds while the family was away.  The couch would be fine, Tony could sleep soundly in it while the soldier would be perfectly content on the floor.  He laid on his back, not wanting to curl up on his side and hurt one of his healing wounds.  It wasn’t comfortable, but it was better than pain.

He couldn’t sleep, every few seconds the child would take a breath and the shaky sound was enough to capture his attention and pull him from whatever rest he almost had.  Tony hummed in his sleep, between each breath there was a soft, almost completely silent sound coming from the child that the soldier’s ears would pick up.  There was the occasional hitch in Tony’s breathing.  Nothing too severe, just a tiny break in the rhythm when Tony would breathe too quickly and too shallowly than normal and it would usually be followed by a soft whine or muffled sob.  The soldier didn’t know why he was focusing on the child’s breathing, but the sounds were comforting.

He closed his eyes again, trying to ignore the slight jolt he gets every time there was a slight disruption in the child’s breathing, whether it be a gentle hum are or sharper than average intake.  The child was fine, they both just needed to sleep.  They had to cross the pacific as soon as possible, even if the soldier had to steal a plane himself.  They had to be careful which country they went to.  Many were not safe, some were in political unrest and others were too close to Hydra bases.  As long as he stayed away from Russia and the rest of Eastern Europe, Hydra facilities would be few and far between.  Asia and Africa were the safest places they could go.

The soldier was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of movement, his eyes peeking open just in time to see the small child climb off the couch and fall on top of him.  He held in the hiss and wince of pain as the child settled on his chest and instead stayed perfectly still.  Tony pulled the afghan off of the couch and pulled it back over his shoulders as he settled against him, his head resting under the soldier’s chin and his small body fitting perfectly in the center of his chest.

“You should sleep.”  The soldier whispered.  Surprisingly enough, Tony whispered back.  It was a jumbled mess of noises with no meaning, and Tony’s voice was so quiet it almost wasn’t heard, but it was as close to talking as the child had actually come besides the one word from the day before.  It was like he was testing the waters, seeing how close he could get without being punished.  The soldier wouldn’t punish him and one day soon hopefully the child would realize it was safe to speak.

Tony reached out and tapped a finger over the soldier’s shoulder.  He flinched and his hand reached up to grab the child’s arm, gently and careful not to harm him as he pulled the hand away from the gunshot wound.  Tony understood and rolled over so he was facing the other shoulder, this time when he reached out his hand found metal. His fingers splayed out over the metal panels of his arm as he continued to whisper nonsense to himself.  The soldier wondered what he was thinking, if a prosthetic meant anything at all to him when he was already in a world full of things he had never seen before.

He reached up and took the child’s hand in his.  “Sleep.” He said, more firmly this time.  His other hand went up to rest on the child’s back.  The heartrate seemed odd to him, it didn’t feel as it should.  He felt it beating in Tony’s chest, a slow pattering rhythm that worried him.  “Do you feel it?”

Tony didn’t answer with anything besides quiet mutterings, he just shifted his position on the soldier’s chest and wiggled up further to keep his head securely under the soldier’s chin, his dark curls brushing over his neck.  Tony’s whispers stopped as his free hand went back to his mouth and the fingers of his other one wrapping around the soldier’s hand.  Tony was fast asleep within minutes.

The soldier did not move a muscle.  The child was not trying to get away from him, not attempting to run and hide in fear as he had done ever since their escape from the facility.  Every moment this small child had expected a hand to jump out and strike him.  He feared punishment even though the soldier could see nothing that the child had done to deserve it.  And now the fear was nowhere to be seen, the child slept curled up on his chest. 

It didn’t make sense, so soon after the attack the child should be more terrified.  He had seen the soldier as a monster, bloodied and feral as he slaughtered their attackers.  Tony should not find comfort sleeping on his chest.  He should not feel safe just hours after being attacked by Hydra, not when they were most likely still close by.  Tony should not be coming to him for a place to rest.

Tony tried to wiggle closer, his face burrowing into any available space against the soldier’s neck and he could feel the tears in the child’s eyes.  There was the sound again.  The sharp, quiet intake of breath followed by a sob.  Tony didn’t feel safe, he wasn’t comforted.  The child simply needed to sleep and why he chose the soldier to sleep on was a mystery.  There was probably no reason behind it at all, the child was probably still scared of him and would go back to his usual behaviors once he was rested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, they're fine now. Everything is okay.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys are on their way again and they finally made it out of the country. Hopefully things will work out now that they're gone.

There was a girl he used to go to school with.  The soldier remembered the sandy hair and green eyes.  She was beautiful.  He had kissed her behind the swings when no one else was looking and told her that she was the only person he would ever kiss.  It was a child’s promise, he didn’t even remember her name.  He wrote down the memory anyway, right after the one where he murdered a family in their beds.  It was all the same, if it was something in his head, something he did or saw that came back to him then he wrote it down.

He closed the notebook and slid it into his backpack and glanced behind him.  Tony was still playing, chasing butterflies through an open field.  They had landed in Russia, he wanted to stay here as little as possible.  They would have to go south, the sooner they left this country the better.  Hydra was everywhere.  Instead of stealing a plane they ended up taking a boat and sneaking across the Pacific into Russia, Tony had been calm the whole way but now they had time for the kid to stretch his legs before the stole another car and drove as far as they could.

Tony came up to him, his hands clasped together and a large grin on his face.  He held his hands up to his face and hummed before holding his hands out to the soldier.

“What is it?”  He asked, leaning away slightly.

“No.”  Tony said as the soldier leaned back.  He held his hands out again, waving them in front of the soldier.

He didn’t move, his eyes glued to his child as he waited for him to react in some way.  Tony had spoken a full word, his first word.  It was no longer just nonsensical whispers or meaningless hums and grunts, this was a word.  Tony didn’t seem worried at first, but noticing the soldier's hesitation the smile slipped off of his face.  His body tensed and he slowly pulled his arms back.

“It’s okay.  Let me see.”  He said quickly.  He was not going to ruin this simply because he was surprised and confused by Tony finally speaking.  A wide smile broke across the child’s face as he opened his hands.

“Oh.”  Tony said, the smile falling away.  He had captured a butterfly and smashed it in his hands in his excitement.  Before he could drop his hands the soldier reached out to him, carefully taking his hands in his own.

He wiped away the bug and tried to clean Tony’s hands as best he could with what he had.  “Don’t worry.”  The soldier said as tears started to swell in the child’s eyes.  “You will just have to be gentler next time.”

Tony crossed his arms and tried to pull away, he sat down in the dirt and dropped his head so that his chin was resting against his chest.  He didn’t cry, still no loud cries and sobs that the soldier kept expecting from him.  It was almost personal how the child seemed to curl in on himself and wipe away his tears, as if he didn’t want anyone to see but couldn’t hold it in any longer.  The soldier didn’t know what to do, how could he comfort this child crying over a dead butterfly.

“Don’t do that.”  He said slowly.  The child didn’t even look up.  “Stop it.”

And just like that Tony’s whole body went still, his mouth snapping closed in an effort to keep all the tears in.  It was worse than the crying.  He bend down quickly, ignoring the way the movement strained his side and his shoulder that was screaming in pain from barely healed gunshots.  The wounds would be fine, he had to make sure Tony would be.

“Sorry, alright.  Come here.”  The soldier said quickly.  He reached out to the child slowly, trying to find some way to comfort him.  He liked being held, only recently allowing the soldier to hold him close without trying to fight him away.  Tony didn’t move, didn’t try to kick him away as he picked him up off of the ground and into his arms.  “It will be alright.  It was just an insect.”

Tony’s breath hitched and a soft whine left his mouth as more tears threatened to fall.  “No.”  He said, shaking his head quickly.  The soldier moved a hand slowly up and down the child’s back.

He didn’t know what to say.  It was just a butterfly, there were dozens of them fluttering about.  The child should not get so upset on just one.  Instead of thinking of something to say he picked Tony up and started walking towards the nearest town in search of a vehicle.  They couldn’t stay too long, it had been just days after they were attacked and especially not now that they’ve arrived in Russia.  They couldn’t stay in one place, not if they wanted to be safe.

Tony cried as he buried his face against the soldier’s chest.  He could feel the wet tears soaking into his shirt and the child’s small body shook with the effort to keep quiet.  The child was a strange one, happy and speaking one moment and crying with an effort to be silent the next.  It seemed as if the child was drifting between trusting him and not, between the idea that the soldier was safe and the history he had of no one being safe.

It was pointless really, the child shouldn’t trust him.  Not after everything he did and all the people he has killed.  Children, dozens of children and he had killed them all without hesitation.  Tony should realize that he wasn’t safe.   He had been there when he slaughtered eight men, had held Tony as he was covered in blood with two bullets in him.  He was a monster, a killer, Tony should be terrified.

Time got away from him again, his mind wandering too far to realize they had made it to the town.  They were both clean, dressed like civilians, no one paid them any mind.  No one looked their way.  That was good, they could get by unnoticed.  Hydra had not found them.  The soldier could feel his heartbeat pick up, his hold on the child tightening slightly.  They were not here, they have not found them yet.  There were too many people around, walking down the streets and going about their day.  They could not get away with a car unnoticed with the town so bustling as it was.  The soldier did not want to wait.  He wanted to get out of the Soviet Union.

He hiked Tony up higher on his hip and ducked his head as he walked.  There had to be a less crowded part of town.  There were cars somewhere that no one would notice him taking.  They had to get out of this country.

“Oh.”  Tony said softly, peeking over his shoulder.

The soldier carefully glanced behind him to where Tony was pointing.  It was a man, sitting at a bench and reading a newspaper.  It was subtle, the way he occasionally glanced over in their direction, but never directly at them.  The soldier pulled Tony tight against his chest and began walking a bit faster.  Running would bring too much attention, and with the child in his arms and two backpacks slung over his shoulders.

He didn’t look behind him, didn’t check to see if he was following, just kept walking with the child held close.  If they were attacked again then he would tell the child to run, get him out of enemy fire and take care of their attackers.  His shoulder still ached, his side burned with the memory of the bullet.  It was too soon for an attack, he wasn’t healed enough yet. 

“If they engage, you run.  Don’t worry about where you run to, just run.” The soldier whispered softly to Tony.  “I will find you when it is over.”

Tony didn’t say anything, he stayed completely silent as his hands curled tightly around the soldier’s shirt.  His grip was strong, as if he would probably put up a fight if the soldier made him let go, but it wouldn’t mean much.  He was stronger than a toddler.

After walking a few blocks the soldier risked a look around.  The man was nowhere to be seen.  Perhaps he was just a man.  A local going about their business.  The soldier wanted to leave, being in this country was making him paranoid.  He could close his eyes and almost see the faceless doctors hovering above him with their needles and scalpels, all of them speaking in Russian.  This was where it happened, maybe not this town or even this side of the country, but this country was where they tied him down and turned him into a monster.  And now he brought Tony here.

The memories would have to be written down later, he didn’t want to lose them again.  He didn’t want to lose anything.  His head was pounding again, anything else he might have recalled was pushed away by nothing but pain that threatened to rip apart his skull.  The soldier did not know why his head was hurting, he hadn’t been injured there.  Perhaps he was hungry, it had been a while since he had eaten and his body needed calories to stitch together the gunshot wounds.

“Stay here.”  The soldier said.  He had finally found an empty street.  No one would see him take a vehicle if he worked quickly.  “Be silent.”

He set Tony down on the ground, his eyes still red and puffy from the earlier tears, but he listened.  The soldier turned his attention to the car he had picked, it was an ugly beige and an older model.  It wouldn’t draw attention.  It was easy enough to get past the locked doors and peer inside.  There was already a car seat in the back, the owners had a child, so there would be no need to stop by the store to steel another one.  Although it seemed older and cheaper than any others he had seen it would work just fine.  He picked up Tony and slid him into the seat.

“No.”  Tony said again as the soldier tried to buckle him in.  His small hands reached out to push the seatbelt away.

“Yes.”  The soldier said, reaching out to move Tony’s hands.  “It will keep you safe.”

Once the belt clicked into place Tony kicked out his legs angrily.  He wasn’t speaking anymore, not the one word he had repeated throughout the day, he was just rambling nonsense as he shouted and struggled against the seatbelt.  The soldier closed the door, Tony had to stay buckled in.  He got the car running and pulled out of the space onto the road.  They needed to get out of this town and out of the country as quickly as they could.  The only ways they could go were south or west.  South was the best option, it would get them out of the Soviet Union faster and then they would be safe again.

Tony let out a loud shout and kicked his legs again.  He was crying louder than he ever had before, his tears accompanied with screeching yells that oddly enough seemed to be perfect, it almost soothed his headache instead of irritating it.  The child was supposed to be loud, the soldier was supposed to hear him as he cried.  Tony was supposed to make noise and he was finally fulfilling that purpose.

Another memory pushed forth through his pounding headache, a small bundle with dark hair and tiny limbs that would cry loudly at all hours of the day.  That would be a nice one to write down, the soldier didn’t want to forget these little scenes and images.  He didn’t want them to be ripped away again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Tony seems to be talking some but not much. He seems to be settling into being noisy now that he knows he won't be punished if he's not silent. Hopefully as time goes on he'll speak some more.


	19. Chapter 19

Tony hated the seatbelt and although he didn’t mind the child being noisy it seemed almost cruel to take comfort in his nonstop cries. Once they reached the countryside he undid the seatbelt and the child scrambled out of his car seat. He kicked the soldier’s hands away, grumbling nonsense under his breath as he got as far as possible. At first the soldier was sure he had ruined the little bit of trust they had, the child wouldn’t let him come near.

“I will not hurt you.” The soldier said softly. Tony didn’t move any closer, he simply pulled his knees to his chest and looked out the window. “Seatbelts are to keep you safe, you shouldn’t be frightened of them.”

Tony glanced over to him, a frown on his face and tears in his eyes. The child was upset over a seatbelt and the soldier didn’t understand why. His hands were shaking and the soft sounds of Tony’s breathing was quick and shallow. They stayed parked on the side of the road as the soldier watched him quietly. Tony seemed to be near panic and the soldier didn’t know why or how to help him.

He reached out again, slower this time and he kept his body relaxed. There weren’t many ways he knew how to make himself appear non-threatening and it must have worked because the child didn’t pull away this time, but he didn’t come any closer. The soldier took one of Tony’s hands and held it gently as the child continued breathing shakily.

“What is wrong? Why are you scared?” The soldier asked. The closest to an answer he received was mumbled nonsense as Tony turned his attention back to the window. It was a cloudless day, the sky a soft blue and in the countryside they could see for miles. “You have spoken before, speak now and tell me what’s wrong.”

Tony paused for a moment, his face scrunching up as he continued to look out at the world. “No.” He said slowly.

“Is that all you can say?” The soldier asked. It was a short, simple word. Perhaps it was the only one Tony had figured out. The other meaningless sounds could just be his way of trying to learn more. The soldier could be wrong, but why was Tony not speaking to him.

He wasn’t going to get an answer; Tony’s mouth pressed together tightly as he scooted closer to the window. The soldier decided to stop questioning him for now, Tony seemed content enough to just look outside. It was a big world and the child deserved to appreciate it for a little bit. He would prefer it if the child spoke to him, said anything meaningful at all, but he would get nothing it seemed.

They continued driving, still a ways to go before they could sneak over the border and leave the Soviet Union behind forever. The soldier never wanted to see this country again. He wanted to put this whole place out of his mind and get Tony as far from it as possible. It wasn’t safe, not for either of them.

“South is China.” The soldier said, mostly to himself. In the mirror he saw Tony’s head snap in his direction and the slight redness of his eyes. “If you have any ideas on where to go from there then I suggest you speak.”

It was a pointless effort, Tony didn’t seem at all interested in whatever plans the soldier made for them and even if he was there probably wasn’t much he would say. It was simple enough where they should go, they couldn’t keep travelling south, if they go too far then they would hit the war tearing apart Vietnam. They had no part going near there. The soldier’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, they couldn’t stay in China either. They probably could for a while if they found an isolated area where the locals would not think them too strange.

Tony might like the food there, it would be different from anything else he is used to but he might actually be up for eating. Or he could ignore the food completely as he usually does and instead continue drinking enough juice, smoothies, and special drink mixes to give him the calories and nutrients he needed. Perhaps in the isolated place they might find a place to hide for a while there would be children willing to show Tony that eating is alright. Or they would shun him away as an outsider. This could happen anywhere they went, the soldier realized. They had no place in the world to belong to.

“Where are we going to go, Tony?” He asked softly.

With that he got the closest thing to a response as he would probably ever get; Tony pointed out the window. There was nothing in that direction, just more land and sky and open space. He whispered softly, the soldier’s ears picking it up with ease and once again it was jumbled nonsense. Just meaningless noises that barely resembled words.

“Please.” The soldier said. He wasn’t sure what he was pleading for, either that Tony speak to him, that he stops being afraid, that he eats, that he is safe and happy wherever they end up going. He isn’t even sure if he’s speaking to Tony or not.

It was about as close as he had gotten to praying in a long time, since he was a scared kid in the trenches just after killing his first man. The soldier paused, there was another one. A little memory pushing through the haze and into his consciousness and had taken root, digging in deep to stop itself from slipping away. He slowly pulled the car over again and reached back to grab his bag. He had to write it down before he lost it again.

This memory went right into his book. The more he remembered the more pages were filled and they were going fast. It had only been a few weeks, not even half a month since he had taken the child away, and his life was coming back to him in bits and pieces. He wasn’t an asset, he wasn’t a tool used for murder. He was a monster, but he was a person once. It turned out that person was probably a killer too, another soldier off following someone else’s orders if this memory was anything to go by.

A small hand appeared in his field of vision that was accompanied by a soft whine from Tony. He wanted the notebook, he had crept out of the small corner of the car he had pressed himself into to escape from his seatbelt just to try and grab it from him.

“No.” The soldier said, his muscles tensed as he saw the way Tony scrunched up his nose and pulled back quickly as if he had been burned. “Alright. Be careful with it, it’s mine.”

He turned the pages, he wasn’t sure if Tony could read yet but if he could he didn’t want the child to see this horror story unfold. He found a blank page and passed back the notebook and pen, Tony took it gleefully. This was fine, Tony could scribble in the pages and maybe when he reads back on his memories they would make it easier. If he lost everything again he could find this and piece it all back together again and Tony would be in there too. In his own way he forced himself into his memory book. Then maybe he would be a person again.

“Tony, do you know my name?” He asked softly. He didn’t want to be the soldier anymore. There was a pause, the very quiet sound of the pen running over paper stopped as Tony looked up at him. “I don’t have a name, you can give me one. Please, I need one.”

That had to be it, real people had names. If he had one then he wouldn’t be the soldier. Tony hummed softly as he looked back down at the notebook. “Ony.” He said.

“No, Tony is your name. I can’t take your name.” He said quickly. Tony looked back up at him, confusion written across his face. “It’s your name. Tony, that’s you. That’s the special word just for you. I need one now.”

Tony’s eyebrows furrowed and then he turned his attention back to the notebook, more nonsense being whispered softly. It was all jibberish, no actual words, no meaning. His tone shifted as if he was talking about something important, but he wasn’t saying anything. He didn’t know why, was capable of speaking. He had spoken, why wasn’t he saying anything now.

“Please tell me you can understand.” He said. “Why won’t you talk to me? Why are you like this?”

The whispering stopped and Tony looked back up at him. He wondered what was going on in his head. Did Tony know what was going on? Did he know who he was or where he was or what they were escaping from? He was so small, so young, perhaps he knew so little about all of this that he was just as confused as he was.

“Appa.” Tony said. At first the soldier thought it was just more of the babbling Tony had taken to recently, meaningless nothing that just filled the silence. But then he said it again, louder and forcefully as he pointed to him.

“You want to call me Appa?” He asked. He didn’t mind it, it didn’t feel like his name and he certainly wasn’t going to call himself that, but he wouldn’t stop Tony. “Alright.”

The child made a happy sounding noise and went back to the notebook. He started driving, they had been parked for too long and they still had a long way to go to get out of the Soviet Union. The child made no move to get back into his car seat, he continued drawing or writing and occasionally glanced up to look out the window and make sure the world was still there. He could understand, if they truly didn’t let the child outside then he might not have known this was all here. A Hydra facility would have been the whole world. It wasn’t right, but at least he got to see it now.

“If we have to pass through a city, you’re going to go back to your seat. It’ll be busy and the seatbelt will keep you safe.” He said.

“No.” Tony said quickly, his attention snapping away from notebook.

“Yes, it’ll keep you safe.” He said.

Tony moved forward, crawling across the car until he was poking his head over to look at him. He held the notebook up, the whole page covered in shakily drawn numbers and symbols and pointing to them as if they held the key to all their problems.

“Appa, no.” Tony said again. He held the notebook out like a gift and smiled when he took it. He had to keep one eye on the road, only looking at Tony’s numbers briefly as he made sure they were still on the road, but he understood only a bit of it. It was coursing the velocity of a bullet leaving a Barrett M82 rifle and how fast it could travel a certain distance or how far it would go before gravity pulled it to the ground. Why did Tony write this? Why did he know this?

“Alright, but you still have to wear the seatbelt in the cities.” He said slowly, putting the notebook down.

Tony cried out again, pointing at the book and shouting loud words that he couldn’t understand. He didn’t know what Tony was trying to say or why he couldn’t just say the actual words to get his meaning across. He moved away, back into his corner of the car pressed up against the window and kicked the car seat away from him with a shout.


	20. Chapter 20

He was certain he had a name, a real name like all actual people did.  He knew it was there, he could feel it just under the surface.  He just had to scratch at it a bit more until it finally became clear.  Appa was a nice enough thing to be called, it wasn’t a word he was familiar with but Tony said it in the happy, sing-song voice of a child that there was no way he would turn away from the name.

Especially not now that Tony was smiling every time he said it, unrestrained and the car seat thrown out before they entered China.  They would be fine, the roads were mostly clear anyway.  In whatever was going to come next it would be more important that Tony trust him than having him safely belted down in a seat he might not need.  It was a compromise, probably the first of many.

“What are you writing now?”  He asked, glancing in the rearview mirror to see Tony once again hovering over his notebook.

The answer was just a jumbled babble of sounds, no actual words.  He could see the numbers he was writing from the mirror, but at that angle he couldn’t tell what exactly they meant.  If it was more of the same speed and velocity of moving objects, bullets for example, or if it was any of the other physics concepts he vaguely remember being taught in a high school classroom.  He was good at math, back when he was a real person.  He was sure of it.

He slowly pulled the car over to a halt and turned around in his seat.  “I need that.”  He said softly as he reached back for the book.  Tony nodded and handed it over willingly, his small legs swinging back and forth from where they hung over the edge.

Tony had been writing numbers for something even simpler than speed and gravity, it was just binary.  Sloppily drawn ones and zeroes spelling out sentences that were clearer than anything else the child has said or done before.  It seemed like a schedule, waking up at eight every morning and waiting in a cold box for someone to come get him.  People taking the tubes of out him, from his nose and the needles from his arms.  He would be left sitting on a table until ten, the pent up energy of youth making him fidgety but he couldn’t move unless he was given permission.  Someone would come for him once it was time and Zola decided what to do with him for the day because usually the man wanted to see him and that usually brought along more needles and tubes and he still wouldn’t be allowed to move.  Tony didn’t know what was in them, he just wrote over the details to point out the basics.  They would be done by noon and he would be allowed something to drink before lessons.  They lasted until six in the afternoon, Tony didn’t say what the lessons were, just that once they were done he was taken back to that room where they stuck more wires and needles back in.  Then he would be left alone again.

All of this was plainly written in a long series of ones and zeroes, a code that he had learned a long time ago and now Tony knew easily enough to plan out his day.  He didn’t seem bothered by the soldier reading it, he actually seemed pleased.  Was this what Tony was waiting for?  For things to go back to normal?  He held the book tightly, the pages crinkling under his fingers as he read what Tony defined as his normal day to day routine.  It was something he felt compelled to share with him, on the page right after the memory of him carving a child out of a mother’s womb in the woods.  He wrote that down to remember what he did and now Tony wrote this to remind him of the consequences.

“Is this what you think needs to happen?”  He asked, the child looking at him with a relaxed expression.  “Are you trying to be helpful and remind me of how things are supposed to be?”

Tony didn’t answer, he just kept swinging his legs back and forth as he waited.  He seemed so patient, so content with what he was sharing.  Maybe he thought this was how things were supposed to be, it was the only life he had and he was given nothing to compare it to.  He was waiting for the soldier to continue it because of course he was going to.  Tony thought he was one of them because Hydra were the only people in the world to this kid.

“Tony, do you know what I did to your mother?”  He asked softly.  Tony didn’t answer, he didn’t even respond.  “Do you know you had a mother?  Do you even know what a mother is?”

“No.”  Tony said.  That had to be the only word the child knew, he didn’t mention times he was allowed to speak in his schedule.  His schedule wasn’t even written using the alphabet.  It was all numbers for him, he was allowed to know numbers.

“You were inside of her, back when you were nothing but a tiny thing in her belly.  She kept you warm and safe and alive.”  He said, he was shaking harder now.  He shouldn’t tell Tony this, not yet.  He was too young to know these details.  “She loved you; wanted to protect you from Zola, from me.  She was a lot braver than most people.  She tried begging and when that didn’t work she shot at me and tried to run.  God, did she try.  I didn’t kill her, but I took you out.  I’m just as bad as they are but I’m not them anymore.”

He wasn’t sure where he was going with this.  It was something he had to say and he looked back at Tony, the child had stopped swinging his legs but he wasn’t crying.  He didn’t even seem upset.  He didn’t understand, he didn’t know what a mother was.  His world didn’t involve any of this.

“I remembered it just the other day.”  The soldier said slowly.  “I held you in my arms, small and bloody and loud.  You were so loud.  They taught you to be quiet but from the very beginning you were loud.  You can be loud again.”

“Appa.”  Tony said slowly.  He reached out and pointed at the numbers written on the page for him.

“We’re not doing that.  You probably think it’ll be easier if you cooperate, that if you remind me I’ll go easy on you, I did that a few times too.  But I’m not them anymore.  This isn’t going to happen ever again.”  He said.  “We’re going to create you a new normal.  I’m not going to be them.  Not anymore, I can’t hurt you again.”

“Appa.”  Tony repeated himself.

“James.  My name was James.”  He said quickly.  “I was a real person.”

Tony’s head popped into his line of sight and looked at him with curious eyes.  He didn’t understand, he was a child trying to wrap his head around the world and find where he fits into it and he couldn’t do that yet.  He reached out and pointed to the schedule again, waiting for James to do something about what used to be his life. 

It was all so brief, so summarized, so mechanical in how it was described as the binary code filled up several pages with the shortest sentences the child could manage.  Each single letter a series of numbers, whole sentences took paragraphs to write, but even in the barest details it was all still there.  He was going to have to show Tony that the world wasn’t like that.  Tony needed to learn how people work outside of the walls of that facility.  He wasn’t going to go back to this ever again.  Now it was just another memory written in his book and Tony would have it there written right after the first moments of his life when the soldier took him away.

“We have to go now.” James said slowly.  He passed the notebook back to Tony.  He couldn’t even remember what he wanted to write down.  “Sit down.”

Tony crawled into the passenger seat and made himself comfortable.  He seemed so small, not even able to look over the dashboard and out the window.  Tony turned to a new page and started again.  It wasn’t writing this time, no equations or numbers or sentences.  Just circles, over and over.  It was a relief, James didn’t want to read anything else Tony had to say about what had happened, at least not today.  He had had enough today.

The next time he glanced down he noticed it wasn’t a blank page Tony was drawing on.  His childish scribbles were weaving in and out of one of his memories.  It was a more peaceful one, from back when he was still the real person.  Something about a skinny kid who never wore warm enough socks and would catch a cold that would put him in bed for a week.  Tony didn’t scribble enough to block the letters.

“We need to get you socks.”  James said softly.  “You’re gonna get sick.  Germs.  Do you have your shots?”

Tony didn’t answer, not really.  There was just more babbling and almost words in the jumbled up sounds he made.  He was getting thinner.  James could see it, he needed to eat actual food soon.  The child could only survive so long on bottled fruit juices and protein mix.  He was going to get sick.

“Appa.”  Tony said, holding up the notebook to show him his scribbles.

“It’s nice.”  James said, smiling at Tony and his heart melting as the child smiled back.  “Draw me another.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, things are just fine. These boys are okay.  
> :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a lot about rural China in the late 20th century, but I like to think this is close enough.
> 
> Also, a long chapter! I just got caught up in it all and I hope you enjoy it.

“When we get to Africa we’re going to head south.”  James decided.  They were about halfway through China now.  Tony had a new, warm pair of socks on his feet and their supplies was restocked with every town they drove through, even if they never stayed long enough interact with the locals.  It was safer this way, Tony didn’t seem bothered by it at all.

Tony didn’t say a thing, he just kept tugging at his socks until they were almost up to his knees.  He didn’t care where they went it seemed, Tony was just happy to be outside.  James understood that each time he pointed out the window at something they were driving by it meant he had discovered something new in the world that he didn’t know existed.  Tony would point it out and turn to him with a large smile and whisper softly to himself.

James didn’t know how long this course would last.  If they didn’t find at least a somewhat permanent place to settle down by the time they finished travelling through Africa then he didn’t know where to go from there.  They were without homes, countries, and communities.  They had no one in the world.

“Appa.”  Tony said, his finger tapping against the car window.

“Yes?”  He asked, glancing back through the window.  Tony had perked up in his seat and almost pressed his face flush against the car window.  James followed his gaze, they were passing by a village, a small one not too far off of the road they were going down, but they could still see the small figures of children running around and playing.  “No.”

Tony pulled away from the window and frowned.  “No?”  He asked slowly.

“We cannot bring attention to ourselves.  Even in remote villages, word travels fast and they will know we’re here.  They can’t find us again.”  James said softly.  Old wounds throbbed at the thought of them catching up, of Hydra getting too close again.  Last time was hard enough.  The gunshot wounds on his side and shoulder were mostly healed, but still tender and ached at the thought of more bullets.  And while most of Tony’s bruises from before, the physical marks that showed just how often Hydra mistreated the child, were fading there was still a fresh one around his arm from where he had been grabbed.  Hydra had to stay away, they needed to heal.  “Once we are safe and far away then I will let you play.”

Tony sat back down in his seat, now set on ignoring the window entirely.  There was a time and place for everything, but now wasn’t one of them.  They would find somewhere eventually, far from the Soviets and the Americans and Hydra and all the countries that were painted with danger that he would never take the child to.  Somewhere they could spend a few months maybe before moving on.  The child could have friends, other children to teach him how the world works.  Has Tony ever interacted with another child before?

“Damn it.”  James said as he slowed the car down and turned towards the village.  It wasn’t far, they could stop for just a moment to let the child play.  It wouldn’t do much harm.

Tony was back at the window, practically buzzing in his seat as they stopped the car not far from the first buildings.  James got out first and took Tony into his arms, a few of the villagers glanced their way but no one seemed threatening or suspicious.  A few even smiled at the child in his arms.  No one approached them.  James couldn’t help the tension building in his muscles, they were outsiders here and had every right to not welcome them.  He put Tony down once they reached the edge of the playground, local children were on the swing set and running from one rickety structure to the next with joy.  He didn’t know if they would welcome Tony to their games, but the child didn’t seem to share his worries as he rushed off to join them.

There was a brief moment where the children saw Tony, his western features that probably weren’t commonly seen in the area stood out, and they just paused for a moment.  James was about to get Tony and take him away, not willing to have his hopes dashed so soon now that he was finally allowed to interact with other children.  But then things started up again and the children happy to have Tony playing with them.

“He is your son?”  A woman asked.  “He is beautiful.”

“Yes.”  James said.  He didn’t know if he had any past missions in China, he was sure there had to be at least one, but the language she spoke was clear in his head and he understood.  “He is.”

He didn’t bother correcting the woman, Tony may not be his son and it seemed like an insult to the mother he slaughtered to call him that, but he had no other explanations to give.  He will be the father for this moment.  It was just a lie, they wouldn’t be staying long enough for it to matter anyway.

“You are here, why?”  She asked.  She looked over to the children, Tony was holding hands with one of the little girls as she dragged him over to the swing set.  “Not many people travel through here.”

“We are just passing through.  We are just going West, won’t stay long.”  He said slowly.

“Men like you do not come through here.”  She said.

“I know.”  James said.  “We’ll leave once he’s done playing.”

“Where are you from?”  She asked.  “We do not see many foreigners here.”

James didn’t answer.  It would be dangerous to reveal too much.  They would only be here for a short time, just long enough for Tony to play with the other children.  He didn’t know much about China, he understood whatever language the woman spoke, although he didn’t recall learning it, but he had no knowledge of the politics or lifestyle.  One thing he was certain of though was that once they left China they would be in either Pakistan or India.  It didn’t matter which one, just as long as they kept going west.

“Would you like tea?”  The woman asked.  “My daughter is enjoying the chance to play with your son.  You should join us for tea.”

She was shifting awkwardly, perhaps she was nervous.  James could understand, he was a stranger invading their village.  He looked wrong, acted wrong, probably even sounded wrong when he spoke.  The only reason they hadn’t driven him off now was most likely just the fact that Tony was just an innocent child here to play.

“We will leave soon.”  He said again.

“After tea.”  The woman replied.

She called out to her daughter.  James saw Tony sitting on one of the swings, kicking his legs back and forth but not actually going anywhere.  The little girl was standing behind him, struggling to push him and as the woman called out, her head shot up and she grabbed Tony’s hand again so they could walk over together.  It was rather relaxing to see the children accept Tony so readily.  The children knew Tony was different from them, they looked at him a bit more intently than they did the other children, their expression shifting to confusion as they watched him, but they still welcomed him into their games and didn’t see a single thing wrong with having him there.  It would only last so long, they would understand very soon that they didn’t belong here.  What would happen to Tony then?

“We should leave.”  James said.

“After tea.”  The woman replied.  Once the children were standing in front of them the little girl leapt into her mother’s waiting arms, laughing as she was pulled into the air.

Tony didn’t do the same, he looked at the girl and her mother with a soft frown and furrowed brows.  He was seeing children for the first time and the easy affection their parents gave to them, Tony had no experience in this.  James wondered if he should reach out and embrace Tony the same way, get him used to the idea of someone swinging him around and holding him closely.  James had carried the child before, even embraced him once or twice.  Did he understand it as something parents did to children?  Probably not, Tony understood so little about the world if it didn’t involve what Hydra wanted to teach him.

The woman waved them on and Tony followed without hesitation.  He stopped for only a moment to hold his hand out to James and say ‘Appa’ to get him to take it.  Then they were following the woman, it was only a short walk until they reached her house.  It was small, but once they were inside they could see the carefully decorated rooms and the care the family took in keeping it clean and beautiful.

“My husband was educated in the city before we had to move out here.  We are happy though.”  She said as she set her daughter down on the floor and Tony let go of his hand to go sit with her.  “We are safer here.  Where are you going to go?”

James sat with the children and didn’t answer.  The little girl seemed to be trying to teach Tony a song, saying the words slowly and carefully for him to repeat them.  He didn’t.  Tony babbled words that sounded similar in the same sing-song tone, but never the actual words themselves.  The children were about the same size, the girl only slightly smaller than Tony but more articulate with her words.

He continued to watch the children interact, the little girl cheering each time Tony got closer to mimicking the words in her song.  James didn’t speak to the woman, ignoring all of her little pieces of conversation.  It wasn’t until he noticed the full cup of tea sitting in front of him that he remembered that he was there.  Time, once again, escaped from him.  He went from looking at Tony ramble a song in a language he probably didn’t understand to the cup of steaming liquid in front of him.

It seemed innocent enough, but it just reminded him that they shouldn’t be here.  They had to go before they caught up to them.  Before Hydra found them out in a village they didn’t belong in and decided to punish this woman and her family for their hospitality.

He stood up, ignoring the woman and little girl and the tea and just pulled Tony off of the ground.  “We need to leave.”  He whispered into his child’s ear.  He hoped it was English, he couldn’t quite recall what languages he knew at the moment, he wasn’t even sure which ones the child would understand, but now all that mattered was that they needed to be far away from here.

“No.”  Tony whined, trying to wiggle out of his hold.

“Yes.”  James said.  They walked out of the house and he held Tony close as they walked towards the edge of town to their waiting car.  “You were allowed to play and now you must behave.”

“No.”  Tony said again, kicking his legs harder to get away. 

His feet connected with the still healing bullet hole on his side, the pain shooting through him.  It was an accident, the need to recoil from what instincts told him was an attack overcame the desire to hold his child and Tony went tumbling to the ground as James stepped away.  He hit the dirt with a soft thud and then he was silent.

The wound didn’t reopen, the small kick against it hadn’t done a thing wrong, but James’s body shook as if another strike was going to come and he was tense in preparation.  He knew it was nothing, no one was there, they weren’t under attack.  It was just Tony, lying on the ground with wide, fearful eyes that kept blinking in a desperate attempt to stop the tears from spilling over.

Tony was completely silent, even his breathing was nothing more than a faint whistling even though his chest was shaking with barely contained sobs and desperate gasps of air.  He was quiet, about as quiet as he had been in the beginning.  James hated it.

“I’m sorry.”  He said slowly.  “I didn’t mean to drop you.”

He lowered himself to his knees but made no move to get closer to the child.  He was scared.  He must have thought that things had run its course and now it was time for James to treat the child how he was accustomed.  Tony pulled his arms close and wrapped them around his chest as he waited for something to happen.

“Come here please.  I promised I would never hurt you. It was an accident.” James repeated over and over again, just hoping that Tony would look at him and jump into his arms the way the little girl seemed so willing to do with her mother.  “Please.”

“Appa.”  Tony said slowly, his voice shaky from the attempt to stop himself from crying.  “No.”

James let his body relax, the child had turned him away.  It was inevitable, Tony would have seen the monster he was one way or another.  He leaned away and let his head drop.  He felt horrible and ashamed.  It was an accident, he hadn’t meant to drop the child so forcefully.  What was Tony thinking of him now?

When he felt a tugging on his shirt the small bit of his body that still feared an attack almost lashed out, pushing whatever was touching him away, but he fought that urge just in time.  Tony was pulling up his shirt slightly to see the red area under it, the mark from where he had kicked dangerously close to the healing bullet hole.

“Oh.”  Tony said slowly.  He reached out and lightly touched the skin, softly running a finger over the area to sooth it without going too close to the bullet wound.

“I’m sorry, Tony.”  James said.  He was apologizing for dropping him, but also for taking him away from the first almost friend he ever had, for delivering him to Hydra as a baby, for separating him from his mother, and for ruining his life at every chance he had.

“Tony.”  The child said slowly.

James nodded.  “Yeah, that’s your name.  You’re a real person.”  He said.

Tony smiled at that, the last of the tears falling down his cheeks.  He wiggled closer, grabbing onto the front of James’s shirt and holding tightly.  James took it as his opportunity to hold the child.  If this was him being forgiven then it was perfect, he wouldn’t waste this, Tony would be alright.

“Do you want to go back for tea?”  James asked.

Tony shook his head.  “No.”

“Alright.”  He said, standing up and keeping the child in his arms.  “Let’s go.  It’s a long way to Africa and you need your rest.  I’m not sure when the next gas station is so we might have to walk in a little while.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, they'll be okay. I'm treating these boys right. :)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta reader showed some confusion with this so I thought I would just tell you guys here in the beginning because the next few chapters will take place in Iran. The time period at this point in the story is very early 1970s, before the Islamic Revolution. Therefore Iran in the 1970s was like a lot of places in the 1970s, women weren't required to be veiled, the country is having rapid economic development, and there isn't a strict dress code. So Iranians in the 1970s dressed in that awful fashion of the 70s. Hopefully this clears things up.

It was truly inevitable.  James knew that but somewhere in his mind he had hoped the time would never come.  They were out of China at this point, had left the country far behind, and now they were half-way through Iran.  It was a quiet enough country, but there were still cars and gas stations in every town and city they passed.

Tony was sick, he was a young child and it would have happened eventually, but it was still difficult.  James had both of their packs in the back seat and Tony in his arms with his flushed and warm face buried into his neck.  The child had climbed into his lap once they switched vehicles, whimpering so quietly that James almost couldn’t hear it.

“Are you feeling any better?”  James asked softly.  They were in the middle of nowhere, if the signs were correct then only a few more hours until they were in the capital city and could find a place to rest.

“No.”  Tony said.  The child’s voice was shaky and almost a whimper than an actual word.

It was just the common cold tearing through the child like a hurricane.  James wouldn’t have worried about it, children get sick and this was likely to pass soon.  What was disturbing though was what he noticed as he held Tony.  He was thin, much thinner than when he had taken him.  Regardless of everything he found that the child would drink- milk, juice, protein shakes, anything with enough calories or carbs that might bring up weight- it still wasn’t enough.  Tony needed food, something he would actually eat.

The other thing he noticed was how desperately Tony’s heart beat.  It was slow, every few seconds there was a flutter of beats that was out of rhythm.  Tony must have felt it, he kept one hand curled around James’s shirt and the other pressed against the front of his chest as if the broken beating of his heart was paining him.  Perhaps it was.

“Are you alright?”  James asked.  It was like this, every few minutes he would ask another question and Tony’s answer was always the same.

“Uh-huh.”  Tony said.

There it was.  Tony would say no, that he wasn’t feeling any better, but a few minutes later he would deny it and say he was feeling just fine.  It probably made sense in the child’s head, but it was simply frustrating for James.  He wondered if it was a behavior he had learned with Hydra. Like all the other ones, and just now he was adding vocals to it.  Hide sickness, no changes in how he felt.  James hoped Tony would unlearn it, he hoped he unlearned everything Hydra had been so keen to teach him.

It wasn’t likely.  If James kept telling Tony things were better, that he was free and safe and wouldn’t be punished then eventually Tony would trust that.  But there would always be those behaviors.  The ones he would carry with him forever.  Maybe he would learn to speak more fluently or not.  Maybe one day he would look up at the sky as if it had been there his entire life and not something that had never existed even in his wildest dreams before, or not.  Maybe he’ll learn to eat and sleep and smile and laugh, or not.

Perhaps James picked up too many negative traits as well.  He was suspicious, jumpy, confused.  He held the child too tightly, slipped between languages as often as his thoughts slipped between the past and the present.  He wasn’t even aware that it was happening, but sometimes Tony would respond to him and other times he just continued doing whatever it is the child seemed content in doing.  Would these traits and behaviors disappear with time as well or were they with him forever.

Tony’s hand lifted off of his chest to point out into the distance.  Tehran was a sight.  Normally James would try to avoid capital cities, too populated and loud and overstimulating, but it was in their direct path and they needed to restock supplies.  And Tony needed to rest.  To curl up in a warm bed and drink plenty of water and hopefully James could get him to eat something.

Tehran was beautiful, everyone walking around quickly in their bright clothing and bringing a sense of life that seemed oddly safe.  Hydra wasn’t colorful.  Hydra didn’t look like a rainbow in short skirts and hideous haircuts.  James instinctually ran a hand through his own hair. It was long, probably just as long as everyone else’s.  He needed to get it cut.

James drove to the other side of town, far from the bustling downtown and the crowds and the onslaught of colors and distractions.  It was quieter here.  The buildings were smaller, the colors still bright but there were fewer people walking around to cause it to be overwhelming.  In case they needed a quick escape then they would be close enough to the edge of town to get away.

Tony had fallen asleep on his lap with his face pressed against James’s chest.  They found a small hotel, nice and clean enough for him to trust it to be safe for his sick child but not nearly fancy enough to be too expensive.  The woman at the reception desk looked up at him as he carried Tony inside with the backpacks thrown over his shoulder.  Tony continued to sleep and the woman smiled as he sniffled loudly.

James did not understand her.  She spoke in soft, calming tones that he recognized as her trying not to wake the child, but the words were not ones he recognized.  This was probably inevitable as well, encountering a language he did not recognize.  Did that mean he never had a mission here?  That had to be a good thing, didn’t it?

“I’m sorry.”  James said slowly, pulling Tony closer against his chest.

The woman did not seem to understand him either, she was taken aback as her eyebrows drew together in confusion.  After a few moments the initial shock died down and she turned to call out for someone or something.  James’s arms tightened around the still sleeping child and took a step back.  This could be a trap, people could be waiting for them and his inability to speak whatever language it was she was using had tipped them off that he was here, an outsider who didn’t belong and now Hydra was here.

It wasn’t Hydra, it was a young boy.  He seemed innocent and non-threatening, his attention still focused on whatever it was he was leaving behind if the quick glance at the room he was leaving was anything to go by.  He stopped just in front of his mother and spoke in the same language that fell on James’s ears like the meaningless jibberish Tony had taken to.

“You want room?”  The boy asked.

James nodded.  “Yes.”  He said.

He could have found a place without speaking to anyone, an empty room here or an abandoned building somewhere else and could have left before anyone realized the place was occupied.  But he needed to stay, at least for a few days and dragging Tony from one abandoned place to another wouldn’t do him any good.  The child needed rest.  They needed to stay in a place where they wouldn’t have to worry about being found out.

The boy told him the price, repeating whatever the woman said in a language that James could understand.  He wasn’t sure if he had the money to pay for it, he hadn’t worried about money in a while.  He settled Tony more securely on his hip, the child whining loudly as a hand went up to rub at his eyes, and placed the bags on the floor so he could go looking for the money.

It wasn’t until he laid out the crumpled bills in front of the woman did he realize his mistake.  All of it was either American or Soviet currency.  James wasn’t sure why he took the Soviet money if he had no intention of staying long enough to be in need of it.  Still, it was the only money he had.

“Not good.”  The boy said.

“It’s all I have.”  James said.  The boy looked up at the woman and said something, probably repeating his words back to her.

“It’s not good.”  The boy said.

“Okay.”  James said.  He zipped up the bag and slung it back over his shoulder.

“Okay.”  Tony said, his voice much softer and he sounded out of breath even though he hadn’t moved in hours.

He turned around and headed back for the door when he heard it.  The resigned sigh of someone giving in.  The woman called out to him, the words not processing as something he recognized, and when James looked back at her she opened her arms.  She gestured to the child and James pulled him closer.  Tony whined again and the woman wiggled her hands to indicate that she wanted to hold him.

James didn’t want her to hold Tony, he didn’t want anyone touching him.  It wasn’t safe, the child was sick and frightened and he needed to take care of him.  The woman said something again, a smile widening across her face.  She didn’t look like she could do harm, she was thin and her body language did not suggest someone skilled enough to get close to hurting the child without him intervening.  James, very slowly, handed the child over.

Tony went into the woman’s arms simply enough.  He was no longer sleeping soundly and looked over to James in confusion as he was passed around, but then curled into the woman in search of warmth and comfort.  Her hands pressed against his face and rubbed along his back, her voice soft as she spoke to him.

“You can stay.”  The boy said, repeating whatever the woman had said to him.

“Okay.”  James said.

His hands were twitching, he was rubbing them together as he followed the woman into the elevator.  She continued to hold Tony, running her fingers through his hair as she kept speaking in a soothing voice.  Tony seemed to like it, he rested his head on her shoulder and closed his eyes.  He wasn’t asleep, but relaxed enough to remain calm.  His face was flushed pink and he sounded congested as he struggled through each breath.  It wasn’t good, the child was too sick.

The cramped space of the elevator seemed to close in on him, the cold metal almost freezing to the touch and the woman and boy too close to touching him.  Tony peeked over the woman’s shoulder to see him and smiled, his hands reaching out towards him as he tried to wiggle out of the woman’s grasp.  She understood and turned to hand Tony back to him.  He was still sick, his face hot to the touch and his movements sluggish, but it was comforting to know he would so willingly come back to him.

The woman was speaking quickly now, pausing every once in a while to allow the boy to translate in his awkward and slightly broken English.  He was to keep the room clean, breakfast was free every morning downstairs but if he chose to he would be allowed to have his own food in the room, if the child makes a mess he was responsible for cleaning it.  She said that they would be allowed to stay until Tony was well again.

“Okay.”  James said again slowly.  This didn’t feel right.  It was too simple, too easy.  He would have felt safer if he was actually capable of paying or if she had simply turned them away.  If it wasn’t money she wanted, the American and Soviet currency useless to her, then what did she want. “Thank you.”  He said as she handed over the key to the room.

The woman and the boy left, leaving James standing in the hallway with the bags and the key and the child.  He considered leaving, packing up and running away.  This was all wrong, things were not supposed to be this easy for them.  They could find somewhere else, steal more money and pay for a different room because at least then he could find comfort and safety in the knowledge that these people had gotten what they wanted.

Tony’s body trembled, he could feel the desperate flutter of his heart once more and a soft whimper escape from his mouth.  Tony was too sick to continue travelling, they needed to rest.  He reached out and slid the key into the door.

The room was simple, just a bed in a mostly empty room and an adjacent bathroom.  It would have been a fine place, but it wasn’t.  It was wrong.  James dropped his bags and reached for gun hidden in the waistband of his pants.  His hands were steady as he turned his body to shield Tony from the man standing at the window and stared at the intruder.  Of course it was a trap, nothing was supposed to be this simple for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who didn't read the notes at the beginning I'll repeat it. The time period at this point in the story is very early 1970s, before the Islamic Revolution. Therefore Iran in the 1970s was like a lot of places in the 1970s, women weren't required to be veiled, the country is having rapid economic development, and there isn't a strict dress code. Thank you for reading. If I still got anything wrong culturally (I wasn't alive in the 1970s so I may have gotten things wrong) feel free to tell me.


	23. Chapter 23

James didn’t shoot, he just stared at the man as he held Tony as tight as he could.  He would have to make a run for it.  Under different circumstances he would put Tony down and tell him to run while he fights off their attackers, but Tony was hardly awake and not well enough to run from anyone.  James would have to carry him.

That means he wouldn’t be able to fight, he would just have to run and hope that he was fast enough to get away.  He would not risk Tony getting caught in the crossfire.  He backed up slowly towards the door, his gun still pointed directly at the man by the window.

“Relax.”  The man said softly.  “I’m not going to hurt you.  If I had that planned I would have brought more agents.”

“I assume the building is surrounded.”  James said.  “I’m not going back.  We’re not going back.”

If he couldn’t get away he had to find a way to ensure Tony wouldn’t have to go back to them.  Back to the tables, needles, and demands that he stays silent while they do whatever they want to him.  He would not let his child become that again, he wouldn’t let Hydra turn this perfect little boy into a thing they could just mess around with whenever they wanted.  Another memory came in then.  Tony was smaller, so much smaller and James had to prop him up in the bath to clean away the blood.  He didn’t know where the blood had come from, but it was there.  They had been close, so close to Hydra and for a moment the soldier had wanted to drown Tony.

Maybe it would have been better if the child died before being handed over, he shouldn’t have survived so long outside of the womb anyway.  It would have been a kinder fate than whatever had happened to them.  James let the memory come and go, he could write it down later and remember what he had been so close to doing and be thankful that he didn’t.  Tony wouldn’t get hurt because of him.  He wouldn’t go back to Hydra.  They would get away and find somewhere safe and Tony would have a long and happy life, free and outside and safe.

“You can’t have him.”  James said.   He kept backing up until his back was against the door.  All he had to do was open it and run.  “He’s mine.”

“We’re not going to take your son from you.”  The man said, raising his hands into the air innocently.  “If that was the plan I could have found a much better way of doing that than standing in the open and waiting for you. I’m just here to talk.”

“No.”  James said.

“No.”  Tony muttered, repeating the word back to him as he peered over James’s shoulder to look at the man.

The man’s eyes zeroed in on Tony and James once again tried to twist his body to hide him from view.  He couldn’t get the door open, one hand was holding Tony close and the other had the gun pointing at the man.  He would have to put one down to turn the doorknob and he wouldn’t let go of Tony no matter what.

“We want to help.”  The man said.

“You want to lock us away.”  James said quickly.

“I want to stop that from happening.”

Being on the run would have been a lot easier if he didn’t have to worry about the child.  If it was just him he could have killed this man and anyone waiting to strike nearby, he wouldn’t have had to worry about maybe being surrounded, wouldn’t have had to choose between holding a child close and keeping the intruder away with a pointed gun.

“I’m here to help.  Not everyone you meet is going to hurt you.”  He man said.  “Your son looks like he needs a doctor.”

“He’s not-“ _my son._   James wanted to tell the truth, Tony wasn’t his son.  He wasn’t a father.  It was almost disrespectful to continue to let people believe that.  He didn’t get to rob a man of his wife and child and then call himself the father.  “He needs to rest.  He needs to eat.”

“So give him something to eat.”  The man said.  He sat and leaned against the window sill, crossing his arms in front of him.  His body language wasn’t dangerous, wasn’t tense and ready to attack.  It was relaxed and not once did he try to close the distance between them.

“He won’t eat.”  James said.  “I give him something and he just stares at it.  He doesn’t know what it means.”

The man hummed softly.  He stood up straighter, the edges of his mouth turning down into a frown.  James held the gun tighter, straightening his arm and keeping it as steady as possible to keep his aim.  Tony wiggled against him and his hands reached out to stretch over his head.  His body was still trembling, in his small form it almost seemed he was going to shake until he fell apart.

“He needs a doctor.”  The man said.

“You’re going to take him from me.”  James said.  He tried to keep his body steady, but he could feel the tremors start to tear through him.  It wasn’t fair.  He had been _so_ careful in making sure no one was following them, in trying to keep them both hidden, while still giving Tony enough to keep him happy.  Now here he was, stuck between running and standing his ground.  Stuck with the choice of dropping Tony to fight or the gun to run away.  “You can’t take him from me.  I just got him back.”

“I’m not going to take him from you.”  The man said.  He took one step, just one small step closer, and James’ whole body tensed as he held the gun out.  He hadn’t been aware that the gun was lowering and aim going away from the target; he needed to stay focused.  He wouldn’t let them take Tony back.  “I just want to help.  You have quite a history.  We don’t know much about you other than a very thin file of assassinations noted to you.  If you’re willing to give us information then I can help you and your boy.”

James didn’t believe him.  No one wanted to help them.  He held Tony close, the child whining as he squeezed just a bit too hard.  He didn’t let up though.  Whether this ended in a fight or them running he needed to make sure Tony was close and safe.

“Who are you?”

“You can just call me Nick.  I’m an agent for SHIELD.”  He said slowly.  “We help people.  If what we think about you is correct then maybe we can help you too.”

“What do you think about me?”  James asked.

“That whoever you’ve been working for is using you and now that you have your kid back you’re trying to get away.”  Nick said.

James didn’t respond, he just looked down at Tony.  The child was pulled against his chest, his head resting on his shoulder and his fingers pulling at the fabric of his shirt.  Tony didn’t seem scared or panicked, he was just tired.  His eyes were lidded and the bright pink flush of his cheeks hinted at the heat radiating off of his skin.

“He can’t go back to them.”  James said slowly.

“We won’t let him.  It’s all worked out, you give us information and then we can get your child medical attention.  Once everything is done you’re free to go.”  Nick said, crossing his arms and going back to leaning against the window sill now that it was clear James wouldn’t allow him to approach.  “We want to know who’s after you, what they made you do, and how you managed to get away now.”

It was a lie.  James knew it was a lie because he remembered SHIELD.  Filed away in his head there was SHIELD, run by Director Margaret Carter, a target.  He knew that because he was sent to kill her when he had run off to find Tony.  Perhaps that was why SHIELD wanted them, she wanted Tony to ensure her own survival. She wanted James locked away and hidden where he would never be able to hurt anyone ever again.  She wanted to take Tony away.

No one was going to take Tony away from him. Tony was his.  His child, for him to protect and take care of after all the damage he had caused handing him over to HYDRA.  Tony’s heart was beating out of tune, his breathing slightly labored, he needed to rest.  The child was still sick and he couldn’t go with SHIELD.  Tony couldn’t go with any organization, not anything willing to get involved with this mess.  If they were in any way related to HYDRA then Tony wouldn’t be safe with them.

“No.”  James said.

“No.”  Tony repeated quietly.

Nick frowned, tension returning to his body and he no longer appeared relaxed and non-threatening.  He seemed vicious, ready to strike and rip things away.  James saw movement outside of the window, across the street there was just the brief flash of light as a sniper took aim.  James shielded Tony, ready for the battle that was no doubt inevitable at this point.

“I’m sorry.”  Nick said.  “We do want to help you, but this would have been easier if you cooperated.”

James didn’t like it, not having choices.  He wasn’t going to go back to that, to the harsh and cruel world where they gave him the false reality of choice.  Freedom wasn’t really freedom when he was going to be shot for not submitting.  James dropped the gun.  If he shot Nick then the other agents surrounding them would just open fire and Tony would get hurt.  So he watched as it fell from his grip, counting the seconds as his now free hand darted behind him and grabbed the doorknob, turning it and pushing his way out the door as a gunshot rang out.

It wasn’t a bullet, which wasn’t knowledge that put him at ease.  It was a dart and it dug into his arm as the door swung shut behind him.  Tony cried out, his screams shrill he tried to hide his face away in James’s shirt.  The loud crack of gunfire must have scared him, had pulled him out of the haze of illness just enough to bring out his screams.  He had to get away.  He couldn’t let these people train Tony back into silence.

James barely made it down the hallway.  He was a fast runner, but they truly were surrounded.  The second dart was fired from the stairwell. James had been running for it to escape but once the door opened he pivoted his body away and curled protectively around Tony.  It hit him in the neck and this time James felt the effects start to overwhelm him.  It covered his mind in a blanket thick enough to stop most of his thoughts from going very far.  It was a familiar feeling, like when he woke up fresh and new and empty, his body still vibrating from residual electricity.

These drugs seemed to shut everything down. The third dart went into his leg.  Even though he had stopped running he was still conscious.  James couldn’t move as the agents rushed forward, couldn’t stop them from pulling the screaming child from his arms.  He wanted to fight them away, to kill each and every one of them.  He couldn’t let Tony go back to there, couldn’t let him be tied down again.  He would rather die than let Tony get destroyed on one of Hydra’s tables, with nothing but needles and scalpels and forced silences.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of you guys expect the worst from me. Like it's a bit hard being the optimistic one here. i'm sure everything is fine.

It was the metal constraints that James noticed first, holding his arms down and keeping him secured to the soft bed.  His body instinctually relaxed, all of his muscles unclenching as they prepared for the beating or electricity that would no doubt come soon.  It was the bed that captured his attention next, soft, plush, and comfortable.  Hydra had never cared about whether or not he was comfortable.

He opened his eyes and took in his surroundings.  It was clean, the air conditioned room fighting back the heat from the outside.  They were still in Iran from what he could tell outside the window. Hydra had never let him have windows.

James jerked forward, his body straining against his binds because he realized it was quiet.  Tony wasn’t here.  He was alone in an empty room with nothing and Tony had been taken away.  James couldn’t see him, he didn’t know where the child was.  The last time he let people take Tony away from him James had woken up to find him older and terrified.

How much time had gone by at this point?  How had Tony changed?  The child probably wouldn’t even recognize him anymore.

“How are you feeling?”  Nick said.  He walked into the room and went up to the window.  He stared down at the streets below, a small frown pulling at his face as if something out there worried him.

“What year is it?”  James asked, his voice shaking.

He remembered.  He had so many fractured pieces still in his head.  He didn’t know whether to be relieved or worried that he hadn’t been wiped yet.  After struggling for so long to get things back he didn’t trust his notebooks to keep the memories for him.  He would read them, understand them, but they wouldn’t be his like they are now.  It was good that he still had his memories, he was still a real person if he knew what he had done.  But if they didn’t wipe him then it meant he knew something important, something they wanted to know.

It was probably about Tony.  Hydra was always curious about the damage they could do to another person.

“It’s 1974.”  Nick said.

“Oh.”  James said.  He wasn’t sure if it had been 1974 when they were captured.  It might have been, Tony might still be young.  He might actually remember James still when they escape again.

“Sorry that it had to be this way.  You’re dangerous and weren’t cooperating, but we do want to help you.”

James kept his eyes open, even though he avoided looking at his captor he could still track him from the edges of his vision.  He could see the man turning to look at him, his body tense and his stance defensive.  He couldn’t blame the man for being frightened, if James wasn’t being held down by thick metal clamps then he would have killed him already.  He would have killed everyone here until he found his boy again.

“We know there are people after you.  We are willing to offer you and your son protection in exchange for information.”  Nick said calmly.  “If you tell us everything we need to know about your former employers then we’ll set the two of you up with fake identities, fake histories, and a safe place to settle down.”

“Where is he?”  James asked.  He was somewhere; they had taken him away.  “What did you do with him?”

“He’s with a doctor.  He was very sick.”  Nick said.  He moved closer to James and sat down near his bed.  “It’s strange though, he was screaming and crying the moment you went down.  Poor little guy tried to fight us off, kicking at us as we held onto him.  We thought he was going to be a problem but the moment we sat him down with a doctor he was completely still and silent.”

James tried to pull out of his bindings again.  Tony was alone and had slipped back into his silence.  He couldn’t let that happen, not now that he was finally speaking his short words and fumbled mess of sounds.  These people were going to ruin that, they were going to undo all of the progress he had made.

“We’ve been following you the past few months since the massacre at that hotel in Alaska.  We understand you were attacked?”  Nick said.

James stopped trying to pull his arms out of the metal holding them in place and paused.  “Months?  How many months?”  He asked.  It didn’t sound right.  It had to have been just a few weeks at most.

“Three.”

Three months was a lot longer than what he felt had been the actual amount of time since the attack.  That only represented going from that hotel in a small Alaskan town to here in Iran.  How many months had it been since they escaped from that facility in New Jersey?  How long has Tony been with him?  So much could have happened in that time that he may have missed.  Time was missing, it wasn’t flowing like it was supposed to, and his head was missing so much.

“How long have I been asleep?”  James asked, he voice was shaking as he tried to pull at his bindings once again.  He needed to get out.  He had to see Tony and make sure he was still the same.

“Two days.”  Nick said.

“I need to see him.”  James said quickly.  “Where is he?”

“He’s with the doctors.”

“Bring him to me.”  No matter how hard he tried to pull free, he couldn’t.  His body was at such an awkward angle, pinned down by the metal clamps with so little wiggle room that he couldn’t get the leverage he needed to pull free.  He was strong enough to pull free, he just couldn’t get his grip right.  James could rip cars to pieces, punch through walls, he had shattered bones and metal as if they were glass, he should be able to get out of these metal cuffs holding his arms and legs down to the bed.

“I can’t do that.”  Nick shook his head.

A soft whimper escaped from his mouth and once again he tried to get out of his bindings, no longer caring what damage he could do to his arms.  He needed to get out and find Tony.  He was somewhere close by and he had to make sure he wasn’t being harmed.

Nick sighed.  “You’re going to have to give me something here.  A lot of people I work with don’t think you’re the best option for the child, they think the boy would be safer with someone else.  If I’m going to convince them to let you see him then I’m going to have to have something to show for it.”  He said calmly.  “Tell me what I want to know and I’m sure I can get you in to see your kid.”

James could feel his whole body shaking.  He didn’t know what to do.  In his head he knew all of the time was there, he could piece together all of the moments from when they had escaped to this very moment, but it didn’t seem like months.  And now he was missing another two days.

Tony certainly wasn’t the same scared little boy he was when they had first escaped, and those sorts of changes had to take time, but it all had happened so fast for him.  How much could Tony change in just two days?  He might find him again and all the progress they had made would have been undone.

“Okay.”  James said quickly.  “Okay, yeah.  I’m good at following orders.  I can help.  Just don’t take him away from me.”

Nick didn’t smile, he didn’t even reply to James’ agreement.  If anything, he seemed worried.  His eyebrows furrowed as he watched James with eyes that seemed to break him apart.  It was as if he was trying to decide whether or not James was trustworthy.

He wasn’t.  Once they let him out of his restrains and he saw Tony with his own two eyes he would kill all of them.  These people were never going to let them go.  He would give them just enough to see Tony and then he would get away.  He needed to see Tony.

“Please don’t keep him from me.  He’s mine.”  James said softly.  “He’s mine, I have to keep him safe.”

“Who do you work for?”  Nick asked.

James took a deep breath.  This could be a trick.  It was definitely a trick.  Either a lie to get him to betray his handlers and bring about punishment or to pull information out of him with no intention of giving his child back.  This wouldn’t work out for him either way.  Still, he would choose Tony over himself any day.

“Hydra.”  James said, taking a deep breath to try and calm his shaking voice.

Nick raised an eyebrow.  “Hydra was destroyed.”

James shook his head and let out a soft laugh.  “No.”

As hard as he tried to steady his breathing it didn’t help.  His hands shook the hardest, he could do nothing but open and close them in an attempt to hide the tremors.  He needed to get out, he didn’t want to be held down anymore, not ever again.  He had to get away.

“Okay.”  Nick said slowly.  “And what kind of work did you do for them?”

James looked over to him.  The man was young, late twenties or early thirties.  If the year really was 1974 then the man probably had been born just after the war ended.  The big war from when he was still a young man himself and very much a real person.  Still, even as a young man he had to be smart enough to know what he did for his handlers.

“I didn’t want to do it.  I did what I was told.”  James said.  “I’m good at following orders.”

“Yeah, you mentioned that.”  Nick said as he leaned back in his chair.  He crossed his arms and gave James a hard look.

“They sent me to kill Peggy Carter a few times.”  James said.  He didn’t want to beat around the bush, he wanted to get straight to the point and see his child.  Nick straightened in his seat at the information.  “I didn’t.”

“It’s obvious you didn’t.  If you’re good at following orders then why didn’t you kill her?”  Nick said.

James looked up at the ceiling.  It was clean, white tiling.  Not stone or concrete, it didn’t look damp or cold.  The sunlight shining through the window made it brighter.  He wasn’t with Hydra.

“I had to find Tony.  I had to get him back.  Do you have kids Nick?”  James asked.  Nick didn’t answer, didn’t even move.  “Well, Tony is special.  He gets all the bad out of my head.  He gets Hydra out.  He makes me feel like I’m not all bad, like there’s something good left in there that hadn’t gotten stomped out just yet.  Please don’t take him from me.  I need to protect him, I need to take care of him. Why won’t you people leave us alone?”

James didn’t know what was happening to him.  He had never felt this broken before.  Absolutely torn apart and all the emotion and pain he didn’t realize was there was not pouring out of him.  Hydra would burn it away, lock it all back inside so he was nothing more than a puppet with no memories and no feelings.  He couldn’t let them have that chance, he needed to get Tony and run.

“We’re going to need a more thorough interview.”  Nick said calmly, his eyes analyzing as they looked over James.

“Okay.”  He said.

“I’ll see if I can get my superiors to let you see him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, fine.  
> Anyway. Short notice but my birthday is on the 6th (3 days) and I'm super selfish and in need of constant validation so if anyone wants to give me presents, like headcanons for this thing I write or art or just nice comments, then I'm 100% enthusiastic about that.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the birthday wishes!!! Sorry I haven't gotten around to answering your comments, it's been one hell of a week.

James did get to see Tony, just not in the way he had hoped.  He was still restrained, the metal clamps holding him down as several agents wheeled in a tv screen and a static image filled the screen.  It was security footage of Tony, he was sleeping in a bed too large for his small frame and wires and tubes dipping under his blankets to attach to his body.

“What are you doing to him?”  James asked coldly, his whole body going tense at the sight of Tony.

“Nothing.”  Nick said.  “He’s resting and getting nutrients.  You were right, even when we give him food he refuses to eat it.”

James let his eyes focus on the distorted image on the screen.  He couldn’t make out the finer details of Tony’s face, he couldn’t tell if his expression was pinched with pain and discomfort from sickness, or relaxed and peaceful with sleep.  Tony made so many faces, James was disappointed he couldn’t see which one he had now.  However, he did see the tube.  It was hooked up to a nearby machine and led straight to Tony’s face, disappearing somewhere around his nose.  James knew what they were doing.  Tony wouldn’t eat, they had to get him nutrients.

“Hydra used to do that.”  James said slowly.

“Do what?”  Nick asked.

“Stick the wires into him.  I promised no one would do that again.”  He said.  He felt his body trembling, spiders running under the surface of his skin and making him want to claw them out.  “He’s going to hate me.”

Nick sighed.  “He’s a child and you’re his father.  You guys will be fine.”  He said calmly.  James didn’t have the heart to deny the statement.  If they let him see Tony then he would be anything to the boy.  “Can you give us any details on what Hydra may have done?  We’ve been getting rather concerning medical reports.”

James stared wide eyed at the screen.  Tony wasn’t moving and still fast asleep under the blankets; he was just a small bundle on a bed far too large for him.  James didn’t know what could possibly be wrong with him, just that he wasn’t eating enough to stay healthy.  Tony wasn’t eating anything really.  How could he possibly take care of his child when he couldn’t even get the boy to eat?

“What kind of reports?”  James asked.

“Well, the major short-term issue is that he seems to be having some kind of reaction.  It’s similar to a drug withdrawal, but unless you’ve been giving him anything the past few months then he shouldn’t be experiencing it so late after the two of you got away.  It doesn’t make sense.”  Nick said.  He turned to look at James, his eyes narrowed as he looked him over carefully.

“I didn’t drug him.”  James said coldly.

“Alright.  It’s still concerning.”  He said.  “The long-term issue is that Tony’s body is burning energy faster than he can replenish it.  The past few days we’ve been giving him over the amount of calories and nutrients someone his age and size would need and it’s still not enough.  Any idea what is happening?”

“We have a deal, right?  I talk and you put us in the same room?”  James asked.  He wouldn’t say anything important.  He had no idea what was going on with Tony, no clue what fucked up things Hydra did to that child, but if he could just be brought into Tony’s room he could get them both away from here.  If he could get the metal clasps off of his wrists then he could move again and kill everyone who tried to hide Tony from him.  He would snap Nick’s neck with his bare hands if he had to.

“That wasn’t the agreement.  You tell us everything we need to know and then SHIELD helps you.  You don’t get to decide what that help was.”  Nick said.

James turned his full attention back to the screen.  Tony was so calm there, sleeping soundly and appearing not at all concerned with what was going on.  They had to get away.  Help from SHIELD was no help at all.  They could decide that helping them was locking him away somewhere dark where he would never see the child again and then tying Tony down to a table to resume Zola’s experiments.

This was Hydra.  They were the same, they were doing exactly what Hydra had done to Tony; forcing tubes and wires and needles into him and leaving him alone in silence.  They didn’t hold him or talk to him or let him run around and play.  He was a child, he didn’t deserve this.

“I want to see him, I need to be in there with him.  Tony will do better if I get to see him.”  James said softly.  He had to get in there and hold Tony.

“I am not authorized to allow that.”

“Then become authorized!”  James yelled.  Tony needed him, the child was alone.  James couldn’t let him be alone again.  “I won’t help you until you give me my boy back.  He needs to know I’m still here.”

He was going to kill them.  All of them if he had to just to get back to Tony.  They needed to get to Africa.  Then they would have a whole continent with no Hydra; one of the largest continents in the world just open for them to explore.  They could find someplace quiet and empty to explore.  Tony could run in as many open fields as he likes with as many other children as he can befriend.  There was somewhere out there where they could be safe.

“You’re going to have to give me something to offer.  If you’re not cooperating then we can’t give you what you want.  I hear there’s talk of putting the child in protective custody.  The director herself said she wanted the child safe.  If you’re not safe then he’ll be sent somewhere else.”  Nick said calmly, his features carefully molded into something that almost seemed disinterested.  “You help us and I can help you.”

James would take great pleasure in slitting this man’s throat and watching him bleed out onto the floor.  He gave another experimental tug on his restraints and huffed when he couldn’t get enough leverage to move.  It was thick, strong metal and James would need to be in just the right position to pull himself out.  But he couldn’t get his feet under him from where they were held down and he couldn’t get enough force to push forward.  He was pinned.

“Alright.”  He said after a brief moment.  “But I don’t know much.  I don’t know anything.”

“Even something small might be helpful.”

“I remember there was a building.  It was cold outside and cold inside and there were girls lined up along the walls.  They were waiting.  My handler was standing in front of me, talking to them.  I don’t know what he said.  No one had given me orders yet besides just to stand at attention and wait.”  James said softly.  It didn’t seem like an important memory.  Just something lurking in the back of his head that scratched at the surface.  “I trained them.  They were for something important.  A lot of them didn’t make the cut, I either killed them when they couldn’t fight me off or outrun me or they had to kill each other.”

Nick still didn’t look interested, his features were flat and hard as he looked James over carefully.  “And where was this?”  He asked.

Russia, it was in Russia.  James wasn’t going to say that though.  He wasn’t going to say anything more to this man.

“I don’t know.”  He said slowly.  “Maybe something will trigger my memory after you get the authorization to give me my child back.”

There was a short pause before Nick sighed and stood up.  He didn’t say anything, didn’t even look back at where James was still cuffed down to the bed as he walked out of the room.  He tried to force himself to calm down.  He had to just wait, they would make a mistake sooner or later and he would get out and get to Tony.

There was movement on the television screen.  The small bundle of blankets rolled over and Tony lifted his head to look around.  He seemed so small, especially on the tiny screen of the tv, and fragile as he reached a single hand up to poke at the wire going up his nose.  A nurse appeared from the edge of the screen and pulled his hand away, her lips moving as she said something to the boy.  Whatever it was, it caused Tony to go completely still and hid his hands under the blankets.

James watched, his whole body growing tense as he tried to decide if Tony looked scared or tired in the pixels that made up his face.  It was hard to tell, but based on the child’s body language he settled on both.  Tony was scared, going still every time a nurse or doctor walked too close to him with a look of resignation as he lowered his head and just let them go on about their business.  Not once did Tony open his mouth to tell them ‘no’.  James knew that Tony could say that word, but he just wasn’t speaking anymore.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I'm garbage.

James kept his eyes closed, focusing on the sounds rather than what he could see.  There were people walking around outside his room.  It was easy to recognize people based on the sound of their footsteps. He knew when Nick was close by, knew when the nurses would come to make sure James was fed and clean since he was too dangerous to be unshackled from the bed.  He could hear the traffic outside, the civilians passing by, and knew that if he was able to get Tony and get out they could disappear into the crowd.

Another advantage to keeping his eyes closed was that everyone automatically assumed he was asleep.  Nick couldn’t come back to interrogate him when he was too asleep to hear him.  He would still try even though James insisted he would remember nothing more until Tony was brought back to him.

He heard it before they even made it to his room.  Nick’s strong, heavy steps followed by the soft patter of someone small walking on too short legs.  His body tensed at the sound, trying to distinguish whether it was just a random kid here or if it was his Tony.  James never put much thought into the unique sounds of footsteps before, never looked for a special familiar sound until this moment.  He was so focused on trying to tell if it was Tony that he didn’t notice they were at his door until he heard it flying open.

“Oh.”  Tony said, his arm held gently in Nick’s hand as they stood at the door.

James would have sat straight up if he could, if his arms weren’t held down he would reach out to the boy and pull him close.  He had to hold Tony, had to keep him close and safe and far away from all of these people.  Tony seemed to want to go to him as well as he struggled to pull his arm out of Nick’s hold.

“Stop it.”  Tony said, his voice soft and quiet and barely heard at all.  He yanked one more time, his arm slipping out of Nick’s hand and the shift in balance causing Tony to fall to the ground.  Before Nick could bend down to pick him up, Tony was on his feet again, scrambling to the edge of the bed and trying to pull himself up.

It took him a few minutes, the bed too high for Tony to climb up easily and he shouted every time Nick stepped forward to reach out for him, either to take him away again or help.  James wasn’t sure, but he didn’t want him touching his child again.

“Hey, Appa.”  Tony said softly, clinging to James once they were together again.

“He hasn’t uttered a single sound since we got him.  We were starting to think he couldn’t, but he talks for you apparently.”  Nick said as he took a step back and crossed his arms.  His eyes stayed on Tony and James, never once looking away from them.

“He’s scared.”  James said.  Tony plopped down on James’ chest, tucking his head under his chin and curling his hands into his shirt.  “Uncuff me.”

“No.”

“I just want to hold him.  He’s mine.  I have to hold him.”  James said.  Nick didn’t move, didn’t listen.  He was only giving him this small moment with the kid before taking him away again.  He knew they were going to take Tony from him, they wanted so much information and were giving him just enough to cooperate.  “How is he feeling?”

Tony felt warm still, where his head was resting against James’ neck.  He could feel the child’s mouth moving in silent words he didn’t want to speak. Probably just more gibberish, practicing how to speak without making a sound.  James needed his arms back, needed to hold Tony as tight as he could and protect him from these people.

“He’s doing a bit better.  They had to drastically increase his calorie intake and after that his temperature went down and his heartrate evened out.”  Nick said slowly.  “He’s still too hot and his heart is too slow, but not dangerously so.  The doctors are thinking of putting him on medication.”

“No.”  James said immediately.  “I’ll kill you if you do.”

He didn’t care how flat and cold his voice came off as, how void of any emotion he seemed.  James would kill every last one of them if they started pumping Tony full of drugs.  He didn’t trust these people, they were Hydra with different names and faces.  They only wanted to tie them both down and do whatever they wanted to them.

“His heartrate is too slow.  For a child his age it should be much faster.  Either we give him medications to handle it or it’ll get worse.”  Nick said firmly.

“His heart his fine.”  James said.  He wished his hands were free, he would wrap his arms around Tony and hide him away so that this man could no longer see him.

“No, it isn’t.”  Nick said.

Tony wiggled a bit, getting comfortable on James’ chest and yawning softly.  One of his hands curled so tightly into James’ shirt that he was sure if Nick tried to take him away now there would be a fight.  James couldn’t get enough leverage to break through his bindings, when he tried to pull on the metal clasps holding his hands in place his back pressed against the bed too awkwardly to put much strength behind it.  If Tony decided to be difficult, and fight Nick when he tried to take him away, then James wouldn’t be able to come help him.

James closed his eyes and leaned his head back.  He would know if Nick took a step closer, he would be able to hear it clearly, but for now he just wanted to take in the feeling of having Tony resting on his chest.  The child was safe and alive and so damn close he was sure he would die when he was taken away again.

“Tell us about Hydra.”  Nick said.

“No.”  Tony said softly, opening his mouth to answer for him.  James smiled when he heard Nick scoff and his weight shift from one foot to the other.

“Okay, just let him stay for a little while longer.”  James said.  Nick didn’t answer so he took that as agreement.  “They wanted control.  They took Tony from me when he was a baby, tied him down and pumped him full of drugs.  You can’t do that to him again.”

He would kill them.  Rip them apart with his bare hands if he had to because the only thing separated him from actually holding his boy were those metal cuffs and if they took him away and hurt him then not even those would keep these people safe.

“There were Russians.  A whole bunch of Russians working for them.  There was a doctor I remember, people who trained me, and a group of Russian girls they were preparing for something.  I told you about that.  I don’t know why it’s important, but those girls are deadly.”  James said, opening his eyes to look over to Nick.  “I don’t know what they’re doing with them, but I would be scared.  I trained them myself.”

“And we captured you.”  Nick said, gesturing towards him.  “You’re imprisoned.”

“For now.”  James said.  Nick rolled his eyes and took a step forward, reaching out for Tony.  “No, not yet.  I’m not finished yet.”

As if sensing the danger Tony rolled away so he was no longer on James’ chest but instead curled up around his side with James between him and Nick.  The child was scared of him, probably scared of everyone in the building, the whole situation reminding him too much of all the terrible things that have happened and could happen again.

“They are enhanced.  Hydra has a serum.  A few serums actually, all different just so they could see what sort of corruptions they could force on a person.”  James said.  That had to be important, Nick would want to know that.  “A whole bunch of vials of different poisons ready to bastardize someone’s DNA.  Zola liked doing that, liked corrupting people just to see how much he could hurt them.  The girls were enhanced, a bunch of Russians raised to kill with a super soldier’s capabilities.”

Nick did seem interested in this information, his whole body tense and his gaze firm and focused on him.  “How many?”  He asked.

“I don’t know.”  James said.  “They had a whole lot of experiments to run on people, all of them reacting differently.  I don’t even remember most of what happened to me.  I just got an arm out of it.”

“I need to know who they were experimenting on and who they enhanced.”  Nick said coldly.  He took another step forward, stopping at the edge of James’ bed and staring down at him.

“I don’t know, could have been anybody.”  James said.

Tony wiggled around more, his feet kicking at the metal clasp on James’ arm and one of his hands curling into his long hair.  It would hurt if they tried to pull him away, but if this was how he wanted to hold on then he would allow it.

“That’s all I know.  I wasn’t someone they told things to, I was the weapon they pointed in a direction to be fired.  That’s all I know.”  James said.  It didn’t matter if he knew anything else or not.  Nick wouldn’t let him keep Tony, SHIELD was going to take the boy away.

“I’ll speak with my superiors about what’s going to happen to the two of you.  We appreciate the cooperation.”  Nick said.  He reached out for Tony, James’ body tensing in preparation for when the man would grab onto him and drag him away.  Instead he froze, his hand lingering in the air for just a moment a few inches from the child’s arm before he turned on his heel and walked out without a word.  Tony stayed exactly where he was, curled up next to James where he could be safe.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S/O to tumblr user [liljeconvallaria](http://liljeconvallaria.tumblr.com/) for drawing me beautiful fanart for this fic.
> 
> It's absolutely amazing.

James couldn’t sleep.  He was certain the moment he closed his eyes someone would come in and take the child from him.  Tony had tucked himself into the small space between James’ body and where his arm was clamped down, burrowing into him like an animal seeking warmth and safety.

Tony was asleep; his breathing and heartrate slow, he hadn’t moved in over half an hour, and James could make out a soft snore every once in a while.  That was good, the child was still getting over his illness and he needed all the rest he could get.

No one bothered them for some time.  It was their one respite together, no agents or strangers coming to bother them.  James wasn’t foolish enough to think it would last, but at least he had this moment of being absolutely certain Tony was alive and well.  If they took him again they could kill him, send him away, tie him down and shove the needles into him again.  James wouldn’t allow that, Tony would not have to go back to that.

He didn’t notice right away, when Tony exhaled.  There was always a short pause before he took another breath, James didn’t realize there was anything wrong with this one until the seconds continued to tick by without a sound.  He jerked quickly, unable to twist his arm and shake Tony awake, a shout rising up inside of him as he was about ready call the nurses and agents here to get Tony breathing again.

James’s body twitched in a desperate attempt to shake Tony awake.  To his surprise, it worked.  Tony rolled over, inhaled deeply, and blinked his eyes open as he looked up at James with a soft frown.

“No.”  Tony said softly, one hand going up to curl into his hair and the other rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  “Stop it, Appa.”

“You did that on purpose.”  James said.  He was relieved, Tony was breathing just as he was supposed to.  He let his head fall back onto his pillow, the tension draining out of him as he heard Tony huff in annoyance and yawn.

The child moved to sit up, his balance thrown off and his eyes still droopy from sleep.  Tony blinked slowly as he looked around the room, a look of confusion settling over his face as he took in the pale white walls and the florescent lights.  He paused completely when he saw the metal clamps holding his hands and feet down.  He didn’t move to touch them, didn’t even look at them for too long before letting his eyes wander again.

“How are you feeling?  You’re sick.”  James said softly.

Tony’s cheeks were flushed a light pink and the rest of his face was clammy and pale.  He looked sick, but definitely better than he was when they were captured.  James wished he could reach out to him, hold him close to his chest and protect him from the people around them.  He couldn’t though, he couldn’t pull his arms out, if he was given just a little bit more room to maneuver himself then he could probably get the leverage he needed to break through.

James looked up as Nick came back into the room.  His whole body tensed, ready to beg and plead for him to give them more time.  It had only been a few hours, long enough for Tony to nap against him, it wasn’t enough time.  James needed to be sure that Tony was alright.  He wasn’t, he had stopped breathing just moments ago, Tony wasn’t healthy enough to be taken away from him just yet.

“They’ve made a decision.”  Nick said, walking up and taking a seat near the bed.

“Who?” James asked.

“My commanding officers have reviewed the case, the information you provided, and even consulted Director Carter.  You have to understand that this was out of my control.”  Nick said slowly.  He clasped his hands in front of him and leaned forward.  A strange thought popped into his head of Nick being an old man and sitting down with children to teach them a lesson in this same seated position.  It wasn’t a reassuring thought.  “The child will be sent into protective care, somewhere safe.  Probably someplace where they can make sure none of people you’ve warned us about can get to him.  You’ll be put into custody while they go through a further investigation.”

James felt cold, chills running down his back and through his chest.  He pulled on his bindings again, feeling only slight give in the metal, but not enough.  “You can’t do that.”  He said quickly.  He was frozen, he felt ice dig into every muscle in his body.  They couldn’t take Tony away from him again.  “Please, don’t do that.  He’s mine.”

Nick frowned, looking down at his hands as if to study them.  “They believe the safest bet is to put the child someplace where they can figure out what’s wrong with him and give him a chance at a normal life.  They think they’re giving you mercy as well, had things gone differently we would have decided to kill you.”

“If you take him from me and lock me away I swear I wi-“

Nick stood up quickly, James’ mouth snapped shut as he waited for the strike or the orders of silence or for his hands to close around Tony’s arm and drag him away.  He wouldn’t survive if they took his child from him again.  He wouldn’t make it.

“You’re a powerful man.  Long history of terrible things and it took us a team of twenty agents to even feel comfortable going after you.  Even then we had to pump you full of so many tranquilizers before you went down I thought we had killed you.”  Nick said slowly.  He walked up to the side of the bed and shoved his hand into his pocket.  “If we really cared about the boy’s wellbeing then it would be pretty obvious he does better with you.  He’s calmer, more relaxed, sleeping better.  I honestly don’t see a single reason to separate you two.”

“He stopped breathing.”  James said quickly.

“I saw nothing wrong.”  Nick said.  He pulled a small pill bottle out of his pocket and placed it on the nearest table.  “Nothing that isn’t going to kill him, at least.  But he is a child so it’s important he sees a doctor regularly.  Now the doctors are saying he just has a fever, the boy seems to have a strange immune system.”

James frowned.  Nick pulled something else from his pocket and held it tightly in his hand, hiding it from view.  Something was happening, Nick was getting too close and Tony about ready to drop off back to sleep.  It wasn’t safe.

“I like to think of myself as a good man, do you think of yourself that way?”  Nick asked softly.

“I don’t know.”

There wasn’t a right answer to the question.  If James said yes he would feel like he was lying, but if he said no then he would take Tony away.  He wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, Nick was after something that he was just digging around trying to get and James didn’t like that he was looking to James to get it.

“Let’s say that someone was willing to help you.  You seem dedicated to keeping your kid alive and safe and you want to get away from here.  If someone was to give you a chance to do that, then you would owe them and a man like you would have a lot to offer.”  Nick said slowly.

“I don’t kill people anymore.”  James said.  It was a lie, he never made the conscious decision to stop killing people and a motel room full of dead Hydra agents back in North America certainly stood against the claim, but he didn’t want to kill for this man.

“I’m not asking you to.  I’m just saying that, hypothetically speaking, if someone helped you then you would help them in the future.”  Nick said.  He opened his hand to reveal a very small, ordinary looking key.  He reached down towards James’ foot and unlocked it. 

With the one clasp opening up James was able to pull his foot free and plant it against the bed, using it as the leverage he needed to pull out of the other shackles.  With the force of his body coming free Tony was almost knocked from the bed, his eyes popping open as he nearly fell and called out as James caught him before he hit the ground.  He jumped to his feet, Tony in his arms at last, and backed away from Nick.

Nick took a step back as well, but his body relaxed and calm as he watched James.  “Now, in the event someone does help you escape, you would be indebted to them.  Do you think of yourself as a good man who repays his debts?”  Nick asked.  James just turned his body away, hiding Tony from view.  “The child needs medications to keep his temperature down and you should have him see a doctor regularly.  He’s better off with you.  We don’t even know what’s going on with him, can’t even get him to speak, but he warms up to you as if you were the only good person in the world.  You take him, keep him safe, and make sure he sees a doctor.  I’ll be in touch.”

“I don’t trust you.”  James said.

“That’s smart.  You probably shouldn’t.”  Nick said as he walked around the bed, taking slow and precise steps towards him.  “Now, I have a lot of big plans for the future, all of them revolving around me keeping my job and staying out of prison, but please don’t actually break anything.”

James didn’t move at first.  He was sure that if he pulled his fist back and then connected it to Nick’s face then he would be signing a pact with the devil.  Nick wanted something from him, wanted him to do something.  This whole organization was just like Hydra, full of people who wanted to take his kid away and saw him as nothing more than another asset.  It didn’t matter what Nick wanted him to do, he wasn’t cashing in on the debt today, just making sure James knew it was there.  This would all be an issue for another day.

“Can I ask you something?”  Nick said slowly.  James gave a short, quick nod.  “Were you being honest with me about Hydra?  About all their serums and attempts to create enhanced soldiers?  And Zola?”

“Yes.”  James said.

Nick sighed and looked over to Tony, still held tightly in James’ arms.  “Alright then.  Make it a good hit.”  He said.  “And I was serious about you taking that child to see a doctor.  I don’t care how far and how fast you need to run, that boy’s health is important.  He’s stable, getting better, but be careful.  I’m giving you this chance with your son, I will cash in on this debt.”

His fist connected hard against the side of the Agent’s head and he went down instantly.  He was still breathing, alive and well but would wake up groggy and in pain but with no further injuries.  Right now he just had to get out of the building, he would worry about everything else later.  He had to get his backpack before leaving, all of his memories stashed away in those books.  If James lost everything else in the world he had to make sure he had his memories and his child.

“Appa.”  Tony said, wiggling in James’ arms as the child stared down at Nick on the ground.

James glanced at the pill bottle sitting on the nearby table, his grip on Tony tightening slightly, and turned towards the door.  He would not drug his child.  No one would do a thing to Tony again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, we're only getting Bucky's view of the story so we're missing a large chunk of what's going on with Nick and Tony right now. So I'll summarize what you guys may have questions with based on your comments in the previous chapter.
> 
> POSSIBLE SPOILERS:  
> Is Nick releasing them to help them get away from Hydra or to help himself?  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I guess we'll find out.  
> Is there something going on with Tony? Yes.  
> END POSSIBLE SPOILERS!!
> 
> If you have more questions feel free to leave them in the comments and I might answer them depending on how spoilery they might be.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of you guys had similar questions, so I thought I would clear some of that up.
> 
> Peggy is running SHIELD, she is very busy and can't go on all the missions she approves. She's not there to see James and Tony. She gets delayed, summarized information after the events have already happened.
> 
> Tony is four years old.

There was a manic energy shooting through James.  He made his way down the hall quickly, his feet making no noise as they hit the tile floor.  He didn’t know where to start looking.  Tony was sitting on his hip, occasionally pointing at windows and doors and floor tiles as if they were exactly what he wanted.  They never held any relevance, Tony just wanted to point at them.

“Where is it?”  James asked softly, pressing his mouth to Tony’s forehead.  The child felt too hot.

He felt so lost, the white corridors and the large windows.  He had spent the past few days locked in a room, everything he had taken from him while being fed and cleaned under the watch of armed guards.  Other than that he was left alone.  He had no idea what was in this building, no knowledge of how many people were here, and he didn’t know where his book was.

All of his memories were in there.  Everything he knew about being a real person carefully written down along with Tony’s drawings and his binary messages.  James had to get that book back.  His life was in that book.  His humanity was in that book.

“Appa.”  Tony said, pointing up at one of the light fixtures.

James glanced up, taking in the soft golden tint of it before looking back down at Tony.  “Pretty.”  He said and turned down the quietest hallway.

It wasn’t difficult to avoid people.  They had taken his shoes from him, making his footsteps quieter and less detectable.  He would have to find shoes before they left the building, an injury to his foot if left unprotected would make it difficult to get away.  He would find shoes, but he had to find his book first.

There were so many memories that had wiggled into his consciousness while he was here that his fingers were itching to write down.  He remembered Steve drawing a picture of his mother on her way to the hospital for work and hung it on the wall like a prize.  He remembered meeting Dum Dum as they were marching, debating on who could drink the most in one sitting.  There was a time when he had to find antibiotics for the cut on Tony’s neck when he was taken from the womb and he had slipped the small baby into a produce scale to get his weight.  All of the memories were there, they just didn’t feel like they had a place in his life until he had documented them.

“Appa.”  Tony said again.  This time he pointed to the large windows towards the end of the hallways.

“No, we don’t have time.”  James said.

“Appa.”  Tony said, wiggling in his arms and continued to point.

James didn’t want to see the windows.  He had to find his book, had to get a pair of shoes, and had to get away from here.  He and Tony would be much safer once they were on their way to somewhere new.  Someplace far away from SHIELD and Hydra and the soviets.  There had to be a place where they could be a little bit safer.  Not safe entirely, but safer.

Tony started wiggling more, pointing and whining as he tried to get James to look back at the windows.  He pushed his feet against James’ chest and arms to try and get away, but he only held tighter.  Tony wouldn’t get away from him again.  He had just gotten him back, he wasn’t going to lose the boy again.

“Appa.”  Tony said.  His voice was high pitched, shrill as if he was going to start shouting again.  He would not tell Tony to be quiet, but the last thing they needed was the child’s crying bringing attention.

James turned on his heel and went back towards the windows.  Tony’s whines died down as he went back to pointing at the window.  It had been a while since he had seen outside.  They were still in Iran, which was good news.  It was a relief to know where he was, that they hadn’t been dragged back to the Soviet Union or the United States.  They were safer here.  Now all James had to do was find a vehicle and they could get away from these people.

He didn’t like just standing there.  They needed to escape.  James had to get away.  His priority was finding his book.  Tony tucked his head under James’ neck and started humming softly, a broken little melody that didn’t sound familiar and changed tune every few seconds.  It wasn’t good.  He could hear murmurs growing closer, the footsteps of agents heading in their direction.  They didn’t sound alerted, but half his mind was focused on Tony’s humming.  He needed to focus on their surroundings.

As he stepped away from the window, Tony went back to wiggling.  “Appa, no.”  Tony said.

James backed into a corner, tucking Tony closer to his side and waiting as the voices grew closer.  He had a plan.  It was risky and it was stupid, but it was the only thing he had.

As the agents came into the small area with the large windows that Tony desperately wanted to get back to, James took a moment to evaluate them.  Three of them, young men with shaggy haircuts speaking a language he didn’t recognize.  He pulled Tony closer, the child whining from discomfort, and the men turned towards the noise.

He punched the first one in the jaw, the man going down instantly as he slammed his foot into the second man’s chest, not enough force to kill but enough to keep him down.  James grabbed the third man by the throat, forcing him back and slamming him against the windows high enough that his feet dangled above the ground.

“Where is my book?”  James asked quickly.

The man stared at him with wide eyes.  He shook his head quickly, his feet scraping against the glass in desperation.  It didn’t matter, he had to find his book.  His life was in that book.  It wasn’t theirs to take.  James wanted to squeeze, his metal hand clamped tightly around the man’s throat.  It wasn’t fair, they couldn’t take this away from him again.

“Appa.”  Tony said slowly, his hands clinging to James’ shirt.

The man was gasping for a breath and James loosened his grip.  With the freedom to breathe again the man started rambling quickly, James didn’t understand a word of it.  He let go of his neck.  The man fell to the ground and arms and legs started flopping around lazily to try and push himself away from them.

“I want your shoes.”  James said.  He put his foot on the man’s chest to pin him down, but not pressing down enough to hurt him.  Tony wanted to get outside.  With his foot keeping the man down he reached out with his free hand and pulled off his shoes.  James didn’t have any socks, but these would have to do until they got away.

They were too big on his feet, fitting awkwardly and if he had to run he wouldn’t get very far with much speed.  Still, it would be enough to get him out of the building and protect him from any debris out in the city streets.  But he couldn’t leave yet, he had to find his book.

“Don’t worry, Tony.  We’ll leave soon.”  James said, adjusting so that Tony was higher on his hip.  The man was cowering in a corner, his bare feet tucked under him.  “We’ll leave soon.  Do you know where my book is?”

“No.”  Tony said.  He looked back at the windows and the three men, two unconscious and one tucked away in fear.  James didn’t turn around.  He kept rushing up and down the halls, ducking into corners and dark, silent rooms whenever anyone sounded like they were getting too close.  Tony was being mostly quiet.  He whined and he groaned just like James guessed all sick children did, but hardly said more than one or two words.

He had never spoken much before, but James was sure there had been more noises than this.  There was the meaningless rambles and random sounds and now it all sounded soft spoken and almost pained.  It was both infuriating and terrifying all at the same time.

An alarm started sounding just as James walked into the stairwell, guessing there was another floor his book could be kept on.  It was loud and shrill and bounced across the concrete walls of the stairwell.  Tony screamed along with it, his left hand shooting up to cover his ear while his right hand curled tighter into James’ shirt.  His face went red as he cried, wiggling in a desperate attempt to get free.

James went down, his feet taking each stair a step at a time in the awkward shoes, but still going quickly enough to get to climb the stair at a steady pace.  He wasn’t going to try for the exits, he had to get to the roof.  They knew he was out, they would come looking for him and there was no way he could get to his book with the place so heavily guarded.  He knew that if they caught him they would either recapture him or kill him trying to and Tony would be caught in the crossfire.  If not for the child still held securely in his arms then James would have considered it worth the risk to keep looking.  His book held his life, but that wasn’t worth putting Tony in danger.

One of the doors leading out of the stair well burst open before he could reach it, several agents rushing out with their guns raised.  James did the first thing he could think of, he turned his body so Tony was out of their sight and raised his metal hand to try and shield them.  The first bullet bounced off of his palm, the second swiped away by his forearm.  The third bullet never had a chance to leave the gun.  James was faster than they were and even without the use of one of his arms, he wouldn’t let go of Tony to fight, he was stronger than them.

He grabbed the gun of the closest man and forced it down so it pointed to the floor, James thrust his foot out to connect with the center of his chest.  The man sailed back at the force of the kick.  James curled his body around Tony to hide him away from their attackers as he ran forward and slammed the side of his body against the other gunman and smashed him against the wall.

They weren’t far from the roof.  Just a few more flights and they would be outside.  Once the agents were knocked away from them James took off running again, keeping Tony close and safe at his side.  The sunlight was almost blinding when they made it outside but he continued to run towards the edge.  The rooftop was flat and bare, not even a railing to stop him from leaping over the edge.  The nearest building was a few stories lower than the one they were currently in, the drop not far enough to hurt him as he rolled into the landing and then went back to running.  The next rooftop was a story higher and James had no difficulty climbing it.

Tony was clinging to him, his body wracked with quiet sobs.  With the sounds of the bustling city around them and the shouts and threats growing louder from their pursuers, it was hard to tell if Tony was making a sound at all. He was, when James tilted his head down to hear Tony he could just make out soft whispering of words he didn’t recognize and gentle cries.

Tony was scared.  James could understand why.  Half an hour ago he was napping and now there was gunfire and alarms and James was running along the rooftops in an attempt to escape.  Of course the child would be terrified, one hand still held tightly to James’ shirt and the other pressed over his left ear.

“I’m sorry.”  James said.  He pressed his lips against Tony’s forehead, frowning at the heat he felt there, and then started running again.  Tony was terrified, but they were outside now.  They were getting away.  Once James was able to get Tony as far away as possible from these people he would make it up to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has come to my attention that this story has passed 50,000 words. Such a milestone and wow, we're about 1/3 of the way through the story. Sorry for creating such a monster.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that they've gotten away and are back on the road, the next few chapters will focus on Tony and what might be going on. Maybe it's nothing????? Maybe things get a little weird and James gets very confused. Either way I'm sure things will be fine.
> 
> Anyway, here's another chapter. Tony and Bucky got away. They're fine.

Tony’s breathing evened out as they made it out of Tehran.  The noises and activity of the city died down and as James drove the stolen vehicle further west; Tony stayed curled up in his lap, one hand clinging to his shirt and the other still covering his left ear.  It hadn’t been difficult to swipe a car once they got away from SHIELD.  Cities were full of dark alleys and careless youth ready to turn their backs.  No one saw him as he took the car.  Tony fell asleep on his lap, scared and tired and refused to let James go again.

In turn, James didn’t dare let go of the child.  He kept his hand on his back for the entire drive out of the city and into the open countryside.  The heartbeat was slow, uneven, and had been all day.  There was a slight delay every third beat, compensated by the next two happening in quick succession.  It didn’t stop, even as Tony’s heartrate slowed as he fell asleep the off rhythm continued.

“Stop it.”  James whispered.

Tony didn’t answer, he just pressed his face against the front of James’ shirt and wiggled further into his lap.  The child was safe now, they were away from those people and no one was going to hurt Tony like that again.

There was a heat radiating off of him, James could feel Tony’s body temperature burning through his shirt and into his chest.  It was everywhere, where Tony’s head rested against James’ chest, pressing into the hand against the child’s back, swirling in the air around them.  If this was the sickness coursing its way through Tony’s small body then it seemed to be working hard on making sure nothing survived.  Tony was too hot, it almost hurt to hold him.

“Stop it.”  Tony said, his voice a soft whimper as he shrugged off James’ hand.  His fingers had been digging too deeply into his back to feel the staggered beating of his heart.  He rolled over into the next seat, his hands going up to rub his eyes.

“You need more rest.”  James said.  “You’re sick and sick children need to rest.  And to drink water.  Are you thirsty?”

Tony didn’t answer, he just stared out the window and pressed his head against the glass.  He didn’t look well, an almost vibrant pink blush was lingering in his face and running down his neck.  A soft white mist seemed to be twirling around the window, seeking out each crack that lead to open air.

Tony was shaking.  “Come here.”  James said.  He reached out, frowning as Tony pulled his arm away.  “Stop, it’s just me.  Now come here and let me see.”

He pulled over to the side of the road, his full attention going to the child.  Tony was burning hot, his temperature far higher than it should have been possible.  James ran his hands over Tony’s face and down his arms, looking for something to explain this.

Tony should be dead.  James understood few things, but he knew for a fact that Tony was burning too hot to even be alive.  It was too much for his flesh hand, almost too much for the sensors in his metal arm.  The child wouldn’t be able to stay like this for long.

“Stop it.”  James said.  He gripped Tony’s arms tightly, wanting to shake the boy.  “What are you doing?”

“Stop it.”  Tony repeated.  “Stop it, Appa.”

Tony reached up and pressed his hands into his own eyes as if to block out the sight of him, his face grimaced into a look of pain.  He leaned away from James.  Tony wanted to get away from him.  James let Tony slip out of his grip and slide further into the seat, curling up into a small ball and hiding his face away.

“What are you doing?”  James asked again.  His hands felt like they were shaking.  He knew what was happening.  Hydra had to be responsible for this.  They took his child and they corrupted him.  It what they always did.  “Did they do this to you?”

Tony didn’t answer, he didn’t even respond in any way to let James know that Tony had heard him.  The child just stayed curled up in the seat.  James had to get away, he couldn’t breathe.  The air around him was too hot and everything was too quiet now that they were outside the city.  They didn’t have time for this.  They had to get out of Iran, they had to get to Africa.  They had to be safe, James had to find a place to keep Tony where Hydra would never get him again.

“Stay here.”  James said.

He climbed out of the car, slamming the door behind him as he walked around the back of it.  His fist slammed into the trunk, denting the metal with ease and causing the car to jerk harshly as it tilted.  He didn’t hear Tony call out in a scream or a cry, but he stopped himself from doing it again.

It wasn’t fair.  They could run to any country in the world and he still wouldn’t be able to save Tony.  The child would die like this.  It was a miracle he hadn’t already.  There wasn’t a doubt in his head that Hydra had done something to Tony, changed something in his DNA to push him so close to burning out and also keeping him alive.  The child was in pain, whatever this was it wasn’t easy for him.  He didn’t understand why it hadn’t been an issue before.

Hydra had thousands of experiments, trying to get some version to work and create more soldiers.  None of them were every perfect.  Even James, who had the most refined version of a serum back when Zola had Schmidt to explain to him what Erskine’s serum was like and when he had unlimited resources and carefully kept records, didn’t have a perfect serum running through his veins.  Thousands of experiments and as far as he knew none of them had gotten it right and very few of them worked how they were intended to.

He walked back around the car, towards the passenger seat and pulled the door open to see Tony still curled up against the cushioning.  Tony’s skin felt like metal freshly pulled from a fire.  It was terrifying.

“Tony.”  James said slowly.  The child didn’t move.  “Come on, I need to talk to you.”

As quickly as he could he grabbed onto Tony by the shoulders and pulled him into a sitting position, removing his hands quickly.  Tony looked so small and tired, his eyes drooping with the need to rest and his face still flushed pink from the fever.

“Are you in pain?”  He asked.  It was a stupid question, whatever Hydra had done to him was falling apart now.  It had turned into a harsh sickness that was fighting through his body.  Tony nodded.  “Where does it hurt?”

Tony hummed softly as he put one hand to his chest and the other curling around his head.  James wanted to reach out and touch him, wanted to pull him close and comfort the child.  There was a distinct smell of smoke, like something was burning and James didn’t know what to make of it all.  He just wanted Tony to stop.

“Have you ever felt like this before?”  James asked.  Tony just nodded.  “Okay.  How do I get it to stop?”

“What?”  Tony asked.

James did shake Tony, only slightly as he reached out to grab hold of his shoulders and then jerked away from the heat radiating off of him.  “Tony, you’re not supposed to be like this.  We’re supposed to be running away.  We got away.  Things are supposed to be better now.”  James said quickly.  Tony was burning.  James didn’t understand it and he didn’t know how to stop it, but they were supposed to be getting away.  They were away from SHIELD, away from Hydra, and they should be finding somewhere they can be safe.  They shouldn’t have stopped.

“How do I make you feel better?”  James asked.  Tony’s body temperature was far too high.  No clear answer popped into his head.  Maybe cold water or letting the child rest, but none of the options seemed to be likely to help for long.

“What?” Tony asked again.  His face was still a bright pink and a thin sheen of sweat covered his forehead.

“You’re really hot.”  James said.

Tony shook his head.  “Not hot.  Cold.”  He said.  The child pulled away when James tried to reach out for him again.  He held out one arm, pointed towards the crook of his elbow.  There were a few small dots there, faded into his skin like old scars.  They were scars.

Scars from IVs and needles.  It was all evidence of years with Hydra.  James had plenty of similar ones, ones that were easily hidden and seemed to sting along his skin every time he thought about them.

“Cold.”  Tony said again.

“No, you’re burning up.”  James said.

Tony pointed at the little dots inside his arm.  “Stop it.”

“I’m not touching you.”  James said.

“No.  That.”  Tony said again.  He sighed, his eyebrows drawing together in frustration and annoyance.  He jabbed his finger against his arm as if it had all the answers.  “Stop it.  Not stable.  Gotta… gotta…  Stop it.”

Tony’s sentences were broken and sloppy, but still full sentences.  A few of the words weren’t English.  James couldn’t quite make out the exact language, his mind reeling from the recognizable language that he understood without effort and the fact that Tony was trying to tell him something.  Eastern European, definitely, but for some reason his mind couldn’t latch onto which one.

“Enough.”  James said quickly.  “Are you trying to tell me how to cool you down?  You’re burning too hot Tony.”

“No.  Cold.”  Tony said, shaking his head.  “There, Appa.”

Tony kept pointing at his elbow and the little scars that represented years of injections.  “Did they give you something to cool you down?”  James asked.  Tony frowned for a moment before nodding quickly.  “Okay, I’m not going to drug you.”

He stood up and closed the car door.  Tony tried to wiggle into a tight ball, his knees curling up to shield his chest.  Tony always looked small, but this time he seemed so much like the baby that James had held for days on end while he made his way slowly across the country.  Now Tony was burning so hot he couldn’t, Hydra had taken away his chance to hold his child again.

“You’re too hot Tony.  Stop it.”  James said.  Tony probably had no control over it.  He probably didn’t even realize he was doing it.  He was a child, too young to know what Hydra had done to him and what it means.

“Cold.”  Tony said.

“Okay, you’re cold.”  James said.

He got into the driver’s seat and pulled back out onto the road.  They had already delayed too much.  Nick may have let them out, but SHIELD still wanted to send Tony away and lock James in a cell.  Hydra probably wasn’t far behind either, they had lost so many days while they were in custody.  They couldn’t dwell on this issue now, not so soon after getting away.

There was no time.  Not for something like this.  It wasn’t fair.  He needed to get Tony cool again.  Tony needed a doctor, he needed water, and he needed to be fed. 

“You need to eat.”  James said.  “Nick said you need a lot of calories, you need to eat.”

He said more than that when he brought Tony back to him.  He said Tony was stabilizing.  He said Tony was eating more calories and nutrients than a child his size would need and because he was getting so much his temperature had evened out slightly.  Tony had been starving and eating had helped him a bit.

“You need to be healthier.”  James said.  “I can… we’ll find you something to eat.  Just stop it.  Please.  I need you to stop.”

He didn’t look over to where Tony was sitting, didn’t want to see his child curled up and seeming to be in pain.  Things weren’t the way they were supposed to be.  This wasn’t how their escape should have gone.  Tony should be okay, they should be getting away together.  It wasn’t fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was weird. I'm sure it's nothing though. Tony's fine.  
> :)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so I'm a heap of garbage that keeps updating this instead of my other fics. I'm not abandoning them, I'm just motivated for this one. Sorry if you read anything else of mine.

James wanted to ignore it all.  He didn’t want to look at Tony and see the scorching heat flushing his face or the tired droopiness of his eyes.  He didn’t want to see the pain and discomfort written across his features.  So he didn’t look at Tony at all.  He heard him, the sounds of the child’s slow breathing and gentle movements filled the small car.  It was soothing to hear.

He took a drastic turn north.  He had to fix this.  SHIELD wouldn’t be far behind them, so soon after the escape James was absolutely sure there would soon be another strike team full of agents coming to drag him away.  He had to get answers and get away before that happened.

“Eat.”  James said.  Pointing down at the food James had gotten for him.  He didn’t quite know what it was, some sort of seasoned meat and vegetables stuffed in pita bread and it was absolutely delicious.  Tony hadn’t touched it since he took it off a food stall.  The small village they had passed through was friendly, James couldn’t understand a word they said but not a single one of them was threatening in either their body language or their tone.

From his peripheral vision he saw Tony’s little hand reach out to poke at the food.  James didn’t take his eyes off the road, but he hoped Tony would take it and eat it.  The child needed food.  His body would handle whatever was happening to it if he just ate more.

“No.”  Tony said softly.

James sighed, his hands tightening on the steering wheel.  “Don’t be difficult, not now.  Please.”  He said.  He didn’t want to look over to Tony.  He didn’t think he could hold in the rage and desperation coursing through him if he had to see how much Tony was withering away because James was so horrible at taking care of him.  “Just do what I say.  It’s for your own good.  Eat.”

Tony did reach out and take the food, his movements slow and then he disappeared back beyond James’ field of vision.  That was good, it meant Tony was going to listen.  If he ate then things would be easier.  They could get away if Tony settled down.

“Appa.”  Tony said.

James didn’t look over.  “Just eat.”

“Appa.”  Tony said again.

“No, Tony.  No ‘Appa’ okay.  Right now you just have to eat.  That’s all you need to do.”  James said quickly.

He risked a quickly look over to the passenger seat.  He was right, Tony did look terrible.  His hair was sticking to his sweaty forehead, his face red and blotchy from the heat and from the tears that were lining his eyes.  Tony looked about two seconds away from crying, but he wasn’t making a sound.  The food was sitting on his lap, not a single bite taken out of it.  James reached out to touch Tony.  He wasn’t certain if he was still burning how still, but Tony looked distressed and he had to comfort the child.  Tony jerked away from his hand as if it was a claw ready to take a swipe at him.  James stopped, his hand hovering over the distance between them as Tony pressed himself against the car door as far form reach as he could manage.

“What are you doing?”  James asked slowly.  “I’m not…”

Tony held the food out to James, some of the meat falling out of the bread and onto the ground.  Tony stared at it in horror.  His hands were trembling as they tried to push the food towards James and still pulled back every time the man reached out to him slightly.  Tony was terrified, he looked uncomfortable and sick and scared.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”  James said.  Tony squeezed his eyes shut.  “No, Tony look at me.  Please, look at me.”

It took a bit of gentle coaxing to finally get Tony to look up at him.  The narrow roads of the countryside were empty.  Not another car in sight, James let his eyes linger on the child before turning back to the road and continue heading north.

“I’m not going to hurt you.  I just want you to eat.”  James said slowly.  He took the food from Tony’s hands and brought it up to his mouth to take a bite.  “See, like that.  Eat.  It’s good for you.  I need you to eat now.”

He handed the food back to Tony.  The child snatched his hands back as soon as he got a hold of it and retreated back to his corner of the car.  James kept a close eye on him, Tony staring back at him in turn as he tried to wipe away the tears and then carefully took a very small bite of the food.  It wouldn’t be enough to help him.  Tony wouldn’t eat his fill on such a small bite and his body wouldn’t get the nutrients it needed fight off whatever was making him so sick, but it was a start.  James had never seen Tony eat before.

The child chewed the small bit of food for some time and continued to stare at James as if looking for his approval.  James could only smile at him.  Tony was uncomfortable, his face scrunched up tightly as he ate.

“Keep eating.  It will help stabilize you.  Nick said it was working earlier.  You need more calories.”  James said.

“Okay.”  Tony said, taking another very small bite.

Tony was barely eating nibbles and chewed for several minutes on a single small bite, but it was still eating.  It was probably for the best Tony wasn’t eating much.  James wasn’t sure if Tony had ever eaten any actual solid food before, couldn’t never get him to do it, and something like this might be too hard on his stomach.  They had to be careful, but Tony needed to take in a lot more sustenance than he was getting.

After a few small bites Tony put the food down and leaned against the door.  James turned all of his attention back to the road.  He didn’t like seeing Tony like this.  He would rather never look over again and see Tony so scared and distraught.   He glanced over to Tony, the child’s eyes drooping shut as he pressed his whole body against the door and leaned his head onto the window.  He was still burning up, James could tell from the way the air around him shimmered.  Tears were still silently dripping down his cheeks and James reached out to wipe one away.

“No.”  Tony said, smacking his hand away.  “Stop it.  Go away.”

From just the small touch as Tony pushed his hand away from him James could tell he was burning up.  The heat stung more that the smack did and for just a moment James could see fear written across Tony’s face as he pulled his hand back.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”  James said.  He put his hand back on the steering wheel.  “Have I ever hurt you?”

He turned his full attention back to the road, watching as no cars passed and the sun began to set.  It was a beautiful countryside, very quiet and peaceful and if they didn’t have to get Tony help and get as far from SHIELD as they could then he wouldn’t mind staying here.  It was far from people, which meant it would be safe but very lonely.  James wouldn’t mind it, but he didn’t want to isolate Tony more than he already had.

“Where are we going?”  Tony asked slowly.

James’ attention snapped back to the child.  “Is that Hungarian?”  He asked.  The language was there again.  “Why do you know Hungarian?”

Tony just tilted his head to the side, looking over at James as if he was speaking nonsense.  “Appa.”  Tony said slowly.

“We’re going back to the U.S.S.R.  I don’t want to, but I know a few people there.  Not good people.  I want you to do everything I say.”  James said.  Tony pouted and crossed his arms, kicking his feet out in front of him and knocking the leftover food onto the ground.  “The people I’m looking for, they’re dangerous.  I don’t want you to look at them, to listen to them.  Promise me you’ll do as I say.”

“No.”  Tony said.

“God damn it.  Please, just be good and do as I say.”  James said, his hands tightening on the steering wheel.  “It’s for your own good.”

“No, Appa.”  Tony said.

“Yes.  I promise I’ll keep you safe.  Just do as I say when we get there.”  James said. 

Tony shifted in his seat, the sound of movement filling the small car.  The child was fidgeting, full of the energy and restlessness of youth but still too sick and confined to the vehicle to do much of anything.  Tony wasn’t going to die.  They had come such a long way over the months, James couldn’t even remember how many months have gone by, as they made their way from that Hydra base in New Jersey to here.  It had been a few days since they escaped from SHIELD in Tehran.  If Tony died now because of something Hydra did then he would hunt each and every one of them down.

He didn’t want to kill people anymore.  James wanted to be a real person again and not some weapon Hydra created from a hollowed out shell.  He wouldn’t kill them for that, he would disappear and hope to never see them again.  But if Tony died because of them, if this child burned himself out because of a sickness that was most certainly Hydra’s fault, then he would find each and every Hydra member who even knew Tony existed, let alone touched him, and be exactly the monster they wanted him to be.

“Appa.  Cold.”  Tony said.

“I know.”  James said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops they're going back to the Soviet Union. That's going to be interest. Oh well, I'm sure everything will be just fine. :) No need to worry. :)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited appearance. I hope it's good.

Stalingrad wasn’t called Stalingrad anymore, it didn’t change the fact that it was still the very same city.  The same streets and the same people, all doing the same things they had always done.  They can put a new name on something, but it doesn’t change it much.  Stalingrad was still Stalingrad.

“Don’t talk to anyone.”  James said, pulling the child close.

“Stop it.”  Tony said.

James knew the layout of this city more than he probably should, more than he could even remember the layout of the city he was born in.  He knew which parts to avoid and where was the safest.  Still, he kept Tony close and his grip firm and tight to stop the child from getting away, either from the natural curiosity of children causing him to wander off or from the people here trying to take him away.

James knew who he was looking for.  She was just as likely to try and take the child away as she was to help them.

The building had long since been abandoned, the operations that once went on inside probably relocated to a better, more efficient facility.  From a civilian standpoint it looked like nothing, just a series of hallways and empty rooms.  Tony hummed softly as he pointed to a pair of doors, then another.

He kept doing that, pointing at every doorway or light fixture that caught his attention.  The child didn’t say anything about it and didn’t try to get out of James’ arms.  Tony was still warm, his temperature no longer so high that it felt almost like it was burning, but high enough to still show that he had a fever.  It has almost been a whole week and Tony’s still sick.

“She probably knows we’re here.”  James said slowly, tilting his head so his cheek was resting on the messy curls of Tony’s hair.  “She might just leave us waiting for a while, but when she gets here I don’t want you talking to her, don’t look at her.  I’ll make sure she doesn’t get close to you, just do as I say.”

The only indication Tony gave that he understood was a soft hum.  He didn’t say ‘okay’ or any of the other words James knew for a fact Tony could say.  He was silent besides that humming which almost sounded like a melody.

James didn’t like this building.  All the memories felt so fresh and raw in his head and he had no place to write them down at.  He remembered when these halls were bustling with people, agents and soldiers with stern expressions and threatening behaviors.  He trained the girls downstairs, taught them how to disarm their opponents and avoid suspicion and detection from enemies.  As they grew older he taught them to kill.  Most of them were dead now, many from his own hands.  He was glad it was empty now, James would have never brought Tony here if it wasn’t.

“You’re an idiot for coming back here.”

James looked up at her, standing near the exit and looking around the abandoned building with nothing on her face besides disinterest.  She crossed her arms and leaned against the door, blocking the easiest exit.  It didn’t mean much, James could still escape with ease.  Doors weren’t the only way to get out of a building.

“Natalia, you look exactly the same.”  James said softly.

“Then I’m clearly doing something wrong.”  She said.

Her hair was shorter and she had gotten rid of her bangs, but it was still the same fiery red that made her skin seem ghostly pale.  Her eyes drifted over Tony, still snuggled up against James’ chest and giving Natalia no attention at all.

“You know, I heard through the grape vine that the Winter Soldier went AWOL and took something important that didn’t belong to him.”  She said slowly.  “It’s pretty big news right now, you know how people can be.”

“Yeah, I know.  But Tony doesn’t belong to them.  He belongs to me.”  James said.  Tony wiggled in his arms, pointing down the hall.  There was nothing there, but something had definitely caught his attention.  It wasn’t a problem, as long as he wasn’t looking at Natalia, wasn’t giving her an opportunity to hurt him in one of the hundreds of ways James had trained her to do.

She took a few small, careful steps forward.  Her eyes stayed on James as she came closer, her body tense as if she was ready to jump away or attack at any moment.  She stopped a few feet away, her arms down at her side instead of crossed over her chest.  Tony had finally taken notice of her and looked up at her with wide eyes and pulled his hands back to himself.

James turned his body slightly to hide Tony from view.  He did not want the Black Widow getting a good look at his child.  She seemed curious, still threatening but not to an extent that would cause worry.  Natalia was one of the best he ever trained, one of the few agents from the Red Room that has survived over the decades to this point.  She was also violent, rebellious, and James hoped that his vague memories were correct about her.

“I need your help.”  He said.

“I was ordered to kill you.”  She said calmly.

James nodded, that was to be expected.  “Alright.  You’re welcome to try.”  It was a lie, if she tried to kill him it would put the child in danger.  He had faith in his ability to beat her, but he didn’t want to risk it.  “But you won’t.  You want to get away, new identity, new life.  Maybe cut your hair and change your name and not be part of the Red Room anymore.  You were planning to do it eventually.”

“I was ordered to kill the child too.  Kill him first, actually.”  Natalia said.  Her voice was flat as her eyes drifted back down to the child clutching James’ shirt.  “They thought it would be a good punishment.”

Tony muttered something unintelligible and pointed back down the hall.  There was nothing there, just a few crumbling bricks and a couple heaps of trash.  The building had been abandoned for what appeared to be decades, it was now in such a state of disrepair James hoped they tore it down.  This place shouldn’t exist anymore.

“Doesn’t matter.  I’m going to kill them all one day.”  James said.  Tony was alive, very sick but still alive and despite everything Hydra had done they were still walking free.  “I need your help.  The Red Room keeps files on all the children that come in and out of this organization.  I need you to find his.”  He nodded down to Tony and held Natalia’s gaze.

“Why?”

“Because he’s very sick and I need to know how to help him.”  James wasn’t above begging.  He would get down on his knees and if she still said no then he would go after the files himself.  He just couldn’t leave Tony behind and as hard as it was bringing the child back into the Soviet Union it would be almost too much to take him back into a Hydra base.  “And you knew I was in the area which means they know too.  They’ll think I stole the files and will hardly notice you taking off and disappearing.  You’re the only one who knew I was coming to this building, we have history here.  I’m not sure what exactly it was, but you know me here.”

“You came back to this place for me?”  Natalia asked.

“Appa.”  Tony said, tugging on James’ shirt.

“No.”  James said as he pulled Tony’s hand off of his shirt and promptly hushed the child.  “Don’t try to interrogate me, not right now.  I don’t have any answers you want.  I just need that file.”

Natalia was watching Tony, her eyes drifting over the warm pink flush of his face and the sweat lingering on his forehead.  The child was pale and clammy, but looked better than he had a few days ago.  His temperature was down, he seemed healthier, but still far too sick.  James didn’t like how she was watching the child, memorizing his illness and weaknesses in a way that could only be dangerous. 

“Do you remember me?”  She asked. “I heard about what they were doing.  You seem to remember this place, but do you remember me?”

James wasn’t sure what the right answer was.  She was there, inside his head and he knew there were memories of her.  Most of them were just still locked away, just beyond his reach.  James knew he had memories of her, she was as familiar to him as Tony was.

“Does it matter?”  He asked.

There was a short pause as Natalia looked at the child and nothing else, her gaze softening so the sharp danger in her features disappeared.  “No, I suppose it doesn’t.”  She said as she turned on her heel and walked out the door.

That wasn’t an answer.  James didn’t know if she was leaving to get the file or to get a kill squad.  She might not even come back at all.  There was so little he could do for the child without her help besides march up to the base himself with a child on his hip.  It wouldn’t be impossible, but he wasn’t going to put Tony’s life in any more danger.

“Appa.”  Tony said again.

James sighed and stood up.  Tony was pointing down the hall and as James took him to see what he was so interested in.  There was nothing.  In a building like this there could have been anything dangerous or horrible lying around to hint at the things that had happened here, but it all seemed so bare.  He had trained Natalia here, had watched as the others filled her head with their ideologies and tried to create a perfect soldier.  James didn’t know what she was still doing lurking around the area, but he somehow knew she would meet him here.  Just like he knew she would help him.

There was nothing about any of that left in the building though, nothing there to help with James’ memories so he could remember more clearly what had happened here with him and Natalia.  The only thing left in the building were the rats that scurried across the floor and captured Tony’s attention.  The child pointed at them as they ran away, looking up at James with a questioning expression.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you guys like it? Nat's first appearance, she's rather guarded and defensive at the moment. Hopefully they loosen up around each other and we can see the fun and wonderful person she is.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tis I, the trash can emerging from my cave with good bearings.

“It’s alright.  You can cry.”  James said.  He didn’t like it.  Tony was making too much noise and here in Russia it wasn’t safe for them to be noticed.  Still he didn’t have the heart to tell his child to be quiet.

There wasn’t much room for them in this country, no place for them to be safe, so they just waited in that building.  No one came looking for them, no one even glanced at the building as they walked by.  James kept a silent watch over the place as he waited.  If Natalia didn’t come back within the next 48 hours they would leave.

They sat by a window, Tony holding tightly onto his shirt as if scared that James would try to put him down.  “Stop it.”  Tony whispered to himself over and over again.  “Stop it, Appa.  Stop it.”

“I’m not doing anything.”  James said.  Tony let out a high pitched whine and buried his face in James’ shirt.  “It’s alright, Tony.”

“Stop it.”  Tony said again, wiggling in his hold and tightening his hands on his shirt.

“Okay.”

Tony was burning up, his temperature hotter than comfortable but James continued to hold the child close.  Tony was in distress, James didn’t know why or what about, but he would hold Tony for as long as he wanted to be held.  Tony was crying, his small body shaking with each soft sob and whine that escaped him.  There wasn’t anything to be done, James didn’t know how to help him.

“You’re alright.  Once she gets back with your files we can figure out what’s wrong with you.”  James whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of Tony’s head.  He was sweaty and needed a shower, he still felt far too thin in James’ arms.  He wasn’t taking very good care of his child the way things were.

“Stop it.”  Tony said again.  James didn’t know what that meant.  He wasn’t doing a damn thing.

Tony wiped his face on James’s shirt and shifted against him, his hot breath almost burning as he breathed against his chest.  The boy was burning too hot and he didn’t know how to stop it.  There was a chance this was just a short illness, a cold or the flu burning through the small child as his immune system struggled to fight it off.  Tony wasn’t very healthy anyway, he had been premature and sick at birth.  James remembered that.  It was entirely possible that this was just a common cold being harsher than normal on the poor boy.

“Did you kill her?”  Natalia asked.  She had been gone for some time.  Eleven hours to be precise.  Eleven hours and she looked exactly the same.  In all of the memories James had managed to pull out of the depths Natalia always looked the same.  “Did you kill that woman?”

“I have killed a lot of women.”  James said.

Natalia frowned as her eyes landed on Tony.  “You know, I heard though the grape vine that you killed a woman in America and carved a baby out of her stomach.”  She took a step closer as she spoke, completely unconcerned as James tightened his hold on the child and turned to hide him from her view.  “I also heard that you ran away with something that didn’t belong to you.”

“Did you get his file?”  James asked.

“Yes.  I read it too.”  Natalia said.  She pulled out a large brown folder from under her coat, holding it with both hands tightly.  “Before I hand it over I want you to be honest with me.  I went through a lot of trouble getting a hold of this.  You didn’t give me a name, didn’t even give me a birthday, but I found it.  Especially since everyone in the business is talking about the two of you, an urban legend and a ghost.  So tell me the truth, is he the Stark child?  Did you kill that woman?”

“I didn’t kill Maria Stark. I was sent on a mission, one of the men who went with me shot her.  I was just trying to get the child out so he could be delivered alive.  That was my mission.”  James said.  He was hyperaware of Tony against him, holding onto James for comfort.  “But you knew that already, didn’t you.  If it wasn’t in the file then you wouldn’t have asked.”

Natalia stopped in front of him, holding the file tightly and watching him with the same analytical eyes she seemed to always have.  She looked the same, James couldn’t get over that fact.  It had to have been decades since their first meeting and she hadn’t aged a day.

“Yes.  In fact it talked about the circumstances of his birth quite a bit.  Poor child born too early in such a bloody scene.  It was a miracle he survived as long as he did without medical help.  He was certainly having trouble staying alive when you handed him over.”  Natalia said, reaching out to give James the file.  Her voice was calm and cold and it sent a shiver up James’ spine as he looked at the folder.  It almost seemed like it would be poisonous to touch.  If he read it then all of the ugly things they had done to Tony would come to light and he would know exactly what had happened because he had given his child to Hydra.

“What else does it say?”  James asked.  He didn’t want to take a single hand off of Tony to take that file.  Tony was safe in his arms.

Natalia seemed to sense his hesitance and pulled it closer to herself.  “He’s unstable, but he’ll survive.  They gave him something experimental, but everything they had was experimental so I suppose there’s no point in mentioning that.  It’s kept him alive, which was the purpose, but if he overstresses himself it burns through him faster.”  She sounded calm.  James didn’t know if her calmness was a good sign or not.  Natalia could very well wish for them all to burn.  “His body is under stress.  Get him somewhere quiet and safe, get him fed and clean, and his temperature will stabilize.”

“What?”

“I don’t know much about it.  The file just said it was unstable but keeping the child alive.  It didn’t fix any of his medical issues though, just stopped him from dying.  They were pretty excited about it in the footnotes.”  Natalia said.  James finally reached out and snatched the file away from her, opening it up and looking over all the notes and reports and photos.  The photos were disgusting, a small baby locked away in a lab with wires and tubes and needles.  James had left him with that.

Everything was in English, the files and reports probably sent over from the United States to the agents here in Russia for safe keeping.  The Red Room kept track of the children in their organization.  Of course they would be interested in making sure they had Tony’s records written down.

He kept Tony close, letting the child cling to him and press against him to take whatever amount of comfort he could offer.  James had one arm wrapped around Tony to hold him against his chest and the other propping the file up on his legs and opening it.

The first page was a very brief summary dated back in 1970.  An estimated date of birth, sometime between May 28th when Maria Stark was taken and June 1st when her body was discovered and missing the child from her womb.  He was just under five pounds when the file was opened, barely a month old, and showed signs of attachment to an asset and severe distress when separated.  James frowned at the passage as several notes on the side said to separate them permanently.  James would kill them all.

James looked up at Natalia, she had put distance between them and wandered around the room as she looked at the peeling paint and abandoned pieces of furniture.  She was a safe distance away, not even looking at them, just wandering around the place in such a calm way that James would have thought she had forgotten them entirely.  He wanted to read the whole file, find out each bit of Tony’s history with Hydra and understand what was happening to his child, but right now some things were more immediate.

“You want page seven.”  Natalia said softly, glancing back at them.  “Though I would recommend you read some of the earlier medical reports eventually.  Tony was a rather unhealthy baby and the serum they gave him didn’t change much.”

His hand tightened on the file and he pulled Tony up higher against him until the boy could bury his face in his neck and shoulder.  He hummed a soft tune and ran his hand gently up and down Tony’s back.  This was the way he had been told to hold the child, all those years back when Tony was a screaming baby and bothering people in their small motel room.  Tony leaned into him, wiping more of his tears away on James’ shirt.

Page seven was filled with Zola’s handwriting.  James could recognize it anywhere, had memorized the curves of his letters as he wrote out the orders and reports that made him into a weapon instead of a person.  It was definitely another serum.  This one Zola had been sure would work, because none of them ever worked as well as James’ did.  Not after Steve blew up the Hydra base to get him out and Zola lost most of his notes and papers.  Now he was trying again, James knew he was, but a burning rage burst within him at the knowledge that he injected something into his child.  Tony didn’t deserve that.

 _Healing factor expected to fix issues with the heart,_ the report said.  _While the subject heals from minor wounds more quickly, pre-existing conditions seem not to be affected.  Trial a failure._

The words were all so clinical.  Tony would have still been an infant at this time.  The date at the top of the page said September of 1970, two months after James handed him over and completed his mission.  The next passage was dated for a few weeks after.

_The serum works to keep the body alive, not to heal ailments.  For example, the still open blood vessel in the subject’s heart has created issues with breathing, but the child is surviving just fine.  It is when the heart is put under additional stress that the serum begins to create abnormal side effects._

“I don’t know what this means.”  James said simply.

“You said he was very sick, that’s why you needed the file.”  Natalia said.  James nodded.  “Can I hold him?”

“No.”

Natalia’s face contorted slightly.  “Fine, but do you want to know my opinion?”  She asked.  James didn’t answer.  He watched as she turned to face them fully and took a few small steps towards him.  “You’re starving him.  He thinks he’s dying.  His body is going into overdrive to keep him alive.”

James closed the file and tucked it under his arm.  He didn’t let go of Tony, didn’t loosen his hold on the child and kept him so close against him to keep him safe.  Tony was fine with him.  Tony was safest with him.

“We have to go.  We’re already off track.”  James said.  Africa, that had been the plan.  They were running off to Africa.  Natalia had to get away too.  After so many years with the Red Room she deserved to get away, after her whole life in training and in experiments hoping to enhance her, she deserved to find somewhere safe as well.  Just not with them.  “Good luck, Natalia.”

Tony’s grip on his shirt tightened as James stood up and started to walk out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're leaving Natalia, but is she really gone? Is Tony okay? Let me know what you think.


	33. Chapter 33

Once they were out of Russia James could breathe easier.  With Tony settled in the back seat and the file hidden away so he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore.  He didn’t want to know what Hydra did to Tony, everything was probably written out in clear, mechanical efficiency so that Tony’s whole life would be laid open for the reader.  James didn’t want to read about Zola’s experiments and torture, not when the victim was Tony.

He drove down quiet, empty roads and kept glancing into the rearview mirror to make sure Tony was doing okay.  The child seemed alright, still alive and breathing.  He was curled up in the back seat sleeping; the stress of the past few weeks probably wearing him down more than it did James.

Tony didn’t stir, not when they were passing country boarders and not when the sun started to come up.  It was a relief, Tony needed the rest.  James didn’t like the quiet but at least he could still hear the child breathing softly in the seat behind him.  It was a gentle pattern of in and out and as long as it kept going then James would be okay.  He could keep driving without much worry.  They were leaving Russia, they would be fine.

“Stop it.”  Tony whispered.  James glanced in the mirror again, ready to tell the child that he wasn’t doing anything and that they were okay.  He was still sleeping, lying on his back and sprawled out over the seats, his small hands curled into loose fists near his head.  Tony looked calm and relaxed and fast asleep.  “Stop it.”

“Nothing’s happening.”  James said.  They were on an empty road in the middle of nowhere, the first few moments of sunrise lighting up the terrain.  “You’re alright.”

Tony whimpered and rolled over, hiding his face away in the seat.  James pulled over to the side of the road and watched Tony.  He was sleeping, he shouldn’t be saying anything.  Tony whispered something again and his voice was muffled by the seat he had his face buried into.  It was uncomfortable to watch; James reached out and put a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

The child jerked away with just a touch.  He scooted to the far end of the car and away from James, pulling his legs up to his chest and breathing heavily.

“Stop it.”  Tony said.  One hand went to his chest as he stared at James with panicked eyes.

“I’m sorry.”  James said.  “I’ll stop.”

He held his hands up slightly, the universal sign of showing he was surrendering.  He wanted Tony to see where his hands were, show him that there was nothing there to hurt him with.  It was a pointless gesture, James could kill Tony a thousand different ways with just one hand, but it was important that the child wasn’t scared of him.

Tony took a deep, shaky breath as he looked at James and then over to his hands before kicking his feet and letting out a shrill scream.  He was scared, tired, and cried as loud as he could.  He kicked his feet again and reached out for James, seeking out comfort and willingly going into his arms.

“It’s alright.  You’re fine.”  James said as he pulled the child close.  The crying didn’t bother him.  He hated that Tony was upset and in distress but the loud and piercing sound of Tony’s shouts didn’t bother him.  He felt the child press his wet face against his shoulder and hold onto his shirt tightly.  “Was it a dream?  Did you have a bad dream?”

Tony didn’t answer him.  The child clung to him with all his strength and James held him close as he climbed into the backseat.  They sat there for a while and he watched the sunrise completely over the horizon.  James rubbed Tony’s back slowly until the child started to settle down.  The loud cries eventually died out into labored breathing and soft hiccups.

“Better now?”  James asked.  Tony didn’t answer again, didn’t even acknowledge James speaking to him.  It was early and the child hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep so he was probably still tired.  He put his hands on Tony’s shoulders and pulled him away just enough to have him look up at him.  “It was a bad dream.  You’re alright.”

“Okay, Appa.”  Tony said, reaching up to wipe away the last of the tears.

He looked on the verge of tears once again, tilting his head off to the side and rubbing his eyes.  James didn’t want Tony to cry, he may not mind the loudness but he would rather Tony wasn’t upset.  He reached up and ran his hands through Tony’s mess, curly hair and then wiped away the last of the tears himself.  The child slapped away his hands with only a soft whine.

“Fine, I’ll stop.  You’re fine now.”  James said.  He pressed his hand to Tony’s forehead before pulling away and frowned.  “You’re burning up.  You need to eat.”

“No.”  Tony said.

James leaned forward, keeping a hand on Tony’s back to stop him from falling off of his lap, and grabbed a bag from the front seat.  “I got food.”  He said.  He grabbed a small stockpile of healthy, easily digestible foods before leaving Stalingrad.  “We should start with the perishables first, shouldn’t we?  Eat this.”

He handed Tony a banana and waited.  The child took it, looking down at it as if it were a puzzle he didn’t understand.  “What?”  Tony asked, looking back up at James and then holding the banana out to him.  “Appa.”

“It’s food.”  James said.  He took the banana from Tony’s hand and started to peel it.  “I know you can eat.  You have to eat.  Here, see.  Eat.”

James took a single bite of the banana and chewed in slow, exaggerated movements to show Tony how to do it.  It pulled a laugh from the child, seeing him munch on the banana into a pale goop in his mouth.  Tony clapped his hands and reached out for the rest of the banana.  James watched him carefully as Tony mimicked his movements and made a bigger mess on his face and shirt as he ate.  As James showed Tony how to swallow, the child struggled a bit and spat out most of the food instead, but eventually got it down.

“Good, now eat.  All of it.”  James said.  Tony kept smacking his lips together.  “I know you can and you have to.  I have to take care of you.”

“No.” Tony said, shaking his head as he took another bite.

“Okay.”

Tony’s face was still wet with tears, his eyes were red and glossy, and he slumped against James as if he were a giant teddy bear offering his only source of comfort.  It wasn’t that far off of an idea, Tony had so little ways to get physical and emotional comfort and that couldn’t be good for a child his age.  James needed to do better; he needed to work harder.

James didn’t move.  Tony had settled himself on his lap and stayed pressed against him in the backseat as he took small, messy bites of his banana.  A lot of it smeared onto James’ shirt.  There was more banana on clothes and sticking to Tony’s face than there was being eaten.  It would be an issue if Tony didn’t eat all he was given, but right now James was just satisfied having the child eat.

Tony only got through a few bites of the banana before handing it back to James.  He finished it off and then just Tony for a few moments longer.  Tony was calm now, his breathing slow and steady as he leaned against James.  He was sticky and slimy from the banana and kept reaching up to try and wipe it off of his face and then wipe his hands on his shirt.

“You’ll need a bath.”  James said.  They could find a place to rest in the next town and get Tony clean and ready for the next step of their trip.  For a few days they could stay, then they would have to move on again.  “You need to sleep more too.  It can’t be very comfortable here in the car, can it?”

The space felt overwhelming cramped now that he thought about it.  Tony needed more room.  He needed to be able to stand up and run around.  That was good for children, he was still young so he needed more exercise and a space to grow.  They couldn’t live like this.  They were safe on the run but Tony deserved a bed to sleep in every night.

James decided to ignore it.  He didn’t have time to worry about things like these.  He had to take care of Tony and the best way of doing that was making sure SHIELD and Hydra never got their hands on him again.  They were on the run, they had to stay moving.  The Black Widow had already seen them and if he trained her as well as he thought he did then she was probably still tracking them.  James got up out of the car, Tony pulled tight against his chest, and looked around at the scenery around them.  He saw nothing.

“Come on, we should go.”  James said.  He pulled at Tony’s hands, curled tightly on James’ shirt, and then plopped him back down in the backseat.  They had to get far away from here, they had to disappear and be forgotten.  They couldn’t exist anymore.

He got back in the car and settled behind the steering wheel, smiling as Tony quickly climbed from the back into the passenger seat beside him.  The child still looked tired, but it was unlikely he would go back to sleep so soon.  Perhaps later on when they were calmer, when Tony wasn’t coming down from a nightmare and James didn’t have some dark feeling lurking over him they could sleep.  Tony needed to sleep.  James had to take care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony's eating more!! That's a good thing. Hopefully they'll find someplace safe to settle for a little while and relax and be happy.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you guys have been drawing really amazing fanart and I just want to thank you all so much for your support. I love writing this fic and having people who love it as much as you guys do really helps push it along. Thank you so much.

Russia was far behind them by now.  James didn’t quite know where he was, just that he had been driving west for some time and he had to keep going that way until they found someplace.  He wasn’t even sure what he was looking for but once he got there he would know.  It had to be safe.  Tony needed a doctor, James had promised the SHIELD agent that he would find Tony a doctor.  Tony needed to be around other children; it was crucial to long term prosperity to be able to fit into a society.  Tony couldn’t do that if he didn’t know how to be around people.

There was a village coming up in the distance.  It was probably large enough to have a doctor, small enough for people to notice they didn’t belong.  They could stay there for a day or two, but it wouldn’t be safe to stay longer.  They would get what they needed and move on.

“Be good, alright?”  James said as they drove closer.  It was a rather large village compared to where they were.  In the middle of nowhere, somewhere between countries and James didn’t quite know where he was.  Right up against the sea.  He didn’t even know which sea it was.  “Stay close to me, don’t wander, and don’t talk to anyone.  We’re outsiders.  It’ll be best to just be as quiet as we can.”

“No.”  Tony said, shaking his head and pointing out the window.

“Fine, be loud.  I won’t stop you.  Just be respectful and leave them all alone.  We have to appear non-threatening.”  James said. 

He glanced over to Tony and offered the child a soft smile.  This was nice and peaceful; no agents hovering over them with their weapons and threats.  Tony wasn’t scared, the child was safe and eating and soon he would be healthy again.  That’s what Natalia said, if whatever serum in Tony’s body was making him sick by trying to prevent him from starving and dying then once he started eating more it would stop.  Tony’s temperature has to go down, he has to eat.

As they went closer to the village he noticed little characteristics to it; there were boats out in the water with people casting out fishing lines and nets.  James wasn’t sure if he had ever been fishing, but he didn’t want to go out into the water to see if he knew how.  It didn’t matter, they wouldn’t be staying long enough for him to wonder too much about it.  Tony leaned forward in his seat as they passed a few houses, watching with wide eyes as he studied the pedestrians they passed.  James reached out and put his hand on Tony’s chest to try and get him to sit back.  The child was too curious.

There was a small gas station a few blocks into the town.  The pumps were rusted and the colors faded, a single old man sat in a chair out front.  The man glanced up at them as they pulled up in front of the gas station.  James considered just telling Tony to wait in the car, to not go anywhere or talk to anyone.  He threw out the plan as soon as he thought of it, he wouldn’t let Tony out of his sight, not for a single moment.

“Come on.”  James said.  He reached out and Tony willingly crawled into his arms, allowing himself to be pulled against James’ chest as they climbed out of the car.  Tony settled on his hip easily and reached out and held onto his shirt with a tight grip.  “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”

He walked up to the old man, stopping a few paces away to keep some distance.  James didn’t want to get closer than necessary, especially not when he had Tony with him.

“Sorry.  Closed for today.  Come back tomorrow.”  The old man said, nodding towards the pump and then gesturing to their car.  James frowned as his ears picked up the language.  He didn’t have a name for it, didn’t even know what country he was in, but it certainly wasn’t English.

“What?”  He asked.

“Closed.  Can’t sell gas today.”  The man said.  He leaned back in his chair and gave a toothy grin.  “Come back tomorrow.”

James held Tony tighter, causing the child to wiggle around in his arms to try and get comfortable again.  Tony’s feet started to dig into James’ hips as he tried to climb him like a tree, pushing away the arms that were holding him too tightly and clinging to James’ shirt.

“Is there a doctor here?”  James asked.

Tony was steadily climbing him now, James had stopped holding on so tight and now kept a single hand on Tony’s back to support him and stop him if he fell.  The child swung one leg over James’ shoulder and got settled up there, his small hands holding tightly onto his hair to steady himself.

“Yes.”  The man said.

The man didn’t say much else.  Tony shifted his position a bit more so he was fully seated on James’ shoulders, one of his hands holding onto his hair and the other pressing against his forehead.  James decided not to react, the longer Tony played whatever little game he had made up the more he giggled.  It was a nice sound to hear.

“Where is the doctor?”  James asked.

The man just grunted and pointed down the street.  He didn’t say another word, hardly even looked at them as he waved them away.  James kept a hold on Tony’s legs, keeping him steady on his shoulders and making sure he stayed close.  If anyone tried to rip him away they wouldn’t get very far.

James grabbed his backpack from the car, slinging it over his shoulders as carefully as he could so he wouldn’t have to remove Tony from his spot.  The child seemed to like it up there, he could probably see for quite a while and was still holding onto James.  Perhaps it made him feel tall, or he just like being able to see, either way James was going to let Tony sit on his shoulders for as long as he wanted to be there.

They left the car sitting in front of the gas station and slowly made their way further into town.  The car was a beacon, if anyone came looking for them they would check there first.  There were few places to hide a car in a town like this but James could keep just himself and Tony tucked out of sight until they found the doctor.  It was an incredibly small town, most of the buildings clustered up near the sea. There were small alleyways and empty lots behind many of the buildings, all of them dark and poorly lit and James could slip into them without anyone noticing.  It would be best to let Tony see the doctor and then they leave as soon as possible without causing too much of a disturbance in the town.  Most of the people here shouldn’t see them.

“You have to be brave for me, okay?”  James asked.  He didn’t look up at Tony, just kept a steady hold on his legs to keep him from falling over.  “I know you won’t trust the doctor.  They won’t be like Zola, I promise.  Just behave and I’ll make sure you don’t get hurt.”

“Okay.”  Tony said.

“Because you’re sick.  You have to eat more and rest.  Just do what I tell you to.”  James said.

“Okay, Appa.”

James didn’t trust doctors.  He spent way too many days strapped down to a table to do that.  Too many memories of needles and scalpels and cold blank masks to be at all comfortable with Tony being anywhere near a doctor.  But the child was sick, a bit more lively today, but still warm to the touch. 

He walked further into town and watched as pedestrians passed by, men carrying large bundles from the sea and women with children on their hips.  There were teenagers wandering around with no sense of purpose and a few stray cats and dogs followed a few of them in search of dropped food.  James kept Tony close, his hands loosely holding onto the boy’s legs to keep him from getting away.  They walked away from the main streets and down the darkened alleyways between the buildings.

Eventually they would have to talk to someone else to find the doctor.  James couldn’t just peek in every window until he found them.  Actually he could, it just wouldn’t be the best option.  James took a few more steps into the alley, the curtains drawn in the backs of the surrounding stores and houses.  There shouldn’t have been a single person around to see them.

James turned around with a sigh.  “You shouldn’t be here.”  He said as he faced Natalia.  She was following them, probably had been since they left Russia.

“I know.”  She said softly.  “But you really should be more careful.  It wasn’t hard at all to keep track of you.”

“Is anyone else here?”  He asked.  If Natalia could follow him then Hydra could too.  They could be surrounding them now and they would take his child away again.

Natalia shook her head.  “You’re a mess, someone had to make sure they didn’t follow you here.  You need to be more careful.”  She said and James knew she was right.  He had been driving the same car for too long, just left it sitting on the street here in the town.  They haven’t been hiding.  James left a trail.  “They think you’re heading East back into China.  It’s a large country, easy to find someplace quiet to hide in.  You’re welcome.”

“I didn’t ask you for that.”  James said.  Tony couldn’t sit on his shoulders anymore.  If they needed to run then he would have to be someplace more stable where he wouldn't fall off or be exposed.  The child whined and tried to push away as James reached up to grab him and started kicking and shouting as he was pulled from his spot.

“You can leave him.  I’m not going to do anything.  I’m here to help.”  Natalia said, her eyes landing on the child with an interested glint.

“I don’t need your help.”

“Yes, you do.  You’ve been compromised.  You’re reckless.  The child is sick and it’s throwing you off.”  She said quickly, her tone even.  “Have you fed him yet?”

James didn’t answer.  It wasn’t her business.  He needed her to get the child’s file for him and once that was complete she was free to go.  She should have ran away and found someplace safe for herself.  Hydra was after him, not her, and she foolishly decided to follow him.

“James.”  Natalia said, pinning him with a look.  James turned his body to hide the child away.

“He needs a doctor.  He’s been eating, not enough to help him, but he’s still eating.”  James said quickly.  He wanted her to leave.  Natalia didn’t belong here.  “Tony needs a doctor.”

She didn’t look like she was going anywhere.  He could make her leave.  James could scare her, scream at her, attack her until she left him for someplace safer where she can live the rest of her life away from all of them.  Then he could get away with Tony and they could do the same.

“Alright.  Let’s get him to the doctor.”  Natalia said as she took several small steps forward, her hands open in front of her in a placating gesture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To coxist, you wanted fluffy snuggles so here's a bit of fluffy snuggles, but not much. I'll add more next time.


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it is me. We are officially 35 chapters in. Wow, so much of the story left to go. Did I mention that this was gonna be hella long?

“What is the problem with him?”  The doctor asked, nodding to the child wiggling in James’ arms.  She gestured to have him hand Tony over, but the woman was a stranger and regardless of any medical training James didn’t trust her.  Not with Tony.

James pulled the child close to his chest, feeling the child’s warmth through his shirt.  Tony wasn’t as hot as he had been before.  He slept often, James could coax him into eating small bits of food every once in a while, and maybe that was all the child needed to be well again.  There was no need for doctors, no need for cold hands and scalpels.  Tony didn’t need a doctor.

“Sounds like influenza.”  The doctor said.  Natalia had said something to her, but James hadn’t heard it.  He felt the child wiggling against him, small hands reaching up and curling into his hair, and the gentle patting of Tony’s foot against his stomach.  He was hyperaware of the child in his arms, but the rest of the world seemed to be fading away.  The doctor turned towards them and took a step closer.  “Hand him here.”

“No.”  James said, pulling Tony tight against him.  “No, this was a mistake.  We should go.”

The doctor seemed confused, looking to Natalia as if she were the rational one among them.  James frowned at the thought.  She was nothing to the child, just a dangerous stranger who had no reason of being here with them besides to cause trouble.  James was the one Tony trusted, he was the one who held the child, protected him, and kept him as fed and nourished as he could.  This was a trap, some deadly trick.  This doctor was trying to take his child away from him.

“James,” Natalia asked softly, reaching out to him slowly and not pursuing him further when he pulled away.  “You’re the one who wanted to bring Tony to a doctor.  You said he needed it.  He is very sick, remember.”

James did remember, but saying that Tony needed a doctor and actually handing him over to this woman was two entirely separate things.  When James told Natalia that the child needed a doctor it was with the intention of making sure whatever was running through his veins wasn’t causing additional harm or that he would stop being sick and eventually get better.  But handing Tony over to a doctor was impossible; James knew doctors and they were cold and sinister.  Doctors are the ones who took away his humanity, they tied him down and twisted him until he was hardly a person anymore.  Then they tried to do the same to Tony.

This doctor was a small woman, her skin darker than the rest of the residents of the village and thus probably didn’t originate here.  She was an outsider, just like them.  James couldn’t trust her with Tony; it was taking all of his self-control not to kill her and run away.

“Relax, you are holding him too tightly.”  Natalia said.  Russian, she was speaking Russian so the words were meant just for him.

James pulled away as Natalia came closer.  This was a trap, it had to be a trap.  Natalia walked them straight to a doctor that would take his child from him and send him back to Zola.  James couldn’t let that happen.  He would die before he let Tony go back there.

“Stop it, Appa.”  Tony said, wiggling against him and trying to pull his arms out from James’ grasp.  He was holding Tony too tightly, his arm wrapped around the child’s shoulders and nearly crushing him against his chest.  He loosened his hold immediately so that instead of holding him in place with his arm he had just his hand on Tony’s back.  He could feel his back and ribs and nothing felt broken or cracked, Tony was fine.  The child wasn’t even crying.

Time was flowing strangely, his head felt clouded, and all he knew was that doctors were dangerous.  Natalia took a small step towards him with her hands clearly visible in front of her.  She was still a threat even without any weapons in her hands.  She had killed people with her bare hands before, had killed many people, children even.  How could he trust her with Tony when she had killed children?

“You have as well.”  Natalia said calmly.  Her body was still relax as she stood in front of him, just out of arms reach.  The sight was nothing like an enemy ready to attack but a calm woman waiting with open arms.  “Don’t you remember?”

He did remember.  He remembered training her to kill, teaching her how to choke the life from a man and where on the body to stab to prevent a large, bloody mess.  He taught her efficiency and how to be deadly, and she had been good at it.  James remembered that.  He remembered the wicked grin on her face when he taught her something particularly deadly and she got it right.  There was a thin black knife she always kept hidden on her, the guards that always watched them didn’t know about it and James never felt a need to tell them.

When he was training Natalia, a young woman already raised and shaped by the people wanting to use her, he would sneak her candy.  The missions required him to travel, he would hide in abandoned warehouses and in empty rooms, waiting for his target to appear.  He would pass by a shop unnoticed and get her something small.  James never knew why he did it, Natalia never thanked him.  She had been too old for candy, too broken and manipulated for such small acts of kindness.

James remembered a lot, more than he realized.  There was a memory of her dancing, the gracefulness of her feet and the almost effortless way she moved.  She danced like she killed and James almost felt sick that he enjoyed remembering that.

“Stop talking.”  Natalia said.  She sounded calm and reassuring and James could see the lies in that tone.  She wasn’t an ally.  “You’re panicking.  You’re not thinking clearly.  The best way to keep your healthy and alive is to let a doctor see him.”

“Doctors aren’t safe.”  James whispered.  Tony was wiggling against him, trying to escape from his hold.  It was a good sign though, the movement was comforting, Tony was alive and he was getting better.  “What if she is one of them?”

“She’s not, do you think I would take you to them?”  Natalia asked.  The doctor didn’t seem to understand their conversation, the whole thing said in hushed Russian whispers.  “Don’t answer that, I already know the answer.  You don’t trust me, I don’t care.  But you stole a child and now you have to take care of him.”

The doctor seemed to be waiting patiently, her arms crossed in front of her as she watched Tony from afar.  The child was calm, only a soft heat radiating from him.  He was still sick.  Tony’s face was flushed and his movements slow; he was eating only nibbles and although it was more than what he had been eating before it still wasn’t enough.

James turned away from Natalia and walked around her.  He didn’t trust her and he didn’t trust the doctor, but Tony needed help that James wasn’t qualified to give him.  “Do not hurt him.”  James told the woman, his voice a clear command.  She understood that language, she simply nodded and let James set the child down on the table.

His hands were shaking as he set Tony down, he was close to just grabbing him and running away.  Natalia would still follow him and as more and more memories of her surfaced in his head he was shifting between a constant state of mistrust and affection.  He remembered her brushing the hair from his eyes when no one was looking and giving him the softest smiles, and then he would remember her setting fire to hospitals to get to a target with no regard for the civilians inside.  He didn’t want her near Tony and he hated that he was no better than her.

The doctor stepped forward, seeming surprised that James didn’t move from his spot by Tony’s side.  If anything went wrong then James had to stay close to pluck him away.  She instead worked around him in an attempt to stay out of James’ way, pressing her hand to Tony’s forehead and tilting his head up to look at his face.

“How old is he?”  She asked.  She was definitely an outsider, not only were her features different than the rest of the villagers, but so was her accent.

She turned to James as she waited for the answer and he was stunned to realize he didn’t know.  He remembered the year Tony was born, it had been in the file.  He had barely touched the thing; it was too poisoned by the monsters who hurt them.  Tony was born in 1970, but the problem was that James realized he wasn’t entirely certain what the year was now.  He must have known at one point, he had asked Nick the same question all that time ago.  He doesn’t know what the answer was.

“He’s four years old.  Almost five.”  Natalia said, answering for him.  James turned and gave her an accusing look.  She had no right knowing more about his child than he did.  She simply stared back at him, raising an accusing eyebrow.  She answered him in Russian, a secret language just for the two of them while they were here.  “I read the entire file.  Trust me, he needs to see a doctor.”

The words settled in the pit of James’ stomach, curling tightly around him and squeezing until he thought he was going to be sick.  There was a reason Natalia was insistent on seeing a doctor and if she was to be trusted and it truly was something in Tony’s file then he wasn’t sure what he should do.  He felt helpless, worthless.  He was the most deadly assassin in the world and he couldn’t even save a single child.

“There is an issue with his heart.”  The woman said, she had one hand on Tony’s back and the other holding a small tool as she listened.  Tony was wiggling, trying to push her hands away and reach for James.

“Appa, stop it.”  Tony said, whining as the woman leaned in closer and pressed the tool higher on his chest and adjusted the pieces in her ears.  “No.”

“What do you mean there is an issue?”  James asked quickly.  He was about to push the woman away.  This was a mistake.  Tony was uncomfortable, loudly whining and trying to reach out for James.  The doctor tried to shush him, her body hunching over more as she tried to listen to Tony’s heart.  “No, don’t tell him to shush.  Tony’s allowed to be loud.”

The child was close to tears now, desperately batting away the woman’s hands and James finally pushed her aside and took the child, pulling him close.  This was wrong, it was a trap.  The doctor wasn’t good, she wasn’t safe.  Natalia just watched on calmly.  She stayed in James’ line of sight and kept her hands open and visible.  He backed away from her too, positioning himself between Tony and the two women.

“James, calm down.  I know you’ve had a stressful day, but you’re scaring the kid.  He’s smart, he knows you’re upset so he’s going to be upset too.   Please stop so the doctor can help him.”  Natalia said softly.  James shouldn’t trust her.  She was dangerous, she was a killer.  Not only was Natalia raised by the enemy but she worked with them not too long ago. 

He had asked her help and now she was following them.  How long had that been?  How long ago was Russia?  How long have they been running?  James couldn’t make sense of his head.  All he knew was that Natalia had been an enemy.

“There was a murmur.”  The doctor said.  She looked at James and then glanced at Tony, curled up tightly against James’ chest as he cried and clung to his shirt.  “His heart is beating in an unhealthy rhythm.  Hand him back so I can try to figure out what it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, is Natalia and the doctor to be trusted????


	36. Chapter 36

James took a step back, his eyes darting between Natalia and the doctor that she had taken them too.  This had been a mistake.  Tony was fine, he was eating more now.  It was dangerous to expose him to strangers, especially someone at all connected to Natalia.  She was a killer, she was deadly, and James remembered her.

He was remembering so much now, his head was pounding with the echoed voices in his memories.  He could hear people beg for mercy, could feel the blood on his hands.  He felt so cold.  Ice was running up his back and digging into the muscles of his shoulder.  His arm, a monstrosity, was aching from where it connected to him.  His body didn’t feel right.  It meant he should leave, didn’t it?  His gut was telling him something was wrong.

“James, calm down.”  Natalia said softly, her hands in clear view in front of her.  She took a small step forward, reaching out to him.

“Stop!”  James said as he jumped back.

“Stop it.”  Tony repeated softly and his tiny hands curled in tightly against James’ shirt.

The child kept wiggling in his arms, kept trying to either climb him or slip loose.  James kept a tight hold on him.  He couldn’t let Tony get away.  This place was dangerous, it was deadly.  They had to leave.

“You’re scaring Tony.  Don’t you see it?  You’re panicking, you’re not thinking straight, and the kid is picking up on that.”  Natalia said.

Tony was wiggling more, his hands tight as he held onto James, but that could be settled later.  James had to get away; every thought in his head was telling him to run and every muscle in his body tense and ready for an attack.  James didn’t risk a look down at him to see if he was scared or not, Tony trusted him and keeping that trust meant getting him away from danger.  James didn’t take his eyes off of the women in front of him.

“Please give me the child.”  The doctor asked softly.  She was such a small woman, but she had enough muscle mass to indicate she would put up a fight.  James pulled Tony tighter against him.  The last time he let a stranger hold Tony she was a woman who let them get captured by SHIELD.  A trap.

“This is a trick.  You lied.”  James said, all but growling at them.  “It’s a trick.  You can’t take him from me.”

They were Hydra.  Hydra or Shield.  There was no other option.  The doctor wanted Tony too much and Natalia couldn’t be trusted.  James shouldn’t have gone with her in the first place.  Tony was wiggling more, his hands tugging at James’ shirt as he rambled his gibberish.  This was confusing, he didn’t know where he was, what country he was in, or why he had even stopped here.  He couldn’t remember.  He didn’t know anything besides that fact that Tony had to be kept safe.

“James.”  Natalia said.  He looked at her, studied her, and waited for her to be honest with her betrayal.  She was a snake, a sinister little spider trying to take his child away.

“I won’t let you have him.  He’s mine.” James said.  His back hit the wall, not close enough to the door to just leap away and run.  There was little chance he could escape without a fight, not with Natalia so close and with the doctor eyeing his child.  “You can’t have him.  I won’t go back there, I won’t let you take him back there.”

“James, you’re not making sense.  Calm down before you do something stupid.” Natalia said.  She was coming closer again, she kept walking closer and closer and James slapped her hand away when she reached for his shoulder.  “You’re panicking, do you understand?  You’re not thinking straight right now and if you hurt the kid accidentally then everything will be ruined.  Is that what you want?  You want to ruin things and hurt your boy?”

“Shut up!”  James shouted, he turned his body so he was shielding Tony from them, so the doctor would stop looking at him, so Natalia couldn’t reach out and pluck him away.  “You’re lying, you’re a liar.  This is a trick.  You can’t have him.”

“Stop it.”  Tony said, trying to peek over James’ shoulder at the two of them.  James wanted to tell him to be quiet, to not draw attention to himself, but the very thought of asking Tony for silence made him feel even sicker than he already did.  He felt so cold, his hands shaking and his body hurting and he had to get away.

Natasha sighed, closing her eyes and shaking her head.  “You’re beyond reason.”

She darted forward, ducking below James’ arm as he reached out to shove her away.  He let go of Tony as Natalia’s arm wrapped around his throat and she tried to pull him away from the wall.  He grabbed onto her arm with his right hand and then let his left swing around to hit her.  The metal arm had force behind it, it could tear through walls and buildings and he was willing to use it to get these people away from him.

The exit was open now, he could just turn and grab Tony and run.  He could get away, but Natalia twisted her body just enough prevent James’ fist from colliding with her head.  There was a knife hidden in his jacket, he had a few knives, but the guns were still in the car.  He shoved Natalia back as hard as he could, hearing her grunt as her back hit the far wall, and he grabbed it.  The knife left its sheath smoothly and felt good in his hands, like it belonged there.

“I’m not your enemy.  I’m not going to take him away.”  Natalia said.  She stood tall, but stayed close to the wall.  “You’re not thinking clearly; I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I’m not here to hurt you or Tony.”

“You’re a liar.”  James said.  He held the knife tightly.  He would kill her if he had to.  He wasn’t going to let her destroy what they had.  Tony was away from Hydra, James was away from them as well, and Natalia was going to send them back.

“Yes, I am, but you are too.  Don’t you remember me?”  She asked.  She raised her hands up in a display of surrender, her eyes piercing him.  James could pinpoint every vital area she was leaving open.  He could tackle her, just charge at her and drive the blade into her so fast she wouldn’t feel a thing.  He could get away.  “I’m not going to take Tony away.  He’s sick, you know he is.  A healthy child doesn’t have the problems that he has.  You have to see that.”

“Shut up.”  James said.  He was backing away from her.  It was time to leave, time to get Tony to safety.  “This is a trick, you’re lying.”

“No, I’m not.  If you need to run away, fine, but please read the file.  Tony has a lot of issues and you need to figure them out if he’s going to survive out here.  You act like you care about the kid so please just take care of him.”  Natalia said firmly, her hands dropping to her sides and her body relax.  “Please, let me help you.”

James didn’t trust her.  She talked as if there was something important that he was missing, something that connected the two of them and would settle whatever distrust he had.  He didn’t care what it was, he didn’t trust her.  He gave her a chance to get away from the Red Room by drawing away the attention and yet she was still here.  She wanted something.

“Leave me alone.  I’ll kill you if you come near me again.”  James said.  He didn’t want to kill her, that much he knew, but he didn’t trust her.  She was dangerous.  He felt so raw and vulnerable and his body was getting ready to fall apart.  He had to get away.

He backed up to the wall, his knife still held firmly in his hand and keeping a close eye on the two women.  The doctor was crouching down and pressing herself in the corner, his attention focused on the bit of silver she saw around his wrist.  This was bad, she was a witness, Hydra would track him here.  He reached out for Tony in the spot James had left him, waiting for the child to take his hand so he could pull him close and run away.

“He’s not here.  He’s not…”  James kept tapping the wall, not taking his eyes off of the two women in front of him.  Tony wasn’t taking his hand.  James couldn’t hear him moving, couldn’t hear his breathing or his muttering or any other sound Tony made.  “What did you do with him?  Where is he?  You can’t… He’s mine!”

James was shaking visibly now, not just a slight tremble in his chest and back that only he felt, but his hands couldn’t hold steady.  He was still dangerous, he could still kill if needed, but he felt like he was breaking apart.  He pulled his hand back and then slammed it against the wall.  Tony wasn’t here, James’ eyes darted around the small room to find him, but he didn’t stop looking at Natalia for too long.

“I didn’t touch him.  I was a bit busy trying to stop you from crushing him or killing me.  He probably ran off to hide somewhere.”  Natalia said.  James didn’t listen.  She couldn’t be trusted and if she knew where Tony disappeared to then he would beat the answer from her if he had to.  “I told you, you were scaring him.  He’s probably hiding somewhere nearby.  Let’s go find him.”

“No!  You stay away from him.”  James said.  “You- This is your fault!  You’re a liar, a killer.  Where is he?”

He turned away from her and darted out the door.  He had to find Tony.  He was close by, he couldn’t just disappear into thin air.  James couldn’t live out here without Tony.  The child helped him feel like a real person again, like a human being instead of a machine used to torture and kill.  There was nothing good left in him and the only decent thing he had ever done was take care of that child.

The street was peaceful, even though the sound of soldiers marching and guns firing off were ringing in his ears he didn’t see a damn thing besides civilians and families walking by as they went about their lives.  Tony wasn’t on the street waiting for him.  Perhaps he was hiding, James had told him to do that before when they were attacked and there was a chance Tony had decided to do that again.

“He’ll be okay.  He’s a smart kid.”  Natalia said, appearing beside him.  James wanted to shove her aside, wanted to make her disappear so they could be safe again.  “I know you’re scared, I know you don’t trust me, but you need to calm down.  Sit down and take a deep breath, whatever makes you feel better, because you’re going to cause more harm than good like this.”

“Like what?”  James asked, his eyes scanning the crowd.  His hand, still clutching the knife tightly, was shaking with energy.

“Jumpy.  Careless.  You’re dangerous right now and as soon as you’re calm again and less likely to start murdering people in the street then I’ll leave.  Once Tony’s safe I’ll get out of your hair and you don’t ever have to see me again.”  She said, her tone almost accusing.

James could feel tension in every muscle in his body, his head starting to pound from the stress or the memories banging around in his head.  Natalia was in his thoughts, whispering sweet things and trying to dig out memories and he didn’t want to know them.  He didn’t trust her.  She had to leave.

“I’m going to kill you if we can’t find him.  If he’s hurt or taken then I’ll beat your head in with my bare hands.”  James said.  He didn’t sound as intimidating as he wanted to.  He sounded scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, James doesn't seem to be doing alright at the moment. The last chapter I asked you guys if Natalia and the doctor were trustworthy, they still might be since James seems to be in a distressed state. Hopefully he's okay. It would be terrible if something happened. :)


	37. Chapter 37

There was a strange feeling of panic rushing through James as he ran down the streets and ducked into alleyways looking for Tony.  His heart was pounding, his body feeling shaky bursts of adrenaline, but his thoughts were calm.  If he didn’t find his child and if something horrible had happened to Tony then James would burn this village to the ground and burn Natalia with it.

“I didn’t hurt him so stop glaring at me like that.”  Natalia said quickly as James changed course and started rushing down a new path.  “You’re the one who scared him off.”

James wanted her gone, he didn’t want her to speak to him and to poison his mind like the others had again and again.  He just wanted Tony back, safe and happy with him.  Natalia was not safe; not by anyone’s definition.  The village wasn’t large, by no means a bustling city, but with Tony missing it felt like there were too many dark alleys and too many people with cruel intentions and unkind hands.

The last time Tony had run off, not taken from him like with SHIELD, was in that motel.  They had been attacked.  Right before they had crossed the ocean and escaped the Americas.  Hydra had come for them and James had slaughtered them.  Perhaps Tony thought they were under attack again and went to hide and wait for him.

James stopped and turned around, darting the other direction.  They had been heading to check another dark alley, but a new idea formed in James’ mind.  He knew his child, Tony was scared so he would go somewhere to wait for James.  Tony trusted him to come get him and keep him safe.

Natalia was following close behind, hot on his heels and not falling behind no matter how fast James sprinted through the streets.  He didn’t want her near Tony, she wasn’t worthy of being near the boy and wasn’t to be trusted to keep him safe.

Tony was there waiting for him, sitting on the ground next to their car with his knees pulled up close.  He looked like such a small bundle leaning against the car, tiny and delicate and James darted towards him.  When Tony glanced up and saw him running he jumped to his feet and his arms reached out to him in a silent plea to be held.  James immediately knelt down to take him into his arms, pulling him close against his chest with the metal arm wrapped around Tony’s back to keep him protected.

“See, he’s fine.” Natalia said.  She didn’t come too close, just out of arms reach where she couldn’t grab the child easily.  “Now let’s sit down and relax before you accidentally kill someone.”

“You should leave.”  James said.  Tony peeked his head over James’ shoulder to look at her.  The child was smart, he probably understood that Natalia was a threat.  After their fight that caused Tony to run off, there was no doubt Tony was wary of the woman.  “If I’m going to kill anyone it’s going to be you.”

Natalia didn’t seem to take the threat at face value, she instead rolled her eyes and sighed.  “Really?  Because I haven’t laid a hand on you or the kid, I brought you to a doctor just as I said I would, and you have reacted violently to nothing.”

He turned away from her, listening carefully for the sound of her footsteps if she dared come any closer.  Tony was alive, he was alright.  James pressed his mouth to the top of his head and just held him.  They were safe for now, the two of them should leave.

As he turned to open the car door Natalia’s hand shot out to push it shut again.  Tony’s hands tightened on James’ shirt and he turned to face her, his eyes narrowing and his body tensing in case there was another fight.

“You can’t just leave and ignore what just happened.  You’re panicked and you’re dangerous.”  Natalia said as she calmly met his gaze.  He jerked away from her, keeping Tony close to his chest.  “I’m not your enemy.”

“You can’t be trusted.  This is a trap, it’s a trick.”  James said.  The doctor wasn’t right, she didn’t belong in this place.  She was a trick.  Natalia was trying to get his guard down and take his child away.  Although it was almost a success, Tony was still his.  “You lied.  You followed me.  I told you to leave but you followed me.  I gave you a chance to get away, but you followed me.  You’re up to something.”

“I’m trying to keep you safe.”  Natalia said quickly.  “You’re a stubborn asshole and you’re panicking.  You’re not stable right now.  You’re going to either going to get yourself killed or you’re going to get your child killed.  You’re not in thinking straight, you’re irrational, and you’re going to hurt Tony.”

James didn’t believe her.  She was manipulative, her words were poisonous lies and he would never hurt Tony.  Every time he woke up he protected Tony, whether it was in the car on a new day or out of cryofreeze for a new mission and an empty mind.  Every single time James felt compelled to find Tony and keep him safe, even when he had no idea who Tony was.

None of this mattered.  What was important was that Natalia stopped following him and he got Tony far away from this village and that doctor who didn’t belong.

“Why do you care?  You don’t belong here, you’ve never cared about the death of a child before.  I’ve seen them killed, I remember dozens of children dying at your hand.”  James said.  He wanted to shout, to scream at her until she went away and he didn’t have to see her again.  She was a monster, here to trick him and take away the little humanity he had left.  “What do you want with me?  Why won’t you just leave me alone?  Leave!”

James saw her step forward and perceived it as an attack.  His grip on Tony loosened, ready to drop the child to free his hands to fight her off, but he hesitated.  If he let go of Tony then James couldn’t protect him anymore, if he didn’t have Tony in his arms then he could disappear again or get hurt.  He pivoted his body, moving Tony away from her and let go of one hand.  He was still holding Tony; it wasn’t impossible for James to fight her off with one hand.  As Natalia’s hands reached up to his head his metal hand shot out and grabbed onto her shirt so he could try and shove her away.  The moment her lips pressed against his he froze.

He wanted to push her away and run, to get Tony as far from her as possible.  She was messing with his head, she had to be because James didn’t think he could move anymore.  It felt so familiar.  Everything felt familiar these days, even things he was certain he had never seen or felt or heard before, like the sound of Tony’s ragged breathing or Natalia’s soft lips on his.

Nothing much happened besides the overwhelming feeling of familiarity.  Nothing clicked in his head and he immediately calmed down or remembered who he was.  He didn’t feel like a real person.  He didn’t stop panicking and worrying and feeling like this was a trap.  The only changes were that he didn’t think he could move away from the kiss and he felt like there should be something more happening.  That was the strangest part, nothing happened but James felt that something should.

Natalia pulled back first, ducked her head, and sighed.  “That wasn’t fair of me.”  She said and took a step back.  “You don’t even remember.”

“Remember what?”  James asked as he took a step back.

“Yuck.”  Tony mumbled.  He held tightly onto James’ shirt, his eyes red and his breathing labored.

Natalia smiled as she looked down at the child, even as James tightened his hold and twisted to hide him from sight.  She was going to lie to him.  Whatever he supposedly didn’t remember must be some elaborate trick to get him to trust her, to get him to go back to that doctor and give up his child.

Natalia gave a small smile and took a step back.  “It’s not important.  I’m sure you’ll remember one day.”  She said.  James wanted to argue with her because he already remembered so much about her.  His head couldn’t wrap around the length of time, he wasn’t sure if he had known her for weeks or years, but she always looked the same when he saw her.  She was always the same age it seemed, same bright green eyes and soft skin.  The only difference was her hair, the same fiery red, had a dozen different cuts and styles every time he saw her again.

“I remember you.”  James said, furrowing his eye brows as he stared at her.  He remembered teaching her to cover someone’s mouth before stabbing them.  He remembered breaking her arm when they kept testing her.  He remembered kissing her in an alleyway, the two of them covered in another man’s blood.  He remembered her soft whispers when she told him of her dreams of getting away.  He remembered watching her suffocate a child with her bare hands and then report a success to her handlers.

His head felt like it was spinning with the memories.  He didn’t know what he was.  He wasn’t a real person anymore, just a weapon, a murderer.  He felt warm when he held Tony and he felt warm when he remembered Natalia, but she was still just as much of a monster as he was.  She was dangerous.

“You wanted to get away from them and I helped you do that.”  James said, he felt like he was going to shake apart.  He didn’t like feeling like this.  He was scared and confused and didn’t know what he wanted anymore.  He didn’t know who he was.  “But you should leave.  I have to keep him safe and you’re dangerous.”

“You’re also dangerous.”  She said, forcing a smile and taking another step back.  “But please calm down.  You’re paranoid and you’re sloppy.  If I can follow you all the way from Russia than other’s can too.  And if you don’t trust anyone then you’re going to isolate your child, you’ll only end up hurting him worse.”

James wanted to tell her to leave.  Her opinions on what he should do were meaningless, she was dangerous and a threat and he should kill her now before she has time to hurt him or his child.  He was fine.

“I want you to leave.  If I catch you following me again then I will kill you.”  He said as he turned to open the car door and slide Tony into the seat.

“You’ve told me that before.” Natalia said.  “I’ll go away.”

Just by her tone James could tell she was lying.  She would continue to follow them and the thought made him feel warm again.  It was confusing, he shouldn’t feel that way about a dangerous woman whom he should kill to keep himself safe.  But a small feeling had appeared in his head and he wanted her close by.  It was similar to the feeling he had with Tony, where he felt almost like a real person again.

“And if you’re not going to trust a doctor with Tony than at least read his file.  It has a full medical report.”  Natalia said.  She was backing away now, farther and farther in an act of leaving.  “And stop being so suspicious of people.  Be on the lookout for anyone chasing you, but if you stay like this you’re going to kill someone.”

James stopped acknowledging her.  He shouldn’t put so much trust into her words.  He was fine, his body felt like it was going to shake apart and his heart was beating fast, but he had Tony again.  They were safe and he was never going to let anyone take his child from him.  He had to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see everything is fine :)


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have gotten so many nice comments recently and I want you guys to know that although I may not be replying to a lot of them I do read every single one. Thank you all so much!!

Tony was in a bad mood.  Of course the child would be upset after the day he had had, but James found that he had less patience than usual.  Tony was scared and loud and kept kicking at the doors and dashboard of the car until James gave him the attention he wanted.  The child wanted to be held, but they had to keep driving.

The child wanted to be held, no doubt he was stressed and still sick and wanted James to hold him close and protect him.  But he couldn’t.  James was holding onto the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white from the strain.  He was half tempted to just rip it out and toss it aside.  It was such a violent urge, one that he wasn’t going to give into.  There was the tenseness in his muscles, the firm grip of his hands, and the whirlwind of his thoughts that told him to pull over and beat the hunk of metal of the car into nothing more than a pile of scrap and then he would feel relax again.  As if it was all a nervous energy keeping him on edge that he needed to release.  James didn’t trust it.  He didn’t want to hold Tony at the moment.

“Appa.”  Tony said, over and over as he reached his arms out in a nonverbal plea.  When that failed to catch James’ attention long enough to get him to pick up the child, Tony would try to climb into his lap.  “Appa, please.”

“No.”  James said.  He moved Tony away.  He wanted it to be just a gentle nudge so the child moved back into his seat, but it turned more into a shove that knocked Tony against the door.  Before he had time to respond the child let out a loud, high pitched scream.  Tony slid away and onto the floorboard, his small body tucking in easily out of reach.

James let off the gas and eased the car to stop, his grip on the steering wheel only tightening until he felt it bend under his strength.  By the time he pried his hands away he had left the steering wheel broken and misshapen, nearly cracking apart from the strain James had given it.  He pulled his hands close to his chest to stop himself from reaching out for the child and accidentally injuring him.

Despite the heat of the desert, James was cold as he got out of the car.  He was shivering and trembling and James didn’t know how to stop.  Instead of dropping to his knees as he expected to, he twisted his body quickly and slammed his metal fist into the back door of the car, denting it and almost breaking through.  There was the tingling sensation of something crawling all over him, under his skin, and pain ached through his arm, and his flesh hand went up to the groove where his metal shoulder sank into the skin.  It was no use, James would never be rid of it even as he dug his nails in to get it out.  It stung, but the tingling died a bit as he dug in.

He screamed and so far away from any towns and cities there was no one there to hear it.  It was just screaming, he had to let it out, and it did no good at all.  He punched the side of the car again, this time with his flesh hand and as the metal bent the sharp edges dug into his knuckles.  Blood started to drip steadily down his fingers into the dirt and James felt like he was still so wound up.

The panic rose in his chest and he felt like they were being attacked, but there was nothing around for miles, no other people, no danger.  He fell to his knees in the hot sand and let out another loud cry.  For a moment he wished he hadn’t sent Natalia away, at least then he could pretend she was the one he was scared of.  Right now there was nothing and yet every inch of him was telling him there was a danger, that something was wrong, that he had to fight.

If he couldn’t find something to fight then he had to hide.  James needed to defend himself for when the attack came.  He needed to stay alive.  He slid across the dirt until his back was to the dented metal of the car’s back door.  He pulled his knees up close to protect his chest and waited.  His breathing came fast and ragged and James wondered if he was sick too.  Maybe he was dying.  Whatever Hydra made condition they had forced on his child had somehow passed onto him.

His heart was beating fast, his breathing never evened out, and James stayed at his post and scanned the horizon for any sign of nearby hostiles.  He saw nothing, just a shimmer over the dirt as the heat radiated off of it.  It was the only movement he could make out and he waited to see anything further, anything at all.  Nothing came.  James waited there until the shimmer from the heat disappeared as the sun set and he was left in the dark.

He pushed himself up off of the ground and leaned against the car.  His body felt off centered.  He wasn’t sure how long he was left sitting on the ground, but his muscles had grown stiff holding that position.  The dried blood cracked as he moved his hands and his shoulders.  The deep scratches had already healed and nothing remained of it besides the red flakes clinging to his skin.

“It was only a few hours.”  James said slowly as he looked over to Tony.  The child was resting his head on the seat but stayed on the floor, ready to dart back out of reach at a moment’s notice.  Tony had barely moved in the time James had been waiting for an attack, pressed against the side of the car like a sentry.  “Only a few hours.”  James said again.

Tony still didn’t move as James started the engine and began driving again.  They had a plan, they had to get to Africa and find a nice, quiet place for them to settle.  The child didn’t come out of hiding as he drove, didn’t ask to be held, and didn’t even saw a word. 

The boy looked up at him and waited.  Tony didn’t crawl up off of the floor into the seat, didn’t reach out to him to be held, didn’t even call for him.  It was quiet in the car as they drove.  James focused on keeping the car going straight, his hands tight on the steering wheel.

“It was the fight with Natalia.  She put me on edge.”  James mumbled.  He didn’t know what was happening to him.  “Or… it was Russia.  Going back to Russia did this.”

Tony lifted his head up off of the seat it was resting on and tilted it to the side.  The movement caught James’ attention and his eyes darted to the boy.  The already broken steering wheel bent even further as James tightened his grip, every muscle in his body tensing as if he was about to lash out.  There was no danger, he silently reminded himself, it was just a child.

“What?”  Tony asked, looking up at him and wiggling in his seat. 

“You heard me.  Russia, it was definitely Russia.  We should never go back there.”  James said quickly.  The Soviets knew how to ruin things.  They stopped him from being a person, they turned him into a weapon, and if they got their hands on Tony then there was no telling what would have happened.  “They’re following us.  Hydra is going to try and take you away from me.”

James was sure the threat was out there, even though he couldn’t see them.  Even though they had yet to make their move.  If they took Tony away from him then he would either burn the whole world to the ground trying to get him back or he would die.  There were no other options besides that.

He had to stop the car again.  He was moments away from ripping the steering wheel out of the car and throwing it through the windshield. If he wasn’t careful he would rip their vehicle apart out here in the middle of nowhere and he didn’t trust himself enough to carry the child to the next city.  He felt like his body was constricting, like his limbs were going to pull together and he would be trapped in a ball he couldn’t escape from.

Tony watched him and James saw how red the boy’s eyes were.  “Are you hungry?”  James asked, trying to sound casual.  It didn’t work, Tony just ducked his head a bit and scooted back a bit on the floor of the car, using the passenger seat as a makeshift shield.  “You’ve been sitting there for hours.  You have to eat.”

There was food in the bag in the backseat and James was scared to let go of the steering wheel.  It was almost broken and destroyed beyond use but it was also keeping his hands from lashing out and striking at something else.  Through force of will, James was able to extract his hands from their grip on the wheel and pull them close to his chest.  His breathing was ragged; there was no danger around and there was nothing to be so alarmed about.

“Talk to me.”  James asked.  His voice was shaking and he didn’t feel like he could take the silence anymore.  Too many thoughts were screaming in his head and James didn’t need the constant reminder of the monster he was.  He wanted to remember his child, curled up on the floorboard of the car, because he had shoved him away and left him there for who knows how long.  “Please talk.  You haven’t…. you’re not supposed to be this quiet.”

Tony didn’t say anything.  He just tilted his head a bit and then turned his body so his right side was leaning against the door and he turned his face slightly away from James.  The move seemed deliberate on the child’s part.  James didn’t know if it was the child projecting a desire to ignore him or not, but James stared at the left side of Tony’s face and the angle made the tears in the child’s eyes sparkle.

“Please don’t.”  James said.  He dropped his face into his hands, the heels digging into his eyes as his body shook.  “Not supposed to be scared of me.  I’m sorry I shoved you.  I just can’t hold you right now.  I’m sorry.  Talk to me, you’re always so loud!  Why won’t you talk to me?”

James’ words grew louder until he was shouting by the time he finished talking.  He was yelling at the boy, he didn’t want to do that.  He was supposed to keep Tony safe, but here he was just scaring him.

“Stop it.”  Tony murmured, his words were so quiet they almost went unheard.

“Get in the backseat, Tony.” James said.  His tone was too low, too harsh, and the child glanced over to him.  “Please, just get in the backseat.”

The child was too close to him, if James couldn’t stop himself then he didn’t want Tony to be in arms reach.  He didn’t want to lash out and hurt the boy.  It would be an accident, he had already done too much today, but he didn’t feel in control of his body anymore.

Tony moved slowly, watching James as he made his way off the floor and between the seats.  James was careful not to move as this happened.  Today was a bad day and Tony was scared.  James had to make certain Tony had nothing to be scared about. 

“Eat. There’s food in the bag.” James said.

He relaxed just a bit as he heard Tony start to shuffle through things to follow James’ orders.  It wasn’t much, but James closed his eyes tightly and focused on the sound of Tony moving around the back of the car and munch on whatever food he had.  James had to relax, he had to calm down and force the tension out of his body before he did something horrible.  They had to keep moving, there were too many delays and James tried to hurry up and let the sounds of his child calm him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. I haven't abandoned anything, but would you believe I wrote this almost to completion and then Word deleted it all. Then after a bad 2 months I rewrote it. Honestly I'm still upset because it was turning out so good. Hopefully this one meets expectations.

Tony didn’t try to talk to him, didn’t even peek his head up from the back seats to get his attention.  Besides the soft sounds of the boy munching on snacks and crinkling wrappers James could have forgotten he was there entirely.

It was better this way.  He had shoved the boy, scared him and hurt him just a little, and James couldn’t be allowed to do that.  Tony trusted him, James had to honor that.  It didn’t matter how much he wanted to hold his child and keep him close and safe.  It was best if Tony stayed away right now.

James focused on driving, it felt like such a long time before they made it to the next town.  The villages and cities were far apart in this country.  It could be considered a good thing.  James didn’t want to be near people.  His hands were shaking as he tried to grip the steering wheel as tight as he could without ripping it off.  There was something wrong inside of him and he didn’t know what it was.  Something inside his head.

He could hear Tony, moving around in the backseat, not saying anything, but still shifting and fidgeting with all the energy youth had given the boy.  James wanted to pull over and let him play.  Keeping him pent up in this tiny car would do him no good, but James knew that he had to get somewhere safe where they could rest soon.  He had already shoved the poor boy, he didn’t want to do something worse.

There were so many thoughts and voices and images rushing through his head he was surprised he hadn’t gone off the road just yet.  It was a risk, James didn’t trust himself, but he had to find a shelter to be safe in.  Whether it be an abandoned hut or a hotel, Tony needed a bed to sleep in and James needed space to figure out his thoughts.

There was a city growing in the distance.  Buildings only a few stories high were peeking out over the hills and slowly coming into view.  People would be there, James was tense, his muscles locking into place and he felt like he was trembling.  He was waiting for an attack, he was sure he would lash out at any perceived threat.  He would hurt someone.

“We’re going to rest.  You need to sleep.”  He whispered.  He heard Tony stop moving around in the back seat.  The child didn’t answer him.  “I need to sleep.  Be good please.”

James was scared.  There was a threat nearby, he could feel it, and he was almost certain he was going to lash out at something or someone.  It couldn’t be Tony.  James refused to hurt the boy again.  They could find someplace quiet, isolated.  Tony would have a roof over his head and a locked door keeping him safe and James would just have to make sure the child stayed away from him.

The city seemed too small for a city, but too crowded for a town or village.  James had an image in his head of buildings so tall the touched the sky. The buildings here were a few stories high, easy to climb if he needed to get to the rooftops.  Tony wasn’t a good climber.  The child tumbled in and out of seats with awkward clumsiness.

The city was large enough to have a hotel.  James didn’t want to stay somewhere with too many people but they needed running water and secure shelter.  He paid for the room, they would be there for some time, at least until all the tension and alertness drained from him.  It would be less suspicious this way, having paid for the room and asking for privacy.

Tony still hadn’t spoken to him.  The child kept his arms close to his chest, almost holding himself, as he looked up at James and then around at the building.  James couldn’t carry him.  The handles of their bags were held so tightly in his hand that if he was holding the boy then he would break Tony’s arm.  So Tony followed, scurrying on quiet, pattering feet and the sound was oddly soothing.

“Get on the bed.”  James said flatly.  The room was sparsely decorated, the lighting almost orange, and it seemed dirty, but there was a television set to keep the child occupied and a bathroom to hide in for the time being.  He watched Tony climb onto the bed and turned the tv on.  “Don’t move.”

Locking himself in the bathroom was a relief.  His hands were shaking, he had been clenching them so tightly he was sure he would instinctually hit someone or something if they moved too quickly.  It wasn’t good.  Tony had been too close by.  James could not hurt the child.

Now, with a locked door keeping the world safe from him, James slid down to the cold floor.  It was clean, not even any dust in the corners despite its old, dark appearance.  James tried to focus on the clean floor instead of the tremors that were wracking his body.  It was a clean floor.  Clean was good, there was no dirty or grime or blood lurking in the cracks.  Clean.

There wasn’t enough clean things inside of his head.  It was all sticky, wet, and bloody.  Everything was so bloody no matter how it went.  James could remember, he could see all of it lurking at the edges of his vision.  Dead people stalking him and trying to make the floor dirty.  It was his fault.  Whether it was by bullet or knife or the sheer force of his bare hands he had killed them and made everything in his head a mess. 

People were screaming.  James could hear them begging and crying and calling out for help.  He was a monster, he had killed them.  Everything hurt.  His head was pounding and his joints all seemed like they were freezing in place and tightening so much that the slightest movement was painful.  His shoulders were the worst.  It was almost like needles, thousands of them digging under his skin and punishing him for something he didn’t know he did.

He tried to sink deeper into the floor, hoping it would open up and lock him away.  His shoulder was hurting so much and no matter what he did and where he looked all James could see were the doctors hovering over him.  It was those doctors with their needles and scalpels that turned him into a monster.  He wasn’t a real person anymore, he was some beast haunted by the mess and the blood and the dead.

His shoulders hurt so much, they felt tight and broken.  The metal arm hanging heavy off of his shoulder and dragging it down.  It didn’t belong there.  That arm was why he kept seeing his targets and hearing them in his head.  It was a weapon and James had used it.  He didn’t want it to be part of him anymore, it was too dangerous to keep.

Tony was moving around on the bed.  It squeaked softly and he could hear it through the door.  Tony was safe.  He was fine and alive and James hadn’t ruined that yet.  That wouldn’t last.  James was a monster, he wasn’t even human anymore, and sooner or later he would hurt that boy.  There was the muffled sound of the tv, Tony wiggling and softly babbling to himself, and he couldn’t hear the voices anymore.  It was quiet.

The room was colder than it had been when he first came in here.  His body was stiff and he had curled into a tight ball in the corner of the bathroom.  His shoulder was bleeding sluggishly, James’ fingers still digging into the soft skin surrounding the metal of the prosthetic.  The fingers didn’t want to move, they stayed in their place.  All the pain he had just been feeling now felt like a dull stinging all over.  It was manageable.

James pushed himself to sit up, his body aching from the change in position.  He wasn’t sure how long he had been laying there in such a tight, curled up position, but it had to have been a long while.  His hands fell to his side as he pushed himself up to stand.  His shoulder had stopped bleeding, but it felt cold and stiff as the blood dried in hard flakes.  He would have to wash it off before he left.

The water was cold.  Everything was cold now.  The blood took a bit of scrubbing to get off of his hands and his shoulder.  The wound was still healing and visible through the hole he had torn in his shirt without realizing it.  He looked dead, his skin pale and his eyes sunken in.  With the blood on his shirt he could almost mistake himself for one of the targets he had left broken in his head.  It was unsettling.

With a deep breath he walked back out into the main room.  His hands weren’t shaking anymore and his grip was relaxed.

“Hey Appa.”  Tony said, smiling up at him with a mouthful food and his cheeks stuffed like a chipmunk.

Natalia was sitting next to him, staring at the tv with a pinched expression.  She reached over and picked some food off of Tony’s plate and popped it into her mouth.  She didn’t look up at him but she did notice he was there.  James saw the small shift in her alertness, the tension in her shoulders.

“You were in there for sixteen hours, I hope you don’t mind.”  She said.

“Sixteen hours?”  He asked softly.  She just nodded.  Time didn’t seem to have gone by that quickly.  It had been slow, dragging on and on until it was over and he would have thought it was still less than an hour.

“Appa.”  Tony said.  The boy squeezed a handful of food in his hands and held it up with a grin.  “Please Appa.”

“He wants you to eat with him.”  Natalia said.

“I know what he wants.”  James said.  He felt annoyed, but not completely angry.  So much tension had drained out of him that after so long of carrying it he was too tired to fight her and get her away.

Natalia smiled softly, sitting up a bit more so she wasn’t as close to Tony.  “He was hungry, I hope you don’t mind.  Are you feeling better now?”  She asked.  James nodded.  “Good, I think it would be best if we had a nice, calm chat.”


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote another chapter. Took me a bit because I'm trying to update my other fics as well and then I got sick. I'm feeling a bit better now.

Tony looked healthy.  More so than he had in a long time.  James sat down close to him and smiled softly as Tony quickly tried to climb into his lap, dropping his food and making a mess of the sheets.  It was a welcome change from the Tony that had cowered quietly in the back seat of their car.  James had shoved him, his hands shaking a bit at the thought, and for those few hours Tony had been terrified.

“He’s not as skinny as he was when we found you in Russia.”  James muttered softly.  He wondered how much time had gone by.  A few weeks, maybe.  Enough for Tony’s new eating habits to set in and for his diet to become healthier.  Tony was still underweight.  James reached up and ran his fingers through the soft tuffs of Tony’s hair.  “He’s been eating.”

Natalia was watching them.  Whatever the food was that she had given Tony must have been delicious as he tried to shove more and more into his mouth.  His face was a mess and covered in a sticky layer of food.  The child seemed happy right now, completely content with his environment despite how the day had been going.  James wondered what he was thinking.  His behavior had been abnormal the past few days.  It is possible that Tony picked up on that.

“I showed up earlier while you were handling yourself.  He was scared of me.  He wouldn’t get off the bed but he kept trying to lean over and smack me away.”  Natalia said.  A small smile played at her lips as Tony stuck his hand in his mouth and nibbled at the food.  “He warmed up quickly once I gave him food.  It was just simple chicken and some rice and he’s been devouring it.”

The room seemed so quiet as Natalia’s words died off.  There wasn’t even the sound of the city around them.  No cars were driving by and it was so late that everyone was probably sleeping safely in their homes.  The only sound left in the room was the wet sound of Tony sloppily eating what appeared to be mushed up rice with bits of green vegetables.

Tony shifted a bit, leaning closer to Natalia as she was pulling away.  He pressed against her side and looked up at her with those wide brown eyes and pulled his hands out of his mouth.  He had eaten his dinner, with the exception of the mess on his face and clothes.  James felt something sharp twist in his stomach.  The tension of the past few days had faded away and he didn’t feel threatened anymore.  The only person he could sense following them was now being smiled at by his child.  He didn’t see anything malicious in her posture.  He didn’t trust her yet, but he didn’t suspect she would turn on them anytime soon.  Still, it didn’t sit right with him to have her so close.

“Why are you here?”  He asked quickly.  He reached out for Tony and pulled him away from Natalia and into his lap.  The boy grumbled a bit and wiggled in his arms.  Natalia’s smile stayed.

“I’m here to make sure you don’t do anything stupid.  Have you read the boy’s file yet?  I went through a lot of trouble getting that for you.”  She said.  James just clenched his jaw and held Tony close.  “I gave up my life to give you that.”

“What’s in it?”  James asked.  He didn’t have time for this, if she wanted to tell him then she could get to the point.  She had read the file before she handed it over so if there was anything she found that was important then she could tell him now.

“Well, before I say anything I just want to say that nothing wrong with him will kill him.  They took great care to make sure he stayed alive.  That’s what the serum he has does, it keeps him alive despite conditions.”  Natalia said.  She had her hands flat in front of her so he could see them.  She was trying to keep him calm and relaxed and that only made him nervous.  “The only health issues that have stayed with Tony over the years is a case of apnea, in which he stops breathing.  His heart beats far too slow, which makes him easily fatigued.  And he’s deaf in his right ear.  Absolutely none of this will kill him, but it’s the conditions that stuck with him the longest.”

James looked down at his child as Natalia spoke.  Tony seemed just fine to him.  He had his hand on Tony’s chest, feeling the slow beat of his heart as his eyes started to droop closed.  It had always been slow, since the moment James had cut him from his mother and pulled him to his chest, the heart was slow.  The same with Tony’s breathing.  It just stopped, but it always started again.  Every single time it happened it was accompanied with a burst of panic.  It was the hearing that James hadn’t noticed.  There were probably clues everywhere, but James had missed them.

He reached up slowly and flicked Tony’s right ear.  Tony was almost asleep, leaning against him and almost falling asleep completely.  The action caused the child to jerk and grumble under his breath, wiggling as he reached up to tug at his ear.

“Stop it Appa.”  Tony said softly.

James reached up slowly, covering Tony’s left ear with his hand and pressing down gently.  “Tony?”  He muttered.  The child wiggled a bit but mostly as if to settle against his chest and make himself comfortable.  James let his hand drop and then reached up to cover his right ear.  “Tony?”  James asked again.

The child wiggled more now, trying to pull away from his hands and look up at him.  “Stop…”  Tony said the word long and slow as he tried to smack his hands away.  The child settled back against his chest once again and tried to fall asleep.

“I never noticed he couldn’t hear.”  James said.  “Everything else had been obvious.  How could I not notice?”

Natalia shrugged.  She was relaxed and leaning away, but her eyes were sharp as she looked at the two of them.  “Well, maybe you got distracted.  If Tony just stops breathing sometimes then you might not consider how off centered his hearing might be.  Especially since the past few days you’ve been overwhelmed.  Considering the state you were in you’re lucky you didn’t hurt anyone, not noticing something like this can be forgiven.”

James wanted to tell her to shut up, to leave so he could care for and protect his child.  He didn’t, his mouth stayed firmly closed as she spoke.  Yesterday he would have killed her.  He had been so stressed and so tired.  Even now he didn’t trust her, most of his memories of her were of blood and pain and he swore to protect his child from that.  He felt different right now though.  It was hard to explain.  James wasn’t worried about her right now.

“You know, for as long as I can remember I did nothing but hurt people.  I killed people on every mission.  Even when Tony was born, I killed my own handler.  I’m a monster.”  James said softly.  Tony was asleep now, limp against him and looking so peaceful and vulnerable.  “This is all my fault you know.  I took a child from his mother too soon and left her body in the woods.  He was too small and too young to be out on his own.  I’m the reason Hydra hurt him.”

“You didn’t have a choice.”  Natalia said.

“Shut up.”  James said but there was no heat in his words.  “Tony is the most important thing now.  If I let you stay with us, Tony is the priority.  The only thing that matters is making sure he’s safe and healthy and I’m failing.  I can’t stay clear inside my own head, I’m not good for him.  If you stay then you have to help me keep him safe.”

Natalia’s gaze was intense as James spoke.  He leaned back, his hands shaking a bit but Tony was still fast asleep leaning against his chest.  He was bigger now than he was when he had taken him.  Tony had grown, so much time had gone by and it all felt strange in his head.  He couldn’t quite figure out how long it had been.  Weeks, months, it couldn’t have been more than a year really.  James couldn’t tell but it all felt like such a short time.

“If you can’t keep him safe and if you hurt him, then I’ll kill you.  You know I can do it.  I’m not afraid to.”  James said.

“Alright.  Stop being so serious.”  Natalia said.  “Do you know how long it took me to get him to stop smacking me away?  I won’t hurt him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There, She's officially here to stay and things are going to move forward alright. I'm sure things will be fine from now on
> 
> Also can you believe I've been writing this for over a year??


	41. Chapter 41

“No!  Stop…”  Tony said, again and again as he clung to the seatbelt in the front seat.  He had demanded to sit in the front, had almost shoved Natalia out of the way when she tried to climb into the spot but she stepped aside and let Tony climb into the passenger seat.  She had tried to buckle him in through, reaching for the seatbelt and sliding it across the boy and Tony had gone into a fit of panic.

“Stop it!  Stop!”  Tony said.  He was kicking at her now and she stopped, dropping the seatbelt and stepping back.  James just watched the two of them, almost wanting to smile as the boy climbed across the car into his lap, gripping his shirt tight and trying to climb higher up his chest.

“He doesn’t like the seatbelt.”  James said.  He shouldn’t enjoy this, but he was relaxing more and more as the boy chose him for comfort.  After James had locked himself away he had felt most of the tension dissolve, but some jealous part of himself that he wouldn’t give attention to relaxed further as Tony chose him over Natalia.

She had good intentions, but she didn’t know all of Tony’s emotional needs and what causes the boy’s outbursts like James did.  She didn’t know the words Tony was capable of speaking, she didn’t know what foods were the easiest to get Tony to eat, she wouldn’t wake up the moment the child’s breathing faltered.  She was an outsider still.  Tony was his child, not hers.

Tony refused to calm down, even after Natalia had taken her seat in the back of the car and they had driven out of the city.  He cried, shrill and piercing and telling them ‘no’ again and again even when no one touched him.  Though whenever Natalia tried to reach up from the back of the car towards Tony he shrieked, slapping her hands away and kicking his feet.

“Leave him alone, he’ll calm down after a while.”  James said.  He glanced over to Tony, who was still holding onto the seatbelt so firmly the knuckles of his tiny hand were turning white.  It wasn’t buckled in, Tony’s wasn’t restrained in any way.  “He looks tired.  Just leave him alone and let him relax and rest.  It’ll be fine soon enough.”

He remembered years ago, when Tony was a small bundle that fit against his chest so perfectly.  He remembered hearing the baby scream for hours as he let James know he was uncomfortable and demanded something to make it easier.  Tony had been such a loud baby and a quiet child once James had gotten him back.  It was good that he was loud again.  The screams that continued to fill their tiny car were comforting, oddly enough it made James feel more in control and safer.  Not entirely safe from the monster in his head and the monsters chasing them, but a bit safer.  Tony certainly felt safe enough to scream.

“Do you love him?”  Natalia asked.  James glanced back at her through the mirror and she met his eyes.  “Little Tony.  Do you love him?  I figured you have to if you go through this much trouble.”

James didn’t answer right away.  He did love Tony.  This child was his, the only good thing in the world that he had.  Even now, as Tony’s screams and cries died down into just soft, angry mumblings and whines, he was the single good thing in the world.  James didn’t care about anything else, just as long as Tony trusted him and felt safe enough to scream and be disruptive.  James was safe, the child trusted him.  Tony was good, James had to have at least some goodness in him for Tony to love him in return.

“Yes.”  He said simply.

“So you realize that if they catch you, they will make you kill him.”  Natalia said.

It was a cruel truth.  “They won’t catch me.”  He said firmly.  James didn’t quite believe that, but he didn’t leave room in his head for the alternative.  They would make him kill Tony, in some horrible way to punish him for what he had done, despite whatever tests or experiments of any value they had done to the child.

“But if they do, we need a plan.  You brought me into this and I won’t leave again.  Not until you remember me.”  She said as she leaned forward in her seat.  Tony grumbled and turned away.  “So, if they catch you, what will the child do?”

The question implied that Tony would get away.  James gripped the steering wheel tighter at the thought, because Hydra was still after them and if it the worst were to happen then Tony would have to get away without him.  Though he didn’t trust Natalia to take care of him either.  She was a snake, still dangerous and her loyalties were questionable, but she was here for now and was to keep him in check so he doesn’t let his thoughts control him again.

“They won’t catch me.”  James said firmly. 

Tony had grown since they had run away together.  His belly was a bit fatter, his hair a curly mess that fell over his eyes, and he was taller now.  James wasn’t sure how much time had gone by, it seemed like no time at all and yet a lifetime.  Has it been a year?  It almost seemed like it has been.  Regardless of how much time had gone by and how much bigger Tony was, he was still far too young of a child for him to train in the skill of running and hiding.  Tony wanted to play.  He wanted to be happy and at peace and James needed to see him have that.  James needed more time for Tony to enjoy freedom before it was tainted with more fear.

“You’re not a fool, James.  The child needs a plan.  I suggest you make one.”  She said firmly and disappeared into the back seat once more, no longer leaning into his space.

They could find a city, far away from the countries of Europe where Hydra was growing in secret.  The Soviets has taken up too much land in Asia to feel comfortable settling there, South America was across an ocean, so Africa was the safest place for them.  They just had to find the right city, as far south as they could go without getting trapped.  Tony had to learn how to blend into a crowd.  Tony had to learn how to run, even if his heart was too weak to handle such rigorous exercise.  James refused to teach this child how to kill.  He would show Tony how to grip a knife and hold a gun, show him where to hit a man to bring him down.  Even if every member of Hydra deserved death, Tony was a good and pure child and James would not let Hydra corrupt him like that.

They were in Africa now, if James looked at a map more closely he would know they were almost through Egypt.  Soon we would turn south and keep going.  There was still so much time before he had to focus on the plan.  They could stop somewhere and just let Tony run through the grass and play in the sand for a bit, as much as he could before he needed to rest.  Natalia could worry about plans for now, but she’ll see that Tony is good and they needed to preserve that.

“Appa.”  Tony said.  He was much calmer now, his eyes still a bit red and watery, but he had loosened his grip on the seatbelt.  He reached a hand out, opening it and closing it repeatedly.  “Appa…..”

“He’s hungry.”  James said softly.  “He’s always hungry now.  I don’t… maybe last year?  Last year he didn’t even know how to eat.  He lost so much weight.  He eats all the time now.”

“That counts as progress.”  Natalia said.  She started digging through some of the bags in the seat beside her until she passed up a small bag of fruit snacks.

“Thank you.”  Tony said, his voice soft and a bit shaky, but he had said the words clearly enough to be understood.  James smiled as warmth bloomed in his chest.  He was proud of his child.

“He’s talking too.  Somewhat at least.”  Natalia said.  James nodded.  “You’ve been good for him.”

James wanted to tell her that Tony had been good for him mostly.  He knew Tony was better now than he was when they had first been reunited.  Tony had been silent, had been fearful and mute, sinking into himself and staring at the world he had never seen before.  Tony was comfortable now, loud and familiar with the outside.  The fear was still there, making its appearance every once in a while.  James wondered if Tony dreamed about Hydra, about what they had done.  James dreamed about it often.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they're in Africa now... Wonder where that will take them >.>


	42. Chapter 42

Natalia had grown quiet in the back of the car.  James didn’t like it, it put him on ease knowing there were so many thoughts and plans building in her head and he couldn’t see them.  She was dangerous and James almost wished she was in the seat next to him, just so he could keep an eye on her.  Tony was napping now, hunched over in the seat and his whole body relaxed and James preferred this as well.  He was calmer with Tony in the seat next to him where he could easily hear the rhythm of his breathing just in case.

Driving was more peaceful than hiding was.  When he was driving he knew he was putting distance between himself and whoever was following.  The more they traveled, the safer they would be.  James watched the terrain stay mostly the same, though with occasional changes.  It was all mostly dry and hot, the sun beating down on them.

Tony took a deep breath in his sleep and as James glanced at him he saw the small child’s features contort into something uncomfortable.  A bad dream perhaps.

Tony flinched in his seat, his hands going up to his eyes, and James returned his focus to the road.  There were no other cars around.  It was a quiet scenery but now Tony was mumbling under his breath as he moved to sit up and kicked his feet out in a fit.  He was still tired.

“We should stop somewhere soon.”  Natalia said, her head peeking up from the backseat.

“No.”  James said.  They had stopped too much already.  They wouldn’t need to rest for the night.  He wasn’t tired and the other were fine resting in their seats.

“Just find a town and we can get what we need.  Food, gas, we need supplies and directions.  We’re probably getting very close to places you don’t want to go to.”  She said.

James frowned.  There were many places he didn’t want to go, but he didn’t trust Natalia with a map.  She would lead them to a trap, get them cornered and captured and they would take his child from him.  She was one of them, he couldn’t trust her with anything.  For a brief moment he considered pulling over and kicking her out of the car, leaving her behind where she wouldn’t be able to kill them while their backs were turned.  He couldn’t do that, he gripped the steering wheel tightly and kept his eyes on the road, occasionally looking over to see Tony pouting out the window and seeing Natalia doing the same in the mirror.

“Why do you still look the same?”  James asked as he decided to change the subject.  It would be better to get more information on her instead of letting her decide where they go.  “I remember you.  Your hair is different, but you still look mostly the same.”

It wasn’t just that she had the same face that changed over the years, it was that it was the exact same face empty of all signs of aging.  He was sure he remembered her from before Tony.  Before he found the boy and took him into his arms and carried him to his handlers.  He had trained her, he was sure he remembered that, but she had been younger then.  He remembered her now, as an adult, but he wasn’t sure how he remembered her like this.

He glanced in the mirror back at Natalia, who was just looking out the window as the scenery changed.  There was much more grass now.  The sand had turned into grassy hills and forests and they had been driving for days.  James didn’t know how many days.  He couldn’t get the time frame quite right in his head.  They were out of the desert so he could only assume they were deep into Africa now.

He wished he knew what country he was in.  People called this place home and he knew nothing about it besides the landscape and it was beautiful.  James preferred this to what they had left behind and escaped.  A few months ago, possibly a year, Tony hadn’t even known what the outside was.  It seemed so long ago and yet it also felt like no time had passed at all.  All James knew for certain was that Tony could see outside now, he could run around in the grass and play once things were settled and they were safer.

“We should find somewhere to stop soon.”  Natalia said again.  James didn’t listen, she wasn’t in charge of deciding where they went or when they stopped.  “Now isn’t the time to be stubborn.  We have to find a town soon.”

“I will leave you here if you don’t stop telling me what to do.   I can… I’m handling this.”  He said as he gripped the steering wheel tighter.  “Just answer the question.  Why do you look the same?  It’s been a long time, right?  I know it’s been a long time.”

James didn’t know.  He thought he knew but he also knew that his head wasn’t working with him right now.  So many things were missing and out of place and he could have sworn that he had trained her decades ago and she looked like she had barely aged.  Tony whined loudly and kicked his feet against his seat, crossing his arms and glaring at the window.

“He’s in a bad mood.”  Natalia said.

“Stop changing the subject.”  James said.  He slowed the car down until the parked on the side of the road.  He turned the car off and waited, keeping his grip tight on the wheel so he wouldn’t lash out but he also couldn’t be driving if they started a fight.  Risking an accident would only put Tony in danger.

Natalia sat back in her seat, her expression not angry or worried, but flat.  Her eyes looked tired, but her features held no other emotions as she watched him.  “You know how those people are.  They like special soldiers.”

James took a deep breath.  He wondered if he was part of that.  He was the one who ripped Tony from the safety of his mother and handed him off to be altered.  Perhaps he had done the same to Natalia.  He probably did, he had done so many horrible things.  Maybe she was going to kill him for it, he would deserve it.  He would fight her until the end and he was sure he would win, but that didn’t mean he didn’t deserve to die.

“You still haven’t read Tony’s file yet.  You should really get on that.  A lot of interesting information on what made you what you are, what made me what I am, and what’s keeping Tony alive.”  She said.  At the mention of his name Tony kicked his feet again and grumbled a few meaningless sounds of discomfort.  He was angry.

The child was definitely in a bad mood because as James reached out to stroke his hair to comfort him Tony just shouted ‘no’ and smacked his hand away.  He pulled back, watching Tony as he rubbed his eyes and failed to fight back tears.  It was the nightmare.  Tony had been woken up from his nap by something awful he had seen or experienced inside his head and now he was on edge.  James wondered what it was.

He reached to turn the keys and start the car again.  The tension had drained away and James wondered if he would ever stop being so worried and paranoid.  He didn’t trust Natalia, but she was distracting him.  He turned the key and as the car sputtered he let go and frowned.

“You’re out of gas.  Have been very close for a while, but you’ve refused to stop anywhere.”  Natalia said, a soft smile playing at her lips that he saw slip away the second he turned to look at her.  “I’m sorry.  I want to help but you don’t trust me.”

James gripped the wheel tighter.  He was right not to trust her, she could have said something, but she gave him vague suggestions on what he should do and now they were stranded.  He let go and quickly punched the wheel, the horn going on in a long, loud wail and Tony’s screaming joined it almost instantly as his hand went up to cover his left ear.  He shouldn’t have done that, Tony wasn’t good with noises.

He flung open the door and reached for their pre-packed bags in the back full of necessities and emergency supplies.  James had one, full of food, weapons, and anything else they might need for survival.  Tony had a much smaller, lighter bag with snacks, a blanket, clothes, and money from the dozens of countries they had passed through.  He slung both bags over his shoulder and walked around the car to open Tony’s door, the boy smacked at the air in James’ direction.

“I know you’re upset, but it looks like we have to go on foot.  Do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you?”  He asked softly, crouching down until Tony looked at him in the eyes. 

The child could hear him, Tony tilted his head to the side to listen.  Tony’s face was pink and tears were still dripping down his cheeks, but after a moment of pouting he reached out for James.  Tony was limp in his arms and buried his wet face in the crook of James’ neck.  James held him close and picked a direction off to walk.  The roads may lead to cities and towns, but he didn’t want to be found by any other travelers while they were slower and vulnerable.  He heard the slam of a car door and Natalia was by his side, her shorter legs working to keep up with him.  It would make him smile if he wasn’t mad at her.

“I hate you.”  He said calmly.  He wasn’t going to ask her to leave, because he knew she wouldn’t.  If she was close by he could keep an eye on her. At least until they found a safe place to settle.

Natalia smiled, reaching out to stroke Tony’s hair.  James held tightly to the boy but Tony didn’t try to smack at her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick little update before things happen.  
> :)


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops okay I have an excuse for the past two months of no updates. I got sick, had finals, got sick again, had to move out of my house, and graduated college with a Bachelor's Degree. Now that I have some free time now I hope to get this story updated more often. Wish me luck.

Despite Tony’s overwhelming joy of walking instead of being trapped in the car, the boy tired out easily.  He would run around, giggle and cheer as he ran through the tall grass and tugged at the leaves of nearby trees.  Tony would then just sit down and pout until James picked him up and carried him.   The boy’s heart never felt quite right, far too off beat inside his chest.  James hated it, he hated how the boy seemed to tire from just a bit of running

Tony was pointing off into the trees, blabbering as if trying to describe or enquire about whatever it was he saw.  The world was still new to him despite the amount of time they had been travelling.  James didn’t know how long it was, half the time he couldn’t remember what year it was.  It was long enough for Tony to understand what a tree was; he pointed at each one and grinned really large.

“Appa, look.”  Tony said, kicking his feet lightly on James’ chest.

“I know Tony.  It’s pretty.”  James said.

There was a town in the distance.  A bundle of buildings just down the road.  It was the only place they could go to, there was nothing else for miles in every direction.  They needed to resupply.  They needed to rest.  He kept his eyes on the town in the distance, the one destination he had in mind anymore.  It had been so quiet and it was too easy to forget that they were on the run. People were after them and James listened to his child ramble about trees.  James could only focus on the town before them, a place to sleep for the night at least.

“Let me have him.”  Natalia said, falling into step beside him.

James shook his head and pulled Tony closer, which only made the boy wiggle more.  James kept walking.  They had to get to the town soon.

“I mean it.  You’re tired and I can keep Tony entertained for a little while.  He wants to talk about trees and I will walk in front of you so you can see us.”  Natalia said.

James could feel Tony’s heart beat through his hand on the boy’s small back.  A heart beating an off tune in a tiny chest.  James didn’t like it.  He was distracted.  His body ached.  He was stressed and over working himself.  He wasn’t sure how much more it could take before it gave out on him.  His body had given out on him before, but he was a machine back then.  His body wasn’t his and he just used it the way he was ordered to until it couldn’t take it anymore.  Tony slipped from his arms and the boy giggled as Natalia settled him on her hip and pointed at the trees with him.  They walked a few feet ahead of him and James watched them carefully.

Tony pointed at the trees and Natalia actually looked to see them.  She didn’t say they were pretty for the sake of saying so, she looked at them.  She asked him about them and Tony tried to babble out an answer.  James let his arms fall to his side and he stumbled along behind them.  He hadn’t even allowed himself to feel his pain in a long time.  The feeling of his body healing, the exhaustion from days of walking, and he was tired.  Maybe he was a person again.  Pain and the knowledge of it.  He could feel his own body.

“Appa, look.  Leaves.”  Tony said as he pointed up at the trees.  James nodded.  There was a nice breeze and the leaves rustled as they walked past them.  Tony clapped his hands and Natalia cheered softly along with him.

James kept a close eye on them.  Natalia kept her hands visible and held Tony only tight enough to keep him in her arms.  The child seemed perfectly happy being carried into town, he had his feet dangling and kicking lightly when he got excited and after the long walk the past few days his excitement hasn’t gone down.  He loved being out of the car, out in the open, and James watched him to make sure he stayed happy as he walked slowly behind them.

They got to the town before sundown.  They could rest peacefully for the night and once James was less exhausted they could figure out where they were supposed to go now.  He wanted to carry his child again, get Tony to rest as well but Natalia kept pulling excited smiles from the boy as she humored his endless curiosity about the town they had wandered into.  It seemed larger now that they were here, more buildings than there seemed to be from a distance.  They walked down the street and Tony clapped excitedly as they went further into the town.

People took notice of them quickly, but most of them offered curious, friendly smiles instead of outright hostility.  James decided it was a good thing, they just had to be friendly enough to the people to rest for a while before leaving again.  They could find a city, some place with a large enough population to blend in.  James didn’t know where they were and he didn’t know yet if he would be able to understand the people here.  Tony was waving at the people and Natasha kept a firm enough hold on the boy to keep him in place.

“Here, sit down and take the boy.  I’ll go get us something to eat.”  Natalia said as they walked into one of the buildings. 

It smelled nice and the doors were wide open and they were eagerly welcomed inside.  Natalia placed Tony onto James’ lap and walked off to talk to the man at the counter.  She was over there for a few minutes and in that time Tony kept trying to wiggle out of his arms.  He was definitely tired, he had walked as much as he could and then was carried the rest of the way, but after a few days of that it had worn him out.  The child needed rest as well.

Natalia came back and smiled as Tony tried to get out of James’ hold and onto the floor.  He held tight, he didn’t want the boy to get away.  The child would likely wander off and get lost.  The last thing James needed was more panic.  He was too tired, his body ached far too much to add on the stress of Tony’s endless energy and curiosity.  The boy had to stay close.

“They are fixing us some food and there are a few places we can rest.  What we do after that might be an issue.”  Natalia said.  She reached out to pat Tony on the head but the boy pushed her hand away and kept trying to get loose.  “He got moody pretty fast.  At least he’ll rest.  I don’t think we’ll be going anywhere for a while.”

It was good to know they had a place to sleep, they would have to take turns resting and stay alert in case of attack.  It was always a possibility, if James considered who was after them he would never feel safe.  They were always bearing down on them.

“Why?”  Bucky asked.

“Because there’s nowhere to go.  We can look around, but he says there aren’t many people to sell their cars and besides deliveries once a week there are few people going in and out.  The closest city is in Wakanda and people can’t go there.  Other than that we’ll be walking for days, possibly longer.”  Natalia said.  She smiled up at the woman who brought plates and bowls full of food and several cups full of something to drink and there was so much that Tony started to clap and reach for whichever was closest.

“Why don’t people go to Wakanda?”  Bucky asked.  He didn’t know enough about the world to remember this.  He had basic understanding of how the global politics were playing out and only when it pertained to a mission.  He didn’t think he had a mission in Wakanda.

“It’s not that people don’t go there, it’s that they can’t.  The country is closed off.  No one is allowed in and usually no one comes out.”  Natalia said as she reached over to push a bowl closer to Tony for him to reach and immediately dig his hands into.  “And don’t get stupid on me.  I won’t follow you there and you’ll get yourself killed if you try to go.”

“If people can’t go there then people can’t follow us there.  We don’t have to go far, just stay around the border and away from people and we’ll be safe there.”  James said.  It was a stupid idea and he was well aware of that.  He didn’t know anything about Wakandan politics or culture but he knew that if Hydra couldn’t follow them then it was worth any risk.

“James, if this is another stunt where you’re not thinking clearly and put us all in danger then I will kill you.  You’re not worth all of this stress.”  Natalia said firmly as she leaned in close.

James smiled at her, patting Tony on the back as he tried to eat too much too quickly.  “I’m not worth it?  But I thought you stuck by me because of what we had.”  James said.  He almost laughed when Natalia rolled her eyes.

“Don’t play games with me.  You don’t even remember me.  If you did remember then you would know you’re not worth it.”  Natalia said.  She was lying.  James knew she was lying, but he let her have her lie.

He knew her, he remembered her enough to know where to find her with the knowledge that she would help him with whatever he asked, and she did.  He knew all of this and yet he didn’t remember her enough to trust her.  He still believed there was a trap somewhere, that she would sell them out or kill them both.  Even if she said he wasn’t worth the stress, Tony’s safety was worth whatever threat Wakanda held for them.  They would be safest where they couldn’t be followed.

“I would remember if you told me.”  James said.

Natalia smiled back at him then, pulling her own bowl of food closer to herself.  “You’re delusional as well as mentally and physically exhausted.  We’re going to sleep for the night, eat our fills, and then you won’t have these wild plans about dragging your child off to a country that doesn’t want you there.  Escaping from one group of dangerous people into the arms of another isn’t an improvement James.”

“We were in love, weren’t we?”  James asked.

“Delusional.”

“If I go, you’ll follow me?”  James said.  It was a question, but he felt like he already knew the answer.  Tony was a mess, covered in food and clapping as James gave him another bowl.  He would sleep for the night, but they should set out again soon.  They would be safe once they didn’t have to focus on running anymore.  They would just have to worry about hiding.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go, another chapter because I care and I have a lot of free time now that I'm a college graduate.

James had not been expecting the wall.  If no one was allowed in then it would make sense for there to be border security.  Something blocking others from entering, but a wall built from smooth stone and just tall enough for James to need to jump to reach.  He jumped high, so an average man wouldn’t make it, but a wall short enough for him to get over didn’t sit right in his stomach.

Tony was clinging to his back, gripping tightly to James’ shirt so he could hold on as James climbed the wall.  He mumbled something that couldn’t be understood and then untangled his hands from his hold on the shirt.  James held him close, stopping the boy from falling off the wall and onto the ground.  It wasn’t a long drop, but for a tiny and fragile child it would be awful.

They were going alone, just the two of them.  Natalia had made her peace early that morning when they slipped out of the room offered to them by the restaurant owners before anyone else woke up and the town still slept.  She insisted that safety didn’t exist for them in Wakanda, they would be killed the moment they were found out.  James thought that they would be fine.  They didn’t need to go that far into the country, the knowledge that Hydra could not follow him here was enough.

A few feet past the wall and it was like walking onto another planet.  The landscape was exactly the same, tall trees and soft grass, but it felt so different.  They were on the other side of the wall now and if felt wrong to have left Natalia behind.  She was dangerous and it was best that she was gone, but they would have been safer if she came with them.  She would find them again as soon as they left Wakanda, James was sure of it.

They took a few steps into the country before stopping.  They didn’t have to go that far in at all, they could stay right by the wall and then hop over and walk to town if they needed anything.  The Wakandans didn’t need to know they were there.  They walked just far enough into the trees to have decent cover and James listened carefully in case anyone was around to spot them.  He heard the trees shift as animals moved around in them.  Tony clapped again, his eyes to the sky as he looked up at the treetops.

James reached up and held Tony’s hands to stop him from clapping.  He did not want to tell his child to be quiet, but too much noise would give them away if there were people near.  Tony seemed to understand, he was a smart boy and pulled his hands away and instead reached up to touch James’ face.  They sat down near a tree, listening and relaxing as the sun came up.  There were no sounds besides a few animals moving around to avoid the two of them.  He wasn’t sure where they would go from here, but he sat for a moment and tried to breathe easy.  They were in a forbidden country, no one would follow them here.

He tensed as he heard footsteps, faint and slow as they walked through the grass towards them.  Tony smiled as he pointed up at the birds on the branches above and James pushed himself up to stand, holding Tony close to his chest as he reached for a knife.  Tony’s arms tightened around James’ neck as he stood, holding on tight to stop himself from slipping out of his hold.  The footsteps came closer as if seeking them out and knowing where to look.

“Let’s just ignore the fact that I’m here.” Natalia said.

“Hi, Nat.”  Tony said, waving at her happily. 

Natalia waved back and smiled softly at the boy.  James turned to put himself between them.  His heart was beating fast, still expecting an attack but now facing Natalia, who was once again following them.

“Don’t think I came because of you.  I just got bored and figured I might as well keep you from accidentally killing your kid before we’re imprisoned and killed by the locals for invading their nation.”  Natalia said as she gave a single, cautious look at their surroundings.  There was nothing but animals, they couldn’t hear or see any other people in the immediate area.  “So I’m going to guess that you don’t have a plan other than stay away from people and I have no desire to become one with the monkeys, so I guess let’s find a nice spot to camp for the rest of our lives.  James found himself smiling.  Tony reached out for Natalia and she stepped forward to take him. 

“We’re going to figure it out.  They can’t follow us here.  We just have to survive.”  James said.  He handed Tony over and the boy once again began to clap before reaching up to run his hands through Natalia’s red hair.  Tony was happier these days, the boy smiled easier and clapped at everything that excited him.  He was always smiling and reaching out for someone to hold him.  It was a good thing.  Despite all of the running, all of the fear, everything that had happened since he had stolen the boy and ran away, Tony was happy and that made it all worth it.

“So what happens when we eventually get caught?”  Natalia asked.  They began walking along the wall, a few feet into the country to be hidden by the forest.

“We’re tourists.  We got lost.  We’re a family with a child.”  James said with a shrug. 

“Oh that sounds fun.  Who are we, James?  Where are we from?”  Natalia asked.  James didn’t know the little details of who they were going to be, so he answered with just another shrug.  “I want to be an American.  We’re American tourists and we foolishly thought nothing of wandering off, climbing over a wall, and getting lost in a country that we are forbidden to enter.”

“Tony doesn’t speak English.  But he is an American though he doesn’t have a birth certificate.  He was born there, so it counts.”  James said.  Natalia was walking a few steps in front of him so he could keep an eye on Tony, the boy started clapping at something.  “Does he count as an American if there is no record of his citizenship?”

“Outside of the files with Hydra there is barely a record of him existing.  He doesn’t count as an American, no, and he barely counts as a person.  Same for all of us.”  She said, sticking her tongue out and making faces at Tony.  “If he can’t speak English then what can he speak?”

“Whatever people have been speaking to him in and he has been in the proper circumstances to hear and learn.  I heard him speak Hungarian once.  I’m not entirely sure what I’m always talking to him in, but I’m sure it’s mostly been Russian.”

“You think?”  Natalia asked.

“I haven’t been paying attention.”  He said.

Natalia leaned in close to Tony and made faces at him.  The child love it, making faces of his own as held tight to her hair and leaned in as well.  They were having a nice time as they walked along the wall looking for a place to settle down for a little while.  They wandered away from the wall after a few hours and went deeper into the country.  James followed, intent on letting Natalia guide them and entertain Tony for a while until they found something.  He kept his eyes and ears open and tried to prepare himself for an attack.  He didn’t know anything about Wakanda and the inhabitants, but he knew he was the invader on their land so he would take his child and try to run.  If he could not outrun them then keeping Tony alive and safe was the most important thing.  Perhaps he should teach Tony to use a knife so the boy would know what to do if they got separated during an attack.

Tony let out a loud giggle as Natalia made a particularly funny face, her features scrunched up and her eyes bulging.  There were animals, scurrying away from the sound of a child laughing so loud it echoed through the forest.  James could hear them, but he couldn’t hear any people.

James was starting to think there were no people.  Wakanda might be an empty country and no one could find them here.  Or there were people far away and they had this part of it for themselves.  The animals scurried a bit more.  There was only the soft pattering of their movements and the trees and bushes barely moved around them.  They must be curious things, they could be Russian tourists and they didn’t know how to be in the forest without getting lost.  They were innocent, they were fragile and lost and the Wakandans wouldn’t kill them for wandering where they weren’t supposed to be.

There was more scurrying.  The three of them weren’t making any more noise but the animals were running away faster and in every direction around them and James didn’t think anything of it.  Tony was laughing.  Something struck him hard in the head, cracking against the back of his head.  James’ head snapped forward, but he stayed on his feet, hardly moving an inch as the force hit him.  Something like that didn’t usually phase him.  A thousand memories came to his head as he recalled the people who fought back, the bodyguards protecting marks and the soldiers trying to survive.  They didn’t hurt him.  Something crashing against the back of his skull didn’t take him out of his head.  Yet his balance waivered.  He hit the ground, his body unmoving.

Tony shouted.  Natalia let the boy fall from her arms and he quickly ran away.  Tony was fast, but he could never run very far.  His heart didn’t like it when he ran.  Tony could hide.  He was good at that.  James hoped he would hide because as soon as James got out he would come find him.  As soon as his body would move again he would go after him.  James wiggled, but his arms were tightly bound to his chest.  The rope around him wouldn’t break, it wouldn’t even bend as he tried to pull himself free.  It was terrifying and James screamed loudly into the forest and he hoped Tony was hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come. This is fine. :)


	45. Chapter 45

James sat still in his seat, waiting for someone to come and retrieve him. The cuffs around his hands were strong, the metal didn’t bend no matter how hard he tried to tear them apart. They were thick and he had very little mobility because of them. He could find no point of weakness in them, it was just solid metal with a spot for his hands to go. He could do damage with them still, he could beat met to death with the blunt thing they used to cuff his hands together.

He didn’t try that, he didn’t try to break out of the room they were holding him in and escape the building. Not yet, not until he knew for sure if Tony was here or if the boy had managed to get away and hide. James couldn’t leave Tony here and think he would find him in the woods and he couldn’t waste time looking for him in this building if the boy was waiting for him to find him somewhere else. He couldn’t tear this building apart unless he knew, it would be a waste of time and bring too much attention. When he found Tony they would have to get away fast.

Even as the door opened and closed again, he didn’t look up. He listened to the sound of the footsteps coming around the table and stopping in front of him. James just stared at nothing, his eyes not looking up from the table they had put him in, in the mostly empty room that had strong, locked doors.

“Your friend is much more talkative, though I don’t believe most of the stories she strings together.” The woman said.

James didn’t respond, though he wanted to smirk and shake his head because she was right not to believe those lies. Still, Natalia could usually lie so convincingly even he would believe they were true. If she told him they were made of jelly and would melt under the hot sun then he would believe her, but he wouldn’t give much credit on his mind these days. So James just stared at the table and waited.

“Now why would a few Soviet tourists wander off the set path, climb over a wall, bringing with them enough weapons to fight a war, and also bring their small child? You in particular. You had more knives than you could ever use, money from countries far away from here, and a half filled notebook written with half a dozen broken languages and near incoherent sentences. You are no tourists.” The woman said. Her Russian was good, though accented strangely. He wondered why such an isolated nation would have a woman who knew Russian.

At some point she had sat down across from him, speaking to him with suspicion and caution and James still refused to respond. He had nothing to say and he was certain that any lies he could come up with would only contradict the stories Natalia had told. He waited for the woman to say more, even just a hint on whether or not they had found his child.

“I’m starting to prefer your lying friend, she at least has something to say. Do you not want to comment on anything?” The woman asked, opening her arms in an invitation. “Nothing to say about your child, or the machinery you have for an arm, or the stockpile of weapons you smuggled across our borders, or why you came here to begin with? We usually punish trespassers without hesitation but none of them have ever brought us a child before. And most of them try to explain themselves.”

James didn’t answer, but he did look up at her. She was a small woman, but she had a powerful frame and she stared straight back at him. He didn’t know what they were planning to do with them, but he didn’t plan on staying any longer than he had to. After a few moments of them just staring at each other she stood up and walked to the door without saying another word.

He was reconsidering his plan to just tear the building apart to find Tony. He could do it, but causing too much of a commotion would only bring more attention and if Tony wasn’t here then he was still hiding. It would be best to find a hiding child when he wasn’t being hunted by angry, militant Wakandans. It was uncomfortable, the nerves grated against him as if to shred his resolve to bits. He needed to find Tony soon, he couldn’t let the boy be alone for much longer.

He didn’t flinch when the door opened again, but the sound was surprising and disturbing and he hated these people. There were a few of them, several sets of footsteps gathering around the table. James looked up at them, all of the women staring at him with firm expressions.

“Stand up and come with us. If we show you then you might talk.” One of the women said.

James stood up, allowing himself to be lead from the room by the women surrounding him at every side. They would likely kill him or torture him into submission. He would fight them, but for a moment he wondered if facing a firing squad would be best. He let out a soft sigh, dispelling the thoughts and decided that if the Wakandans had something treacherous for him he would kill them. Tony was waiting. He couldn’t waste away here while his child was somewhere else. Perhaps they would give him a hint to where he was.

They lead him through a large door and then they were outside. It was a small garden in the center of the building, a courtyard full of trees and flowers and pathways to get from one side to the next. The air was fresh and smelled like flowers. James’ eyes immediately zeroed in on the group of children playing a game. They were giggling, their arms linked in a chain as they ran around the pathways. Tony stood out among the Wakandans, but he was smiling as the group dragged one another along. Tony didn’t understand the game and James could see that in how he stumbled as his feet tried to keep up with the changing directions.

Tony tripped. He fell to the ground and let out a soft sound before the other children tried to pull him to his feet to continue playing. Tony giggled as the children began skipping, their arms still interlinked, at a slower pace. They were being watched over by a woman, sitting on a stone bench near a few of the smaller flowers. The children moved around her in a line and she smiled brightly at them, patting them each on the head as they moved passed her and included Tony as well.

“He does not know how to play. It took the children hours to find something they could teach him without words. He doesn’t understand.” One of the women by his side said.

James was tempted to kill them. He could beat them to death with the cuff around his wrists and tell Tony to hold onto him as they ran away. It was tempting, but the people around him were strongly built, they held their bodies firm and he would have to catch them all by surprise to overpower them, especially with minimal use to his hands. The last time they were captured, Shield positioned him to accentuate weakness, not allow him the leverage he needed for strength. He had his body planted firm but no matter how hard he pulled the metal would not budge.

“Your son is fine. Just tell us why you brought him here.” She said.

James held his breath. His eyes were glued to Tony as the boy giggled and stumbled along behind the other children. He was having fun, playing a child’s game. There wasn’t any sign of fear or discomfort in his face and James was satisfied. If the child was in danger the circumstances would be different.

“We are running. May I hold him?” James asked.

“What are you running from? Why did you come here when we would not accept you?” The woman asked.

James shrugged. “Bad people want to hurt my child. They can’t find us here if people aren’t allowed to come here.” The plan seemed silly now, but Tony was alive and well in this moment so the risks were worth it.

“You were seeking asylum? I cannot grant you that.” The woman said as she also turned her attention to the group of children playing. “But if you tell the right story, a true story and not one of the lies the woman thought up, about why you’re here than she may help. You may hold your child and you may speak to her, but touch her and you will never see him again.”

She pointed at the woman sitting, the children dancing and playing around her with their arms connected. She had a hand on her swollen belly and a soft expression on her face as she regarded each child in front of her. James didn’t trust her, but he would entertain their demands just to hold Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may not be many, if any, updates in the next few weeks because I'm about to move and no longer have internet. However that means that I'll have no internet and no distractions so more writing time. So when I finish moving and I do have internet again you can expect more back to back updates. Thank you for your patience.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as a thank you for your patience I will be posting another chapter tomorrow. Or trying to anyway. The past few months have been hectic. I moved 2000 miles away, I moved into a motel room, and now I work at a national park. I saw the eclipse though and I'm out of my mom's place so it's worth it.

James wished they would unbind his hands from the cuffs but he wasn’t surprised when they refused.  He could only hope that Tony wouldn’t know what they were for and be afraid.  He stepped out onto the pathway of the garden and towards the woman and the playing children.  He could feel the eyes on him from the people standing guard, the people who interrogated him and eventually lead him here.

“Appa!”  Tony said.  The child immediately wiggled out of the arms of the other children and darted for him.  He didn’t mind the metal clamp around James’ hands and instead tried his best to climb into his arms.

Just feeling the child in his arms was enough to calm away any worry.  Tony was alive and energetic.  He was a warm weight that wiggled against him as he reached up and held onto his hair with tiny hands.  The other children followed, looking up at him as if he was a strange monster that crawled out of the surrounding forests.  They weren’t afraid.  They tugged at his pants and pointed up at Tony until the woman clapped to get their attention and waived them away.  They dispersed immediately.

“How do you control them so easily?”  James asked.

“I offer them candy for good behavior.  And they like my company almost as much as I enjoy theirs’.”  The woman said as she patted the bench next to her.  James wondered if he should refuse.  She seemed too calm and at ease given the situation.  He was a prisoner in a country that had forbidden them from entering.  “Once your child decided it was safe to play with the others he had become quite happy and enjoyable as well.”

James sat down beside her as Tony stuck out his tongue.  The boy seemed relaxed and careless, unaware that the people around them could kill them at any moment for stepping foot in their country.  It was probably for the best that Tony wasn’t aware of the dangers.  For now he was relaxed and behaving, tucked away safely in James’ arms.

“He should have been hiding.  It is dangerous.”  James said as he leaned his head forward to rest on Tony’s curly hair.

“Dangerous for you.  The only reason I have had them hold off on killing you this long is because of the child.  A child can be a burden at times, if you intended to steal from us it would have been easier to leave him behind.”  The woman said.

James shook his head and held Tony tight against his chest, the movements were awkward without the full mobility of his hands.  “I am not here to steal from Wakanda.  I didn’t mean to cause much of a disturbance at all.  I just wanted to hide him, I wanted us to be safe.”  James said softly.  It was quiet in the garden besides the noises Tony made as he tugged on James’ hair and wiggled in his arms.  “You can force us out and we will leave without any more trouble, but we are running out of places to go.  I know that they’ll catch us one day.  I don’t want that to happen, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to stay hidden forever.”

“Who are you running from?”  She asked.

“Hydra.  They are bad people and I don’t want them to hurt my son again.”  James said.  The woman was staring down at him with a firm gaze.  She held so much power in her shoulders and the way she held herself.  She was an authority here, James was scared.  He felt the familiar fear of someone who could order so much pain to come with just a wave of their hand.

“Who are you?”  The woman said.

“I don’t know.  I’m a person, I’m sure I’m a person.  They tried to take that from me.  I don’t remember.”  James said.  He didn’t like this question because although things were coming back he still felt like he didn’t know who he was.  The man he saw in his head didn’t match up anymore to the man he felt like he was.  “I’m taking care of Tony.  I’m trying to do this one good thing for him.  I’ve done so many horrible things and they are unforgiveable but I just want him to be safe.”

“And your wife?”

“She is not my wife.  She is not the mother.  She is a friend, she has nowhere else to go.”  James said.  As much as he was distrustful of Natalia, he did not want her killed by these people.  He didn’t not want anyone to suffer and die for following him into a forbidden country.  It was his foolish plan and he wished that they would all be cast out instead of killed.

“You have come here with weapons, with money, with small bags and a woman who tells stories about where you came from while you tell me you are hunted.  You bring a child with no fault in the situation.  To be truthful, if you came without the boy and the same story I would not be so sympathetic so be grateful to him.”  The woman said firmly and James nodded immediately.  He would always be grateful for Tony.  “You will be monitored closely.  There will be places you can go and places you are forbidden to go.  You will be fed and housed.  We will find you work and your child can have schooling.  You will all be safe from whatever hunts you, but you will obey our every rule or we will cast you out.”

James was surprised.  It was a trick somehow.  Nothing good ever came to them and so this offer of refuge had to be a trap.  They would wait until they were asleep and steal Tony away, killing them or locking them away as prisoners.  James held Tony closer as he closed his eyes and tried to think of a way to keep him safe.  He had to accept the offer.  They had come here seeking safety and this was a chance, perhaps it was legitimate and not a trap.  He would stay focused and vigilant, he would be ready in case the Wakandans turned on them, and he would protect Tony above all else.

“My name is N’Yami, Queen of Wakanda.  Do not disregard the gift I am offering.  As long as you accept the place I give you without trouble then I will let you be safe here.  And only because of the child.”  The woman said.  She stood up, her clothes falling in a colorful frame around her swollen belly and James could only hope that they would be safe because of her sympathy for Tony, his child who he needs to keep safe, and this wasn’t a trap.

“Thank you.”  James said but the woman was already walking away, following one of the stone paths through the garden as she left.

The others who had lead him here and watched the interaction carefully walked out to meet them.  They didn’t safe much as they beckoned him to follow.  Tony stayed in his arms and the boy held tight, rambling about pretty flowers and nice ladies.  The boy’s hands were still curled tightly in James’ hair and his feet swinging as James held him despite the cuffs.

They were lead through the building and out through the front doors.  There was a car waiting for them.  Natalia was standing beside it, guarded several others but she looked completely at ease.  She walked up to them and hugged them, wrapping her arms around the two of them and resting her head on Tony as the boy wiggled and whined, trying to push her away.

“I think I’ve finally convinced them we’re just lost tourists and they’re letting us go.”  Natalia whispered softly as she kissed Tony’s head.

“I told them the truth.”  James said and he smiled as Tony tried to smack her away.

Natalia sighed as she backed away, her hands going to her hips as she backed away from him and faced the car.  “They are going to kill us.”  She said as she climbed inside.  James followed her.  They drove away from the building which appeared to be on the edge of the city, where the buildings had begun to mingle more with the trees.

“Tony will be alright.  That’s the only thing that matters.”  James said.  He caught Natalia’s look even though he kept his eyes straight ahead.  He didn’t want to make eye contact with her and make things more awkward than they had to be.  She was here for a reason.  She followed him here and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

“He’ll be the first one they kill.  They’ll make you watch.”  Natalia said flatly.

James shook his head.  “They would have to kill me first.  I would force them to.  I would have to be dead for them to ever hurt Tony.”  He reached up and poked the tip of the child’s nose and smiled fondly as he burst into giggles.  Tony was happy today.

They went deep into the city.  It surprised him to see so many bright colors all mingling together so beautifully.  The people dressed in such richly pigmented clothes and the buildings painted so bright that they shined in the sun.  It was a beautiful city.  They passed by stores and market places.  The further into the city they went the large the buildings grew, the more people they drove passed on the streets, and James stared in wonder at everything around.  Everything was so shiny and colorful, it was a perfect distraction as he looked at it all.

They went straight to the center of the city and down a street that was lined with dozens of trees.  They were so densely packed it almost seemed like a tunnel as the branches above blocked out most of the direct sunlight.  The car drove until it revealed what could only be considered a palace by James standards.  It drove around the building, stopping at a small gravel area on the side of the building.

“You will be staying in a small part of the house.  You are not to leave or cause any trouble.  This is one of the most heavily guarded places in Wakanda so nothing you do will go unnoticed.”  A woman said as she opened the door and led them from the car.  James kept a tight hold on Tony as they went up a few steps and into the side entrance.  “You will do whatever demanded of you, whether it is cleaning or helping with the upkeep of the property.  The child may see a tutor with the other children every day and he may play in certain areas of the property.  You will all behave or you will be cast out.”

Just a short walk down the hallway and they were lead to a small apartment.  It had a few rooms, a kitchen, and a bathroom.  It was furnished but only with necessities.  There weren’t as many colors as he had seen in the city.  It was blank mostly and James wondered if he could thank her for the small home they offered.  They didn’t need much room.  Tony wiggled from his arms to explore place while the woman who guided them stepped forward and released his hands from the metal cuffs.  With a final warning to behave she left them there to get settled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They have a home now. For now. Yay. Now time to get settled in.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, another chapter. Now back to the regularly sporadic updates due to my disappearing sense of control over my life.

“Appa, look.”  Tony shouted as he jumped up and down on the bed.  The small living space had two bedrooms with one bed in each.  Tony had already claimed on for himself with glee as he jumped up and down on it.  James watched calmly, ready to catch the child if he jumped too close to the edge.

James smiled.  Tony demanded attention and he saw no reason to deny the child of it.  He felt slightly safer now that the cuffs were off of his wrist and they had provided a safe place to stay.  Natalia had disappeared into the other room, set on looking for bugs and traps.  He didn’t want to know what she found because he was sure she was planting some of her own.  The home was not as safe as he would want it to be, but they couldn’t leave.  Not yet.  Not before they took a moment to rest.

He would sleep on the floor.  Tony was too excited about the small bed in this room for James to take it from him.  Natalia had already gotten settled in the other room.  The bed was larger but James would not share it with her.  He would not sleep where she could easily kill him.  Not so close.  He would sleep on the floor where he could hear Tony breathe and know he was sleeping safely.  This place was still dangerous.  Words meant nothing, they could promise to keep them safe and then attack them moments later.  Hydra wasn’t the only dangerous the only dangerous thing in the world.  He would sleep on the floor in Tony’s room.

“Look!”  Tony said loudly.  The boy was trying to jump higher by bending his legs once he was only in the air.  It didn’t make him go any higher but the boy giggled loudly as if it did.

“I’m looking.  I see you.”  James said. 

Tony hadn’t had his own bed before.  It had been a while since they had even stopped to sleep in a real bed.  James thought it had been a long time, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint how much.  Longer than a week.  A few weeks.  Possibly longer.  It all felt so distant and so long ago in his head that he couldn’t even remember how long it had been since they stopped long enough to find a real bed to sleep in.  Now that had a possible home where Tony had a bed of his own. 

“Are you really sleeping on the floor?”  Natalia asked from the doorway.

James nodded.  “I would rather be closer to Tony.  He needs me more than I need to be comfortable.  Tony deserves his own bed.”

Natalia hummed, looking at the bare room and smiling softly as Tony tried to get her attention.  The boy laughed and waved his hands.  He tried to jump higher but instead his feet slipped on the blanket.  James didn’t catch him, Tony was falling onto the center of the bed and didn’t need to be caught, but he stood up and took a step closer just in case the boy tried to roll off of the bed.  Tony only laughed louder.

This was good for them.  They were all exhausted.  Running was not a life they could live forever so even if this was temporary it was nice to know they had this home for now.  Tony jumped on the bed until he had run out of energy. 

They would start tomorrow.  They were being put to work here and they promised Tony a tutor.  They were being too good to outsiders such as them.  It didn’t feel quite right.  James ran a bath for Tony though the child tried to argue.  “No thank you.  No bath.”  The child said as he tried to wiggle out of James’ arms.

“Yes bath.  We have been walking for days.  This will be good.”  James said.  There was something very humanizing about a bath.  Washing away the dirt and grime, a bit of warmth to seep into aching muscles, and he could almost feel like a real person again.

He sat Tony down into the bath and the boy just screamed.  “No Appa.  No thank you.”  Tony whined.

The bath was warm, James dipped his hand in and swirling the water around.  Tony tried to slap his hand away. Perhaps he was tired and wanted to finally rest in a bed of his own.  Tomorrow they would work, they would do as expected to earn their chance here.  He wasn’t entirely sure what they would have him do, but it could not be worse than what Hydra made him do.  He would not go back to that life.

“No!  Stop.”  Tony said and pushed James’ hand away.  The boy was pouting, his lower lip pushed forward and trembling.

“Why are you so dramatic?”  James said.  He sat back and let the boy calm down.  Tony wiped his eyes, wiggling until he had turned so his back was to James.  After a few minutes he had stopped crying.  They were all too tired to be upset for very long.

Tony slapped his hand into the warm water, giggling loudly as it splashed back up into his face.  The child turned back to James, a big smile on his face before he splashed the water again.  James reached out for him, intent on scrubbing some dirt and mud away.

“No.”  Tony said, slapping his hands away again.

The child was moody.  He didn’t want to be touched right now and he didn’t want to be scrubbed clean. James sat back and crossed his arms so he could just watch Tony play.  They would be busy now that they were here.  They promised Tony a tutor, an education of some kind, and the rest of them employment to earn their way.  For now he could just let Tony play in the warm bath without James bothering him.

It didn’t take long.  Barely ten minutes went by and Tony was dozing off, barely able to keep his eyes open and sit up straight.  He would likely just fall asleep, fall over into the water, and drown if he stayed put.  Tony didn’t fight this time as James plucked him out of the water and wrapped up in a soft towel.  A small head fell against his shoulder.

Tony was fast asleep before they even made it to the bedroom.  Tony had his own bed now.  A room just for himself.  James couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to tuck the boy under the covers and let him sleep alone.  He climbed into the small bed and laid his boy out on his chest.  Tony was still small, but he had grown so much in their time travelling. He had grown in height and had more fullness in his cheeks.  The weight of the sleeping child was heavier now on his chest.  It was good.  Tony was eating and he was safe.  Despite the danger James considered this confirmation that he was doing something right.  His boy was alive.

It was quiet.  James had almost fallen asleep himself until the door opened.  It was only Natalia, slipping into the room with a spare pillow and blanket and making a space for herself on the floor.  James felt a burst of smug satisfaction. Despite how much his child was thrilled to have Natalia to laugh and play with it was still James who got to hold him at night. 

“There is a larger bed in the other room.  It would be easier on all of us.”  She said.

James shushed her.  He was perfectly happy right here.  Tomorrow they could figure it out.  Tomorrow they could plan out what to do with their lives.  But for right now, for tonight, he was going to hold his child while Natalia slept on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a nice little respite for them, now it's time for them to start their new lives here.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am probably updating a lot to make up for all the silence, but don't expect me to keep up this rate for long. It feels good to be writing again that's for sure.

James changed his mind.  He refused.  He would rather they throw him out and have to walk for miles with Tony until they find a new home than let Tony go off with these strangers.  He sat there, his arms around the child in his lap and his hands clasped together in an unbreakable grip.  He was aware of the people standing around him, but his mind was quiet.  They were talking to him but he didn’t hear a word.  They wanted to take Tony away.  For evaluation and education, a tutor set to test his skills and then create a curriculum for him.

That was what the Wakandans here had said.  They wanted to get it done while James and Natalia started to repay the gift of this small home.  Yard work, tending to the acres that the building stood on.  It was smart.  They would be easy to observe and the hard labor would get the excess energy out.  James would have no problem meeting these terms if they didn’t want to take his child away while he did it.

It was a distraction.  A trap.  They just wanted to take Tony away and keep James busy so he couldn’t protect him.  A thousand awful scenarios flew through his mind of what they might do.  Tony was weak, his thin arms were too breakable and he was too small to overpower these adults.  James could practically hear the child screaming for him once they start beating him.

“James, are you alright?” Natalia said.  She took a step closer, her feet falling almost entirely silently but James still tightened his hold on Tony.  “Stop, you’re scaring him.  You’re just going to make this worse.”

She reached out to Tony.  She wanted to take him away and hand him off to these people.  He should have never allowed her to come here with him.  He pulled away, turning to be a buffer between them and Tony.  The child was screaming, tiny hands curled tightly into his shirt to hold on tight.  Natalia backed up with her hands raised in defeat.  She shouldn’t be here anymore.  It didn’t matter what their lies were and what they said they would do, James would never allow any of them to take his child away from him.  If they hurt Tony then it would be because he let them take him.  And then he would kill them all.

“Perhaps a compromise?  Young children do tend to have trouble with separation so maybe both of you will feel better if I work with Tony with you in the room while you work.”  The man said.  He was a Wakandan, sent here to take Tony away and ‘help’ him.  He crouched down to be closer to the ground.  It made him appear non-threatening.  It might have worked if James had not already known he was dangerous.

“Stop it.  Stop.”  Tony said, his voice loud.  The child was scared.  It wasn’t James’ fault, he wasn’t overreacting, these people were going to hurt them.  Tony was scared because he knew these people would hurt him.  James would keep him safe.  “Go away please.”  Tony was holding so tight onto James that he couldn’t be pried away.

“You can’t have him.  He’s mine.”  James said firmly.

“We’re not trying to take him from you.  We are trying to help him.”  The man said.

The man was the tutor.  His job was supposed to be to see what Tony knew and teach him from there.  A private tutor was very generous gift.  It couldn’t be trusted.  It couldn’t be an innocent gesture.  He stood up and backed away from them, his ears ringing as he listened for any cruel intent in their words.  His bag was by the door, it would be easy to throw it over his shoulder and run.  These people would most certainly give chase.  It was such a clever trap, promise them a place to sleep and rest when they were exhausted and desperate, and lure them to the center of the city where there would be little chance for escape.

“If you don’t calm down then you will get us killed.  All of us.  You’re putting him in more danger than you need to.”  Natalia said to him.  German, James was uncomfortably aware that she had spoken to him in German. The Wakandans had spoken to them in English and Russian, the languages of the two war-hungry superpowers.  He didn’t know if they understood German.

James shook his head and put more distance between them until his back hit the wall.  Escaping would have been a simple thing, he could forge a path through buildings, through armies if he had to, but he couldn’t do it with a child in his arms.

“I cannot let you take him from me.  He’s mine.”  James said.

Natalia nodded.  “Yes, he’s yours.  No one here wants to take him from you.”  It seemed that they had switched back to Russian.  James didn’t care what game she was playing.  He didn’t trust her.

“Perhaps I have overstepped.  I won’t take him away.  I will sit with Tony, I won’t even touch him if you don’t want me to, in clear view where you will always see us.  I am sorry, I should have known you would be nervous.  We are strangers.”  The man said.  He looked over to the woman who came with him.  She had been very quiet since she had arrived, watching intently and waiting.  James was afraid of her.  While he was distrustful of all of the rest of them he was afraid of her.  There was too much authority in her presence, James was fearful of the orders she will give out.

“If that is what you’ll agree to then I’ll put your work assignment in the yard.  It is a hot day, the work will be exhausting, but the child can sit in the gardens while you work.  You will always see him and he will be able to begin his work as well.”  She said.  Her voice was calm and slow, her words clear so there would be no mistake of what she said. 

They must have introduced themselves at some point but he couldn’t remember their names.  He held onto the important information.  They wanted to take Tony.  They would probably hurt him.  So James could not let him go.

The two backed away and whispered to one another, the quiet words were unrecognizable and James wondered what they would be discussing if they had to speak their own language.  It was dangerous.  They could be planning a way to rip his child out of his hands and James didn’t know it. He could only imagine the horrible things they would do to them.  He held Tony tighter and the boy started to wiggle and kick.

“James focus.  You have to stay calm.  Look at yourself, you’re hurting him, calm down.”  Natalia said firmly.

James was breathing heavily.  He felt like he was shaking.  Tony was his mission.  Keep the child alive.  That had always been the mission and he was failing.  Again and again he somehow managed to deliver his child into the hands of people who wanted to hurt him.  Natalia was wrong.  The only was he could hurt Tony was if he handed him over.  Tony was safest with him.  She took a step closer, she looked so much larger than she was, towering over them like a hawk.  James turned his body and pressed Tony against the wall, protecting him.

Tony screamed, kicking and smacking his hands against the wall and against James’ chest.  He backed up immediately.  He wasn’t hurting Tony.  He could never do that.  His hands were white from how hard he was holding onto Tony’s arm, his metal arm wrapped snugly around his back to hold him close.  Tony’s arm was red, not a natural red but lines branching out from where James held him too tight and burned hot.  James nearly dropped him as he let go.  He wasn’t hurting Tony.  He wasn’t the person who hurt him.  He could never do that.

He crouched down, putting Tony on the ground where he could sit.  The child was scared.  He wasn’t scared of James.  He was still clinging to the fabric of James’ shirt, still trying to hold tight and stay close.  Because they were in danger.  James knew it and Tony knew he had to stay close.

“He’s scared because of you.  You need to calm down, James.  You need to at least trust me.  We’ve come this far, trust me enough to at least hear them out.”  Natalia said softly.  Her hands were raised in front of her, showing that she had no weapons but James knew her enough to know she didn’t need them.

He knew her.  He knew her for so long and he knew that she should be thHe last person he should trust.  Memories stood out in his mind, screaming for attention so hard that it hurt.  She was a girl, beating another to death with her bare hands as James watched on in the cold.  She was the interrogator, asking questions as she pulled out a man’s nails, always much more graceful with delivering pain than he was.  She killed children smaller than Tony, but James had taught her to do it.  He couldn’t trust her, but he allowed her to walk closer.  He tried to breathe slow, in and out with each of her footsteps.  James felt so tired, his arms barely touching Tony now, but he had to keep the boy close.

James expected her to take Tony away, to pluck him away once she was close enough.  He would kill her if she did, he would kill all of them. He wasn’t hurting Tony.  He would never hurt his child.  They were both scared, for good reason, and it was because they were dangerous.  Tony wasn’t scared of him.

Natalia didn’t take Tony. James watched, his eyes widening as her hand slowly reached out and landed on his shoulder.  Her touch was soft.  She rubbed small circles into his arm and James let out a shaky breath that he felt like he had been holding for hours.

“They can’t take him from me.”  James said.

Natalia shook her head.  “They won’t.  I promise.  Just listen.  Don’t ruin this for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next there is more N'Yami because I love her.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, I'm unstoppable

James held onto Tony until his breathing was even, until his body was mostly relaxed and Tony had calmed down too.  They were breathing together, deep inhale, slow exhale.  Tony was mimicking him and it helped.  The child seemed to know he was helping as he leaned forward and rested his head on James’ chest.  Perhaps it was helping him too.  Now that things had settled bit in his head it seemed so foolish of him to get his child worked up so much.

Natalia was still at his side, rubbing small circles into his back and not daring to move too much to startle him.  He was silently thankful for her, but he knew he would never have hurt Tony.  He had just gotten too overwhelmed.  Everything was becoming too much too quickly.  He didn’t want to hurt Tony, but he had been so scared they would pry the boy from his hands.

The two Wakandans had left.  After some murmured conversation between the two of them they had left without a second glance to them.  James was glad they were gone.  He didn’t know what they wanted from him.

“Just keep breathing, alright?  Keep breathing.  I’m going to give Tony something to drink if that’s okay.  I won’t take him.  Please trust me.”  She said softly.  He appreciated her.  He would never tell her that.

James nodded, watching with a careful eye as she stood up and walked towards their backpacks.  There was juice there.  James drank water, leaving the sweet juice for Tony for when the child needed it. Right now was a good time.  The boy’s eyes were still red.  He was exhausted, leaning against James’ chest as if he might fall asleep at any moment.  It brought back fond memories.  A small baby pressed against him seeking out warmth, comfort, and food.  Natalia gave Tony the cup of juice and the boy sat up a bit to drink it.

“He’s going to be alright you know.  You just have to trust me.  You wanted to come here and you now have to find a way to make it work here.  Trust me, I won’t let these people hurt him but you have be willing to compromise with them.  You have to stay calm.”  Natalia said. She wasn’t sounding so gentle now, she wasn’t trying to soothe him.  She was talking as if this was a normal situation.

“Why should I trust you?  You’re a monster.”  He said.  There was no heat in his words.  He was too tired.

Natalia smiled, the corner of her mouth turning up.  James decided it was for Tony, who drank his cup of juice so fast he had made a mess of himself and his mouth and cheeks were stained blue.  James had to smile as well.  Tony was not afraid of him.

“Thank you.”  Tony said as he handed the cup back to her.  Natalia’s smile widened and she reached out to take the cup before backing away.

“You’re welcome Tony.”  She said.

The apartment they were given was small.  James sat near the door and he could see nearly the entirely place from this vantage point.  He watched her walk to the kitchen and wash the cup clean.  She put it away in a cupboard.  He didn’t know why the scene was so funny, but he laughed about it.  Natalia, one of the most deadly women in the world, was washing Tony’s cup.

“When did you become so soft?”  He asked.

“Regardless of what they wanted us to be, we are still human.  You are allowed to be tender with him and so am I.”  She said.  Natalia looked back at him as she walked away from the sink, taking a seat a few feet away.  “You used to be tender with me as well.”

“I know.”  James said.  He shrugged, Tony giggled at the movement.  “It’s not all clear to me.  I remember, but it seems so far away, like it wasn’t me.”

That didn’t seem like the appropriate answer.  He thought he saw too much in her eyes and yet nothing at all.  James knew what they had.  He looked back at all of his memories in a veil.  It didn’t matter if it happened twenty years ago or simply yesterday.  Nothing in the past seemed real to him.  He only had this moment, with Tony in his arms, and the intent to keep him safe there.

“Do you trust me?”  She asked.

James took a deep breath and slowly let it out.  “I keep telling myself that I don’t.”

Natalia didn’t respond for some time.  Seconds stretched on like hours.  He could not be whoever she remembered.  James wasn’t a real person yet, and he didn’t know what kind of a thing he was back in those days.  He was a monster as well, he couldn’t be that anymore.  He had to keep Tony safe.  She watched him, her eyes piercing into him and hopefully she understood his mission.  Perhaps she could accept that.

There was a soft knock on the door, one that pulled them from their thoughts and into the moment.  The reality was that they were in a foreign land that did not want them.  James had accepted their offer to stay on their conditions and he had nearly gone into a panic because of it.  But he had made his point clear, Tony was his.

“Everything put aside, just trust me right now.”  She said as she went to the door.

James nodded.  Tony was already asleep, resting limply against James’ chest.  The day had been too stressful on him and so much emotion drained him fast.  He was warm, James relied on the comfortable weight on his chest to keep him calm as Natalia opened the door and let them in.  Women, dressed in armored fabrics that James had never seen before.  There were two of them, escorting in N’Yami into the small room.

She shouldn’t be here.  It was likely the woman was disappointed and was now ready to cast them out.  They had an arrangement that James hadn’t been ready to go through with just yet.  She had so much power here, dressed in such bright and beautiful clothes and jewels, sitting in their tiny and bare temporary home with her guards standing at either side of her.  James was scared of her.  She was the Queen.  He should not be so close to someone who had so much power over him.  She could order his death without issue.  He didn’t like it.

“Fisha is quite concerned with the boy’s safety.”  N’Yami said softly.  She folded her hands on top of her swollen stomach.  “He was the tutor, I hand picked him for my own child and I thought he would do a sufficient job in teaching your son until my child was old enough for schooling.  Why did you turn him away?”

James shrugged, narrowing his eyes just a bit. “They can’t take Tony away from me.  He’s mine.  You can’t have him.  What good would a tutor do anyway?  Just let me keep my kid close.”

“A tutor will give him an education.  Little Tony would have more skills and thus more opportunities to be useful.”  N’Yami said.

‘’You want to use him?”  James asked.  Natalia shushed him quickly.  He looked at her, his eyes wide and the sense of dread growing in his chest again.  Tony stayed asleep.

“I don’t want to use him.  I want him to have a chance to be useful.  I let you all here at the expense of my people.  You have a home that my people built, you have food that my people paid for, and you are offered safety within the borders of my country.  It would be selfish to not offer you all a chance to repay your debt.”  N’Yami said, her voice firm.  James hunched his shoulders and looked down at Tony, trying to focus on him.

Natalia stood next to James, her hand squeezing his shoulder again and he hated how much comfort he found in it. “And what use do you want from us?”  Natalia asked.

James refused to be someone’s weapon anymore.  He couldn’t be the ruthless monster that killed on command.  Not now that he had Tony.  He couldn’t go back to that life where they had him kill families, kill children, kill random men and women for someone’s gain.  Hydra had no mercy for anyone.  They killed to punish, they killed to make statements, they killed to reach their goals, and James had been the weapon of choice.

“Well today I was hoping to get some work done on the yard.  I don’t want the weeds to ruin my garden and I’m sure the little one would have loved the garden while Fisha decided on how to educate him.”  N’Yami said. She rubbed her stomach, letting out a soft hum.  “What purpose would I have in taking him away from you?  If you prefer to see your child, and I understand why, then it is easily done.  Now that that’s settled, shall we try again tomorrow?”

James considered the woman.  The Queen had taken the time to come here and it was unsettling, though he supposed it was her duty to look after her people and make sure the three of them weren’t threats.  James hadn’t been very calm earlier, he understood if his behavior raised concerns.  He just wanted to make sure Tony is safe.

The woman was also a mother.  Her child couldn’t be far from birth, a future king or queen that would need to be educated to ensure they were useful to their people as well.  James didn’t doubt she loved her child.  He hoped she understood his need to keep Tony safe above all, even despite her speech about only caring about his potential use.  If she said he was an investment, then there was less worry about them hurting Tony.

“No one touches him and he never leaves my sight.”  James said.

N’Yami nodded and stood up.  “It is agreed then.  Do get some sleep.”

The Queen and her two guards left out the door and once again their small apartment was left barren and colorless without the women’s colorful appearance.  James was breathing easier now that she was gone.  As long as Tony was safe he could hold himself together.  As long as they didn’t take his child away then he would control himself.


	50. Chapter 50

James didn’t like it, but he would look up at Tony and Fisha sitting exactly how they had been moments before.  They were sitting at a table in the gardens, on opposite sides of one another as Tony scribbled onto every paper the man handed him.  James could see very little of what was on the papers, but Tony filled them out, occasionally drawing tiny pictures in the margins before glancing up for approval.  The child almost looked worried in those moments, worried about the man’s response.  So far the tutor hadn’t even raised his voice, hadn’t shown any signs of annoyance or anger.  The child was pleased.

James spent most of the day pulling weeds.  It was repetitive work and it was a hot day, but it was soothing to the mind to be useful.  It felt good to work.  They hadn’t asked for anything he couldn’t do, it was all such innocent work that it put his mind at ease.  Once James was sure the garden was mostly clear of the weeds he was allowed to rest.  He was given water and a light meal and he went to go sit in the gardens with Tony.  The boy was given food as well, barely holding onto all of his food as he scurried out of his seat and over to the bench James had picked.  It was a nice place to enjoy lunch.

“Appa.  Look, see.  It’s mine.”  Tony said as he held up the items of his lunch.  James didn’t know what it was, the recipes nor the names of the dishes, but he recognized a type of meat and a type of bread, a bright red apple, and a package of small cookies.  The child was given chocolate milk as well to drink and James wondered what Tony, who had only been eating for such a short time, thought of such a filling meal.

“Yes, it is yours.  Eat as much as you can but you have to save the cookies for last.”  James said as he pointed at the small package.  He wanted Tony to enjoy sweets, but he needed to eat more nutritious food first.  He had seen the child almost starve and he refused to see it again.

Tony’s face scrunched up at the idea.  “No.  It’s mine.  It’s okay.”   He said, holding tight onto his package of cookies.

“Yes, they are yours but you eat them last.”  James said.  Tony shook his head.  The child’s eyes seemed to get bigger with each passing moment and he pushed out his lower lip in a pout.  It was adorable.

“No.”  Tony said.

This was a surprisingly difficult situation.  Part of him wanted to take the cookies away and demand that he eat his lunch first.  Another part of him wanted to respect Tony’s wishes, he didn’t want to raise an obedient child, he didn’t want to take away the freedom of him choosing when he ate his dessert.

Tony put everything else down and held the cookies, fiddling as he tried to open them and James just watched, still debating on whether or not to let him.  He didn’t want to be like them, refusing Tony something that he should be free to decide he wanted.

“No.  You have to wait until after lunch.”  James said and it was too easy to pluck the package of cookies from Tony’s hands.  “You can have them back once you eat.”

Almost as soon as James took the cookies Tony’s face shifted from a pouting expression into one that looked absolutely heartbroken.  He looked up at James, head tilted back and his lips trembling as the first tear fell.  James felt guilt fall heavy in his chest as he watched his child cry because of him, because he had denied the child a small treat.  But he was trying to be a parent.  After robbing the boy of a chance at everything it was now up to James to try and be a real parent.  Real parents did, they did what was best for their children despite what they wanted.  Cookies were a temporary happiness and James wanted to get Tony into the habit of eating his meals first.  They were more important.

“Appa, please. Please it’s mine.  Mine.  I want it back please.”  Tony pleaded, holding out his hand for it.

James sighed.  He shouldn’t be so soft.  He was too concerned with the child’s happiness that he was too willing to compromise.  It was a problem for another time.  He reached out with his metal hand and hooked his fingers under Tony’s chin, tilting the child’s head up a bit more and brushing his cheek with his thumb.

“Tony, I love you.”  James said softly.

Tony nodded.  “I love you.”

That pulled a smile onto his face despite the fact that he was trying to discipline Tony.  Somehow he had wronged this perfect boy, had ruined his whole chance at life, and still the child loved him.

“I know.  And I love you, but you can’t eat cookies before you eat the rest of your lunch.  This is a treat for later.”  He said.

Tony shook his head again.  “No, it’s mine.”

“This is the rule now.  If you follow this rule then you’ll make me very happy.  I want to see you eat real food first.  And I will give you your cookies back if you promise to follow this rule, they can sit right next to you until you’re done.”  James said.  He hoped he was doing the right thing.   No one had ever told him what to do to raise a child so they were happy and healthy.  It was concerning that sometimes there had to be a compromise on that, happy or healthy, and James couldn’t give him both.

After what looked like serious, deep thought, Tony nodded.  His eyes were still wet and a few stray tears still slid down his cheeks.  James sat the package down next to the child so that they were touching his leg and Tony let out a huff of air.

“Thank you Appa.”  Tony said.  His voice was soft and quiet and the child sounded too close to tears.

James was relieved.  He didn’t want his child to be angry or afraid.  He hated that he made the boy upset, but a few weeks ago he had seen the small child burning hot and close to starving.  Tony knows how to eat now so it was important that he does it.  James would rather Tony be healthy.  But Tony didn’t seem upset anymore.  Besides faintly red eyes it was hard to tell that Tony had been upset at all.  He was eating, kicking his feet and humming happily as he ate his lunch and drank his milk.

It wasn’t an issue.  It was only cookies and James tried to remind himself that as he ate his own lunch.  Tony was not angry with him and he was not afraid.  Tony had no reason to be afraid of him.  From the corner of his eye James saw Tony’s small hand move down to his cookies, just to poke them and then pull his hand back quickly.  James only smiled because Tony let out a loud and excited giggle.

Natalia joined them not long after with her own lunch in hand.  It was nice, she sat near them and smiled softly.  Her appearance was startling.  Her hair was pulled back, a few strands falling over her face now.  Her cheeks were flushed pink from the heat and the work.  He didn’t know why he was startled, but he decided to be cautious of it.

“Was he upset?”  She asked after just a moment.

“Yes.  But not anymore.” James said.  Natalia raised an eyebrow and waited. For some reason she was making him nervous and he wasn’t too keen to share information with her.  What if she thought he had made a mistake?  What if she thought he was too much like Hydra, that they had poisoned his head too much, and now he was ripping away Tony’s freedoms bit by bit?  Part of him didn’t think that was the case.  It was only cookies.  Still he worried.  “Tony wanted to eat his cookies first.”

“And you told him ‘no’?”  Natalia said.  James nodded slowly.  “Alright then.”

“Is that it?  You’re not going to add anything else?”  James asked.

Natalia shrugged, popping food into her mouth and rolling her eyes.  “What do you want me to add?”

“Your opinion.”  James needed it.  He needed an outside perspective on what was and wasn’t the right choice.  He was so worried he would overstep and Tony would shut him out.  What if he said something or did something that scared him?  Tony should never be scared of him.  Tony was scared of seatbelts.  Such an innocent thing meant to protect him by Hydra had turned it into something sinister.  One day James might hurt him unknowingly and Tony might never trust him again.  It could be anything, a word, a small restricted freedom, even the denial of a treat.

“So you value my opinion on how you raise Tony?”  Natalia said.

James was surprised by his answer.  “Yes.”

A smile lit up her face and once again James found her startling.  He almost wanted to tell her to stop smiling.  It made him tense and she reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, rubbing small circles there just as she had done when he was panicking.

“You have been on the run with this boy for a very long time.  And he has had a short life so it seems even longer for him.  Tony does not hate you because you made him eat his lunch before he could have cookies.”  Natalia said, her voice soft.

Tony tugged on his arm, demanding James’ attention as he held up the package and waved it around.  Tony had eaten his lunch, leaving behind only scraps and half of his chocolate milk.  Almost as soon as it came the tension and fear disappeared.  Tony looked so pleased, his smile wide it showed off all of his teeth and he giggled wildly as James took the cookies and opened them. Tony was not afraid of him.

“You made the right choice.  Don’t worry so much about it.”  Natalia said.

“And you’re sure of that?”  James said as he watched Tony eat a cookie and drink his milk as fast as he could, the chocolate milk running down his cheeks.

“Right now I am.”  She said.

Tony’s lunch ended not long after that.  Tony handed all of his trash to James before scurrying away back to the table where Fisha, the tutor, was going over all of Tony’s papers.  He smiled as Tony came up to him and once again he didn’t reach out to the boy.  His hands never got too close.  James kept a close eye on them anyway.

Tony smiled back at them and waved, holding up a paper that James couldn’t quite see clearly with pride.  James nodded encouragingly to make the child happy.  Natalia chucked.  He turned to look at her, contemplating her.  He wasn’t sure what she wanted.  What gain did she have in sticking by them. He had taken her previous excuses without question.  She said she had helped them to simply get away from her old life.  She followed them for thousands of miles and into a hostile country despite her protests.

“Is there something on my face?  What do you want?”  She asked, tearing her bread up and eating it in pieces.

“Yes.”  James said.  He had just noticed it.  A small scrape to the left of her chin, so thin it was almost unnoticeable.  That had to be it.  It had been throwing him off and had startled him.  A scrape, though a small and harmless one, was still an injury.

“What’s wrong with my face?”  Natalia asked.

James didn’t want to admit that such a small thing had made him tense and nervous.  It was silly.  He didn’t know what to tell her so he said the first thing that came to mind.  “Everything.  It’s awful.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked for fluff and so here was over 2000 words of fluff. Of James working and Tony learning and Natalia just being there and being startling though I think that's just the only word closest to the feeling.


	51. Chapter 51

“I would like to speak with you before you go home to rest.”  Fisha said when they had all finished for the day.

James nodded, wiping his dirty hands on his jeans and waiting for him to continue.  Tony went to go run around in circles in the yard, his arms stretched out wide.  They turned so they were both facing the boy.  James smiled fondly, Tony was playing and in a few moments they would go home and rest.

“He is very smart for his age.  I’ve been told he is five years old and he has an understanding of mathematical concepts that are way too complex for someone in his age group.  Though he did seem at ease with me grading them he did show nervousness when I asked him about the little drawings he does in the margins.  I think he was afraid.”  Fisha said softly.

James glanced over to him, studying the man’s face.  Fisha was taller than him, not as firmly built but he had a few more inches in height.  He looked concerned as he watched Tony spin in circles in the grass.  James didn’t think he would harm the child.  There was nothing in his face to even hint at danger.  “He thinks you will hurt him for misbehaving.”  James said.

Fisha’s face twitched as he turned to look at him.  “Is that what they did?  The people you are running from?”

“No one will hurt my son again.  Let him doodle if it makes him happy.”  James said and he crossed his arms.

“Of course. It’s innocent.  Besides, I am not worried about drawings on his math assignments.  Although he is very advanced in those areas he is very delayed in his language skills.  His reading and writing skills are not as far behind as his speaking skills, but enough that it will require extra attention.  I don’t have any children’s books in Russian to help practice his reading so I was hoping you could help him until I can get the proper materials.  The reading and writing we can handle but I am not trained for his other language delays.”  Fisha said, his voice fast and calm as he turned his attention back to his job at hand.  He was a tutor and it seemed he was ready to help the child learn.

“I will help him.”  James said.

He was tired.  It had been a long day, from stress and the work of his first day.  He called out to Tony and the child wasted no time in running up to him, arms outstretched.  James snatched him up and settled the child on his hip, walking away from the tutor.  Tony looked back and waved.  The child seemed to have enjoyed his day.

Natalia was already waiting for them when they got back to their quarters.  She was dirty, her hair falling in messy strands around her face and James narrowed his eyes at her.  Tony clapped and wiggled out of his arms.

“Look.  Mine, see.”  Tony said as he pushed up onto his toes and held up the little packet of assignments for Tony to work on tonight.

Natalia smiled warmly to him and reached out to brush her fingers through his hair.  The gesture seemed to please the child even more as he bounced up and down with a large smile.  James enjoyed looking at them.  He would rather Tony come sit by him so they could look through his assignments together.  Tony didn’t need to show them off to her.

“How was gardening?”  She asked, turning her calm smile from Tony to James.

“It was fine.  Tony enjoyed it.”  James said.  Tony went to go sit down in the main room while James washed his hands in the sink.

“Well, before you ask I should say my day was lovely.  I somehow ended up taking care of animals.  There are quite a few on the property.  Horses, dogs, wild animals that everyone assured me were harmless.  I got to feed them.”  She said as she stepped aside to let James have room.

“I wasn’t going to ask.”  He said.

Natalia laughed.  It was a soft sound but James decided to ignore it.  He wanted to give Tony all of his attention instead of letting his mind linger on this woman.  He let her claim the shower first so he could sit with Tony as the boy flipped through his papers excitedly.  He was more enthusiastic that the stack of papers were his than he was about filling them out it seemed.

“Tony.”  James said softly.  Tony looked back at him and smiled.  “Are you happy?  Did you have a nice day?”

He spoke slow and made sure he had Tony’s attention as he spoke.  The child’s language was delayed and James wasn’t sure how to help.  Perhaps it was his fault.  He didn’t speak to the child enough for him to be better.  Tony tilted his head a bit, favoring one ear and James smiled.

“Nice.  Yes Appa.  I am.”  Tony said.

“You are happy?”  James asked.

Tony nodded.  “Yes.”

“Can you say it for me?  ‘I am happy.’ Please.”

Perhaps it was too much too soon. Tony tilted his head to the side and his nose scrunched up slightly.  The poor thing was confused, James hadn’t done enough to help him sooner.  But if Tony needed him to talk then he would.  If James had to teach Tony every word in every language to help him then he would find the patience to do it.

“Please?”  Tony asked.  James nodded for Tony to continue.  “I am.”

“Happy.”  James said.

“Okay Appa.”  Tony said.  The child grinned wide and kicked his feet back and forth.

James sighed and nodded.  Tony understood.  That seemed a bit more important, he understood what was being said at least.  Repeating it would come later.

He asked Tony for his papers and the child nodded with excitement, handing him one and keeping the others in his lap.  The math wasn’t complicated.  The same algebra concepts that they taught to American high schoolers.  Or it looked like it at least.  James was good with math.  He didn’t mind it.  It was something he had to know for the job and it was good it came easy to him.

“Let’s start with this one.”  James said.  He put the paper down on the table in front of him and Tony moved closer to it.  Tony needed to know math, but for different reasons.  His child didn’t need to know the distance a bullet would have to travel to find its target.  Perhaps the boy would grow and become and architect, or an engineer, or any number of careers where math was good and useful instead of violent and deadly.

Tony leaned in close to look at the paper and then took the pencil offered to him.  The child looked down at the math and then back up at him briefly before he started.  He was humming while he looked, but James saw how the boy kept glancing up at him every few minutes for approval even though James tried to sit back and give him space to allow him to be comfortable.  Tony worked fast.  Within moments half the sheet was completed with the problems all written out step by step.  Then Tony got distracted, his pencil sliding just a bit to the right and scribbling curves and lines instead of numbers.  James didn’t stop him and instead just watched curiously.

It was a box on wheels with a metal claw sticking out the front.  A little robot that made Tony smile as he drew it onto the paper.  It was a childish drawing, but Tony looked up at him and smiled as he pointed at it.  James nodded, noting the tension in Tony’s shoulders.

“It’s okay Appa?”  Tony said.

“It’s lovely.  Keep going.”  James said.  He wasn’t worried about this.  Children were easily distracted and Tony already understood the work.  He would not punish the child for drawing small robots and cartoons on the paper.  Tony was scared that he would.

By the time Natalia wandered out of the bathroom, her hair wet and dripping, Tony had finished the rest of the problems on the paper and had drawn more little robots, aliens, animals, and other small and simple pictures in the margins and held it up to show her proudly.  Natalia took the paper, first looking at the math and then at the pictures with a fond smile.

“These are wonderful. What’s this one?”  She asked, pointing at a creature with large eyes and long fingers standing on a rocket ship.

“He’s nice.”  Tony said.  She handed the paper back and James gave Tony a fresh sheet of problems.  Calculus this time instead of algebra. 

“What did the tutor’s evaluation say?”  She asked, taking a seat beside James on the couch.

“He is delayed on his language skills.  Reading, writing, speaking, and the sort.  But he is very good with math.  Nothing we didn’t already know.”  James said.

Natalia nodded.  “Well at least now they know and they can plan a curriculum to help him advance as he should.  He deserves that at least.  Did you tell them about his hearing issues?”  She asked.  James didn’t answer.  “Why didn’t you?”

James shrugged. “It didn’t come up.”

“Well if these people are going to try and help with his language skills they should probably know he can’t hear from one ear.”  Natalia said.

James simply shrugged again it didn’t seem like an issue.  He didn’t see how these people knowing this would affect Tony in any beneficial way.  The child could still hear from one ear, he could understand a conversation just fine.  He had seen how Tony moved and participated in conversations. He tilted his head, always putting himself in a better position to hear.  Tony would be fine.

“He needs medical care.”  Natalia said.

“No, he doesn’t.  He’s fine.”  James said.

Natalia frowned, shaking her head and James was ready to argue with her.  Tony didn’t need anymore doctors.  He was alive.  He was no longer sick.  His skin was not too hot, was a healthy shade and no a bright red.  Tony was a healthy child.

“He nearly starved to death, he was in constant pain and his body had such a strange reaction to it all because of his serum.  It could still be hurting him.  He needs a doctor.”  Natalia said.

“No, he doesn’t. He is fine.  I won’t let them hurt him.”  James said.  He remembered the last time she had insisted on Tony seeing a doctor.  It had been a disaster though it was his fault.  He had panicked.  The stress of his sick child and his wariness of once again allowing them to hard Tony was too much.  It had sent him over the edge.  But Tony was fine now, he had gotten better.  “I don’t trust them enough yet.  Not right now.  Leave it alone.”

His eyes were wide as he looked at her, silently pleading. He was hoping she would see his perspective.  She was gentle with his child, she played and entertained Tony, she held him and was always good with him.  He knew she was capable of such softness, he recalled the cold nights of missions from so long ago, hiding and waiting out until morning.  She was capable of gentle care.  He prayed she understood his need to keep Tony from doctors, at least for now.  No response from her came.  His answer was considered and as Natalia opened her mouth to speak Tony had held up his second worksheet, this time nearly completely covered in little drawings.  Some were closer to scribbles and left them completely unable to tell what they were. 

“Oh, Tony.  That’s beautiful.”  Natalia said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't it lovely. They're all okay, they're all happy, and everything is going to be just fine.


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a thing.

It took a few weeks for the Russian books to come in but by then Fisha had taught Tony a few words in Wakandan.  Simple words, such as please, yes, and no.  They had an agreement, Tony would learn to read and speak in Wakandan with the tutor and the books were so Tony could improve his reading and speech in Russian at home.  James thought it was a good compromise.  They had settled in alright and nothing wrong had happened yet.  James might agree to stay as long as it continued to benefit them.

The weekends were for rest.  James was allowed a break from work, to sit in the gardens if he wanted instead of tending to it.  Natalia had no desire to go see the animals when she wasn’t working.  Tony wanted to, but Natalia only said a firm ‘no’.  So they stayed home, reading the small, Russian storybooks they had been given.  Tony loved them mostly because he Fisha had given them to him to keep.

“Mine.”  Tony said whenever saw the book.  James was trying to read to him, his finger brushing over the page to help Tony follow along, but the child wasn’t cooperative.  “Stop it Appa.  Gimme.  Mine.”

He pulled the books from James’ hands and held it close, humming as he flipped through the pages.  James smiled and watched his boy kick his feet and hold his book tightly.  It was a story James was not familiar with, but it had lovely pictures and simple words.  Tony didn’t seem to care to even try to read it and instead focused on the illustrations.

“He had the attention span of a goldfish.  Are you sure he knows the letters?  It would be easier to teach him to read if he knew what letters were.”  Natalia said. 

James frowned, that made sense and it angered him that he hadn’t thought of it sooner.  “I assumed he knew.  They would have taught him something important like that.”  James said.  Tony knew numbers.  He was very skilled with math and Fisha had said so himself.  But James recalled so long ago, Tony scribbling in one of his notebooks in numbered codes.  Tony might not know real letters, but he knew how to communicate.  James wondered if he had to teach Tony to translate the numbers to letters. He wasn’t sure if he knew how to do that.  Although he didn’t want to, he asked Natalia for help.

She raised an eyebrow after James explained it to her. He didn’t have that notebook anymore, it had been taken when they were captured by SHIELD.  But he had new notebooks, some of them already filled with so many things he wanted to write down and keep a record of.  Perhaps Tony would write it again.

“Well that sounds time consuming.  It takes forever to write out a single sentence in all those ones and zeroes.  Teaching him letters would do us all some good.”  Natalia said.  James nodded.  He didn’t know why Hydra taught him this, why they chose something like this for Tony to write down his thoughts.  It was inconvenient.  Natalia grabbed a piece of paper and plucked the book from Tony’s hands.

“No!  No, Nana, mine!”  Tony said, his arms outstretched for the book that was placed out of his reach.  Natalia set the piece of paper in front of them and pulled Tony close, despite the child’s growing displeasure.  “Stop it.  Stop!  Go.”

“Relax Tony.  I’m trying to help you.  Now letters are just symbols, just like numbers are.  You just need to learn the meaning of those symbols.”  Natalia said.  Tony struggled against her and kicked at her as he tried to crawl away.  He wasn’t in distress, James would have stepped in if he was, but Tony was clearly annoyed.

“Simpler words, Nat.  Tony’s a child.”  James said softly.  He only smiled as she sent him a cold glare.

“Fine.  Let’s start at the top then.  This is an ‘A’.  Pronounced like _aaah._ Try it and I’ll give you a cookie later with dinner.” Natalia said, elongating the word as she wrong it on the paper.  Tony glanced at the paper and wiggled against her.

“Aaaah.  Appa.”  Tony said and tried to kick at her again, though he didn’t kick hard enough to hurt her.

“Good.  Bribing works.  Now this is a ‘б’.  Pronounced with a _buh_ sound.  Cookie with dinner, go.”  Natalia said.

James sighed and rolled his eyes.  He had no interest in relearning the alphabet and he let his mind wander.  Tony eventually stopped pouting and struggling and instead watched as Natalia drew the letters and with the promise of future treats Tony repeated her pronunciation.  All thirty three letters in the Russian alphabet until Tony was done and given the paper as a gift.

“Appa, look.  Mine.”  Tony said as he held the list high.

“For practice later.”  Natalia said firmly.  She picked up the book she had put away on the counter and handed it back down to the boy.  Tony jumped up and grabbed it, holding it close and darting away to the far side of the room and opened the book on his lap.

James went to the kitchen to check on dinner.  He hadn’t cooked in so long and yet he found it calming.  It was chicken with plenty of rice and vegetables.  It wasn’t done cooking yet, but it was already smelling delicious.  He closed the oven and turned to Natalia, who had followed him into the kitchen.

“Thank you for helping him.  I don’t know where I would have started.”  James said.

Natalia nodded.  “You’re a smart man but you’re an idiot sometimes.  Especially now, I think maybe having a kid is making you forget your senses.  But I’m an idiot sometimes too.  They never really trained us for this.”  She said, a smile on her lips and James turned away.

“I guess they didn’t.  We’re doing a terrible job.”  James said.  He kept looking at something else, the dishes in the sink or the mess of juice on the counter from Tony.  She walked closer and James kept looking at other things.

“Well he’s alive.  You haven’t killed him yet.”  Natalia said.

James nodded, glancing up at her.  “I don’t do that anymore.”  He held her gaze, letting her eyes pierce into him.

“Yes you do.  Both of us.  It’s what we were made to do.”  She said.  She was standing directly in front of him now.  James couldn’t help but look at her.

“Okay.”  James said.

“You can’t change someone’s nature, James.”  She said.

James shook his head.  “I was a real person before Hydra.”

“My point stands.  You’re a real person now.”

“I am?”

“Yes.”  Natalia said.  She was so close now.  James stared at her, letting her move close and lean against him.  He almost wanted to push her away but her words were like magic.  He was a real person.  She thought he was at least.  Natalia, who taught Tony his letters and had an awful face.

“You’re a liar.  I don’t trust you.”  James whispered.

Natalia chuckled, her hands settling on his chest.  “That’s smart.”

James was the one who leaned in.  He initiated it.  He was proud of himself, it was a stupid and personal feeling that swelled in his chest but he had acted on it of his own choice.  That felt real.  Kissing Natalia felt real and soft and familiar.  He allowed it to go one for just a moment longer before leaning back and lightly pushing her away.

“You promised Tony too many cookies.  Thirty three cookies, he knows how to count.  You’re an idiot.”  James said as he turned away and checked on dinner again. 

“We literally just agreed about that.  Only sometimes.”  Natalia said.  James recognized her smug tone, as if she had won a victory, but her voice seemed soft as well.  It was strange.  He didn’t hate it.

James stayed in the kitchen and waited until dinner was done while Natalia rejoined Tony in the living room.  Dinner was over soon.  He wanted to make sure it was perfect and that Tony ate his before he demanded his cookies.  They didn’t even have that many cookies.

He waited in silence alone in the kitchen for a few minutes as dinner cooled.  He didn’t call them in until the plates were made and set at the small table pushed into the corner.  He enjoyed the silent moments he had alone, not worrying about Tony being in danger while in the living room with Natalia.  He wondered when he had stopped worrying about that.

“Dinner.”  James called out.

Tony shouted, cheering happily as he darted into the kitchen and reached up for James.  “Appa.  Mine.”  Tony said.  James was beginning to think that it was Tony’s new favorite word.  He felt safe enough to claim things, which was good.  Tony was allowed to have things.

“Yes, yours.  No one will take it from you.”  James said as he picked up the boy and put him in his seat at the table.  It was too large for him, his head poking over the edge of the table and his hands reaching out for his plate. He was just big enough to eat without issue, though there was a mess.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure domestic bliss. Good things. Nothing bad. Happy families. Falling in love. Child growth. Great. No bad. :)


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a nice and fun chapter to prepare you for what may or may not be coming next.

Tony had been practicing his words in two languages.  James worried only briefly that perhaps they were working him too hard, forcing him to speak, read, and understand far too much all at once.  That alongside his other lessons in math and science, it would be easy for the child to be overwhelmed.  Instead the child was excited.  Tony laughed and clapped at every new thing they all tried to teach him, insisting on treats and Natalia had promised so many cookies that Tony had learned the word and repeated it regularly.

The queen brought Tony platters of cookies when she heard Fisha mention it.  She looked perfectly at home in the gardens.  James and Natalia were taking the day off and Tony was happily running through the bushes, playing some game with the other children.  The other servants of the palace had allowed their children out to play as well.  Tony followed them eagerly, taking one of their hands and played a game he didn’t know the rules to.  James wondered if this made the queen happy, watching the children play in her gardens as she was coming so close to becoming a mother herself.

“Thank you for your kindness.  Nat offers Tony so many treats that she can’t actually give him.  And Tony keeps wanting to cash in.”  James said.  He ate a cookie and watched as the same child who let Tony cling to his hand also let Tony share his hiding spots in the game.

“Of course.  Rewards are a good motivator.  If he doesn’t get them when he works hard then they would lose their effectiveness.”  She said softly, her hand moving in slow circles over her large stomach.

It was likely to happen any day now.  James couldn’t help but think of Maria as he looked at N’Yami.  A young, new mother with so much hope and worry.  Maria hadn’t been so far along in her pregnancy when she died, when James stole the baby from her and handed him off to people who wanted to hurt him.  James wondered if Maria would have been a good mother, a far better parent than the one James was trying to be.  N’Yami caught him staring, but he didn’t look away.

“May I?”  Natalia asked, leaning in and holding her hand out towards her stomach, but not touching just yet.  Not until the queen nodded in permission.

“Pregnancy was more trouble than I anticipated.  I hope it was worth it.”  The queen said, waving away the women on guard as they came closer.

“It will be.  Having a kid is… strange.  But nice.”  Natalia said.

James smiled as the women smiled and began chatting.  He tuned them out, watching as Tony held a small girl’s hand and giggled as she pulled him away from the screaming and running group.  It was such a strange game, a few children giving chase while the others ran away.  James had spent far too long being chased to enjoy it as a game.  He was surprisingly thankful that those experiences didn’t seem to ruin games for Tony.  The boy deserved to play freely.

He watched as Tony made friends, other children who talked too quickly in their own tongue for Tony to keep up but also didn’t mind Tony’s slow Russian mumblings.  The children couldn’t understand each other and therefore the attempted conversations were quickly dropped and brushed aside.  Tony said what few Wakandan words he knew, which James understood were ‘yes’ and ‘no’.  Tony would say ‘yes’ to the girl holding his hand as they hid in the bushes from the children chasing and laugh out a ‘no’ as they ran through the grass. Tony couldn’t run for long.  His heart wasn’t as strong as the others.

After a few moments Tony let go of the child’s hand and walked slowly back up to them, reaching out for James and he wasted no time in picking his child up into his arms.  Tony was bigger, heavier and he took up a bit more space on James’ lap.  It was comforting.  It signified the amount of time they had been out here together.  Tony was growing free from Hydra.

“Having a child is scary, but you won’t regret a moment of it.  Tony is the most troublesome child one can get and he’s a miracle.”  James said, cutting off the women’s conversation.  The queen smiled at him.  “You have given us a safe place here, you care deeply, and you will be an amazing mother.”

James didn’t quite trust her yet, but he wanted to reassure her.  He had let one mother die in the middle of nowhere.  He left Maria with the full knowledge that she was dying and she thought she was dying with her baby.  Motherhood was probably scary by nature.  James had felt fear and worry as he raised his child, as he comforted and protected Tony as best as he could.  James wanted to help ease the worry, but he didn’t know how.  This woman had everything they didn’t, she had money and security, and she had no one after her.  No one seeking to rip her child from her.  If James could be happy with his child and content with this life then she would be alright.

“Perhaps our boys could be friends.  Tony is half a decade older than mine, but perhaps they could be like brothers.  My son has a lot of pressure on him, Tony could give him as much joy and peace as his presence has given me.”  N’Yami said softly, outstretching her arms and Tony let her take him onto her lap. 

James let her hold Tony.  He stopped his hands from clenching into fists with the desire to keep her away.  She wasn’t dangerous.  She was far too pregnant and peaceful to ever hurt them.  Tony seemed to adore the woman, leaning his head against her and yawning.  The games had taken their toll and Tony was already half asleep.

“One day you will tell me how you got him.  The full story.  I will avoid judgement.  Regardless of your journey here you are a good father.”  N’Yami said, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Tony’s head.

James had told her so much already and she allowed them to stay in her country.  He didn’t think they would be thrown out or imprisoned if he told the entire story.  He was starting to believe no harm would ever come to Tony here.  His child had a tutor, a room of his own in an apartment given to them.  They had work and food, as close to a normal life they would likely ever have.

Tony was asleep, leaning against the queen and his hand curled into her hair.  James wanted to pluck Tony away and go tuck him into bed.  N’Yami seemed to understand.  She waved him closer and allowed James to carefully pick Tony up.  The child hummed and wiggled but didn’t open his eyes as he settled his head on James’ shoulder.

“Go lay him down.  I think everyone has had enough for today.”  N’Yami said softly.  She returned her hands to her stomach and nodded for them to leave.  James walked away, glancing back at the children still playing as they waved at them as they went by.  Tony could play with them again another time.

Natalia followed them out of the garden, walking by his side as they made their way back to their small apartment and tucked Tony into his small bed in his room.  James left the door open as he came out.  Tony would nap for a few hours at least.  Natalia smiled at him as she nibbled on one of the dozens of cookies the queen had gifted to them and James walked up to her.

“Do you feel like a mother?”  He asked.

Natalia raised an eyebrow and shrugged.  “I don’t know how mothers feel.  I don’t think I do.”

“I suppose mothers are constantly worrying.  They have a child who need them for everything, who will learn everything from them.  Is that terrifying?”  James asked.  He knew it was.  He had gotten past the stage of wanting to keep Tony safe from everyone and everything as his main priority and allowed room to worry about what he was teaching his child.  What must Tony think of the world based on what James had showed him?

“Maybe you’re the mother then.”  Natalia said with a soft chuckle.  She pushed up on her toes and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

His hands settled on her hips to keep her close.  “Do you want to be a mother?  If you promise to never betray us I will let you call yourself one.”

“I don’t know if I want to be a mother.  I’ll test it out first but I reserve the right to change my mind.”  She said.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled.  After that first kiss the affection had come easier and more often.  It made his head hurt but he didn’t feel the need to push her away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be fair, y'all can't be mad at me for this.

The day was silent.  James hadn’t noticed a single thing wrong during the morning.  He woke up in bed, Natalia snoring slightly next to him with her legs pressed against his back.  He couldn’t remember when he had stopped sleeping on the floor of Tony’s room and instead joined the bed with Natalia.  She woke up as soon as he stirred, blinked up at him as he stretched and got up, and then closed her eyes again.  He left her alone.

He woke Tony up once breakfast was ready.  It had been a surprise when they were paid for their work.  James had assumed the place to live and food to eat was what he earned, but money to go to the market and buy Tony a heap of new toys were a pleasant surprise.  He bought enough to make blueberry waffles.  Tony loved them.

When they went out to the garden to start their day it was empty.  Not a sound came from the area.  They weren’t early, they came at the same time every day and usually other workers were already there.  Today there was no one.  James sat with Tony as they waited for the tutor.  The child was quickly growing restless, kicking his feet and whining from his spot on the bench until James allowed him to go play.

“Where are they?”  Natalia asked.  It had nearly been an hour and she had joined them in the gardens.  James couldn’t understand what today was, perhaps some sort of holiday they weren’t informed of.  He didn’t know how they were supposed to honor it.  Tony eventually grew too restless to just sit and wait so James allowed him to run off into the garden and play, always within sight.

They watched their child run through the grass and kick at the budding weeds, growing tired very quickly and then just sitting near the flowers.  He hummed as he reached out and plucked one from the ground.  The flower was a deep orange and James did not know the name of it, but Tony held it up with pride.

“Appa look.  Mine okay?”  Tony said as he let James look at it.

“Very pretty.  But don’t pick any more, they aren’t yours.  They belong to the queen so you always have to ask before you pick her flowers.”  James said.  He wondered, very briefly, about whether she would be angry and throw them out in a fit of rage.  He doubted it, after all the trouble they had been it would be picking the flowers that were unforgivable.

Tony nodded and tried to put the flower back.  It was lovely, watching the child try to put the flower back in the ground and huffing in annoyance as it wouldn’t stand straight up like it had before.  This boy had amazed his tutor with his math skills and yet he didn’t quite understand plucking a flower.

As the sun rose higher in the sky no one came out to the gardens, not even the usual couples who would walk by the flowers or the staff’s children who would play after school.  James even tried to do his work.  Perhaps it was a trick, to see if he would work when no one was there to supervise.  He plucked weeds and tended to the trees, looking down at the bushes and flowers to find that they were growing just fine.  He had dirt caked under his nails and Tony had plucked a dozen new flowers, but when lunch came no one had arrived yet.  Natalia stayed on the bench, watching both of them calmly.

“I’m heading in, see if anyone is in the kitchens, or in the bathrooms, or anywhere.”  Natalia said.  She stood up and held her hand out.  Within seconds Tony was darting to her, hand outstretched.

“Hi Nana.  See, it’s mine.”  Tony said as he held up a fistful of crumpled flowers.

“Those are lovely, Tony.”  Natalia said.  She started to walk towards the doors and James walked a few feet behind her.  He kept an eye as Tony stumbled along, gripping her hand and keeping pace with her.  He watched the corners of the room they walked into and tried to find any signs of life.  No one was there.  Not a sound was heard besides their footsteps.

Every instinct James had was telling him to grab Tony and run, but he knew that it wouldn’t do any good.  They were still deep in Wakanda, closed off from the rest of the world and this was either an ambush or just a simple misunderstanding.  He hoped that it was some national holiday dedicated to rest, everyone was home, nothing in the world was wrong.

“Fisha lives here.  Perhaps we can find his apartment?”  Natalia said.

“Yes!”  Tony shouted, his voice echoing off the walls.

“How do you know where he lives?”  James asked. He looked up at the high ceilings, eyes roaming over the patterns carved into them. This was a strange building, the colors more vibrant in every tile, curtain, and stained window.

“I talk to people James.  He invited us to dinner sometime and told me how to get there, but I said that we couldn’t go.”  She said.

James followed her.  Every few steps she would pause and look down different hallways, frowning as she tried to decide which way to go.  She glared at James’ smug smile and turned them around on more than one occasion.  The building was large and very quiet.  There wasn’t a single person even cleaning for them to speak to.  James moved closer, taking Tony into his arms as the child grew too tired from the walk, his hand going up to press against his chest.

He was glad he picked up Tony.  Holding his child made the tension drain away, he could feel the slow patter of his heart as it struggled to keep up with how heavy he was breathing, but he was safe in James’ arms.  Tony never would have made it up the stairs on his own.  James held him as they made it up them and Natalia made a pleased noise as they walked down the hall and she stopped at the door closest to the window, looking out over the garden in the back.

“Don’t even doubt me again.”  She said and she raised her fist to knock.

They heard a rustling on the other side of the door and a few moments later it opened.  Fisha poked his head out in surprise and Tony cheered loudly.  The man looked confused, but opened the door to let them in.

“Tony missed you.  You didn’t show up for his lessons and no one came out to the garden.”  James said.  He took a step closer, allowing Tony to reach out for the man who took the needy child without complaint.  James would allow it.

“Everyone is at home today.  The nation in is mourning.”  Fisha said, his forehead creasing.  He looked so very different in his home, his glasses were a bit smudged, his eyes red, and his usually clean and crisp clothing was now wrinkled and well worn from use.  The man looked comfortable instead of professional.  “Did no one tell you?”

James and Natalia shared a look.  Tony wasn’t listening, one hand gripping tight to Fisha’s shirt and the other holding up his flowers.

“The queen insisted on a natural birth.  She didn’t want the fuss of too many machines and too much technology.  She was so excited to be a mother, you understand?  She wanted to experience it the way mothers had since the beginning, so she said no to a lot of things doctors suggested.  She wanted to give birth to her child herself without technological assistance.”  Fisha said slowly, shifting Tony higher up on his hip.  “Last night.  Word spread fast.  I assumed someone had come to tell you and for that I apologize.  The queen has passed and today people shall stay home.  Wakanda is quiet today.”

Tony didn’t seem to understand, but he noticed the shift in mood.  He wiggled and reached out for James, eyes wide and wet from threatening tears but James wondered if Tony understood what death was.  This boy didn’t even understand he couldn’t put flowers back into the ground.  James was afraid.  The queen was their best ally, a worried new mother who allowed them to stay in safety and in peace.

“Stop it, Appa.”  Tony said as he reached up and squeezed at James’ cheek.

“Is the baby alright?”  James asked softly.

Fisha forced a sad smile.  “Last night our new prince, little T’challa, was alive and doing well after the complications of birth.  Don’t worry, today we mourn and tomorrow we will rejoice the baby’s arrival.  You three go home and rest now, little Tony seems tired.”

James nodded.  After hours of playing and a long walk through the palace the child could barely keep his eyes open, but he kept reaching up and poking at James’ face.  They went back to their apartment, which was quiet and filled with the small stockpile of little things they had come to own.  Tony had colorful new clothes, bought with the money they had earned from the weeks of hard work.  Tony could wear them on another day.  For now James tossed aside Tony’s dirty clothes and helped him into new ones before tucking him into bed to rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said. Y'all can't be mad at me for this because in CANON N'Yami died giving birth to T'challa. But now we will be introduced to the baby and the baby's father. I'm sorry. I'm sad too.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive. Sorry, I've just been caught up in inspiration for something else. I'm still fully dedicated to this story, I promise.

Everything was unnaturally quiet in the weeks that followed.  It was several days before anyone would begin to join them in the gardens, Tony would run and play alone as James waited to see if the tutor would come, if his supervisor would arrive, if they would begin their now set routines of working and learning here. 

 

Fisha was the first to come, carrying a few bundles of books and papers, and he gave Tony a stiff smile.  "Hello, little one."  He said as Tony rushed up to him, bouncing on his toes and ready to learn.

 

James waited off to the side as the two sat down at one of the tables.  He hadn't had such a close look at their lessons in a long while, he had grown comfortable here, watching from afar as he tended to the trees and pushes in the area.  This was so close.  James could hear every word Fisha said as he leaned over the table and sounded out words on the paper for Tony, he sounded them out as well.

 

Occasionally Tony would grow annoyed of him, the teacher sounding out something he was pointing at and Tony staring at it blankly until he shook his head and said a simple "no" and pushed the paper away.  Tony seemed to enjoy math more than the reading and sounding out.  He pulled the paper close eagerly and gripped his pencil tight.  The child knew how to do most problems before Fisha even had to explain it to him.  After a few more practice papers of similar problems they moved on to slightly harder material.

 

"I'm just trying to see what he already knows and what more he could learn."  Fisha said, smiling warmly down at Tony.  He did not look as stressed as he had when he first arrived.  He looked calmer.  "The practice would be good for him, but it's difficult to find math that doesn't come naturally to him.  I'm pleased, really."

 

"I'm simply relieved that they are still letting him have this."  James said.  He didn't talk about the new fears, the ones that whispered into his head and kept him up at night.  He had made a small progress, sleeping in bed with Natalia instead of on the floor of Tony's room.  It was a single step backwards, in his opinion, that he couldn't sleep and went into the boy's room to check on him every few minutes.  They had lost their only ally.  They would be either imprisoned or cast out.

 

Fish left Tony with a pile of practice papers and then went to join James on the bench, arms resting on his legs and his eyes watching Tony curiously.  "There was a discussion with the king.  You are not short on allies, my friend.  You all may stay and be safe, just as you had."  He said slowly.  James was relieved, but that worried voice still spoke in his mind about whether or not these people could be trusted.

 

He spoke his concerns.  "Your country is so closed off to outsiders.  Why would he want us here?"  James asked.

 

"N'Yami wanted you here.  That is enough for him.  Things will be slightly different, however.  The king insists that Tony have a medical exam, just to ensure he is healthy.  There is no point in having him here to keep him safe if he isn't getting the best care possible."  Fisha said.

 

"No."  James said.  They both watched as Tony held up the finished worksheet with a large smile before putting it down and starting another.

 

"It's just a simple check up.  To make sure he isn't sick and he's growing as he should.  He's still young, health is important."  Fisha said.

 

James shook his head again.  "He is fine."

 

"Are you certain of that?"  Fisha asked.  "What if his heart isn't working correctly?  What if his lungs aren't?  What if he's too small or too he's in pain?  He could be very sick and no one could realize."

 

"I know he is alright.  I know what's wrong and what isn't."  James said quickly.  Tony was deaf in one ear, always tilting his head to listen when people spoke to him.  His heart was too slow, he was easily tired when he ran and played.  There was the red, warm glow of Tony's skin that seemed to burn when he was sick.  James didn't trust anyone to look over his child, he didn't trust doctors.  He would not hand Tony over to them.

 

"We can discuss this more later."  Fisha said, sighing softly.

 

"No."  James said.

 

Fisha turned to him, taking his eyes off of Tony for the first time.  He was not a threatening man.  He was slender, soft spoken, and James could kill him without difficulty.  Though the look in his eyes was intimidating.  "Has he been vaccinated?"  Fisha asked.  James didn't answer, the man continued.  "Do you know his allergies?  Any genetic conditions?  You know, even if you and your wife don't show signs of illness you could have passed something on to him."

 

James' mouth twitched.  He almost wanted to smile.  "I didn't pass anything on to him."  He said.  Howard could have.  Maria could have.  James didn't have answers to these questions.  Certainly Hydra vaccinated the boy.  If Tony had allergies then nothing had bothered him yet.  He was alive.  Tony was smiling brightly as he held up the second completed worksheet excitedly.

 

"He's a wonderful child.  Just make sure he's being properly cared for."  Fisha said and he stood up to walk back to the table.

 

Tony looked quite healthy.  He had put on weight since their stay, since they had established a rhythm of three meals a day.  Settling here had been good for him.  He had grown several inches and his hair stood up in messy curls, some clinging to his forehead.  James saw nothing to worry about his the child's face, he had a healthy glow and a bright smile.  There weren't even dark circles under his eyes.  He was rested.  He was healthy.  James worried often about many things but he wouldn't worry about this.

 

Natalia joined them when lunch time came.  Tony was given his meal and he climbed onto the bench beside James.  The child was excited seeing her walking towards them, waving and giggling and patting the spot on the bench next to him.

 

"Hi, Nana."  Tony said.

 

"He calls me 'Nana'.  As if I were his grandmother."  Natalia said, taking her seat and leaning down to press a kiss to the top of his head. 

 

"It's because you're old."  James said.  She smiled at him.  Part of him wanted to tell her about Fisha discussing Tony to the king.  T'Chaka.  A man neither of them had met and the decision he made about the shelter they had found here.  James didn't say anything.  He knew Natalia would take their side, insisting Tony at least get a check up.  He held the information to himself, he would not let anymore doctors near Tony.

 

Tony was eating with his hands, happily humming to himself as he kicked his feet back and forth.  This child was perfect.  He didn't need these people poking at him, jabbing needles into him, frightening him.  James wondered how much of Hydra Tony remembered.  So much time seemed to have gone by and the smiling, energetic child was so different than the quiet, small one he had run away with.  Perhaps Tony didn't remember them at all.  Perhaps Tony would be laid out for the doctors to look over and be driven to a panic.  Tony's fear wasn't quiet anymore, everything about his child was loud and demanding attention. 

 

"Appa, look."  Tony said, holding up a cookies that had frosting on it, making the treat look like a cat face.  James smiled at it, pretending to reach for it and take it.  "No.  No, Appa.  It's mine."

 

Tony was laughing, quickly stuffing the cookie into his mouth.  There was nothing wrong with this child, he was perfectly healthy.  Tony was eating so much, he was smiling and happy.  There was nothing a doctor could do for them.  James remembered Tony's file, full of the awful things Hydra had done to the boy, but he remembered that whatever serum Tony had was designed to keep him alive.  It burned through his veins towards any threat, illness, or injury.  Natalia had read that as well.  They had both seen it when Tony was starving, his stomach not used to solid foods just yet.

 

"What are you thinking about?"  Natalia asked.

 

James looked up at her, frowning slightly as Tony leaned against her to eat.  "I think we should leave soon."  He said.

 

Natalia shook her head.  "I don't think we should.  Not yet."  She said.  She rose her hand to silence him before he could argue.  "Tony is doing well here.  This life is stable.  He's getting an education.  He's safe."

 

"He's not safe.  Not with N'Yami dead."  James said.  He frowned as Tony perked up at the woman's name, looking around the garden and then leaning back against Natalia when he didn't find her there.  The boy didn't understand.  He didn't know how to possibly make him understand what it meant that a woman had died giving birth.

 

It seemed unfair.  "Give us a little while longer.  Don't drag him on the run again so soon."  Natalia said softly.

 

"Fine.  Only for a little while more."  James said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony will be okay! Don't worry! They'll all be just fine! Definitely a baby in the next chapter! Promise!


	56. Chapter 56

James couldn't sleep over the next few days.  The more they all pestered him the more visions of Tony with Hydra danced in his head.  He had found the little boy attached to wires and tubes, fast asleep in a bare room with nothing but machines for company.  It was empty, lonely, and surrounded by so much medical equipment Tony looked more like an inhuman creature than a little boy.

Tony looked better now, his skin golden from the sun and his cheeks rounder from eating full meals regularly.  He had grown several inches and had a mane of messy dark curls.  But as James spent afternoons watching Tony run around with the other children and playing in the garden he grew worried.  Tony couldn't run for long, he would gradually slow down and then sit in the grass after a few minutes, a hand on his chest and his breathing deep.  He would go out there, place a hand on his child's back, and feel the slow heartbeat trying desperately to keep up with the exercise.

Tony was not as healthy as he needed to be.  Something inside of him was wrong and despite whatever it was that was keeping him alive it wasn't fixing any of it.  Tony was healthier than he was before but there were some things a hot meal and a few hours in the sun weren't going to fix.

Reluctantly, James agreed.  He gave in to their pleas and insistence that Tony be examined by a doctor.  There were conditions.  James was to always stay by Tony's side no matter what.  He would stay with Tony and make sure the child was safe.  He would make sure the doctors didn't hurt his child.

The hospital was large, colorful stones stacked high and large, clear windows letting in the perfect amount of natural light.  Fisha came with them, to escort them to the right place and act as a mediator between James, who was cautious, and the doctors who claimed only to help.  James couldn't read the Wakandan signs or speak their language, besides a few phrases of small talk he had picked up over the weeks.

There was a special area of the hospital for children, the colors bright and happy, the windows a bit lower to the ground, and everything seemed a bit brighter.  He held Tony's hand tighter as they walked past the colorful murals of jungles and animals, Tony's hand reached out to trail his fingers over the paint and giggled happily.  There was a skip in Tony's step as they went towards the end of the hall.

The room still had large windows, looking out over trees and beautiful gardens.  Mountains poked up along the horizon.  James looked out the window and planned an escape, which direction would he run if he needed to get away.  Tony was tugging on his hand, trying to swing it back and forth in some game that James indulged him in.

The doctors came.  Three of them.  Two were young with kind smiles and one was older, hair gray around her temples and despite her lack of a smile, her eyes were soft as she looked down at Tony.

"So this was the queen's favorite guest?"  The older woman said.

"This is little Tony."  Fisha said softly.

The two younger doctors seemed to adore the child immediately, crouching down to talk to him in slow Wakandan words or simple Russian.  Fisha frequently had to step in to translate.  They asked Tony if he was feeling alright, he nodded and said yes.  They asked if it was alright if they weighed and measured him, Tony nodded again.  Fisha turned to James for permission.

"That's fine."  He said slowly.

They had Tony stand on a scale, which dipped down a bit under his feet and Tony giggled.  He was told not to move too much and James could tell the boy wanted to jump to see if the little platform was bouncy.  Tony behaved.

"How old is he?"  The older doctor asked.

It was a difficult question, he didn't even know what today's exact date was, let alone the exact date of Tony's birth.  It had been narrowed down, and Hydra had assumed it was the date authorities had declared Maria Stark's time of death, but that was also difficult to determine.  The woman had laid in the woods for some time, cut open and vulnerable to nature.  Tony's birth was more of an assumption than a real moment.

"He was born in the end of May, 1970."  James said.  That was what was certain.  The end of May, or the beginning of June, in 1970.

"He's six."  Fisha said.

It seemed like a firm statement of fact that made James smile.  Tony was a six year old.  Had so much time passed that Tony was so much older than he had been when they ran away?  Years had gone by, Tony was growing so much taller, and time must have been going by so quickly that he didn't know so much had gone by.

"He's shorter than average, but his weight his good for his size."  The older doctor said.

Fisha narrated, letting James know exactly what they were doing and why.  They were measuring Tony's head, his wrists, his waist.  They wanted to make sure he was proportional, that his growing hadn't been disrupted by so much time on the run and insufficient amounts of food.  James hadn't starved him.  He didn't know how to tell these people that Tony had thought food was a toy, squeezing it between his fingers instead of eating it.

They took Tony's blood pressure and listened to his lungs and heartbeat.  They noticed it immediately.

"It's far too slow, especially for a child of his age."  Fisha said as the younger woman took quick notes.

"About sixty beats per minute.  His heartrate should be at least seventy five beats per minute."  The older woman said.

Fifteen heartbeats.  Tony was missing fifteen heartbeats every minute.  James stared wide eyed at the little boy sitting down in the center of the room, a young man taking Tony's temperature.  Sixty beats a minute, a beat every second, and Tony needed fifteen more to meet the minimum for a child in his age group.

"Heart rates slow down as people age, so it will likely worsen as the years go by."  The older woman said.

They asked questions, wondering if Tony's heart was giving him any issues.  James remembered Tony running, trying to play and having to stop every few minutes to gasp for air and sit in the grass, hand on his chest.  He wondered if it hurt the child, the heart trying it's best to keep up with the exercise but not doing enough.  He wondered if Tony was always in pain.  James didn't want Tony to be in pain.

The doctors talked amongst themselves and allowed James to pick up Tony and hold the boy.  They were talking quickly in a language he couldn't follow and that only made his nerves spike.  Tony was not healthy.  His child, who now had fuller cheeks and slept through the night, was very sick.

"We wish to keep him for the night.  Monitor his heart as he sleeps, see how high his heartrate gets when he exercises, and then discuss the best course of treatment."  The older doctor said.  She was calm, her hands folded in front of her, and she looked directly at James as she spoke.

"No."  James said flatly.  He held Tony tighter against his chest, the boy huffing and wiggling against him.  If they were going to fix him they had to do it now, with him here.  He should call Natasha away from work as well.  She would help him.  She had yet to harm him and he put his faith in that.

"James please."  Fisha said.

He shook his head.  "No."

  
"No, Appa.  No."  Tony said, mimicking his firm voice.

Fisha looked down at the child with a tired smile.  "After everything you still don't trust us?"  He said.

He looked saddened just saying it.  James didn't utter a word, he didn't want to ruin the ties he had with these people in this land but he also didn't want to blindly give them everything he had.

"Please, follow me?"  Fisha asked, walking towards the door and signaling the doctors to stay.

James held tight to Tony, his feet not making a sound against the tiles as he followed Fisha down the hall and into a warm room.  The lights were softer, the colors cool blues and greys.  The room was quiet.  A baby slept soundly in a small bassinet close to the windows, sensors on his chest and hands curled into tiny fists next to his head.  A newborn.  Tony had been smaller than this baby at birth, had been delicate and looked too easy to break.  Despite the child looking healthier, James was worried he might break too easy as well.

"The queen had many complications during birth, but so far the child is healthy.  T'challa.  A handsome boy, strong lungs, a heart fast like a rabbits.  The king still grieves, he insists his son be monitored to make sure the complications of birth hadn't put him in any danger.  So far he is perfect."  Fisha said softly, his hand reaching out to lay on the baby's chest and the small thing wiggled a bit.  "I was chosen by the queen to be a tutor, she wanted her child to have the best education.  She gave me to Tony when he needed me.  She had chosen the doctors in this hospital to make sure the children of her country, her son and little Tony included, had the best chance at life.  She was such an influence on this country for the better and she wanted Tony to have a place here."

N'Yami was a strong woman, but James had known she was kind.  In his mind she was always the woman in the gardens, sitting among the flowers with children running and playing around her.  Tony adored her, had sat in her lap and found peace in her country.

"Babies need to be held.  It's good for their health.  Would you like to hold him?"  Fisha said.

James shook his head, but Tony's hand shot up and he wiggled wildly in his arms.  "Me."

Both men smiled.  James sat Tony down in the rocking chair that sat next to the window, pulling him to sit back so he was more stable.  Fisha picked up the baby, wrapping him in a warm blanket and rocking him so he stayed asleep.  Tony's arms reached out, his eyes wide and curious. 

"Put one hand here, and hold your arm like this."  Fisha said.

Tony did as he was told, holding the baby delicately in his arms.  For a few seconds, Tony was entirely still and quiet.  No sound breathed past his lips and there wasn't even the shifting of his legs from excess energy.  It was quite a sight, Tony wide eyed and mouth slacked as he looked at the sleeping boy in his arms.  James didn't know if Tony had seen a child so small before.  He had played with children a few times during their journey, and almost every day while they were here, but no one so new to the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a baby.


	57. Chapter 57

There was something very horrifying about seeing Tony with sensors attached to his chest and wires leading to numerous machines.  Tony seemed to understand it as well.  He stared up at the ceiling, not making a singly noise, and didn't even fidget the way young children tended to do.

 

If James tried to reconstruct the timeline in his head then Tony was roughly three or four when they had escaped from Hydra for the last time.  It was so long ago but the years didn't add up in his head all the way.  Natalia said it had been that long.  She said she had been travelling with them for a while.  Russia was so long ago.  Being captured in Iran by SHIELD was so long ago.  Tony was bigger now and yet he stared at the ceiling with wide eyes as he tried to ignore the pads attached to his chest.

 

Natalia joined them after a few hours, her hair wet from a shower and she brought dinner with her, with a small bag of cookies for later.  Tony glanced at her as she came in, but his attention quickly went back to the ceiling.  He was scared.  He was likely horrified at what might be happening to him.  James didn't know if Tony's memory stretched back far enough to remember clearly what Hydra was doing and why, but some part of him knew to be afraid.

 

"Has he been this quiet the entire time?"  Natalia asked as she sat down next to him.

 

"They drew blood for testing.  I threatened them a lot before they agreed."  James said slowly.  "As they did that they attached those things to his chest and then his mouth snapped shut."

 

It was understandable that Tony would be afraid of this.  He didn't know what was happening and James didn't think he was capable of explaining it in a way Tony would understand.  He looked to Natalia for help, silently pleading with her to help him make Tony more comfortable.  He did not want his child to be afraid.

 

"Everything is alright, solnyshko.  It is uncomfortable but I promise you are safe."  Natalia said softly, leaning in close to Tony and pressing a kiss to his forehead.  "He is afraid.  I hope it isn't messing up his heart readings."

 

"He is either panicked and his heart is faster than normal or he is calm and it's slow.  The doctors will notice a difference.  They will know Tony's heart isn't normal."  James said slowly.  He was letting them examine his child, they should be skilled enough to know what the readings are saying.

 

"Why did they take a blood sample?"  Natalia asked.

 

"Diseases.  They plan on vaccinating him before he is released in the morning."  James said.

 

Natalia hummed.  She pulled a chair up to the side of the bed and reached out to take Tony's hand.  He didn't respond, his fingers limp in her own.  James hated it.  He hated how quickly his loud and lively child could turn back into the quiet and terrified one from three years ago.  James still had nightmares about his time with Hydra, about what they made him do, about whether or not he would ever be fully human again.  It wouldn't be a surprise if Tony dreamed of it as well.

 

Natalia hummed softly, brushing her thumb over Tony's knuckles until the boy seemed to release some of the tenseness in his body.  He still didn't make a sound, the machines seemed to be overwhelming the room with their soft whirs and ticks.  James hated them.  He would rather Tony scream and cry and fill the room with sounds instead of him being so silent.

 

James intended not to sleep this night.  He didn't want to take his eyes off of Tony for a moment incase things changed and things turned sinister.  Tony was already afraid, even if the people were sincere and genuinely wanted to help, James would stay awake if it brought Tony peace of mind to know he was guarded.  Unless Tony thought they were turning on him as well.

 

Tony didn't touch his food, but Natalia opened the package of cookies and asked if he wanted any.  "I still owe you."  She said.  She promised so many cookies to encourage Tony's studies, if he practiced his reading and speaking skills then she would promise a cookie.  She promised nothing else besides them.

 

Once the cookies were out of the bag and Natalia slowly ate one Tony's attention wasn't stuck on the ceiling anymore.  He was watching her, letting out a soft hum as he pulled his hand out of hers and moved to sit up. His hand shot out to her, his jaw still clenched tight, and waited.

 

"Say please."  Natalia said.

 

Tony huffed, in an obvious bad mood but James didn't blame him.  "Please."  He mumbled.

 

"Thank you."  Natalia said and she reached out to drop a cookie into his hand.

 

Tony looked at them as he brought the cookie to his mouth, his eyes a bit wider than usual and his shoulders hunched.  Tony was still scared and cautious even as he ate his cookies.  It hurt knowing that Tony was still afraid even with the two of them here, his eyes questioning and analytical as he looked at the two of them and the room around him.  He had been all smiles and giggles a few hours ago in the hospital, grinning at the doctors as they took his heartrate and blood pressure, completely in awe as he got to hold the baby, and now he was closed off and afraid.

 

James breathed slow, he leaned back in his seat, head tapping against the wall.  He could see everything from this spot.  He would rather be by the bed with Tony like Natalia was, but in this spot he could see the door, the window, and the bed his child was on.  He refused to move until he was able to take Tony out of this awful place.

 

It was nice having her here.  She was on guard as well, but more casually.  Natalia was ready to attack and defend, but she had brought Tony's school work and was promising him more and more cookies for each word he read and sounded out slowly.  The boy went through math worksheets with brilliance, but he needed help on his language skill, which were still so very delayed from the average.  Tony spoke more like a toddler and less like a six year old.

 

They had finished a page and Tony clapped happily.  The more he practiced the sounds the easier they came.  His vocabulary was slowly growing and he could better say what he was thinking when he thought enough on how to say it.  Tony was a genius and James believed in his ability to do anything.

 

"Appa, look.  I did it."  Tony said.  He held up the finished page of reading words.  All Russian.  James wondered if it confused Tony, learning two separate languages an alphabets at the same time but he had caught on well with enough help.

 

A nurse came in and smiled at the three of them.  She said something in a few soft words, Natalia nodded and let her come closer to Tony.  There were no needles, just a thermometer put into his mouth and a stethoscope pressed against Tony's chest to hear his heart and lungs.  They came to check on him often.

 

This time as the nurse came in the older doctor wasn't far behind.  She nodded to the nurse and glanced at Natalia before she turned her attention to James.

 

"What do you know of your son's health? We just want to know his medical history make sure he's getting proper care."  She said calmly. 

 

James shifted slightly in his seat, leaning over just enough so he could see the door around the woman in front of him.  "I don't know."  James said.

 

"You don't know."  The woman repeated slowly.

 

"We were on the run.  There was no time for doctors.  Not when people wanted to hurt him."  James said.

 

The woman's eyes narrowed some but she made a quick note on her clipboard.  "Do you know anything about his past health?"

 

"No."  James said.

 

"Yes."  Natalia said, butting in.  He hated her.

 

"Conflicting answers."  The woman said, scribbling something on her clipboard again.  "Does this have anything to do with the nanotech in his blood?"

 

James paused, hearing the word but unable to process it.  He gave Natalia a look, the woman simply shrugged and mouthed the word 'file'.

 

"Your son has interesting bits of nanotechnology in his blood, almost as abundant as his blood cells.  We want to take a few more test samples to get an idea of how dense it is in his blood, but if our original readings are accurate then his DNA is almost completely being overwritten."  The woman said.  It was amazing how someone could say something so horrifying so calmly.

 

Hydra had done this.  There wasn't a single doubt in his head that Hydra had done this, altered his child's DNA with their serums that made him less of a person.  His shoulder ached violently, the metal digging into his skin and burning hot and James reached up to press his fingers against it.

 

"We want to scan his brain, his heart and lungs, and we'll need more blood samples for testing.  We want to see what they are and what they are doing inside of him."  The woman said.

 

James was frozen, his body trembling.  There was something mechanical inside of Tony.

 

"No."  Natalia said.  She was standing now, her hand on Tony's shoulder.  "You're to monitor his heart, get him medications if he needs it, to make him more comfortable so it's not beating too slow for his needs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure it's fine.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays. My gift is this update, full of happiness. :)

The doctors took their blood samples, insisting that they just wanted to make sure what had invaded Tony's blood wasn't going to kill him.  James knew that it wouldn't, Tony had survived far too long with this for it to kill him out of nowhere.  He was simply relieved to have Natalia by his side, insisting that he needed no more testing other than the very basic.

The morning came and the doctors unhooked the equipment from the child.  Tony, despite his obvious fear, had slept soundly through the night.  When the sensors were off of his chest he let out a long breath of relief, smiling up at James.

"Home now."  Tony ordered, wiggling off of the bed and pulling on James' shirt.  "Appa.  Now."

"Soon Tony.  Very soon."  James said.  He reached down and Tony lifted his arms up to symbolize he wanted to be carried.  Tony had definitely grown over the past few years, he was heavier in James' arms, he was almost too big to prop up on his hip.  Tony was so big, growing up nicely, and yet the doctors insisted he was smaller than someone for his age.

The doctors talked, the three young ones with fake smiles that didn't reach their eyes and the older one not even bothering.  There was so many of the small machines in Tony's blood that it would be impossible to get them out.  How they were so abundant, how they survived for so long inside of a human being, was beyond all of them but they would continue their research.

They spoke as if Tony had an affliction that needed to be cured, as if this was an invading virus attacking his body, but Natalia just shook her head as they spoke and then said it was time to go.  James didn't understand her, but he wasn't going to question her.  The three doctors said their goodbye and Tony hid his face away, trembling slightly as they passed them.  Tony had a right to be afraid of doctors, James wasn't going to force him to look.

After a few minutes of walking Tony pulled his face out of hiding and started waving.  It was almost funny if not so sad, Tony hiding his face away from the doctors and then waving at the janitor, at the receptionists, at the other patients.  Tony was naturally friendly and spirited.  The boy was a treasure and people adored him.  Now that they were away from the doctors James was immensely relieved that Tony had left his fear behind as well.

The three of them walked together all the way home, until they had reached the small servant's quarters of the palace.  They weren't the only family to live there.  Families of the people who were constantly tending to the building, working on its upkeep and maintaining it, had apartments in these halls.  There was always an abundance of children, who went to a local school, for Tony to play with.  It was nice to be back in their small apartment.

They had knick knacks they had picked up at the markets sitting in the window sills, Tony had collected toys and children's reading books with Wakandan letters that neither James nor Natalia knew how to read.  The bought new curtains, warming up the room with a soft blue instead of the cold, blank white curtains that were there before.  James was happy to be here instead of at that hospital.

"Thank you for not freaking out."  Natalia said to him.

"What was the point of them doing that if you were going to stop it?"  He asked.

Natalia shrugged, reaching out to pat Tony on the top of the head and he scurried away.  Tony had toys.  Little animals carved from wood and painted remarkable colors, blocks in odd shapes that fit together like a 3d puzzle, and bright lumps of clay that never seemed to dry.  Tony would make animals and monsters and people, playing out a scene and then destroying the clay once he was done so he could start over.  James had yet to see what the puzzle turned into, Tony always tore it down before he could see, desperate to start it over again.

James watched Tony for a moment as he played, his legs spread out in front of him as he took up space along the floor.  He had a few blocks he liked to build a mountain with and put his wooden animals on top and his clay creations on the ground.

"I just wanted to know if Tony was in any immediate danger of getting sick again.  Or worse.  There's nothing about his... current condition that they can help."  She said.

"And his current condition is what exactly?"  James said, his hands going to his hips to hold firm, just so he wouldn't lash out.

"It's an experiment.  Tony was born too soon with too many problems and they had to change something inside of him to keep him alive."  Natalia said.

James shook his head, sickened by the thought.  "They changed everything."

"Didn't you read the file?"  She asked.

"Not all of it."

"Well you should.  Zola thought he had a breakthrough, an experimental serum that would alter the brain's repair center, changing how the brain views the body's blueprint and how it tends to damage.  Little tiny machines in Tony's blood, in every inch of his body, constantly working to keep him alive."  Natalia said softly, crossing her arms as Tony made a soft sound as he simulated one of the animals jumping off the mountain into a clay figure, squishing it entirely.  "He's been vaccinated, he's been examined.  They can keep him healthy but if they try to change anything about this now it'll kill him.  They can't take all of it out."

Her face pinched together, watching Tony play.  He didn't look like anything other than a perfect little child.  James crossed his arms, trying to breathe slow because he knew she wasn't telling the truth.  Not all of it.  She was holding something in.

"What else?"  He asked.  She raised an eyebrow.  "He has a robotic element to his brain.  Fine.  I can believe it.  Hydra has always been fine with destroying people and changing them.  But why is he still sick?"

"It didn't cure him.  I don't think they programed it right.  Zola was dying, his body withering away.  I heard he wanted to implant his mind onto a computer, but I think he died before he could do that."  She said slowly.  James wanted to burn the file.  No one should know about this.  Certainly not someone with power over this little boy.

"You don't think he wanted to use Tony, do you?"  He asked.

Natalia shrugged.  "Doesn't matter now.  He's dead.  The project didn't bear fruit.  All it did was make sure Tony wasn't dying."  She said.  James took a step towards their room, wanting to dig for the file and burn it.  He didn't even want to read it.  "Don't let them look too far into it.  I'm worried they'll start thinking they can alter the programming in his head."

James walked into their room, digging through their emergency bags full of clothes, money, and other supplies for them to grab in case they needed to run.  The file was tucked on the bottom.  The folder covering all the information was torn and stained.  It was worn and limp but it still held all the pages together.  James gripped it tight and marched towards the kitchen.

"What are you doing?"  Natalia asked.  She was sitting with Tony, holding a few blocks in her hand.

"Burning it."  He said.  He turned on the stovetop, the fire coming to life in the metal grating.  He held it to the flame.

"But what if we need it.  What if there's something we need to know?"  She said.  She had stood up to follow him into the kitchen.

"You read it, didn't you?"  James said.

"Cover to cover."

The pages lit up, burning slowly.  He dropped it into the metal sink so the fire wouldn't spread.  It would take a few moments for it all to burn.  Natalia's expression was pinched, clearly unhappy with this decision, but James trusted her memory enough to remember what was important.  He was afraid to read the rest and he would hold on to what he had read and remember, the horrors of it.

Tony was watching them with his wide eyes, still clutching his blocks tight as he curiously wondered what the two of them were doing.  Zola was dead.  James didn't believe it.  A monster like him would have found a way to cling to life.  What if he was in there, in Tony's head just waiting to take over.  Perhaps he was already in there, waiting for body and mind to mature enough to continue on with whatever horrible things he was doing to people.  James turned back to the sink, watching the files burn.  No one could know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since I updated but instead of drawing attention to that I will simply apologize for the short chapter and promise nothing bad will ever happen to them. :)

James watched the child intently, examining each movement, each muttered word, each curious look.  A fear had taken over him.  Zola wanted to project himself into this child, take over him, control him, and James couldn’t know for sure if he had managed to do that.  James could no longer be sure if Tony was his or if he was an enemy waiting.

They had returned to their regular lessons, having lunch together on the bench in the gardens.  The fruit trees were bearing fruit, almost ripe enough to pick.  Tony pointed at the trees and James told him the names of the fruit they carried.  Certainly Zola would never be curious of such things.

“Look Appa.”  Tony said, pointing at the tree on the farther side of the gardens.  It had no fruit yet, just an abundance of flowers.  It would change soon as well.

James turned away from the trees.  Tony didn’t.  Tony was smiling brightly, seeming to think the fruit trees were a miracle.  When lunch ended and Tony went back to Fisha and James went back to work, he felt the child’s eyes on him.  He didn’t like it.  He moved to work behind the trees and bushes where he couldn’t be watched.

He ducked his head, peeking up only occasionally to make sure Tony was still there.  He wasn’t worried about anything happening to the child, he just wanted to be hidden from him.  He never wanted to have Zola look at him again, pinning him with such an analytical gaze that he could already feel himself being taken apart and something inhuman put in its place.  James focused on his work, the movements of his hands, tending to the plants that would soon be ready to harvest.

He peeked through the leaves of a bush.  Tony was kicking his feet and scribbling on a piece of paper with Fisha.  James turned away again.  He worked.  Delicate movements of his hand and his supervisor came to give him praise.  He does well with the plants, she says.

Work ended early that day.  James leaned his back against a tree and felt the breeze.  Tony would play with the other children. He could already hear them, shouting their Wakandan words and laughing as they ran.  Tony couldn’t run well. Certainly Zola wouldn’t choose a child whose heart couldn’t handle running.  Tony was not him.

James peeked again.  One of the children was holding Tony’s hand, the two of them laughing and running together.  A little girl willing to slow herself down in their running game so Tony wouldn’t play alone.  Zola didn’t deserve such kindness.

Tony didn’t need him right now. James would stay away.  He tucked his against his chest, pinning his hands down to stop the shaking.  He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the trunk of a tree.  There was a nice, cool breeze in his hair.  The air smelled sweet.  The children laughed louder.  There was no danger here.  He whispered it out loud to himself to try and make it all real.  There was no danger.

James didn’t come out from his spot against the tree.  He didn’t want to break the fragile peace he had built right here, in this spot. There was no danger here.  He was not in Wakanda.  He was not in Russia, or the battlefields of Europe.  He was not in America.  He was in Wakanda, and there was no danger here.  Hydra couldn’t come to Wakanda to follow them.  Zola was dead.

Unless he was successful.  James had skimmed through the intricate plans, understanding less than half of it.  Turning a man’s conscious mind into a computer program was science fiction.  It didn’t exist.  Tony, with all of the tiny robots now in his DNA, couldn’t have a program downloaded into his brain.  Stuff like that didn’t happen.  It wouldn’t happen in the future.  They were in Wakanda and Tony was safe here.

James was still shaking and he didn’t want to come out from his spot until he had stopped shaking.  He didn’t want to frighten the child.  He didn’t want to make his fears worse and ruin things here.  James breathed slow and repeated it to himself, there was no danger in Wakanda.  Tony was not a danger.

When the shaking stopped and he felt he was able to breathe, James peeked out again.  Most of the children had gone home, one or two were playing a hiding game in the flowerbeds, their feet careful to not step on anything too delicate.  Tony wasn’t playing with them.  James felt a new burst of panic, his hands curling into tight fists as he stood up and walked over to the children.  He should have kept an eye on them, he should have watched like he always had.

“My boy?”  James asked, picking through the few words in Wakandan that he knew.  The children nodded, pointing towards the palace, and ignoring him to go back to their games.

Tony shouldn’t have gone into the palace without him, he shouldn’t have wandered off, James should have paid more attention.  His body was tense, tightly wound as he marched in and listened for any sound there may be of his child.  Something awful could have happened to him.  Something awful could be happening right now.

“Natalia!”  James shouted, seeing a flash of red down a hallway. 

She would know where he is, if he was alright.  James tried not to sprint, but his heart was already beating wildly in his chest.  She held a finger to her lips when he got to her.

“The baby is here.”  She said simply.

It was a large room with windows that took up most of the walls, sunlight coming in making the room feel large and open.  Tony sat in a chair, the baby on his lap, whispering words in Russian.  A song Natalia had taught him.  James didn’t realize Tony knew the words so well.  The baby was fat, a pudgy thing wiggling in Tony’s arms and had his small hands reaching up for his face.

“He likes it, thank you.”  A man said, sitting beside Fisha on a cushioned bench near the windows.  He reached over to the two children, James clenching his fists at the sight, to lay a hand on the baby’s belly.  “Will you sing him another?  He hasn’t been so quiet in a while.”

“Tony should come home now.  He needs to finish his school work.”  James said.  He wanted to get this man away from his boy.  He was a stranger.  James wanted to take Tony home, keep him away from everyone and not let anything happen.  If Zola had hurt him, no one in the world was going to do it again.

“Of course, Fisha is a wonderful teacher.  I’m sure little Tony is doing well with him.”  The man said.  He stood up, looking over at James with a surprised look.  “Nothing is more important than the boy’s studies.”

“Except his health, my king.”  Fisha said.

James turned to Natalia with a raised eyebrow.  She nodded.  He didn’t know what to say to a king, husband to N’Yami, he assumed.  The king of Wakanda, who was still offering them asylum.

“Of course, Fisha.  His health.  How is he?”  The king asked James with a soft smile.

The man seemed gentle.  He walked up to James, hands held in front of him, and smiled.  But James didn’t trust him.  He was the king and James knew at any moment, if this man demanded it, they would all be dragged away and imprisoned.

“He got caught up on his vaccines.  He’s shorter than average, still a bit underweight, but he’s catching up.” James said, carefully picking through his words.  “Then there is the issue with his heart.”

The man held a hand out to him.  James examined it for only a moment before reaching out to take it.  “I am T’chaka.  My wife wished your family safety and so you will continue to be safe here.  If you need anything at all for little Tony’s studies or his health, then he may have it.”

James nodded and said a stiff ‘thank you’.  He wanted to leave.  He wanted to be home, where it was quiet and safe, where he could think of the situation he had found himself in.  Zola wouldn’t sing to a baby.  Tony would sing to a baby.  What interest would Zola ever have in a baby?

T’chaka went and took the baby from Tony’s arms, causing the boy to pout.  James called to him, holding a hand out and waving him closer.  Tony slid out of his seat, seeming to skip to James with a wide grin and holding his arms up to him.

“Hey, Appa!”  Tony said.  James nodded, not picking Tony up as he wanted, but taking his hand to walk him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo, it's T'chaka, and baby T'challa again, and they're all happy and safe in Wakanda where nothing will ever get to them and they'll stay there happy and forever :) :) :)
> 
> Anyway I haven't seen Black Panther yet so...


	60. Chapter 60

James hurried with Tony back to their apartment, he didn’t even wait for Natalia.  She was following a step or two behind him, he didn’t need to wait for her.  He wanted to get Tony back home, away from where everyone could see him.  He felt the need to hide Tony away.  Keep him from the world.

“What is wrong with you?”  Natalia said, catching the door before he could slam it behind him.

James didn’t answer.  He knelt down in front of Tony, holding the boy’s face in his hands.  He wondered if he could see Zola in there, see the calculating gaze and the horrible intentions.  Zola had beady eyes, they always made him feel small.  Tony had big eyes, his expression always seemed to have them opened wide to take in the world.  If Zola was in there, James couldn’t see him.

Natalia’s hand was so light James almost didn’t feel it touching his shoulder.  He looked back at her, his hands tightening just a moment before he dropped his hands to Tony’s shoulders.

“Are you alright?”  She asked.  James stared at her.

He waved Tony away, sending the boy scurrying to his room to play with his toys.  Tony ran on his toes, almost skipping as he left.  It was childlike and innocent.  It was sweet.  James curled his hands into fists and turned to face her.  She knew what had happened.  She had read it and memorized it and James was too scared to know the answers.

“Did he do it?”  James asked.

“Do what?”  She said.

“Don’t be stupid.  Zola wanted to turn himself into a computer so he could keep on living.  He turned Tony’s whole body into a computer, full of tiny robots rewriting him.  Did he do it?”   It sounded like a nightmare, something sick and unspeakable and yet James wouldn’t think twice if they said Zola did it.  The man did sick and unspeakable things to good people and he had hand delivered Tony to be next.

Natalia’s face didn’t change, she crossed her arms over her chest.  “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“The truth.  You read the file, I didn’t.”

“You shouldn’t have burned it then.”

“I know.”  He said.  The longer she delayed her answer the more he felt the pit in his stomach sink deeper and deeper.  He tried not to let the fear show on his face.  “I was hoping that with it gone no one would know, I wouldn’t have to know.”

Natalia nodded.  “That’s a great idea, maybe its best you don’t know.”  She looked at him.  He remembered training her, showing her where to beat a man to hurt him, but not kill him.  She was better at interrogations than he was.  He wasn’t needed to interrogate, but he was a weapon and if his handlers wanted a man to suffer before he died then James knew how to hurt them.  That was useful for an interrogator.

Even though he was the one demanding answers he felt trapped.  He felt like a hostage who was being tortured.  He couldn’t take Tony to his lessons every day, hold his hand and help him with his school work, and wonder.  But he also couldn’t know.  He was too scared to know.

“Nat, please.”  He said.

“They tried.  After the got the nanobots, the things, successfully incorporated into his blood without his body flushing them out right away.  I don’t know how they tried, I didn’t understand most of the details.  It’s an odd thing, turning someone into a computer.  I know they spent years turning Zola’s brain into a computer and spent years more turning Tony’s brain into something it could download into.”  She said.  Her voice was flat, her eyes narrowed.  James saw it now, the slight shift in her movements.  He hadn’t noticed it a moment ago, but now he could see that each small movement brought her between James and the hallway to Tony’s room.

“So he’s…”  James asked. 

“He’s Tony.  He’s a little boy with a few robots in his DNA.  I’m not going to pretend like I understood the details.  I never met the man they wanted to put inside of him, I don’t know what kind of man he was, but turning behaviors and memories into a computer code doesn’t mean he didn’t die.  He’s dead.  His body died, his brain died, and Tony is still a little boy.  He’s not an evil scientist, Tony can hardly read.”  Natalia said, her quick Russian words piercing through the growing panic inside of him.

“Zola could read.”  James said.  He felt frozen in spot.  He felt cold, all the warm Wakandan air was sucked from the room and he was back in Siberia.  Zola was there.  He was here.

“See, Tony’s a shit reader.  Great at math, but a shit reader.”  She said, the corner of her mouth tipping up in a smile.  “He’s still a little boy, James.  He has his life ahead of him and he’s going to learn how to be a good person.”

“What if Zola’s in his head, just waiting.  What if it’s all there and he just needs a trigger.  One day he’ll wake up and be a monster.”  James said.  He had knives in the kitchen, he had a few guns.  He had a glass lamp on the dresser, he had large hands, and Tony was so very tiny.  Zola was tiny.

“Then he becomes a monster.  We’ll handle it then.”  She said.

Her arms had dropped to his side and it felt like the tension had drained from him as well.  He couldn’t stand up straight anymore, he couldn’t breathe, and so he sank to the ground and curled in on himself until his forehead pressed against the soft rug.  He felt ridiculous.  He had never wanted to feel so small as he did right now.

Zola had violated Tony, had gotten inside of his head, and James knew it was his fault.  He had taken Tony, plucked him from his mother and carried him to that man, delivering him as he had been ordered to do.  He knew they were going to ruin him.  Hydra ruined everything in the world because it suited them.

“I almost killed him.  Before I handed him over.”  James said, not moving up from his position.  He couldn’t hear Natalia, couldn’t see her from his face being pressed close to the floor, but he knew she was there.  “He was a baby, so small I could fit him in a single hand.  I was bathing him.  I thought, if I drowned him, it would be better than him growing up with them.”

He took a moment to calm his breathing before pushing himself up to look at her.  Her expression was soft, her body language open, arms at her sides and hanging loosely.  She wasn’t a threat to him.  Not right now.

“I should have killed him.”

It would have been better if Tony never lived to begin with.  He was born too early and too violently.  He was such a small, sickly thing.  He never should have survived for as long as he had.  He could have died the moment he left the womb, or when the shallow cut on his neck became infected, or on any of the nights James held him, fed him, and bathed him.  He had no knowledge of childcare, but Tony survived regardless.

He looked up at Natalia, trying to find something in her eyes, but there wasn’t anything for him.  He couldn’t read her as well as he wanted to.  He didn’t know if she hated him or agreed.

“Please.”  He said softly.  He wanted to know what she was thinking.

“You’re a human being, James.  Whether you believe it or not.  They tried to change that, but they failed.  And I’m a human being too, despite everything.  And Tony’s a human being.  We’re all on the run.  We’re all here now, where they can’t get us because you, as reckless as you are, came here despite any and all common sense on my part.  We’re not with them and we’re not what they made us to be.  Tony’s not Zola.”  She said.  She kept staring at him.

If James had any energy left he would have told her she was wrong.  He wasn’t a real person anymore.  He hadn’t been a real person in a long time.  He’s a weapon, exactly what they made him to be.

“I’m a killer.”  It was all he managed to say.

“I’m sleeping in Tony’s room tonight.  I think you need to rest.”  She said.  Natalia took a step closer to him, crouching down to be at his level.  “You’re not thinking straight right now.  You know how you can be sometimes.  You’re scared, but you’re safe.  We’re all safe.  I’m going to stay with Tony until you calm down.”

She thought he was going to hurt Tony.  He wondered if he would if she wasn’t here.  If he had read everything in that file on his own and not had Natalia to filter it before telling him.  If she wasn’t here, he might see just Zola, not Tony.  He didn’t know for sure if they were separate, but he couldn’t imagine himself ever hurting Tony the way he wanted to hurt Zola.  He ducked his head and nodded.  She placed a hand on his head, fingers brushing through his hair for a moment before she pulled back. 

“When you feel better you’ll see Tony and you’ll know. You’ll see him and see your boy, despite everything that happened he’s the sweetest little boy and he loves you.  I love you too.  We’re safe here.”  Natalia leaned in and pressed her mouth to the top of his head, lingering for a moment before standing up.

Tony was jumping on his bed, they could hear the sound of the springs coming down the short hallway.  He was giggling loudly.  James watched as Natalia went to him and closed the door behind her, muffling all the happy sounds of playing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a dark chapter, this one. James isn't doing well and his thoughts are spiraling into paranoia. Nat is giving him space and making sure they're all safe.
> 
> I promise, they're all going to be okay


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read this far then you know that this story has a lot of dark elements to it. I mean Tony was born in the most brutal way in the very first chapter. Still, Bucky's dark thought spiral is getting a bit worse so that's a warning, he fixates on a lot of not good things. To be completely honest it's not going to be better in the next chapter but it'll start getting better soon.

James didn’t sleep much that night.  He sat in the living room, pressing his body into the corner to try and hide himself away.  He needed to breathe, it was easier with his back to the wall.  It made the world seem narrower, he didn’t have to think about everything else, just the tiny area of the room he was in.  His hand reached up, fingers tracing his shoulder, that seam where flesh turned into bumpy, ragged scars and then into smooth metal.

This was the worst part of himself.  They had turned him into a machine.  Some twisted, broken thing that used to be human.

It was getting late.  If he held his breath he could hear Natalia, singing those soft Russian lullabies.  Tony loved them.  He always fell into a deep and peaceful sleep when Nat sang to him.  James leaned his head against the wall, his fingers digging into the skin of his shoulder.  It ached.  The arm was heavy, tugging down on his body.

Natalia kept singing.  Before James knew about what Hydra did to Tony, he would have stood at the doorway and watched.  Tony was an easy child, in his opinion.  They just had to lay him down and tuck him in, singing songs and telling stories and once he fell asleep he usually stayed asleep.  They had to stay until Tony fell asleep though, the boy couldn’t fall asleep on his own.

James had spent many nights at that door.  Natalia always had a song to sing to him, or a childish fairytale she made up on the spot.  When Tony asked for more stories, she made up kind ones.  When he had trained her, he had worried there was no kindness in her at all.

Natalia was a gentle person, gentler than he had ever known possible.  She tucked the covers up to Tony’s chin, brushing down the dark mess of curls on the top of his head, before kissing his cheek and letting him sleep.  She would follow him out of the room, leaving Tony’s door cracked open, and to their own bed.

Now she was in there alone, singing their boy to sleep, as James tried to claw off the monstrous thing hanging from his shoulder.  Hydra had violated him, distorted him until he was unrecognizable.  He wanted to be a real person again.  Bucky had been a real person, Bucky had kid sisters and used to babysit the little ones in his old apartment building.  James remembered Bucky.

The singing stopped.  Tony must have fallen asleep.  It was quiet in their apartment.  Everyone in the building must have been fast asleep.  There were apartments around them, during the day he could occasionally hear laughter or music, Wakandans who belonged here and were enjoying their time at home.  The silence felt cold, it made the place seem empty and isolated.  He didn’t belong here.  Despite the kindness they were given they were still outsiders.

They didn’t belong here.  James was a machine, a weapon.  Natalia was a trained killer.  Tony was…James squeezed his eyes shut.  He didn’t know what to call him.  James wasn’t even sure if Tony counted as a human anymore.  None of them did.  They were all something else.

He put his head down, his chin touching his chest as he kept prodding and scratching at his aching shoulder, the weight of the arm seeming to drag him down.  He couldn’t breathe, there was too much of a strain on his chest.  The arm was burning.  It was cutting into his skin.  He had to get it off.  It didn’t belong on his body anymore.

Zola put this on him.  Zola broke him like this, ruined him and he didn’t know what to do with himself now.  Hydra ruined everything and James felt a rush of shame knowing he let them ruin Tony as well.  James gritted his teeth, his fingers scraping against the metal before he slammed his fist against it.  He hated it.  It was the most evil part of him and he wondered if he could cut it off it would cut Zola out of him too.  Zola’s work would be off of him, the thing he created and attached to his shoulder could be thrown away, and that would somehow make the man’s influence disappear as well.

James pushed himself up, leaning against the wall for stability. He was shaking.  His head fell back against the wall with a dull thud as he squeezed his eyes shut and his stomach churned at the movements.  He wondered if he was going to be sick.  He hadn’t eaten much that day, he had been too shaken, too busy watching Tony throughout the day, to bother eating.  It had worked out, he wasn’t going to get sick at the moment.

He went to the kitchen, staying close to the wall in case his legs failed him.  They didn’t.  They felt weak and they trembled, but they took him to where he wanted to go.  They didn’t keep the knives in the drawers.  Tony could easily reach them there, so Natalia had put them all in the cabinet, on a higher shelf where they could still easily reach when one of them wanted to fix a meal.  He nearly knocked them all over onto the ground, his hand unsteady as he grasped at their handles.

The blade was long, the blade was dulled down from cutting food and they had not thought to sharpen it.  These knives were simply for food, they weren’t made for any other purpose.  It would do though.  It would be enough.  He looked down at the scratched and bleeding mess of his shoulder.  Most of them were scabbed over, already healing over.  He had been in that corner for a long while, struggling to rip the thing off.  He hated it so much.

It wouldn’t be enough.  James looked at the shoulder, almost entirely metal and fused with his body.  He would have to carve into his torso, his chest and back around the metal shoulder to get it all the way off.  He couldn’t cut it away.  Not with this knife.  He had to get rid of it though, he had to get Zola’s work off of him.  James tried to find a way, a place to pry it off.  There had to be a way to get rid of it.

His head was pounding, it was like a heartbeat thudding in his skull.  So much pain was coursing through him. His grip tightened on the handle of the knife.  It didn’t seem fair that he was stuck with it.  He couldn’t get it off of him.  Zola had made his permanent mark on him.

Air burned in his chest.  His steps were steadier now, out of the kitchen and to the hallway.  James crept down the short hallway.  Tony’s door was cracked open like it always was.  The boy was fast asleep, curled up into a tight ball so that he appeared incredibly tiny under his blankets.  It would have been a simple thing, the knife was still clutched firmly in his hand.

Natalia sat on the floor next to Tony’s bed, a flashlight in one hand and a book laying open in her lap.  She was staring up at him, a single eyebrow raised in interest as her eyes flickered down to the knife.

“You’re not going to do it.” She said simply.

“Are you going to stop me?”  He asked.

“I will if it came to that, but it doesn’t matter.  You’re not going to do it.”

He felt relieved at her answer.  The tension seemed to melt away just a bit, not entirely but enough for his hands to open and for the knife to fall away.  It hardly made a sound as it hit the carpet.  Natalia was strong, if James ever did anything awful she would stop him.  She would protect Tony from him.  He wanted to know that, even more than he wanted to know if Tony was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  He wanted to know that if he ever leaned too far into believing this was Zola and not Tony, he was happy to know she would stop him.  He didn’t know what Tony was, but James didn’t want to actually hurt him.

“I’m afraid.”  He said, easing down onto the ground. He leaned against the doorframe, his head tilted down.  “I’m afraid that I’ll hurt him.  I’ve hurt so many people without thinking twice, I’m scared of what would happen if Hydra caught us and made me kill him.  I’m afraid Hydra will find us and Tony would go back with them, I’m afraid he would want to go back with them.  If he was Zola, he would want to go back.  I’m scared shitless that I won’t kill him and it’ll be a mistake.  If Zola is alive, he would find a way to hurt people.  He would fool all of us with the appearance of a cute baby boy and then he would hurt so many people.”

Natalia listened carefully, her body relaxed, leaning against the side of the bed.  Tony didn’t stir.

“It’s okay to be afraid.  I’m afraid.  I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing out here.  You just showed up one day asking for a file and I latched onto the chance to run away with you.  I hadn’t seen you in so long and then you just showed up.  I feel like an idiot, a reckless idiot.  I’m afraid of what might happen, of what will happen, but I’m not afraid of you hurting Tony.”  She said.  Her hands were hanging loosely at her sides, fidgeting with the flashlight she was using to read.

James didn’t know if she was just blindly trusting him to not hurt his boy or if she genuinely believed he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He wasn’t sure what he would do himself, Natalia seemed to believe in him more than he did himself.

“It doesn’t matter either way.  I think you need to get some help, clear your mind, work through things.  Life has been good to us here, Tony is so happy.  He asked about you at bedtime.  He loves you so much.  I know you’re hurting, but there are good doctors here in Wakanda.  They could help you.”  She said.  James didn’t know if she was saying a doctor could fix the spiral of panicked thoughts and blood and violence in his head or if a doctor would cut away what Zola had attached to him.  “Regardless, I’m not leaving Tony’s side until I know for sure you’re not going to have an impulsive need to slit his throat.”

“I don’t need any more doctors.”  He said.  He could already imagine the blood pouring over his hands.

“I’m taking him to his lessons, I’m going to have lunch with him, I’ll help with his school work, and I’ll tuck him into bed at night.  You either go to someone who will help you or you’ll stay back. You need time and I don’t want you to make Tony afraid of you.”  She said.  Natalia crawled over to him slowly, reaching out until her fingers brushed over the discarded knife and in the same motion pressed a soft kiss to his lips.  “It’ll be alright.  You’ll thank me when you feel better.  Go off to sleep now.”

It was a dismissal.  He couldn’t stay here.  Not tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tony doesn't know anything is wrong yet, Bucky is falling apart, and Nat is just trying to keep their family together. In other words, Bucky doesn't have the greatest mental health, which is to be expected after decades of torture, and so sometimes he can be a bit irrational. Zola is a bad trigger for him. Nat knows that Bucky would never knowingly hurt Tony, but the line between Tony and Zola are blurred. She wants to keep Bucky safe and the best way to do that is to keep Tony safe. She doesn't want anyone hurt. Tony gets a lot of cookies and he's sound asleep, dreaming of happy things.


	62. Chapter 62

Tony seemed to know something was wrong when Natalia got him up for breakfast.  The two of them sat with their food and James lingered back.  He sat on the couch, trying not to cower in the corner in front of Tony.  The boy kept looking back at him, kept waving, and holding up his food and shouting out ‘look, Appa.  Look.’  James smiled and nodded, but stayed on the couch.

There was one day where they all had off.  When Natalia and James didn’t have to rush to work and Tony didn’t have to see his tutor.  Today wasn’t that day.  It was tomorrow.  But today James didn’t have work and Tony didn’t have his tutor.  Natalia took the boy with her, holding his hand as they left the apartment, pausing only to wave goodbye and get ready to leave.

“Be back, Appa.  Okay?”  Tony said.  His words were spoken awkwardly, but James understood.  He nodded.

Tony was always a difficult kid to get ready. He wanted to jump around and move instead of sitting still to get the shoes on his feet.  It was worse today, he kept twisting his body to look at James, curiously looking.  He was likely wondering why James wasn’t helping at all today.  Tony knew something was wrong and kept thinking it would go away any moment and Appa would go to him.  James tried not to see anything sinister in it, he tried not to imagine Zola getting into his head, trying to make him forget the dangers by offering a sweet child who wanted to be held.

Natalia got Tony’s shoes on and plucked him up off of the ground.   “He’ll like seeing the animals.  Everyone I work with has always wanted to see him.  Remember what we talked about.”  The boy whined, wiggling a bit in her hold but she had a steady grip on him and walked out the door.

It was quiet as soon as it shut behind them.  He stayed where he sat.  The air conditioning was going, cooling down the room and James was thankful he wasn’t feeling as overheated as he did before.  The cold was surprisingly comfortable.  He moved to lay out on the couch, his feet sinking under the cushions.  He hadn’t slept.  He was too afraid of waking up to nightmares and storming down the hall.  They all had enough of their own nightmares for him to add to them.

James sat up, rubbing his hands over his face.  He didn’t want to stay here and wait for them to get back.  He would just make things worse if he did.  If he spent the next eight hours alone inside his head he would do something horrible.  He needed to get out and breathe.  He didn’t bother changing his clothes.  They were relatively clean, though a bit wrinkly.  He pulled on his shoes and walked out the door without grabbing anything to take with him.

Walking outside was nice, the air wasn’t as heavy and he felt less weighed down.  He didn’t know where he could go.  Natalia was with Tony, tending to the animals around the property, so the garden would likely be empty.  Perhaps just the children would be playing. Maybe other workers would be tending to the fruit trees in his absence.  He knew the other workers, they smiled and called out their hellos as he came into the garden, then went back to their work.  He knew their names, their children often played with Tony.

James walked to the bench where he and Tony often shared their lunch breaks together.  It was a nice spot, near the flower bushes but always caught a nice summer breeze so the floral scent isn’t too overwhelming.  James tilted his head back and closed his eyes, breathing in the sweet air.  It was clam today.  James liked being here.

“You seem to be enjoying your moment of peace.”

James opened his eyes, his whole body stiffening in surprise.  He wasn’t expecting an attack, but he was still startled.  He ducked his head when his eyes met the king’s.  He didn’t know what to do to show respect.  Some people liked to be looked in the eye, others didn’t, some wanted to be bowed to, others a handshake.  James stood up, his hands loose at his side.

“Um, good morning, sir.”  James said.

A moment of silence passed between them.  “You hadn’t slept last night.  Is everything alright?”

“You don’t need to worry about me.  I was just thinking.”  James said, shaking his head.

“I worry about everyone in Wakanda, it is my duty as king.”  T’chaka said, smiling at him.  “My wife sympathized with your son, insisted that your family deserved safety here, something we would have never allowed otherwise.  I honor my wife and for that I worry about you as well.”

James nodded.  They started walking.  He didn’t need to be ordered to move to know he was meant to follow him.  They were walking, T’chaka was talking, and so James walked with him.  He looked back, seeing the people also following a few feet behind them.  Six of them, women from the looks of it, staring at him as if they wished to kill him.  James wouldn’t be surprised.  The Wakandans he saw every day had grown to accept and welcome him, but he is still an invader.

“Now, as I was saying, you haven’t slept.”  T’chaka said.

James looked up ahead.  They were walking just along the garden path.  It was a nice walk, wrapping around the paths James had worked along and many that he hadn’t.  The garden was large and he had only worked on a small portion of it.  It was a beautiful place.

“No, I haven’t slept.”  He said simply.

“If it is a medical issue then the physicians would be more than happy to help you.”

James laughed, it was almost funny.  “Everyone wants me to see a doctor.”

“Then perhaps it’s good advice.”  T’chaka said.

James shrugged.  They walked for a few more minutes, passing red bushes and yellow flowers, trees that smelled sweet with perfectly ripe fruit.  Different flowers had a different number of petals, different shapes, different smells.  James was grateful he was allowed to work in the gardens.  He was relieved Natalia worked somewhere else so he could be here now to enjoy it.

“How’s the baby?”  James asked.

“’Very healthy.  Lungs that can scream for hours.  And he doesn’t stop eating.”  T’chaka said.

“Tony was like that as a newborn.”

T’chaka smiled, turning to him with a questioning look.  “Now that I find very surprising.  That boy has had to be the quietest little thing since he was brought into the world.  Every time I see little Tony he either speaks whisper quiet or he doesn’t speak at all.”

“Tony was a very loud newborn.  Once he got the hang of breathing he just screamed and screamed.”  James said.

He tried to imagine Tony today as loud and demanding as he had been at birth.  Tony as who he was now, unafraid to shout when he needed to.  He couldn’t imagine it.  He couldn’t see that baby as someone so quiet and unassuming. Not unless there was something wrong.

“Perhaps a word of advice to me then, as a new father.  How did you ease his crying?”  T’chaka asked.

“I held him.  All the time.  For hours.  I held him against my chest and leaned his head against my shoulder.  It helped him.”  James said.  His pace slowed.  They had gone far enough around the garden to be close to the animals.  He could smell them in the air.  He knew Natalia was there.  “Tony’s a lot different now.”

“Thank you.  I will see if T’challa enjoys being held.  I hope it works.”  T’chaka said.  They had stopped walking.  It was clean T’chaka needed to keep going, but James would rather go back.  “Reach out to the resources available if you feel you need them.  You’ve helped put my mind at ease, fatherhood is more stressful than I had anticipated.  I’m glad I’m not doing it alone.  I’ll let you go enjoy your freetime.”

James turned and walked back, retracing the path they had taken here.  He wanted to go back to that bench and rest, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of that little baby he carried across the country and delivered directly to Hydra.  He could have run away, like they were doing now, and raised Tony out in the world.  Tony wouldn’t have been ruined by them, he wouldn’t be afraid, he wouldn’t be broken.  Tony would be sick, certainly.  He’s sick now but surviving.

James kept walking, passed the bench he had intended to go to.  Past the fruit trees he had tended to.  He wondered if Tony would be as loud and vocal as he had been as a baby, or if his hearing issues would have made him quiet.  James could imagine Tony, loud and screaming as he had done as a baby, heart beating slowly in his chest.  Perhaps it would have been worse, all of Tony’s energy gone to screaming and yelling and there would be none left to play.

Natalia worked with many animals.  She fed the horses and brushed the dirt from their hair.  She cleaned up the land where animals had left a mess and a foul scent in the air.  She worked with the injured animals in a small sanctuary, petting orphaned babies and playing with those too injured to be released.  He found Tony sitting quietly, a bird sitting on his head.  Natalia had a few birds on her shoulders, the other workers all had some.  James didn’t know what they were doing and he wasn’t interested enough to ask.

“James?”  Natalia called out as he walked right up to where Tony was sitting.

Tony looked up at him as he approached, a wide smile stretching across his face.  “Hi, Appa.  Look, it’s mine.”  Tony didn’t move, but he glanced up at the bird on his head. 

“It’s not his, but he thinks it is.”  Natalia said, standing next to him, body shifting to try and fit between them a little bit.  She had moved the birds from her shoulders to her hair, small things clinging to the red strands.  Her hands and arms were free now to move as she needed them to.

“He’s too quiet.  He’s not mine.”  James said slowly.  Tony was still smiling, his attention on the bird on his head.  “Mine was so loud.”

“James, Tony is yours.  He’s not different.”  Natalia said.

Tony was looking at him again, eyes big and happy.  “Appa, see.”

“How could I ever be sure that he isn’t?” James said.

Natalia put a hand on his shoulder and pulled him back a little bit.  “If he’s not then we’ll be heartbroken and we’ll handle it.  If we act like he’s not Tony, but we’re wrong, it’ll just hurt him.”

Tony had finally moved a little bit, hand reaching out to James and his attention back to the bird on his head, staring upwards to try and see it.  James stared at him.  He couldn’t tell if it was Zola or not.  He couldn’t tell if it was Tony, he was far too different from his baby.  He turned away.  He couldn’t breathe and he needed to leave.


	63. Chapter 63

Tony was aware that something was wrong but he stayed calm until he realized nothing was getting fixed right away.  Then he panicked.  James had to watch Tony panic, had to watch the boy smack at Natalia’s hands and shout senseless sounds and shrieks at her when she came too close.  He would try to reach out for James, repeatedly calling out to him, but he wasn’t ready yet.  There was only so much distance he could put between them.  James resisted Tony’s efforts to close it.

Then when the boy stopped fighting he started crying.  He would kick and slap away Natalia’s hands when she tried to get him ready for his tutoring.  He would sit on his bed with wide, wet eyes.  Tony was late every day once that started.  James ignored all of Fisha’s questions.

It hurt to watch, to see Tony go from trusting and happy to fearful and confused.  It was difficult, because James felt guilty for hurting him but he also couldn’t stop the ideas from overwhelming his thoughts.  Zola wanted to stay attached to him, Zola wanted to keep an eye on him, Zola was trying to maintain his appearance as a helpless child.

It went on for so long that James had lost track of the days.  Eventually Tony stopped crying.  He stopped struggling.  He got up and got dressed and let Natalia walk him to his lesson.  He would eat lunch with her on the bench and James stayed away.  The fruit trees were harvested, his work moved to a different part of the garden, he didn’t have to worry about Tony. 

James would go home and it would be quiet.  Natalia had started to take Tony to the markets when they were both done, just to spend extra time away.  Most of the time he would sit in silence and try to catch his breath.  Today he didn’t.  Today Tony had stopped saying ‘goodbye, Appa’ when he left with Natalia.  So now James stood in Tony’s room, eyes scanning the walls and his hands shaking as he looked for something.  He didn’t know what, just something.  He grabbed Tony’s backpack from under his bed, digging through the spare clothes and money stashed away from emergencies, the snack bars and water bottles.  It was just in case they needed to make their getaway, if Wakanda wasn’t safe anymore and they needed to run.  They hadn’t touched it since arriving and James now realized Tony had outgrown so many of the clothes he had.

They used to be too big.  James smiled as he looked at the old shirts and pants, clothes to wear for when they run away.  He needed to find new clothes.  Tony had grown so much, they had been here for so long.  He was sleeping every night and eating regularly, of course he was growing.  They had starved him before.  Tony had been such a tiny thing.  He couldn’t even eat solid foods, didn’t know how, when James had stolen him away.

Certainly, Zola would not be satisfied being starved.  He would have said something when James ran away with him and simply crushed up his food in his hands in confusion.  In those early days Tony had been so thin he was wasting away.  He didn’t know how to eat.  He drank all the juice and milk James had gotten for him, but was confused by the food.  Zola wouldn’t have been confused.  He was an evil monster, but he never would have just allowed the wires to feed him liquid nutrients into his toddler body.

He was trying to cling to something, some proof that Tony was really Tony.  It wouldn’t last for long.  It wasn’t solid enough evidence.  James held tight to the child’s clothes and tried to memorize the feeling of the fabric and remember the sizes that Tony had grown out of.  He was eating now.  He had changed.  He wasn’t Zola.

James flinched when he heard them come home.  He heard Natalia talking and Tony’s soft replies.  He remembered when Tony didn’t speak at all.  James was stuck in his memories, trying to pick apart characteristics that were unique to Tony, things he had never seen in Zola.

“What are you doing?”  Natalia asked.  She stood in the doorway, Tony safe and secure where he sat on her hip.  James had no doubt she could fight him off and not let the boy go.

“Thinking.”  He said.

“In Tony’s room?”  She said.

James nodded.  “I’m trying to figure stuff out.”

“I told you to get help.”

“I don’t need a doctor’s help.  I can’t see a doctor again.  I won’t let them into my head.”  He said firmly.  He couldn’t do that.  If it ended up like the last time doctors got into his head then he would rather die.

Tony was looking at him, peeking over Natalia’s shoulder with interest, mouth pressed tightly shut.  He hadn’t said hello, or tried to get James’ attention, or even make a sound.  It was far too reminiscent of when he had first gotten Tony out of that place.

“Can I talk to him?”  James asked, nodding to the boy.

“You can talk to a licensed psychologist.”  Natalia said.

“I’m not going to hurt him.”  James said.

Natalia smiled softly.  “Are you sure?”

James paused to think about it for a moment.  He looked at Tony and felt afraid.  No matter what he did it could be the wrong thing.  He could be letting his guard down to a monster or he could be pushing away and hurting his child.  But he had decided, he would rather Zola be alive with him than with Hydra where he could hurt more people.  James could be kind to his captive, just in case it was really just his little boy.

“I’m not going to hurt him.”  James said, more sure now.

Natalia watched him, nodded, and shifted Tony so he was on her other hip and closer to James.  Tony didn’t look at him anymore, he leaned limply against Natalia’s shoulder and closed his eyes.  He looked so tired, so sad and exhausted and James felt partially responsible.  Tony was drained, he had fought everyone the past few days.

“Tony, I have a question for you.”  James said.  At least Tony opened his eyes to look at him.  “Do you remember a man named Armin Zola?”

James was expecting some sort of reaction.  Maybe Tony would flinch away in fear, maybe his eyes would widen in recognition.  Tony hardly responded at all, just his nose wrinkling in confusion.

“No?”  Tony said, sounding unsure.

Tony kept looking him in the eyes, his head tilting and waiting for an answer.  Tony reacted when James called him Tony, but didn’t understand who Zola was.  Tony didn’t remember him.  He was so young when he was broken and experimented and changed.  It had been years, Tony had practically been a toddler, and now he doesn’t even remember the man who hurt him.  It was a flood of relief rushing him all at once, washing away the previous fears he had been clinging to.

“Do you remember when people used to hurt you?”  James said.

Tony reacted to that as well, pulling his shoulders up to his ears and his eyes widening a bit.  “Bad men, Appa.”

“That’s right.  Do you remember what they looked like?  What they’re names were?”  James asked.  Tony shook his head.  “Do you remember how they hurt you?”

“Stop it, Appa.”  Tony said.  His voice was shakier, his eyes a bit shiny, and his tiny hands tightened on the fabric of Natalia’s shirt.  He looked scared.  He remembered, however vague the details were after so much time had passed, but it was still in his head.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m sorry.”  James said.  Tony’s lower lip wobbled and James stood up, dropping the old shirt he had still been holding tightly to and reached out to him.  He took a single step closer.  It happened fast, Natalia turned her body away at the same time Tony turned to bury his face in her shoulder.

“Not right now.  We can try again tomorrow.”  She said.

James stood there, hands empty, his boy hiding from him.  “What’s going on?”

“You scared him, and then you ignored him for days, and then you spent the last five minutes scaring him again.  He’s not ready today.  You can try again tomorrow.”  She said.

James wanted to argue, he wanted to rip Tony away from her and hold him close, but he also understood.  Part of him still was worried about whatever was put in his head, his child was a computer and Zola tried to have himself uploaded into him.  He needed more time to think and Tony didn’t need so much stress thrown at him all at once.  Tomorrow.  He would try and see if they were both ready to trust each other again.

James left the room, ignoring the pain he felt when Natalia deliberately placed herself between the two of them.  Right now he was feeling clearer than he had the past few days, but it wasn’t a guarantee he would stay that way.  He would rather be separated for now than feel that fear and cloudiness come rushing back when he had a chance to hurt the boy.

He went to sit in the living room, sinking into the couch cushions and counting his breathing as he wanted for Natalia to join him.  He heard those soft Russian lullabies, Tony’s quiet voice as he sang along to the words, and then she wished him goodnight.  They spoke for a moment, James couldn’t hear what the two of them said to each other.  Tony’s language skills were still behind.  The light in the hallway went out and in moments she was standing in the archway to enter the living room.

“He wants to know if you love him again.”  She said.  James could feel her eyes on him.  “’Appa loves me now?’ was what he asked.  He’s too sweet of a boy.”

“I’m sorry.”  He said again.

Natasha shook her head, waving her hand as if to wave his words away from her.  “He’s just a little boy, James.  He has a bad heart so you have to go easy on it.  The next time you’re having troubles you need to tell me and you need to promise to get help, don’t scare him like that again.”

He didn’t like to think about hurting his boy.  Half of his mind wanted to kill Zola, track down what was left of his mind and his work and the evil he had done just so he could crush it under his boot and beat it down with his hands.  Zola wanted to possess Tony, the thought was sick, and James couldn’t hurt Tony without knowing for sure.  Tony had done nothing wrong yet.

Natasha reached out to him, her hands brushing down his hair and then moving on to cup his face.  He sighed, looking up to meet her eyes.  "We are going to be okay."  She promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> James' problems aren't going away, but now that he's slowly getting over this road bump he'll do more healing. We'll see how it goes.


End file.
